title explained

Onward and upward! something that you say in order to encourage someone to forget an unpleasant experience or failure and to think about the future instead and move forward.

My e-mail: jjmiller6213@comcast.net

Monday, July 24, 2017

A Nice Surprise

Two years ago, my neighbor across the street when i lived in Saginaw, died.  After Fred died, she called me every Tuesday afternoon at 4:00.  I wrote a post about not knowing and then finding out she had died.

If you have a mind to, you can read that post here.

Much to my surprise, I received an e-mail from the couple who moved into her home.  They had wanted to do a bit of research on this quirky lady they had heard about.  For some reason, my blog post came up.  Apparently because I had posted her obituary?  I guess.

It was nice to communicate with them.  I found out the once large and beautiful gardens I had there, were dug up and turned back into grass, but the little Lilac sprig I planted, has turned into a nice tall Lilac bush.

Then, they told me that a play-scape in the park next to our two properties had placed a dedication to Phyllis.  She always worried that the children didn't have a nice place to play.  She would be so pleased.


I awoke to a cold house--62 degrees.  I had left the bedroom window up last night.  I checked my weather station on the kitchen counter and it was 59 degrees outside and the humidity was 47%.  I opened up all the windows, but it got chilly feeling--that nice breeze was coming from the NorthEast.  I actually had to put on a long sleeved shirt and my socks.  No barefooting today.  It is now about 69, since the sun has finally come out, and a perfect day.  Such a change from the last 10 days of heat and humidity.
I have no plans for the week, but I'm getting homesick so I think I need to plan for a visit up to The Home Stead. 

Friday, July 21, 2017

Mini Adventures

Thanks to my blog buddies.  I consumed 3-14 oz bottles of water yesterday and nary a dizzy spell.  You are all geniuses!!  But then--too much water can flush out sodium and I don't want to be low in sodium because........that condition causes dizziness.  HAH.  I think 3 a day is my new prescription.

Already had one consumed by noon today.  See--I am catching on and thanks for your advice.
I had to put some gas in the car today.  It is an Ozone Action day here, but that yellow, "fill-me-up" light on the car's dashboard has been on for the last 3 days.  The conditions were cloudy, so I hoped I wasn't releasing very many fumes to add to the hole in the ozone layer.  I had a laugh when I went inside to pay, I was talking to the young kid who was manning the cash register today, have seen him whenever I go in, he's very nice.  We were chatting about the ozone layer, pollution and global warming and he replied, "Those people are weird.  Global warming is a naturally occurring geological event, every few centuries.!"

I laughed to myself at his classification of weird, as I looked again at those huge circle things he has in his ear lobes, a silver half ring in his nose and a small lightning bolt tattooed just above his right eyebrow.  
So as not to feel too guilty about a trip into Brighton and adding car exhaust to the atmosphere, I also stopped at Michael's.  I needed 1 skein of embroidery floss.  One! I walked the 100 steps back to the cross stitch section, then noticed baby yarn on sale so grabbed two of those One Pound Balls of baby yarn.  Pearl's grand daughter is having a baby girl in October.  I feel the need to crochet an afghan for her.
As I came out of the Michael's parking, there was the old "vet" sitting in his wheel chair.  I had stopped last month and given him a twenty.  He has a new sign today, "74 year old Vet.  Homeless and Hungry."  I noticed he was smoking a ciggie--looked like he had rolled it himself.  Today he had a knitted stocking cap on his head, a mustard colored T-shirt and khaki cargo shorts.  I didn't have a twenty, only a ten to give him today, but I got that same missing toot smile as before and a "God Bless you Miss."

As I drove away, I thought to myself, "Probably scammed again.  If he can afford tobacco, he probably can afford food."  My second thought, "Oh who cares.  I'm not here to rehabilitate him, I'm just here to give him money for a beer, or tobacco and make him smile."
Hey--it's only 3:20 pm and I'm on my second bottle of water!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Nearing the end of July already?

I do believe my neighbors across the street, live in the only home in this park with no Central Air.  Even the old timey mobile home owners have had it installed in their homes.  It's not that these neighbors can't afford it.  They have lots of money and both their cars have A/C.   I wonder why not their house and how they get along in the hot and oppressive weather.  

Well. O.J. Simpson got his parole.  He has served his time for the "robbery" he was convicted of.  In my opinion, 9 years ago he was set up.  The people that had his personal items; family albums and photos, other personal items and were threatening to sell them, set him up.  They knew exactly how he would react.  The guy that told O.J. to come to his room to make a deal to get his stuff back, also set him up.  The guy who confessed that he, not O.J.,  was the only one in the room with a gun, set him up, and the jury who convicted him of the robbery set him up, because of murders they thought he had committed in 1995.

