It Was A Nice Day--Kinda.

 I went up to Byron yesterday to see Pam on her birthday and to visit my sister.

Mark and Pam had gone out to lunch for her birthday, along with Jennifer and their Dad. Pam told me they'd be back around 2:00, she would drop Mark off at his house and then be at her place.

I decided to sit up at Mark's so I would be there when they arrived, so I could see him.

It was quite lovely actually.  I parked my car under the shade of a big Maple tree, opened two doors on my car to catch the breeze coming through and thought and thought about the years I grew up there.  They got home at 3:00.

I got to give Mark a hug and a kiss and hand him his picture collage I had made for him--photo above.  The picture of me and him at 5 days, was printed on the back.  I told him I was making one for each of "you kids" and thought, as long as I was in the area, I'd dropped his off too.

He really liked it and gave me a big hug.

He was having a terrible back ache--he has two discs missing in his back, and had to get inside to rest.  He looks great.  Tall and strong and healthy looking as ever.
=======================
Apparently quite a few people in the small community know, the secret I couldn't talk about on here, but now can.  Mark has prostate cancer.  Plus he has tumors on his spine, at the base of his skull and his pelvis.

He got the first diagnosis in May.  He was going to have his prostate removed, late May, and then tell everyone afterwards.  Well no, he wouldn't tell everyone, he would leave it up to his girlfriend to tell everyone, "Hey, Mark had prostate cancer.  He had the surgery and everything is fine."

Then, they found the other cancers.  He still was not going to tell anyone, but his girlfriend got hysterical and drove down to Pam's and dumped it all on to her.

Mark had an MRI last Friday to see where other cancers may be and the oncologist will make a treatment plan.  If there is one.  There very well be nothing they can do for him.
==========================
Mark went inside and I followed Pam down to her house.

We spent about 90 minutes together.  She was worn out too.

Then I drove back up to my sister's and spent a couple of hours with her.  My sister and I made a vow some 30 years ago to be completely open and honest with each other.  Back in the days when our step mother was telling each of us lies about the other.

She and I had a wonderful talk!  Poor Pammie has known since early June.  She and Mark are very close and he will talk and see her, but no one else.  She told him to pack his suitcase and get in the car because, "we are taking a road trip to the American Cancer Treatment Center in Chicago!"  He refused.  

Susan has known since July 4th, as has Karen and Jennifer. I found out July 27th.  They wouldn't tell me because I would blab it on Face Book--like that would ever happen!

Many misunderstandings!!!  None of us what to communicate with his girl friend.  We can't understand her.  She tends to drink quite a bit.  Her voice is very hoarse and I can't hear her very well.  Pam is the one to get any new news and will text everyone else and send me an e-mail.

Pam and Susan told Cindy, his girlfriend that would make it easier on her--not to have to make several phone calls.  

When Jen hears from Pam, she will call their Dad and over dramatize the whole thing.
========

I had concerns about Jennifer that I wanted to clarify with my sister.

Jen dropped in Saturday night and told me I needed to visit Mark and apologize to him.

"Apologize?  For what?"
"When you told him you should have inherited the farm, instead of him."
"What!?  I never told him any such thing!"
"I just want you to see him and talk so you won't have any guilt feelings afterwards."
"Apologize for something I never did?"
"Well, he thinks you said that.  That's why he won't come to any family gatherings if you are going to be there!"

So, my brain kicks into gear.  I only usually see Mark twice a year--that's all anyone in the family usually sees him.  He is more a hermit than I am and doesn't like those kinds of things, has a stubborn streak, and just doesn't go.

BUT--I saw him Christmas Eve--in fact have a picture of us sitting together, talking.  We are both laughing. I saw him last June at Madeleine's open house.  We had a nice hug, kiss and chat.  Every Christmas Eve, like forever.  At a party Jen had a couple of years ago.  He attended my 75th birthday get together at Susan's, even though Jennifer did not.  (I was told they had company so she couldn't come and found out later--that was not true.)  So, he isn't missing any family get togethers because of me.

She went on, "You stopped in to see him one day, a couple of years ago, and told him that."

"I have been inside Mark's house twice since he's lived there.  Once, when he first moved in, in 1989
 and one day, after I had been to visit Aunt Susan,  in August of 2013.  At that time, I told him how happy I was that he had gotten that farm, because out of the three farms, that was his favorite because his grandma had lived there.  He nodded his head yes.  Why would I tell him I thought I should have it?  What would I do with a hundred acre farm?"

