Epiphany

Today's high temperature was: 45 degrees

Grey. rainy, much colder tonight

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Back story?  Semi-autobiographical?  Fiction based on fact?  Are you kidding me?  Who could have that kind of life?

I honestly wondered at one time, if perhaps I WAS capable of putting a bad curse on people.  Not that I ever wanted to, but it seemed men I had known and cared for deeply and saw a future with AND DUMPED ME were dying at a rapid rate--for no known reason.  They were all healthy and all of a sudden, they weren't.  How could a pastor die from liver cancer?  He never drank in his life.  How could a health nut, who worked out every day plus, ran 10 miles each day, drop over dead of a heart attack?  How does a man in his sixties, who worked hard as a mechanic, suddenly have blood cancer and die within weeks?  And the last man--so vital, and young.  Doing work for everyone in the neighborhood--the one who hurt me the most--die in such a horrific manner? Well--that WAS fiction.  Yes, at one time he suffered with bad burns, but he recovered and a three years later, last year, died of 20 different cancers in his body.

Only one thing they all had in common.  They all had dumped me in a ruthless way and now--they are all dead.  I once told Fred to be careful, and then I told him the stories.  He laughed, said he was "safe" because he would never hurt me.  Then of course, he died, which hurt me the most.
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This blog post spoke to me this morning.  I feel like Bella is talking about my life.  I suppose if Fred were still here, I would still be doing what she and her husband are doing.  Left alone, I have become an introvert--heck I am real near being a recluse!  The thing of it is, I know it and don't really mind.  Is it a commonality of getting older?  Wanting to have our alone time?  Liking the quietness?  Finding excuses to just stay at home?  Or perhaps, as I have felt, I have always been a loner and the past years were me trying to be something I wasn't.  Trying to be liked so I had the jokes and the quick wit to say something funny and the parties and the laugh.  Now--I'm not going to even try.  As I told Bethie this morning that I wasn't going to the November Third Thursday of the Month luncheon.  I just didn't feel like putting forth the effort and believe me--today, it would have taken all my gumption to attend.
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Well--now I am getting ticked off!  I first found out Jen was mad at me in April.  It didn't really bother me for seven months.  Nothing seemed much different.  In the summer of 2012, after my hip surgery, when I could get around better, I begged her to invite me over for supper, or for us to go out.  She promised to "do" a supper with me at the Black Rock restaurant--I gave her the gift certificate for it.  I asked her to please let me know when the kids were involved in something at church/school/sports, so I could attend.  To let me know a day I could take them to play putt putt golf.  Never happened.

Last Thanksgiving, she called to tell me Eric's mother, brother and friend were coming in and she would let me know what time to come over.  I looked forward to it, as I like Eric's mother and we have a good time talking, playing cards and games with the kids.  By 6:00 Thanksgiving evening, I kind of figured perhaps they weren't having their celebration until Saturday or perhaps Sunday.  Well, the next Monday arrived and no calls--nothing.  I finally called Jen and asked her what had happened and she said, "We got so busy, I forgot."  Nice huh?

So this year, I started the procedure over again, asking when I could see the kids or come over for a play day or whatever.  I stopped over one Sunday in February, unannounced, and she acted very irritated.  Then the whole debacle in going to her church, during Lent.  Her excuse always was, "We didn't have time to call and tell you where we were going to sit."  Then in April, I got her first e-mail.

So now, her last e-mail said that I never had time for the kids. Could I send her a rebuttal e-mail and bring up the things she has done over the past two years?  Of course I could.  What would be her reply?  "It's always all about you, isn't it?"  Could I send her an e-mail or letter explaining that 3,500 people DID NOT see the post and she is incorrect in her assumptions about blogs?  Sure I could.  Would she respond?  Of course not!  Because it would be all "about me" trying to justify my actions.

Now, she says it is my fault that "the family won't see the kids on Christmas Eve."  Except--the "family" sees them all the time.  Karen tutors them, Pammie baby sits them, Susan sees them and Mark saw them just two weeks ago when they all met for their Dad's going to Florida get together.  Except Jen who stayed home because she was "sick"--sure she was.  She's not too keen on her Dad either.

So--I won't see them.  How is that any different then it has been for the last 10 years?  How she promised me if I moved down here, I would baby sit Andrew and she would pay me $500.00 a month (which was figured into my budget) and then changed her mind.  AND OF COURSE I was suppose to understand.

With nothing being any different in our relationship, except she has made it "official" that I am dead to her, why am I upset?  I still have my three children that love me and want to be with me.  I still have grandchildren (including hers) that love me and want to be with me.  It appears to me to be a "cut off your nose to spite your face" kind of thing.

That ticks me off and that feeling, is all I need to put it all back on her decision to act this way, and get me out of this pit!!!

Pearl and I were talking about this just  yesterday.  Her oldest daughter didn't speak to or see her for two years.  Pearl had no idea what brought it on, but she just let her daughter be and a couple of years ago, she started showing up for family gatherings again.

So--I am just going to "let my daughter be".  Her decision, her choice, her consequences.
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