This trial was a "comeuppance" for O.J.  People said at least he would have to serve time.

I guess these last 9 years, while he was imprisoned, he was a model prisoner.  Commended by his jailers.  Took classes and counseled other prisoners.  Organized a softball league of 18 teams, that he was rules and conduct chairperson.  He also spent quite a bit of time with the Chaplain and has said that God has forgiven him for his actions, and he has grown deeply in his faith.  Yeah--he's still an arrogant cuss, but at 70, I think he's going to calm down a lot as he ages.   

Besides that, "they" will be watching him constantly.  He's just going to get older and fatter as he lives out his days in Florida with his kids and friends. 

To me, he is a sad case because when he came out of poverty to play at USC, he was phenomenal.  After college he was still a great football player.  Then he got all caught up in the Hollywood big time lifestyle and that was his downfall.  He got the arrogant, know-it-all, my way or the highway temper that a lot of those people "out there" fall into.  Everyone tells them how wonderful they are and they can do no wrong, and...they believe it.

Oh well--we'll see how he does now.
I went up to check out Merle and Pearl's ramp.  Holy Cow!!!  It looks like a mini-deck.  Merle has even put his chair on the level part before the last part of the ramp starts.  It is NOT too steep and I think it will work great, if Pearl ever gets brave enough to use it.
It's getting hot again, so I'm about to close this place up and turn on the A/C.  Have a good one.  

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Good day

It is hot and humid again, so we are all closed up inside our homes--kind of like in winter, but the A/C blower is running, instead of the furnace blower.

I'm feeling pretty content and happy tonight because, I had errands and appointments this week and now I look at a blank calendar for the rest of the month.  I just simply enjoy the feeling that I don't HAVE to go anywhere.

I scored big time at the Food Bank this morning.  I found a 2# package of ground beef that I can make up into patties, freeze and have them when I crave a hamburger AND a package of 3 Rib Eye steaks!!!!  3!!!  Also got some Sweet Corn, Cucumbers, a few cans of cat food, 6 bottles of water, 1# of sugar, a box of biscuit mix and Cherry Turnovers!  I am just so happy to get the meat.  Maybe I can make it last for a month.

Came back home and what a mess.  My neighbor across the street, Jackie, has 6 car loads of people staying at her house, during the day, until Sunday.  They have no place to park, so they park on the edge of this narrow street.  I had a hard time getting my car out and back in my driveway.

Merle has parked his car in the other spot on my parking pad, because there were 3 large trucks, parked along the street by his house.  They are putting in a ramp for Pearl.

I managed to get down our now 1 lane street and out to the Doctor's.  He had a nurse practitioner student working with him today.  I gotta tell you, she's a lot better than he is.  I got a real check-up.  I even had to get up on the table so she could listen to my tummy sounds and check my legs and ankles.  Then she sat me up and checked my heart, my lungs, looked in my ears, nose and throat and listened to my carotid arteries and checked for lumps on my neck.

When she was done, the Doc came in and said, "Your blood work is perfect again.  Are you having any problems?"

"Nope.  Just back pain and the arthritis.  I wish I could take Prednisone every day for the pain."

"I know.  I'm sorry....because you are on the blood thinner, you can't take anything except Tylenol."

"That doesn't really work very well for me."

"I know...sorry.  You're very healthy otherwise.  Now get outta here and I'll see you in February."

On the way home, I noticed the traffic light at the main intersection was out.  So we treat it like a four-way stop, right?  Except at that intersection, we have 5 lanes of traffic on each side of the street.  A right turn lane, 2 going forward and 2 left turn lanes--going in each direction.  The lights are coordinated to let the lanes go at different times.  It was 5:00, heavy traffic.

As I got to the dead light and was going forward, people were trying to turn left in front of us and come across from the other street.  Let's just say I was lucky to get out of there alive.  Just as I proceeded to cross other street, a guy decided he was going to come across from the street on my left--I saw him, stepped on the gas hard and he narrowly missed my back fender.

When I got home I walked down to Merle and Pearl's to check out the ramp.  It comes off their narrow back porch--they had built a wider landing, which is nice, but then the ramp goes down at a steep, at least it looked that way to me, angle.   If Pearl tries that in her wheeled walker, the walker is going to get away from her and she is going to fall.  If she tries to go up it with her walker or in a wheel chair, she won't have the strength of make that steep angle.

I kept any and all opinions to myself and will wait and see what happens.

