A cool, crisp Saturday--perfect football weather. The University of Michigan Wolverines, have a "bye", which means they won't play today. My Michigan State Spartans do play, but not until 4:00 this afternoon. They play the Iowa Hawkeyes and will probably get beat. This is not a good year for my Spartan football team.
But--who really cares? Well, yes, a lot of people, but in the whole scheme of life--does it really matter? I watch--because I always have and it gives me an excuse to sit in my recliner and cross stitch all afternoon.
I'm still fighting depression. I get the occasional God Moments, which bring joy, which lasts a few days. Then the loneliness and worries come back, nibbling along the edges of my mind.
If you have never experienced depression, you wouldn't--or you couldn't, understand how it feels. Even I don't understand it.
Keep busy, they say. Yes--I do, but my busyness now consists of putting the gardens to bed, which means sitting in my canvas chair, weeding, and pulling and filling up yard waste bags, which leaves a lot of time for thinking or remembering.
Cleaning house, vacuuming--every chore is so automatic that I don't have to think about it, which...leaves a lot of time for thinking.
Get out and do something, go somewhere, visit someone. Lovely idea too. But, my major worry is how to get through the month on the money I have. I am allowed $20.00 for gas a month. I can't just get in my car and drive to places for the fun of it. I can drive "up" to visit my sister and have lunch with the Old School Gal Pals once a month. Even then, I worry about how much lunch is going to cost--not something I have built into my budget.
I have my budget all set up in an Excel spread sheet. On the left are my expenses, with a total at the bottom. On the right, my income, with a total at the bottom. Then a space that reveals how much is left over. That space is in red, every single month.
There is no room for emergencies. That is my biggest fear. The "what ifs".
So the beginning of each month, when I print out my budget, the depression begins all over again.
It also makes me angry because I don't know how I ended up this way. Well, that's not entirely true--I do know. But that makes me angry too because it wasn't my fault and then I have a pity party in my mind. "Woe is me. I don't deserve this. It's not my fault!"
Shut up and live with the cards you were dealt!
When I worked and got $1,000.00 a month wages, I was sitting pretty. Now, that amount doesn't even cover my expenses.
I haven't had a genealogy to do in 4 months. That little extra bit I was making really helped. I had tucked $600.00 away and used $100.00 a month to balance my budget. Then I had to get my computer repaired = $200.00 and two months later, another $200.00 repair and cleaning or get a new one for $375.00. At the time, a new one seemed the smartest choice. If I am doing genealogy work, I need a good computer with enough storage and one that has the latest updates Windows, etc. There went my "stash" and haven't done a genealogy since.
I had thought of putting a red light out on my porch--turn it on at night and make a little money that way. Except, for every dollar I made, I'd have to give the guy 75 cents in change!!! Besides that, with my old hips, I don't think I'd be a very active participant. So no money in being a "lady of the evening."
So--it is a GOOD thing that I have my Spartan football to watch and my cross stitch to do. It makes me concentrate on something other than myself.
Sorry for the downer--who wants to read such a negative blog post as this!!! It's just that I would never tell someone this in "real life", verbally, so I guess you have to take the brunt of my feelings. Or you could just move on to a more positive blog writer--they are posted on my right side-bar--that might be best for your mood!!