Yes--for all concerned, I have tried a vibrator. I just thought it was laughable--sorry. It wasn't that sex was intolerable to me. It wasn't painful or awful. It was--okay. It is that just in my MIND, it was all about control and me not wanting to let go, perhaps? How can you let yourself go when you don't quite trust men? When you know that you know that you KNOW, eventually they will leave, hurt or betray you in some way. And I was right about that, from my father on--in every single case. My father started the betrayal by not loving me, but not letting me know I was special to him. That knowledge was hard to bear. If "they" could have that kind of power over me--if I had "given all of myself" to them? The betrayal would be so much harder to bear. In MY mind.
With my Freddie--I was the real me. I didn't have to be Miss Chef in the kitchen and Miss Whore in the bedroom. I didn't have to be---anything. He just thought I was the most wonderful, caring, loving, loyal women he had ever met--and I was.
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I think one reason I stay to myself and don't join any "groups", is because I am afraid I will mess up again!! Perhaps that is why I still wear my engagement diamond Fred gave me? It sits right there on the ring finger of my left hand.
Honestly? Not to sound boastful, but I still look pretty good and younger than my years. I still see men look at me and have recently been flirted with by a man in his early 60's.
That scares the living heck out of me!!! I try to remain unobtrusive, which is kind of difficult when I am near six feet tall and all legs. Men seem to fantasize about long legs wrapped around them. Not kidding. Just ask them.
I haven't been to church in over a year because, one of the ushers, always seemed to push the other ones out of the way, and they'd kind of nudge each other, as he took my arm to seat me in the sanctuary.
"You always sit in the same pew. I got it memorized now so I know right where to take you."
"Yes. I am a creature of habit, I guess."
"I never see your husband come with you. Are you married?"
"No. Widowed."
"Ooohh."
Creeps me out!!!
Honestly? I know myself. If some good looking, tall man, with lovely gray hair came along and showed any interest, there I'd be. Getting all stupid again. Painting his living room. Buying him new drapes for his windows. New bedding and pillows for his bedroom. I've done it before, too many times--I'd do it again.
....and if this one came back and was serious?
He will come back, for a lunch date or a chat, he usually shows up every couple of years, but he will never be serious. He likes to check and see if I've changed my mind about having sex with him.
If he even remotely acted like he was serious, I still wouldn't trust him. Because I've known him for 60 years--my teenage Summer Romance.
<maybe someday he'll tell me he is totally impotent and can't have sex. THEN I'd marry him, LOL>
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Honestly? I do not trust myself! Better to just stay here with my cats and my crafts and have a conversation with John and Maizey once in awhile.
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Honestly? The troubles with Jennifer and me are probably 60% my fault! Yes, she is very sensitive and can be overly dramatic. I have said things, that to me were kidding, but she took the wrong way.
Yes. I wrote about her and her husband in my previous blog and (a cousin) told her and Jen was very offended. I guess I shouldn't have a blog because I let it "all hang out".
Yes. The step-mother drove a huge wedge between us 20 years ago, but we had seemed to get past all that. It was Jen's idea for me to move down here. We got along so well for 10 years. I guess I'm the one who blew it.
Yes. At times I get bent out of shape and rant to my girls and sister. Jen takes it personally. The rest of them know, I am going through a phase and it will all be over the next day.
Yes. No matter how hard I try to--give it all to God, I overheard that Jen will be back in the area this weekend. The kids are getting together at Karen's. I will not be invited--and that hurts! I am just going to pretend I knowing nothing about their plans.
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Honestly? I can be passive-aggressive. I have posted things on Face Book, knowing full well that my neighbor's would see it and perhaps take the "hint" and finally "see the light"?
I used to post political links. Those offended a few friends. I didn't care. If they posted a political link for their side, I came back with one of my own to prove to them how "stupid" their thinking was.
A friend might post a "status" and instead of just reading it and moving on, I had some great need to give them MY advice in their comment section.
It's been the same way with Pearl and Dar. I see them as having no common sense and while chatting, I give my unsolicited advice.
Honestly? Who died and made me teacher of the world?
No one!
I won't be doing any of that anymore.
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Honestly? I have waaaaay too much pride. I don't want people to help me! I WANT to be the helper. It makes ME feel better if I am the solver of problems for someone else. I feel weak, if people help me.