She also has a new doctor that her daughter found for her.  She doesn't like my doctor anymore because he told her the reason she can't walk very well is because she rarely walks and just sits in her chair.  He advised her to keep moving and gave her instructions to at least walk out to the mailbox everyday.

She doesn't like the new doctor either.  "I don't like her attitude," she said.

"What was her advice?"  I asked.

"She told me I had to move around more.  I had to walk more."

Which, of course, is the same advice I have been giving her for the last two years.  When she sits in her recliner 12 hours a day, then tries to get up and walk, her legs are weak and her back hurts.  She did that all winter last year and then wondered why she could barely walk this spring.

Use it or lose it, Baby!!!

I did get some advice today from the nurse practitioner today.....drink more water.  She thinks the dizzy spells I get are from dehydration AND Diet Pepsi doesn't help, because of the caffeine.  I told her I was up to one bottle of water a day now.  LOL.  She told me to work my way up to at least 3 bottles a day.   I've had two today.  I have to pee every half hour!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 18, 2017


My sister had her DNA tested and a few months later, I did too.  I found it strange that as siblings, our percentages of shared DNA were different.  I have 2.0% Native American, my sister has 0.2%.  She has way more Irish than I do.

Now my daughter Pam had hers tested and called me last night.

We all have the highest percentage from Great Britain.

I have French and German, Pammie has Italian and Greek. Greek?  Italian?

She has less than 1% Native American.

What is really amazing to find out, 30 years ago, Pammie was diagnosed with a very rare Hemophilia C blood disorder--1 in a million Caucasian people have it.  In her DNA results there she is listed with 2% European Jewish.  1 in 8 Jewish people have the disorder.  SO--now we know, AND she didn't get it from me--so there.

She is also 1.8% African--the Congo--she didn't get that from me either, but she is thrilled. "That must be where I got my extra curly hair from."

So now, she and I want her brother and sisters to take the DNA test and also their Dad!!!  I can't even begin to tell you how much I will laugh when he finds out he has African AND Jewish DNA!!!!!!  The man will probably have a heart attack.  HAH!

I'm not sure my son would get tested either, for the above reasons.  Karen refuses and thinks we are all nuts for "letting the government know all that stuff about you."  I had no clue Karen was so paranoid and what makes matters even more laughable, her husband WORKS for the government and has a high security clearance.  Don't you think the government already knows his blood type and DNA, and everything about his lifestyle?...and hers?  

I told Karen that these labs are confidential and secure and the only way the government could get the results, they would have to file an affidavit and why would they want to know anything about HER DNA?  And as my Pammie says, "The government can learn anything they want about me, I don't care. I ain't done nuttin' wrong."

Perhaps Karen thinks the Radical Extremist's are going to raid the labs and then go hunting for Christian's DNA.  Oh--that's right.  Your religious beliefs don't show up in your DNA.  HAH

Speaking of Karen, here is a photo of her 2nd child, Susanna, running a 50K around Mt. Hood.  The photo is so perfect it looks photo-shopped.  The photographer sets up at that point and takes every racer's photo.  That's my little Portland, Oregon girl, who works for New Balance shoes.  A good place for her to live--she is very Liberal.  

Speaking of politics--my family is as mixed there as is their DNA.  ALL and I do mean all of my ancestor's were Republicans.  One great great grand father, was in the last days of dying and yet had himself hauled to the polling place, on a mattress on a flat bed wagon, so he could vote.

My sister is Conservative, her son is Ultra and works in our State Capitol for the Senate and is the County Commissioner.  My ex was a George Wallace fan.  The other ex, was a David Duke fan.  UGH!  My son is--I don't know what.  I think the last time he voted was for Ross Perot.  Daughter Pam was a Republican, but is now a Democrat.  Karen is a Conservative Republican.  Jennifer was a Liberal Democrat and now she is a Republican.  

I fit in no where because I am a Moderate.  I am against the death penalty.  I am also against abortion--unless in cases of rape/incest/or a severely brain damaged fetus, and I am all for birth control.  I am against guns, like AK47's and those kinds, but for gun ownership for hunters.  I don't like illegal immigrants, but am all for immigrants who want to do it the legal way.  I don't want war, but I just wish we could drop a big bomb on North Korea and go on about our business.

All this just proves that our DNA does not show a certain genetic predisposition as to our political choices.  HAH!!

Monday, July 17, 2017

It Is Well With My Soul.

This is what Becky's house looked like when they moved in.
Now there is a deck that wraps the house.

 Five years ago, it looked like this, with just a few flowers.

Three years when I visited, she had put the long garden
along the sidewalk up to the house.

This shed and the gardens around it were put in 2.5 years ago. 

