For one tiny moment--a smile landed on my face,

it is as it is.

 The last week of November.  These last few months have gone so fast and I have spent most of them in hospital or here.

I went to the dining room for lunch today.  "they" tell me if I don't socialize I will get even weaker and want to be alone more.

HAH!

I've spent the last 10 years basically alone and the last 3 years totally alone--except for therapy.  I like to be alone,  The ladies at the table seeded sane at least.  I wanted answers so I ask--"how long did it take you to get used to living here?"

    #1.  Mary--has a sharp nose, like a witch and a gray wig cut in different lengths. "I've neen here eight and a half months and I still hate it."

    #2  Ann--quiet, composed, sweet smile.  She said "I've been here 3 years...don't like it.  I dom't anyone ever really gets used to it...knowing this is it for life...no matter how nice the facilities, we are still"captive".

    #Julia -- scowled  atl the time--didn't say a word...not a word...just sat and look at me.

That may or may not be her answer.

 Karen & Mark Grand Children

Bennie(3), Della(6), Eliana(18mo.), Neeco(1yr.), Harrison (4)

Daisy Josephine

4 hours

 I've figured every way to die in this place--refuse to eat?  Stay in bed, sleeping day-affter-day?

Doesn't work.  I* aked to speas to a consulare, they don't have one.  They have a social worker, but talking with her brings out the party line/  The Corporate slogan.

I know I'm lucky to be here This is the best AL continuum around--people mpve easily from rehab.AL to Long Term Care to Dementia care.

I think the initial schock is wearing off--it takes about 6 weeks.  Every one agrees that the way I was introduced to the place, "This is where you will be living from now on.  You won't go home again."  Not being able to see mu Buddy cat again. look around at what I MIGHT want to bring here.  I know something strange feeling went thgough me.  I thought after, I may have had a stroke--because since, I have a hard time remembering and spelling...when the kids first set up my computer, I had forgotten how to use it.

I just know I need too find someone to talk to about how I get reconciled with this way of life.

 Pretty much doomed to living the rest  of my life in this old folks home, and no reason to get too enthused to break 100 years old/ it occured to me I should help the greater cause of the greater.

Some of us wear BiPAP breathing machines.  Haven't I read that they are suspposed to be cleaned?  I've had mine 2 months--it has never been cleaned--I think they rinsed the water cup out once.

I discussed with night-time hear nurse.  She said they had already been tying to figure which department/which maintenance under-department and she thanked me for ,concern.

I am greatly assured as we strap on our masks and feel the deep slither of dirty/water salmonella, germ buggies slide to the deepest reaches of our lower lung lobes. 

What's The Point?

 What's the point in coming back to a blog I haven't posted in, in 8 months?

What's the point, when it is, as it is, and nothing is going to change?

Personality, I don't even see a reason to live.  But, apparently, my innards are too healthy to quit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all started August 16--I fell backwards in the bathroom. It didn't look or feel bad so I ignore it.  Besides I had a 3 molar extraction the next day.  On aug. 21, I fell==same spot in the bathroom.  My PT determined that I would go to ER

Off to the hospital...left (drop foot) is broken...4-5 and ankle and heel are sprained.  Rehab at a swanky place called The Willows..lucky we know the director and a couple of nurses to vouch for us or we'd never got in here.

Then the stress seemed continual:

I woke up one Sunny morning and Maggie the Cat was lying dead in the middle of the floor.  What do I do with a dead cat and no leg/muscle strength to take care of the situation?      Suggestions to put in a bag out on the porch--93 degrees that day.  Suggestion to just bag her and throw her in the garbage can--pick up the next day.  Thankfully, my friends -Pearl and Merle's daughter Marge, who had been caring for cats while I was in hospital, came, lovingly wrapper her in  baby, i had for her, put her in a vanilla scented trash-bag, into a small box and buried Maggie under the ornamental tree  I had planted 3 years ago.

Back in hospital 3 days later for heart stress test and heart catherteriz ation. rehab        Willows, back to hospital for breathing problems, rehab at Willows, home, hospital, rehab...then one morning, the kids, sister, doc, rehab people, all gather and with one united breath                                                                                                             state:"There has been a decision made by all of us, you are incapable of taking care of yourself, you will be staying here."

Well, okay--but at least one time back home to go through things? Hold my Buddy cat,  One night in my bed?

Apparently not, because they added reasons to it and stated it again.  That's when I screamed and the nurse later described it to be as a "catatonic reaction" to a shock that came on too fast.

That was a couple of weeks ago.  For a long time I just laid with my eyes closed.  I didn't respond or couldn't. 

I'm still confused about the whole thing.  Some one stuck in a place I don't want to be, but it's the best place for me.  I have to stay here. where it's the same every day, the people are nice, the food is good...just to keep me alive as long as possible,

I ask again.

What's the point?