title explained

Onward and upward! something that you say in order to encourage someone to forget an unpleasant experience or failure and to think about the future instead and move forward.

My e-mail: jjmiller6213@comcast.net

Thursday, July 28, 2016

It's Complicated

I would be very uncomfortable for Mark and I to be alone together.  If other members of the family were around or even in the next room, it would work, but just he and I, alone in his house?  He would be uncomfortable.

I haven't really 'known" Mark for several years.  He didn't like coming to family get togethers.  We'd see him on Christmas and maybe one other time during the year.  He just didn't do what he didn't want to do.  I saw him this past Christmas, alone out in the kitchen for a nice hug and that's when he told me he loved me.  I hadn't heard those words from him since he was about 4 years old.  He used to think I hung the Moon.

He was a much different young man as a teenager, very caring, expressive, easily hurt.  He was so close to my Mother, spending a lot of time with her at the Farm. When he was 10, he told me he wanted to be a minister.

Then she died suddenly and he changed.  He refused to go to church anymore.  He got in with a different crowd that drank and smoked the weed.  In six weeks time, his report card went from all A's to all D's.  He just stopped caring and then, the middle of his Senior year, he took off to California and lived there 18 months.  After that experience, he was more than happy to come back to The Farm and has lived there for the last 35 years.  On his Grandma/Grandpa/s farm.

He is a very quiet person, like his Dad.  Not one to enter a conversation unless asked a question.  He's lived life the way HE wanted to live it.  I do know that he has a gentle heart and he adores Karen and Jen's kids and the last two summers, when his sister's went up north for a sibling's weekend and MADE HIM GO--he had a great time.

Maybe I feel detached.  He and I have never gotten back the closeness we had for the first 18 years of his life.  I know he is my son, but he never calls or sends cards, or visits or comes to me at family functions, I have to make the move and I know so little of his life, that he feels almost like a cousin.  That probably sounds awful,
I slept 10 hours last night.  Today--I did nothing!  Well, I did put out my garbage and while I was out, I did water my annuals and Pearl came down to visit, but------that was it.  It was cooler, but still, after 15 minutes outside, I was sweating from the humidity.

Tomorrow I am determined to drive into Brighton to the Rich People's store and get a couple of their own made salads and stop at Michael's for a skein of floss.


  1. I wonder if being the only boy in the family made a difference with him making an effort to stay in touch. I'll bet he grew up expecting that sending cards, making calls and being the first to show affection were 'women's work.' That hug and 'I love you' in the kitchen that day really does tell you all you really need to know about the adult Mark. If you want more, it's up to you to go for it.

  2. I don't think it's awful to feel detached from Mark after all that. Sounds like that's what he wanted anyway. You love him and he knows it and that's pretty much all you can do.

  3. I fear my relationship with my oldest son is taking this same path. Being even somewhat estranged from one of my children breaks my heart, and yet, I can't give him what he wants if what he wants is a blanket acceptance of his addictions. I love him, he knows I love him, but the minute I stopped enabling him, he stopped engaging to the level he once did.

    Mark may feel a greater need for connection as he goes through the next few months?

    This heat is something, huh?

  4. I can only imagine how you feel, Judy. So glad though that he told you he loves you. God bless.


  5. That hug in the kitchen says so much. He still feels the connection, and gratitude. I've never walked in your shoes, and had a son or daughter, except for the distant step son and daughter I didn't raise. You raised him, in every way, and his Dad likely had a huge influence on him, too. He is blessed, and God bless you.

  6. You mentioned that at one time he wanted to be a minister but then had nothing to do with church later. Perhaps this would be a good time for you to talk with him about his faith.

  7. I understand what you are saying...you two have something there..just have to find it again if at all possible. I like what Lil Red Hen touched on in the comment above..that's an idea for a start XO

  8. There is nothing like facing one's own mortality that brings us back to our faith. He and his sister Pam talk about it a lot. She said that last week he told her, "I guess this is God's way of getting my attention?" Then he and she talked about all the stuff we used to do in church and how he would get so angry if I didn't get up in time to make it to Sunday School AND Church and only got to church. He remembers his beginnings and the prayers they each learned as children. That is my prayer now--not that he be healed, but that he renews his relationship with Jesus--the relationship he had for the first 14 years of his life.

  9. I'm late (as usual) to this post but I'm glad you had a rest day. I'm on my second recovery day in a row (although I did have to go out twice yesterday -- in the morning to a doctor appointment plus Walmart, and in the evening to tutor one of my students) and I plan to really really really do nothing today. Not even cook. They can eat leftovers. My heart breaks for your Mark. I love my children so much and I'm so grateful for their love for me and their dad. My only son is such a treasure and I'm glad we get along. I pray your son moves closer emotionally to you, as I'm sure he would like to do. xoxo