She is also into photography and has received many awards from Birds & Blooms and other bird and gardening magazines.  If you'd like to see her photos, click here .
What perfect weather we are having.  70ish, and 60ish at night.  Sleep with all the windows open.  It has been so quiet today and I have nothing to do.  How strange that feels.  Laundry and house cleaning done over the weekend.  I went outside and watered all the potted plants, for something to do.

The Rose of Sharon bushes are blooming--a bit ahead of schedule, if I remember correctly.

 At one spot, two bushes have grown together so I have pink and lavendar
 My white bush hasn't quite gotten full enough for a photo.

I cut one of my Lilies--the wonderfully scented
Star Gazer Lily.  It is my favorite, but be careful.  If you get too close for a sniff, that orange pollen on the stamens will stand your white blouse, forever!!

I also ran up to the Meijer store yesterday.  Now, what would drag me out of my house, on a Sunday, to go to the store?   10 for $10 with an 11th one free.  Then a neighbor kid just happened to be walking passed, so I bribed him ($2.00) to carry these heavy jugs inside for me.  As my back is still growling.

This morning I made an appointment with my Doc for my 6th month check in.  No problems, but he wants me to come in every 4 months, and I finally argued him into 6 months.  I will get my blood drawn tomorrow morning and the results will be at his office by Wednesday afternoon, when I show up.

In fact, the results will be available in my Patient Portal way before I go to his office, so I will know the results before he does--which is the way I like it.  If there is a wonky reading, I can Google it before I see the Doc.  

No surprises!!!

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Happy Times

I had a sweet day Thursday.  Lunch with the Old School Gal Pals and a visitor came.  A girl who graduated the year ahead of us, but of course, in our small school we all knew her and besides, she was in the band, as we all were.  She is losing the battle with metastasized breast cancer and is taking no more chemo.  She is here from Montana, visiting her younger sister.  You wouldn't know there is a think wrong with her.  She ate a lot of food, laughed a lot, seemed way more stable in her mind and her walk than a couple of girls in our group.  It was wonderful seeing her.
My sister and brother-in-law weren't home yet from their death vigil to Virginia.  My BIL's brother called a couple of weeks ago with the news he had liver/colon/pancreatic cancer.  He wanted his siblings to come for a visit so they could have some laughs and share memories.  He was quite all right for the first couple of days they were there.  Didn't eat much, but sat in his chair and laughed.  Then one day, he just slept most of the day.  Still got up to use the bathroom.  The next day, his children called in Hospice to help out.  At least the Hospice people didn't immediately inject him with morphine and put him into the "death coma", they just kind of hung around and every now and then, he'd waken and talk a bit.  He died, naturally, two days later.
Knowing sis wasn't home, I stopped in at a woman's house--Pammie's friend--that has the most amazing gardens and bird feeding stations!!!  I spent about 45 minutes walking around and taking the tour.

This is the view from my parked car, in the back.

As I walked up to her house
 Her deck by her front door

 Her deck by her back door--this is where her many bird feeders are located

The view from the back deck down a slope to her woman cave.  Which just happens to be carpeted, a small settee, a ceiling fan and where she stores all her gardening tools.

Her back lawn continues back to the river

My gardening attempts fall far short.

 I planted three sunflowers as a back ground for my Zinnias.  They did not germinate.

 My Grape tomato plant is doing fine, but my Zinnias, planted in three rows of 36", 24" and 8", for some reason have all floated down to the north end of the planted and are coming up in a jumble of sizes all together.
 2 planters of Sweet Peas.  Lots of vines, no buds.

As well has this--Morning Glory Vine of blue and hot pink.  Lots of vines, no buds.

I just want you to know that one time, I had a 100' long garden, 6 feet wide, that extended from one edge of my front lawn to the other.  On a slight slope, where the lawn sloped down toward the road.
It was filled with flowers for every season.  I can't find a photo of it, but ....you would be impressed.  HAH!  

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

It's Wednesday...big deal.