Yeah--I've heard it all. How I should take help because then I will make THEM feel better. Yeah. Yeah.
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Honestly? Since my Daddy died, I AM the oldest member of the family--the blood line. The Matriarch, so to speak. It seems NO ONE in my family views me that way and honestly? It does tick me off!
I remember how everyone in my family feigned all over my father. They went to HIM to visit. When they entered his house, he sat in his chair and they went to HIM. They don't treat me like that.
I feel like if I don't get up and "move around", they would completely forget I am even in the same house.
Honestly? Why did my sister, and my kids inherit money and land from my father when I am the oldest blood kin? He believed in "blood" over everything. Why did I get by-passed?
Was/am I viewed as the black sheep of the family? I HAD to get married. A great disappointment to him--he was mortified that it ruined our family reputation in the community. Then, I went and got divorced. GASP!
He wasn't too pleased with the way my two older kids lived and yet--they got two of his farms, the rest of the grand kids got $10K each.
My little sister wanted to "move back home", but she meant, back to Michigan, she didn't mean on the family farm--way out in the boonies. She had envisioned a nice home near East Lansing. She really didn't want to inherit the family's original farm.
Honestly? Not a single one of them living on those farms, love that land as much as I always did and always will. It makes no never mind to me that I couldn't afford to live there. It's the principle of the whole thing!
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Honestly? My "adopted" daughter, Chris, who lives way out in Texas, treats me better than my own kids. She really cares what happens to me. She really loves me. I can call her and talk and tell her things I never would tell my kids and she can tell me things she never would have told her own mother. It is a Win-Win!
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Honestly? Deep down, I am not a very nice person. I am selfish. I am cranky. I am needy. I think that most people I now know are quite lame in their thinking. When, quite honestly, they have it more together than I ever have.
I am really no longer the center of anyones world--except my cats. There is that. However, someone else would take good care of them if I couldn't.
Honestly? I feel it would be better all around if I were not here. The kids would have one less thing on their list to think about--even as little as they think about me now. I am not vital. Don't appear to be useful, or needed.
Honestly? Why am I here?
I have thought of suicide, more in 2015 than ever before. Boy--I'll show all of them! See how selfish that is? Don't worry. I wouldn't do it. I desire to go to Heaven when I die and I still believe, no matter how un-P.C. it is, that God still believes, "Thou shalt not kill", even yourself.
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Honestly? I don't spend days thinking about these things I have posted in the last three days. I'm really quite over the anger/bitterness/angst of my previous years. I think it was the new year that prompted a day of sitting and pondering.
Honestly? I'm just kind of sad/depressed/tired/worn out most days. No real ambition or want to do anything.
So--because it is a new year and most people think on how they can change to make their life better, I too am thinking on that.
I know I need more human contact. I will work on that. Just don't expect me to be joining social groups--that is not or ever has been my thing.
I will try and call my girls every other week. Not something I have ever done, but I will try and remember. I am not or ever have been much of a phone person, but I will try.
I really believe that God is in control of my life. It's easier to believe that then in thinking I can control any aspect of it. I have believed that for a number of years, but sometimes I don't sound like it.
No one can really hurt me. It is how I react that makes it hurtful. Yeah--right. No one should go around intentionally saying whatever hurtful things they want to say. It CAN hurt and it can hurt for years and years. What did old Eleanor say? "No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent." Well, that's a bunch of B.S.! Especially if you are the kind of person that has little self-esteem to begin with. Words like that just reinforce the bad feeling you have about yourself.
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BUT--this is MY quote: "I choose to get happy and stay happy, no matter what!" Perhaps that smacks of denial? Oh well.
I do know what to do to have a pretty good rest of my life.
Honestly? It's time to stop talking about it. Time for action.
I am going to Walk
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ReplyDeleteC'Mon. What were you going to say?
DeleteI was going to rush in with advice. After I thought about it, I think you just needed to get this off your chest. I just feel for you my blog friend! Children deserve to have a safe and loving and affectionate childhood. Unconditional love goes a long, long way.
DeleteKeep blogging and clearing your life. We are here for you!!
