Who Am I?

Today's high temperature was:  72 degrees

Today's humidity was:  60%

Sunny, a nice breeze- PERFECT!

Someday's I wonder who in the heck am I.  I feel strange in my head at times.  I don't have the same reactions, fears or thoughts that I have had most of my life.  Things that I use to be so definite about, now I find grey areas.  I don't have much motivation.  Late in the evening, when I really feel awake and alive, I think about what I am going to do the next day.  Then, in the morning, I wake up and I just don't care.  

What's up with that?

I always feel better mentally and physically if I get out, or do a chore, but the motivation to do that...just isn't there. I feel like I have to force myself to get out of bed..to get outside...to even move out of my chair.

No--I am not depressed--I don't think.  I've never been a lazy person.  I don't know..........maybe I AM losing my mind.

===================================

My alarm went off at 8:00, as usual.  I turned it off, rolled over and went back to sleep until 10:00, as usual.  I so want to stop this habit!  But--I don't feel awake until around 10:00 at night, so...I stay up until 2-3 or 4.  No wonder I can't wake up at 8:00.  It's summer!  Lots of light in the morning.  Lots of time to get things done!  I tried going to bed last night at 11:00--couldn't sleep.  Took a Melatonin, still couldn't sleep.  Finally at 2:00, I took a Benedryl--then I slept and I must have slept well because, when I made the bed this morning, I only had to pull up the covers on my side of the bed.  The covers weren't wrinkled, the other side, still made up.

I got up, fed the cats and sat down at the computer for two hours!  It was noon--I hadn't eaten yet--walked up to Pearl's for a chat for an hour.  When I got back home, I got a half a sandwich, and sat down in my chair.  I was going to watch a movie.

Then I remembered--the big chore I wanted to do outside.  It was my kind of weather--cool, with a nice breeze.  I made myself get up and outside and worked on the chore.  Hard work and I got it done.  Not perfect, but...good enough.  The lawn area under the bird feeders is now level with the rest of the lawn--not that 8 inch mound anymore.  

 

Nice and level

I used my garden fork to dig with, to loosen it up with, then shoveled all the chunks into yard waste bags--it took two, only about 1/4 full--I could hardly drag them to the drive.  Then I raked it.  Now, I just need to put a bit of grass seed on it and all is well.

My back was screaming like a banshee, so I put a DVD of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" in the player, sat down and cross stitched while I watched it.  I haven't seen the movie since it's release, some 40 years ago and had forgotten how hilarious and sad it was. When it was over, I felt unsettled.

I got up and moved around a bit and went outside to check out my Freddy Gifts.  The lilies are still beautiful--the one by the front porch steps still has not bloomed, but is loaded with buds.  I think the pink one is my favorite.

Maybe that's what is wrong with me.  I had a sad time last night and today, thinking about Fred a lot.  I go days without even thinking of him and then---BAM--for no reason.  I don't understand it.  Maybe I didn't grieve hard enough or long enough?  Maybe this is some delayed shit? 

I have been feeling so upbeat lately and now...beat down.  I tell you---my moods are like the temperature--way high one day, cool the next.  

...and yet--I feel different.  I ponder on that--I ponder way too much.  Always trying to figure things out.  

I don't have the fears I use too.  I don't have the feeling that I am being ridiculed by the elders anymore.  I have such freedom and I like it.  Maybe it's this new person that is emerging from the constraints of so many years--and thus, it feels strange?  Even a bad habit is missed when it is gone.  

Maybe that's it!  Maybe it is this feeling of finally being free for the first time in my life and I am not use to that.  I don't have to be continually thinking of how I can be pleasing or please the Daddy and step-mother.  I actually have no one I have to account to.

I have no one, but me.  Now that is something I certainly am not use to!!! 

Maybe I feel a bit lost from all the recent changes?  I just don't feel real comfortable in my own skin.

Who am I?  I guess I better get to it and figure that all out!!!