When Dar's grand daughter introduced me to her two other friends,  I felt like she was going and watching me, for the shock value. She's only 18, she doesn't realize I have heard/seen/met weirder people in this long life and my face or body language does not show shock.  Because, I'm not shocked by much anymore.  I just stepped forward, with out stretched hand and said, "Sierra, Dakota, I'm so glad you all got to come to Michigan and visit us."  The two other girls went into one of the bedrooms and Dar's grand daughter sat down with me and we chatted about what she wants to major in when she gets to college, and where she works now, etc.  Just like I would with one of MY grand daughter's friends.
Speaking of shocking things--or weird as I think of them.  I know of a woman, a dear woman, who has tattoo's over every inch of skin, except her face.  The first time I met her was in the winter, she had jeans and long sleeves on and I didn't notice any markings.  The next time I met her was in the summer.  There she was in tank tops and short-shorts.  I didn't make any comment, just hugged her as usual.  That was 15 years ago.  Now she is in her 70's, lives in Florida, so she is in tank tops and shorts most of the time.  Photos I see of her shows, still a pretty face, but the sagging, crepey skin on arms and legs, makes her look like a retired circus performer.  When the once sweet heart you had tattooed over your right breast looked okay at 16, it now does appear weird to be resting on your stomach, doncha think?
My biases and my gossipy nature are on full view today!

Six months into this presidency and my Liberal friends are still posting nastiness on Face Book.  What possible good does that do?  It just keeps everyone riled up.  It's as bad as it was BEFORE the election.  Mellow out!

Each of us knows our friends political leanings, now that people make it so well known, which we never did in the good old days.  None of what you post is going to change a Conservative's mind, just as none of what they post will change yours.  None of what is posted is going to change what is going on in this country.  Most of us watch the news, we are intelligent enough to see it and figure it out without a constant daily reminder on FB.

It just gets so tiring to see the nasty links--from both sides, day after day, ad nauseum!  I just wish people would give it a rest and just bide our time until 2020, when we can all pick and choose again, and probably elect someone even worse.  and please, don't tell me that it is impossible to choose someone worse than this President.  I have seen and lived through worse.
Heavy rain all day today, followed by brief moments of sun that bring on the humidity.  Severe storms predicted for later this evening and middle of the night, coming out of Iowa.  So far the bad storms have gone south and north of me and radar looks like the bad ones coming in tonight will be south.  Of course, all that may change, but......there's nothing I can do about it, so I'll go to bed at midnight and sleep through it...unless of course, my trailer blows away.  HAH!

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

...and the beat goes on.

Nice rainy day yesterday, but then the sun came out and it got humid.  Last night, even though it was only 65 degrees, with the humidity, I felt clammy!  Turned on the A/C to dry it out!  Now this morning, it is hot and clammy outside, so I will leave the A/C on all day and stay inside.

OOps!  Crisis mode!  I emptied the last can of wet cat food and used the last cup of dry cat food.  Not good.  More importantly, I just noticed I have about a cup of Diet Pepsi left and when I looked in the Pepsi Cupboard, it was empty.  How could I have not noticed that yesterday?  AND, I used my last cup of milk for my morning warm cocoa!
Well, the morning went by very quickly and the next thing I knew, it was time to watch my Soap.  I kept yawning and wanted to fall asleep and couldn't figure out why...until my dim mind remembered, I had been sipping on Decafe Diet Pepsi.

Right after my Soap was over I headed out.  OhMyGosh--smothering outside.  Why?  Why?  Why?

Instead of running to the store this morning, when it was a bit cooler, I decided it would be fun to go in the heat of the day, with a car air conditioner that works intermittently, depending on how hard a bump I go over that shorts out the fan switch and send the air up to the windshield instead of into the car.

45 minutes, I was home.  Nice and cool in the store so I took my time.  Got it all plus.  

Suppose to have thunderstorms tonight and severe weather tomorrow night.  It's hard to know what MY weather will be like because the weather report comes out of Detroit and a lot of storms that affect that area come up from Ohio and never reach up this far north (60 miles).  

Well, I have a radar map that has an arrow on the precise piece of ground I live on, so I will check that once in a while tomorrow.
BTW--I found out, Dar's grand daughter was sexually molested by her father when she was 8-10.  She declared at 12, that she was a Lesbian.  Before that, she was a thin, delicate little thing, with long dark curls and always dressed in cute dresses.  At 12, she got her hair cut boy style, put on a lot of weight, and walks rather "mannish"--almost always has a baseball cap on.  

Her "lover's" father left mother and her when she was 11.  I think their preferred lifestyle choice comes from not trusting and being afraid of men.  Much easier not to have a man involved in your life when you've had those experiences.  Much easier to dress and behave very mannish so as not to attract a man.  Right?

What bothered me the most was that Dar is elated that her grand daughter left home.  "That will serve her Mother right!, she said.

Yet, when her daughter left home, Dar didn't feel that way.

Dar and her daughter are very much alike.  Bossy, demanding, threatening, uncompromising.  Just like Dar's mother was.

Generation after generation...and the beat goes on!

Monday, July 10, 2017

Many things I don't understand.................

I have a question.  Well, I have a lot of questions.