I'll bet your spouses had more to do with you not inheriting than anything else. Your father might have thought the farms wouldn't stay in the family with some of the poor choices in men you were making. Even all these years later you say yourself that you don't think you can trust yourself if a guy showed interest in you. I think you under estimate yourself, though. You had Fred and I don't think you'd 'settle' now for just anyone who didn't treat you right. You're probably a better judge of men now because of Fred.
ReplyDeleteCalling your girls more often is a good idea. I have a list of four people I need to stay in closer contact with and I plan to call one each week, rotate the list. That way, I'm calling each of them once a month. Won't wear out my welcome.
I think your current state of mind was caused by the perfect storm of emotional draining events---New Years Eve, Fred's sadiversary and Jen's leaving the state. You'll feel better as we move the month along.
You are absolutely right about never settling. I was with Fred at the time my Dad died and he adored Fred! Okay--so I didn't inherit any land, but WHERE is my equivalent in $$$--she says as she pouts. HAH. Your last paragraph sums it up quite well, doesn't it? That plus the fact that my son has cancer and Christmas Eve was the first time I have spent any amount of time with him AND he told me he loved me AND that made me realize he has had his own mortality smack him in the face AND I hate that for my first born, (still in my mind) baby boy!
DeleteI hope as time moves on this year some of these thoughts go away. Sometimes the most awful place to live is inside our own heads/thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWhen I get all up in my head I try very hard to leave all that past behind and just try to be my best today and then tomorrow, etc. It's hard when you have so much time to dwell.
Those thoughts don't occur as much as they used too. I have had to put them away or I WOULD drive my car into the nearest telephone pole! I think Jean was right--an emotional Christmas Eve, Jen moving and not even saying Good-Bye, Fred's sadiversary AND the assessing life on New Year's Day. So--I wrote it all out, unfortunately for my blog readers--such a long posts, and now I feel much better. Those thoughts are where they belong now--and not in my head. :-)
Delete.
You've been there and done that so you understand. Eh?
DeleteWe all understand....
DeleteI also believe Eleanor was full of it. When a child is treated like you were by your dad, and me by my mom, there's not much room for self esteem. And, like you I need to reach out more to people, and at least call them instead of email, and FB.
ReplyDeleteNo postings from me on FB or my blog on how I feel about the political goings on; we each have to make up our own minds. And, quite honestly I have a friend who puts everything she reads on the news and shares on FB. I can read the NEWS myself, thank you very much.
Take care, Judy. I hope these postings have helped you. xoxo
You mean FB page clutter? I am guilty of that today--too many postings about my adventure yesterday!
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm talking about world news, political "news", that kind of stuff. ugh
DeleteYou sound so alive! I'd sure be hurt and angry at what has happened to you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that depression visited you several times this year and I'm glad you're letting everything hang out here. As for me, who has also experienced both...If I had to choose between experiencing depression or indignation, give me indignation! Then I can ride that pony where I want him to go. Toward MY highest good. So, Judy, ride that pony! It may feel like a wild horse now, but it will become your devoted and tender friend. Because it sees into your soul.
Funny how men are... and your own DNA sure packaged you in a way that triggers them! It does takes a jewel of a man to see beyond the packaging into that spirited soul of yours.
Looking forward to seeing what kind of action you will be taking!
ReplyDeleteI greatly admire your courage in your three "honesty" posts. I can relate to quite a bit of what you wrote. I don't know why it makes us all feel comforted (not quite the word I want, but can't think of a more appropriate one) to read of someone else having gone through similar/identical experiences, but it does.
ReplyDeleteI am so very happy that you met one great man. Amazing to meet someone at age 65 - that to me is a miracle.
I came to your site via Jean/Misadventures blog. Both your blogs have thrown light on my life-journey ahead. I can see how both of you have evolved and are still evolving over the years. God bless you both for your honesty and saying it how it really is - the bad with the good.
Mary (I hope you receive comments posted out of timeline, as I do want you to receive my heartfelt thanks and appreciation for your posts, which like a candle sheds light farther into the darkness of grief and life).
Thank you so much!!! It sure is a comfort to me to know that others have gone through things that I have. It lets me realize that I'm not weird. LOL For so many years, I thought I was the only one and it made me feel like such a bad person--instead of the naive woman I really was. Thank you again!!
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