Jen said, "Oh, well maybe Helen (step-mother) said it and he misunderstood."
=======================

I had the strangest feeling that Jennifer was trying to get me riled up or something.  Like she thought knew that I'd go off half-cocked, run around telling everyone I never said that and look....perhaps guilty?

So yesterday, I didn't mention it to Pam, but I told my sister and wondered what I should do.

Susan said she had heard and she told my kids, "That doesn't sound like your Mother.  She was tickled to pieces that Mark and Pam inherited the farms--she told me that.' "

"Yes.  I told them both that.  Pam because it was the farm where she grew up and Mark because it was his favorite farm and he had spent such good times there with Mother and wanted to farm it with Daddy."

"I remember the day.  You were here and getting ready to leave and you said, 'I think I'll stop up and see Mark.'  In fact, I watched out the kitchen window as you drove on up there.  Remember?  I called you later to see how it went and you told me he was either drunk or high and you couldn't stay too long because of the filthy language he kept using."

"Well, it was hard for me to go up there.  Mark isn't exactly welcoming."

"It's not just you.  I have never been inside his house.  The only time I see him is when he comes down to put air in his truck tires and then....he never comes inside to say Hi or to talk."
===================
So--Susan and I mulled it all over.  

"If you apologize to Mark, just to keep the peace, he will think you are only doing it because he is dying.   He hasn't even accepted that yet."

"I know."

"If the girls hear that you apologized, they may get mad because you did it because YOU think he is dying and it upset him."

"So--it's a no win situation.  Right?"

"I love Jennifer to death, but.....knowing how she can be like Helen (step-mother), the only grandma she knew and was greatly influenced by....I wonder what her motives are."

"Me too."

"Just before Dad died, Jen told me that she thought you and I should apologize to Dad."

"For what?"

"I don't know.  I couldn't think of a reason.  We both told him we loved him.  We always hugged and kissed him every time we saw him.  If anyone needed to apologize to anyone...it would have been him to us!  For the way he treated us!"

"Wouldn't that have been a jaw-dropping, making us speechless moment?"

"Also, I think Jennifer wants to be in the middle of things, handling stuff.  She likes to be the in charge person.  She was with Dad when he died, and Helen when she died--at their last breath."

"Yeah.  Than everyone comes to her with sympathies and how wonderful she is for being with the dying person."

"Just like when you were in the hospital.  She hadn't seen or spoken to you in eight months, but into your hospital room she walks, with candy a hug and air kiss, and then out to confer with the doctor's and nurses.  What's up with that?"

"Well, in that case, she will be with me in my last moments!  How nice to know I won't be alone."
<we both laughed>

I said, "I have written each of my kids a letter, to be given to them after I die.  In each letter, I expressed to both Mark and Pam how I am glad they got the farms and the reasons why.  I wrote the letters in 2010.  In each letter, I told each kid how proud I have always been of them, how much I adored them when they were born, different instances of some situation when we had so much fun together,...you know--memory stuff and I told them how much I love them and....I apologized for not being the best mother to them."

"Yeah.  I have done the same for Adam. (her son).  

"So what should I do about this Jennifer thing?  Is she telling me this stuff to help or to hurt me?"

 Susan and I finally mulled it to the place where, I am not going to mention Jennifer's accusation to the other girls.  I am also not going to apologize to Mark for something I never did--at least not at this point in his illness.
=======================
I have decided and told Susan that I am no longer going to "share" with any of the girls things like, "Oh Karen, Pammie told me......." or, "Oh Pam, by the way, Jen told me", or really say anything to any of them.  Jennifer can twist my words so easily and the girls and Mark might believe her.  I just have to keep quiet and only take in what they tell me with no response from me other than an "Oh?" or a "Thanks for letting me know." 

I hate having to walk on egg shells with my kids, but 
I want no more misunderstandings!!!  

My sister will share everything she hears with me and I with her.  She will be honest with me, even if it hurts.  She has already cautioned me about saying flippant and sarcastic stuff--which I am very prone to do.  Our whole family "was" that way, but the younger generation doesn't get it and sometimes they think we are being real, or mean, instead of kidding.

Dear Karen has stayed much out of the fray.  Her brother picked on her most of her life.  Has lied to her and hurt her.  Yes, she is distraught that he is now dying, but she prefers to pray, rather than confront.  
========================

Complications and misunderstandings just get more so when there is something like this in a family.  I just wish it weren't so.  I just wish I could drop in and see my son, whenever I wanted to.  I wish the whole family could be more relaxed and get together and trust and support each other.
  
Maybe that will come later?