When I went grocery shopping, I picked out 4 ears of sweet corn.  What I noticed was that, of the 4 people standing around the sweet corn bin, (including me) 3 of those people were husking the corn and putting the husks into the...I don't know what it's called, "husk receptacle"?  

Why would they take the protective husk off hours before cooking the corn?  The kernels immediately start to dry out, once the husk is removed.  Of course, on the farm, we picked it, carried it to the house, husked it and dumped it into the already boiling water.  I can't do that now, but I leave the husk on until just before I cook it.

In fact, I have lately left the husk on, lay it in the microwave and cook for 4 minutes.  Take it out, slip off the husk and man!!!  That ear of corn, even if it is a few days old, is sweet and steamed and delish.
I have another question.  Why can't I grow Succulents?  I used to have "Hen's and Chick's" in an outside rock garden.  They thrived--even though they stayed out there all winter.  They came back in the spring, with additional chick's and sent up stems with flowers on the top.  I ignored them completely and they loved it.

Three years ago, I spent quite a bit of $$ for Succulents to put in my big coffee cup planter.  I had stones in the bottom for good drainage and I didn't water it very often.  Before the summer was over, they had all turned to mush and died.

 The one below cost $8.00 alone!

Last year I didn't buy any, but a couple of weeks ago, I was at Lowe's and their Succulents were on sale.  They look really healthy.  I even got special soil for them, a planter with a drain hole and read up on how to grow them before I planted them.

Already, my favorite one that looked like a pin-cushion (front in this photo) is turning mushy!


Dar's 18 year old grand daughter moved out of her mother's home, because she hates her.  Her mother moved out of Dar's home, because she hates her.  Anyway, so this girl (?) came to visit grandma and I went over to say "Hi", as I haven't seen her in four years.

The one in the middle is Dar's grand daughter.  She introduced me to the other two as, "This is my best friend Dakota and my lover Sierra."    Okey Dokey.

I can't wait to hear Dar's take on the weekend visit.
My porch pots and planters are doing well.  Today, we have had a nice, gentle, rain most of the morning.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Land of the fruits and nutz..........................

I am very concerned about Dar.

The last three times she has been over, she cries and cries.  

She has been going to the Neurological Psychologist for 4 weeks now.  She has taken many written personality evaluation "tests" and now she is in "talk" therapy.  If any of you have been through that, to help with depression, anxiety or any deep seated emotional problem, you know how tiring it can be.  Her sessions last three hours!

She doesn't want to share all her past with the doctor.  I told her she had to for her therapy to bring any good, long-lasting healing.  She is a very controlled person.  She's afraid the doctor will think badly of her if he hears what happened.  

I told her doctor's are not judgmental--especially psychologists.  I told her that when her therapy is over she won't ever see him again, so why does she care?  "Because all my life I have tried to make people think the best.  I want them to see an independent, self confident, calm, controlled woman!"

Then she cried.

Because of her control issues and her distrust issues, she refuses hypnosis.  He wanted to try sodium pentothal truth serum, she refused.  Afraid of what she might say.   She now can't even remember the accident, so apparently because it made her so anxious, she has blocked it out.  

I told her today what she had told me about the accident the day after it happened.  She looked at me like I was telling her a story about someone else.  "I remember none of that!"  

Her family is now turning against her and tired of her "it's all about me" complaining because all of them saw her car, with the little dent in the bumper.  Her brother knows the manager at the body shop and he told him, "this was a minor bump." So they think she is lying about her pain.

One thing she told me today that I didn't know about her, when she has any procedure, surgery, colonoscopy, they put her out with the Fentanyl BEFORE they take her into the procedure room.  She gets hysterical when she sees all the people in the operating room and even though there are usually only two people in the colonoscopy room, she gets hysterical.  She can't stand be be laying down and people coming up to her--or people putting their hands up by her face.  She feels trapped.

Now--added to all of this, she has to go to the orthopedic surgeon to see if she has a rotator cuff tear.  I can't imagine what she is going to do if she has to have shoulder surgery!!

I don't blame her for her frustration.  This has been going on for 15 months and 9 doctors and specialists.  They can find no physical reason for the intense pain she says she feels.  She went to 3 different physical therapy places until they finally released her because the PT seemed to make the pain worse.

I've got to think part of it is psychosomatic, and I think this doctor can help her, IF she truly works with him.  I think her biggest fear is that they are going to admit her to a mental ward again.

As she left today, she said she felt a lot better and calmer.  I am learning to listen to all most that she says and only reply when she asks me a direct question.  I think that's what she needs the most, someone to hear what she's saying and feeling.

