Change

Today's high temperature was: 24 degrees
Feels like Temperature:  15 degrees

A Shiny day!!

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Some Greek philosopher said, "The only thing constant in life is change."  I can see him sitting there, dressed in his fine white toga, lounging by the side of a pool, overlooking the blue Aegean Sea, eating grapes and chatting with this buddies.  That's all they did all day.  Sat around and came up with profound sayings.  Not much change in their lives actually.

For a person who likes permanence, the fact that life does not have that quality, can make that person's life a bit difficult.  Look up the term BPD (borderline personality disorder) in Psychology Today and one of the symptoms is; hates change--with my picture along side the definition.

My "mood" can be changed by the weather.  When I see a shiny day, like today, I am quite peaceful and content.  Everything seems to be okay.  Let the barometric pressure drop, and I get all wonky.  I am down.  I am depressed.  I don't feel like doing anything.

The time change upsets me for weeks--especially the change in the spring, when we jump ahead an hour.  My Circadian Clock gets off and I feel confused for days and days.

Most of all, it's personal changes that throw me.  Things that happen that I can do nothing about--drive me into deep depressions.    It takes me a long time to get used to the "new" situation.  I do not adapt well to changes in my life.  

I have always been a worry-wort, an anxious person, even as a child.  I have a real hard time living a positive life--because I am positive, anything good will change.  It messes with my mind.  

Here I am, a self proclaimed Christian who is suppose believes that God has a plan and that plan is good.  Who hopes knows to give it all to God and let Him handle it.  Who wakes up every morning and the first words are, "I trust you, Jesus" and hopes they aren't just words spoken in rote, but in true belief.

Death is by far the hardest change for anyone--and not just for the dead person.  They, no doubt, are quite content with the consistency of the after life.  The people left behind--harder for them.  The one permanence in our survivor life--because nothing is going to change that situation.  They aren't away on a business trip, a hunting trip, a weekend spent at a vintage car show and dirt track car race.  They aren't going to pop back into the house at any moment.  You can't go visit them in the hospital.

Gone.

Forever.

Of course, this time of year is probably the hardest for a survivor.  Their permanent "goneness" is so evident this time of year.  The "presence of absence" that we talked about earlier.  The proverbial "elephant in the room".  We keep nudging that elephant out of the way--wishing it would just go out into the garage or somewhere we didn't have to see it all the time.  

Sitting there, in the midst of others, laughing and so happy with their lives, and we feel like the fifth wheel, the sore thumb.  The smile on our face, until our cheeks hurt, because we miss Dad or Mother.  Child or husband.  They should be there!   Or at least, their name spoken sometime during the festivities.  

Fred and I were always alone on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day.  The year my sister moved back here, we four made a pact!  We would celebrate Christmas Day together, because they were alone too.  How happy we were that Christmas Day 2011.  We even planned what we would do the next Christmas Day.  How wonderful to have them living nearby so we could get together.  A new tradition.  YAY!

  ...and then, six days later...CHANGE!

Dammit--I really hate change!