title explained

Onward and upward! something that you say in order to encourage someone to forget an unpleasant experience or failure and to think about the future instead and move forward.

My e-mail: jjmiller6213@comcast.net

Monday, June 29, 2015

Just Going Along.

I used to be a "go along to get along" kind of woman. 

Never gave my "real" opinion unless it agreed with the person I was speaking with.  Never said "no" to any request, even though I really didn't want to do it.

Differing opinions were not allowed in my childhood home and I found that out early--after a few slaps across the face from Daddy.

Then I married, one week after high school graduation, and soon found out, different opinions weren't allowed in that home either.  Yet more slaps across the face.

One time, I do believe back in 1968, my husband, his sister and her hubs and I were all sitting in our living room discussing George Wallace and his campaign for President.  I voiced my opinion of the man, which differed from the other three and I got yelled down into silence.

Then I married again, to a man who appeared to be very open-minded--until after the wedding.  I was not allowed to watch any TV program that had blacks participating.  This meant basketball, football, baseball, Oprah--nothing.  The TV remote was thrown at the wall, the face slap came next.  

Then, in a garden space that I was told was all mine and I could plant anything in it I wanted--after two days of planting, those plants were torn up because, "they aren't lined up right!"  When I voiced my opinion that I planted them that way to differentiate from the rest of the garden, I got more than a face slap.  

When I, by then realized, White Supremacist husband, started his rhetoric, I learned very soon to be quiet, or I might be chocked, slapped, beaten--whatever.  You learn to be very quiet and pleasant when being held hostage by a terrorist.

Then, of course, at my job, my opinion was rarely asked.  I was the secretary.  I was the peon, who did all the work to keep the office running smoothly, but...that was it.

Then I was fired, because I was too old.  (I was actually told that by the CFO).  Did I sue?  Of course not.  I was scared.  I probably was wrong in my opinion.  He had told me in a weak moment and not testify or say I had imagined his words.

Then, I moved here and was all alone.  Still not voicing any opinion about anything.  

Then I met Fred who not only allowed my opinions on everything to be voiced, but was really interested in hearing what I had to say.  Of course, it was easy because--we agreed on everything and...he thought I had a brilliant mind!

Then, my father died, which gave me even more freedom to voice my feelings and opinions.  Then my step-mother died and no one left to tell me I was stupid in my opinions.  FREE AT LAST.  FREE AT LAST. THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I'M FREE AT LAST!

Then, after Fred died, and a couple of months of therapy, where I was told that it was quite all right to give voice to my feelings.  Of course, not in an angry or threatening way to others, but to say what I felt  IF I wanted too.  

So--long ago and for many decades, I was liked by everyone!  I was compliant.  I was submissive.  I just smiled and listened, even though in my head I was saying, "Wait.  What?"

I raised my children to have independent thoughts, to express those thoughts and feelings--at least they knew they could with me, and they all seem to be much healthier, emotionally, then I ever was.  As a result, I now have, Conservatives, Liberals, and whatever 3rd party is running.

I have Catholic, Methodists, Lutherans, Episcopalians and an Agnostic in the family.

I have gay and straight, pro-life, pro-choice and fence setters in my family.

I have gun owners and ones that wouldn't touch a gun, let alone have one in their home.  

If I don't agree with them--it is quite all right.  We voice our opinions and no one gets mad at each other--well, maybe one does, but then again, she isn't quite old enough yet to know everything she THINKS she knows.

There is something so freeing about getting old.  You can be opinionated and voice those differing opinions and people just chalk it up to the fact that, you are senile and cranky.  Just stop and talk to any elderly person.  They've got opinions on everything!  LOL

Plus, I have come to the point in my life where I don't HAVE the NEED to have everyone like me.  I'm not stuck in that place I was for so many years.  I can say "no", once in awhile and not feel too guilty.

Maybe it's because I'm old or maybe---could it be that I'm still the timid, "go along to get along" I used to be, but the people that ridiculed me are all dead or gone from my life?  Makes it easier for sure.

(I still have to work on my Dar skills. :-)  Maybe she will move and make it easier?)  


  1. I'm glad you've come to a place that you don't feel guilty giving your opinion, Judy. I pretty much grew up keeping my mouth shut (not with my dad but with my mother). As the years have passed, I realize that I allowed her to have control over me in most every avenue of my life. For too long, I blamed her, but in reality I should have stood up early on voicing my opinion rather than shaking my head like I agreed with her. When she died, I didn't know how to live really. There wasn't anyone to tell me what to do.

    You know, I think between the two of us we could write a great book combining our experiences, feelings, etc. Of course, we couldn't "name" anyone. LOL


    1. Sal, you mean a "How Not To" book? LOL

    2. Thanks Sally, for sending me Judys link, you are a sweetheart!!

  2. My childhood and yours were polar opposite. We had family discussions on every topic that came along and we kids were listened to. My dad was soft-spoken and wise and kids at the lake followed him around like the Pied Piper. He made everyone feel their opinions and comments counted. Knowing your history, it's easier to see why you "blew your top" a few blog enters ago. You can only keep opinions to yourself just so long before you need to be heard. I don't agree with much of what you wrote but I know if we lived close by we'd have great fun having conversations where we'd both express our opinions and more importantly respect each other enough to listen to one another and laugh about how different we think. The trick is to not take ourselves so seriously. Don and I had that kind of relationship with our best couples friends....politically polar opposite but we had the best times together, including going on vacations together. Glad you met Fred and learned marriage isn't always the way your first ones were.

    1. My Daddy was like yours too, Jean. The revered coach and mentor to every boy in the township--except his own family. He once was interviewed for a write-up in the county newspaper and he quoted, "I've never met a bad kid." I thought that was odd, when I read it, because he sure didn't feel that way about me!

    2. Now, see? We don't ever really know what goes on in another's home. Everyone, including my cousins, seem to think my mom hung the moon. Not that she wasn't a good person, but they never saw how she treated me. And, Lord forbid, if we were over in W FL I dare not say one word that wasn't "appropriate" according to her rules. I don't think my remaining cousins really got to know me until she had passed. I know I shouldn't talk about her, but it was what it was.

  3. Replies
    1. Maybe it was the times we grew up in? Less freedom for girls back then. We were told to mind our P's and Q's, don't speak unless spoken too, sit with our knees together and above all, be a lady.

  4. Yes, I do find that the older I get the less I care about what people think of my opinions or what I do. That doesn't mean I voice them though because some people get upset if you tell them the truth or get offended if my opinion differs. I prefer to keep the peace and stay in my own little bubble!

    1. You are still too young, Nettie. Wait until you get to be 70--you'll just let 'er rip!!!

  5. Getting to the place where you don't need everyone to like you is a good place to be. I imagine it would be easier to get there if no one was slapping you in the face whenever you spoke your mind. I wonder what would happen if everyone shed their pretty shells and let it rip!

  6. WoW...this was so extremely difficult to read, I can't even imagine how difficult this was to write. I too, grew up in an extremely abusive home...we were beat all the time. I too left when I was 17 and never looked back. I married the most amazing, kind, supportive soul on earth, who treats me as a equal!

    Judy, you have been comenting on my blog forever and I could never find you. I have left you several messages in the comment forum of my blog, but I'm sure you never saw them. I am so sorry I have never commented here, our mutual friend Sally saw my note to you and sent me a link. I am so happy to be here!!