Thank goodness, I have also found a way to listen to it all and then not think about it after she leaves.  My intent was always to ponder on ways I could help her, which left me exhausted.  Now, it doesn't bother me as much--thank goodness.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

It's Wednesday---I think.

This greeted me when I first opened Face Book yesterday morning.  I LOVE IT!!!!!!!

It was eerily quiet around here the last few days--in the mornings that is.  I'd wake up and wonder if I had gone stone deaf!  Not a sound, except the Tinnitus ringing in my ears.  Of course, that all changed as darkness came.

For some reason, people find it fun to set off loud explosive devices.  Not pretty fireworks kind, just very loud bangs!  Now, as a person who suffers from a phobia of loud, sharp noises, it makes for an uncomfortable couple of hours.

I thought I had that phobia taken care of, along with my anxiety, depression and panic attacks and I no longer get anxious when thunder storms come in, but last night, I had to succumb to screwing my ear plugs, deep into my ear canals.  Because, THE IDIOTS were walking the street in front of and behind my house, setting off the loud bangers.
All is quiet once again this morning.  It feels like Sunday, but my "reminder" days flip-chart says "Wednesday" and I rely on that, rather than a feeling.

This photo greeted me first thing on Face Book this morning.  Darling Della enjoying her first 4th of July up at Karen and Mark's cottage.  I wonder if the fireworks over the lake scared her?

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Every now and then...unexplainable things happen......................

As I've mentioned on here, my faith has grown tremendously in the last five years.  Yes--I was born into a Christian home, learned my prayers and my Bible verses early on and attended Sunday School and church once a week.  We weren't radical in our religious beliefs, it was just common practice in our house to pray before meals and at night at our bed.

So, I've always known and more often than not, taken for granted.  I prayed in church, then stopped going to church.  Started up at a new one, and quit three years later.  In between I just lived my life kind of like how I wanted.  Felt quilt often, but excused it away.

Something happened when Fred died.  He and I had talked about how we never should have met.  It was impossible for us to meet and yet we did and fell in love with each other that first day.  After months talking about it and all the coincidences that had to happen for us to meet, the only conclusion we could come to was that God had to have maneuvered us into place.  It was like we already knew each other that first day we met.  We wondered where we had met before, because both of us felt we knew the other one.

Sure we had so much in common it was spooky, but there was a real feeling that the first time we saw each other, we were meeting an old friend we had known when we were kids.  Both of us looked kind of quizzically at each other.  Eyebrows squinted--trying to remember the last time we saw each other.

Well, when he died, his doctor, two of the nurses coming out of his room crying and I knew he was gone, I had the oddest feeling of --I wouldn't say happiness, but a calmness.  It was well with my soul--as the song goes.

On the drive home, I kept wondering why I wasn't crying--I guessed I was in a state of shock.  Over the next few days and weeks, I realized, I wasn't in shock at all.  People coming up to me with pity etched on their face and there I stood, smiling.

Then one day it hit me.  I was so grateful for having had Fred in my life, the only man that really loved me, warts and all, the I just couldn't grieve that those days were over and that he was gone.  We knew when we met, we would feel very lucky to have a decade together.  I was so grateful that we had 7 years.  Yes, I was lonely, but I never cried one tear when Fred died.

I just kept mumbling to myself, "Thank you, God, thank you so much!"
Then the hard years came--financially.  A new roof.  A new furnace, all within six months after his death.  Trying to live on half the money we had while living together.  All I knew to do, was pray.  For some unexplainable reason, those things were taken care of.  I started seeing all sorts of things that I couldn't handle, being taken care of in one manner or another.

Opportunities that I knew nothing about came along.  Someone told me about a Food Bank.  Someone mentioned in passing, that I ought to check on getting Food Stamps.  Another someone suggested that I try to get an energy credit on my electricity bill.
These last two years have been amazing to me.  I have had more blessings than I can even count.  A new refrigerator, I hadn't thought of needing, a call out of the blue.  

Someone heard that I liked to do genealogies for people and clients started contacting me to do theirs.  That helped to bring in some money to help with monthly bills and last year I even had enough to get my living room painted and new carpet and a new chair and couch.  Come to find out, everyone I did a genealogy for was elated with my work and told others.  I find this amazing!  After all these years, I have found something that I am really good at!
So, along these last five years, I find myself talking to God a lot.  First thing in the morning and last thing at night and all during the day.  Just simple talk like, "Can you believe that idiot, God?", when a driver nearly takes me out.   "God, thank you for this beautiful day."  Mostly thank you words.

Always plagued by deep depressions, panic attacks and anxiety, a year ago, I suddenly realized that--it's gone.  Sure, I still get sad about things, but it doesn't last. 

