title explained

Onward and upward! something that you say in order to encourage someone to forget an unpleasant experience or failure and to think about the future instead and move forward.

My e-mail: jjmiller6213@comcast.net

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Land of the fruits and nutz..........................

I am very concerned about Dar.

The last three times she has been over, she cries and cries.  

She has been going to the Neurological Psychologist for 4 weeks now.  She has taken many written personality evaluation "tests" and now she is in "talk" therapy.  If any of you have been through that, to help with depression, anxiety or any deep seated emotional problem, you know how tiring it can be.  Her sessions last three hours!

She doesn't want to share all her past with the doctor.  I told her she had to for her therapy to bring any good, long-lasting healing.  She is a very controlled person.  She's afraid the doctor will think badly of her if he hears what happened.  

I told her doctor's are not judgmental--especially psychologists.  I told her that when her therapy is over she won't ever see him again, so why does she care?  "Because all my life I have tried to make people think the best.  I want them to see an independent, self confident, calm, controlled woman!"

Then she cried.

Because of her control issues and her distrust issues, she refuses hypnosis.  He wanted to try sodium pentothal truth serum, she refused.  Afraid of what she might say.   She now can't even remember the accident, so apparently because it made her so anxious, she has blocked it out.  

I told her today what she had told me about the accident the day after it happened.  She looked at me like I was telling her a story about someone else.  "I remember none of that!"  

Her family is now turning against her and tired of her "it's all about me" complaining because all of them saw her car, with the little dent in the bumper.  Her brother knows the manager at the body shop and he told him, "this was a minor bump." So they think she is lying about her pain.

One thing she told me today that I didn't know about her, when she has any procedure, surgery, colonoscopy, they put her out with the Fentanyl BEFORE they take her into the procedure room.  She gets hysterical when she sees all the people in the operating room and even though there are usually only two people in the colonoscopy room, she gets hysterical.  She can't stand be be laying down and people coming up to her--or people putting their hands up by her face.  She feels trapped.

Now--added to all of this, she has to go to the orthopedic surgeon to see if she has a rotator cuff tear.  I can't imagine what she is going to do if she has to have shoulder surgery!!

I don't blame her for her frustration.  This has been going on for 15 months and 9 doctors and specialists.  They can find no physical reason for the intense pain she says she feels.  She went to 3 different physical therapy places until they finally released her because the PT seemed to make the pain worse.

I've got to think part of it is psychosomatic, and I think this doctor can help her, IF she truly works with him.  I think her biggest fear is that they are going to admit her to a mental ward again.

As she left today, she said she felt a lot better and calmer.  I am learning to listen to all most that she says and only reply when she asks me a direct question.  I think that's what she needs the most, someone to hear what she's saying and feeling.

Thank goodness, I have also found a way to listen to it all and then not think about it after she leaves.  My intent was always to ponder on ways I could help her, which left me exhausted.  Now, it doesn't bother me as much--thank goodness.


  1. No matter how much you want to help, it is not, not, not fair, in any way, for YOU to be put in this position. Not!!!

    "Tough Love"

  2. "I think her biggest fear is that they are going to admit her to a mental ward again."

    You can't be _put_ in a mental ward, unless you are very obviously a danger to yourself, or others.

    A person can realize, that they need 'time out,' and go voluntarily.

    So, what did she do, to have to be in a mental ward, without her full permission?

    1. it was years ago. She was at a session with her therapist and went kind of crazy, out of control, hysterical, so they called 911, and the hospital ER put her in the mental ward over night. She ended up there for 3 months.

  3. I agree with Luna that it's not fair to YOU to be put in this position. You can't help someone who clearly doesn't want to help herself, who clearly loves the attention her "mystery pain" is bringing her. She's like a parent when munchausen by proxy syndrome only she's both the child and the parent. Psychosomatic! Do bears poop in the woods?

    1. Correction:'with' muchausens not 'when'

    2. I'm not trying to help anymore. I just sit and listen basically, pass her tissues when she cries and nod a lot.

  4. You've got it right, Judy. Just listen. You can't help her in any other way. But if it drives you to destruction, you'll have to limit her visits. It isn't fair to you.

  5. I meant drives you to "distraction" not "destruction." That really would be bad.

  6. Wow!!! People agreed with my "Tough Love" comment! Wow!

    Sorry but I still say, even LISTENING, is not good for YOUR health. You can not listen to all that "misery," without it doing a job on your insides. You just can't.

    But you do, what you choose to do.


  7. you are a kind soul and a good friend judy!! i think it is important to be a good friend - always, not just when someone is well!! my illness is a little different as it is physical, my friends are always there for me, no matter what. they help me when i can't help myself and i love them dearly for it!!

    sometimes they need me in different ways and i always try to be a good listener and offer comforting words. everyone is different, you should do what you are able to do and offer whatever you can to maintain your own happiness. maybe for dar, just being around you good for her, she needs someone who is positive and upbeat!!

    your a good friend judy!!!

  8. Oh buddy, you are an AMAZING friend. If you can listen and not let if affect you, you are doing the right thing ... for her.

    So give us your phone number so we can do the same! Talk therapy for free!!!!

  9. I think your listening to her is very helpful and soothing; I try to do more listening too, and less offering of my advice.

  10. I agree, Judy. Just listening is worth more than a thousand words of advice. You are indeed a good friend to her.