Terrified my whole life by thunder and winds storms, I don't even pay attention anymore.  I now say, "Take care of me, God," and go on about my day, go to bed and sleep with no worry.

Friday, I put the new shower head on, which appeared at first to be a complicated matter, with no problem, "Thank you, God."  

Being stuck in a genealogy, not being able to find the next generation "up" in any search engine and then, two days later I suddenly see an obscure census and there's the parent's names listed.  "Thank you, God."

I have just really learned that I can't control much, so I reply on God to take care of matters in my life.  I have found true peace and contentment.  It's a mystery to me how this all happened.
All this is leading to my "pitified" state of mind when I found out, on my birthday, that all my kids were going up north, including Jennifer AND HER KIDS!!

Oh, I wanted to see those grandkids!  I have missed them so much in the last 18 months.  It looked like that wasn't going to happen.  Jen's family was coming back Friday night, they had a Saturday wedding and then they were leaving very early Sunday.

I was getting myself all worked up, over something I had no control over.  I'd laid in bed Monday night, tears rolling out of my eyes, down my face and into my ears.

I started praying.  Just a simple prayer of thankfulness and then, pleading for God to somehow make it possible for me to see the kids.

Every morning and night, during the day.  Every time I'd think about those kids, I'd pray.

Finally, Friday night, when they hadn't dropped in on their way to Karen's, I figured that was it.  Nothing to do, but accept it.  Saturday morning I woke up feeling the same way.  Content with it all.  It is as it is, right?
At 10:30, Saturday morning my phone rang.  Just another scammer call, I figured, but I looked at the caller I.D., it was Karen.

I picked up, "Hi Baby!  You ARE alive."
"Yeah, and so are you!."
"Did you have a great trip to Alaska?  Did you kids have fun this week?"
"Oh Mom, it all was wonderful.  I'll tell you all about it later.  I wanted to know if you want to come down.  Eric, Jen and the kids are here, if you wanna drive down to see them."
Silence on my part.
" Yes, yes!  I gotta jump in the shower and then I'll be right down."
"Okay, see ya later."

I was stunned.  I sat here in my computer chair and just looked out the window.  My hands were shaking.  Then it hit me.

I jumped up and nearly ran over Maggie the Cat as I headed for the bathroom, yelling all the way, "THANK YOU, GOD!  THANK YOU, GOD!  THANK YOU, GOD!"  Both cats ran under the bed to hide.

When I got to Karen's and walked into the kitchen, there they were!  Jennifer came up to me first.  I even got a hug from her husband, who has not spoken to me in 4 years.  When the kids heard my voice, they came from all over the house, into the kitchen for hugs.  It was almost overwhelming.

There is this "thing" with all my grandchildren.  They wonder, when they are small, if they will ever grow as tall as grandma.  When photos are taken, I stand behind them so we can "measure" their height.  3 of Karen's 5 have made it.

Now, Andrew has made it too!  He looked "down" on me and said, "I'm taller!"  I have no idea what is going on with 15 year old Andrew and his hair.  He said he wanted to see how long it would grow over the summer.  I asked him if he was going to wear it in a "man bun" and he said, "No way!" 

Elise just turned 13 and nearly as tall as me.  She loves to play Volleyball.  She has my long, skinny legs so I have no doubt, the next time I see her, she will be looking at me eye-to-eye.

Alex is 10 and is the sweetest, most polite 10 year old boy I have ever known.  He has the long, skinny leg feature inherited from his Grandma.  I have no doubt in half a dozen years, he will be looking "down" at me too.  He spent most of the day playing with baby Della.  He just adores her and she him.

 Jennifer and Della.  So good to see Jennifer and she seemed happy to see me.  Della still cries if I get too close.  She was very content with Jennifer, but then, Jen looks like Della's grandma, Karen.

Jennifer and Karen 

Later last evening, I got a call from Pam.  Evan had spent a couple of days with her on the farm and she wondered if I would like them to stop in when she took him back to Karen's.  The perfect ending to a perfect weekend!

Evan is 5 and very shy.  We could not get him to take a picture with me.  He kept hanging onto and hiding behind Pammie.  Of course, he was 3 when they moved and although he had spent a lot of time with me when he was a baby, he hardly knows who I am.  He looks just like Andrew did at that age.


Now, they are on their way back to New Jersey and I am one happy, contented Mimi !!!

I suppose some would call my experience a "lovely coincidence", or "good Karma", something like that.  Why didn't it happen before?  They have been in Michigan a couple times in the last 18 months.  I was never invited to see them.  Why now?

Well.....I know why.  It was God.  I am so grateful!