Freaky Friday

sub-title: "If I continue to live here, I am headed for 

the mental ward!"

There is nothing wrong with Merle.  After going through, every heart test, a ultra sound of his abdomen, a CAT scan, an MRI of his brain, and two different EMG's--and if you ever had one of those,  you know how painful they are, plus 10 vials of blood--there is nothing wrong with him, EXCEPT a bit off in his Thyroid!

Merle said, "You kept telling me there was nothing wrong with me.  How did you know?"

"I just did."

"They were telling me I had Parkinson's.  Pearl thought I had ALS."

"Both of those diseases affect balance.  I see you ride by on your bike everyday and you don't have a problem with your balance.  You don't slur your words, you don't tremble.  I knew at least, it wasn't any of those kinds of disease.  Besides...I just felt in my gut, that there was nothing wrong with you and....usually I am not wrong about that feeling."

Then I looked at Pearl, "See...borrowing trouble and worrying yourself sick before all the results were in."

Pearl says, "Well, if I say it is the worse thing I can think of....then it usually turns out not to be that thing."
<okay>

So, she has gone around the neighberhood telling everyone, "Merle is sick," convincing her children that Dad was going to be bedridden and then die from some awful disease.  Probably that fear of hers, rubbing off on Merle and.........................?

Pearl said, "Well, he does have something wrong with his spine!"

"Scoliosis?"  I asked.

"Yes!"

Merle said, "How do you know that?"

"Because, almost anyone our age or older has that problem.  I have it.  Probably Pearl has it.  It comes from age--heavy lifting--work.  They found it on the MRI--right?"

"Yep.  I'm going to the pain clinic for Cortisone shots in my back."

"The same one Pearl and I went to?"

Pearl says, "Yes, but we didn't get Cortisone."

"Sure we did.  We got Depo-Medrol.  It is a form of Cortisone and Prednisone--a pain reliever and anti-inflammatory."

"Well, it sure didn't help us!"

"No...it didn't."

Merle said, "So---I'm suppose to go through all that and it won't help?"

Pearl said, "Maybe it WILL help you."

I said, "Maybe."

I have to tell you--the way Pearl acted, it was like she was almost disappointed that there is nothing wrong with him.  Like she wanted something to pin his tiredness on.  Like she just can't deal with the fact that he can't get up on the roof and make repairs--or he can't push mow their lawn all at one time without getting tired or his back hurting.  Or perhaps she will have to vacuum and make the bed?

She probably will be down tomorrow to ream me out.
==============================

When I left their house, I looked over and noticed that Dar's new car has a long, vertical dent in the trunk.  Just then she came out--she was on her way over, so we came back to my house.

If you thought, what I posted about her on Wednesday was nuts--you should have seen her today.  

She was puffing on a cigarette.

"Where's your e-cig?"  I asked

"It's Judy L's fault.  She asked me last night if I wanted a cigarette and I said 'yes" and she gave me a pack of Marlboro's"

"Marlboro's?  Those are the worse kind to smoke.  You keep it up and you'll be back to a pack a day!"

"Well, I needed a cigarette--a real cigarette."

"No you don't!  The only thing you are addicted to is the nicotine!  Your e-cig has plenty of nicotine in it.  You needed the formaldyhyde, the carbon monoxide, the arsenic and all that REAL stuff?"

"YES!"

"Okay. What happened to your car?"

"Someone backed into me, while I was at work."

"Oh.  I'm sorry."

"Well--that's what I wanted to talk to you about.  That's a lie.  When I got home from work last night, I backed into the drive and I hit the corner of the house."

"Oh.  My.  Gosh!"

"I wanted to ask you what I should do."

"You mean...get it fixed... or...I don't understand."

"Should I lie to the insurance adjuster or tell the truth?"

"Oh...well...I'm not going to give my opinion on that.  YOU do whatever YOU want to."

"Well, if I tell the truth, I am going to have to pay my deductible."

"How much is it?"

"I have no idea."

"It's on your insurance policy---under the collision coverage."

"I don't understand any of that."
<good grief.  Why don't I just shoot her?>

"Get your policy and I will show you."

"I have no idea where it is.   My brother's told me just to lie about it."

"Okay."

"I need an honest answer.  What would you do?"

"I'd tell the truth."

"Oh--dammit--I knew you'd say that!"

 I gave a deep sigh, "Okay--when the adjuster comes out to look at your car, he is going to know that no vehicle ran into you.  You have a vertical dent--like you ran into a pole or a sharp corner.  Any vehicle would leave a horizontal dent--cross wise not length wise.  Then, if you lie, and he realizes it, he will accuse you of fraud and you might lose your insurance."

"Well--I was at work so I don't know what ran into me."

<it may be time for a lesson>
"What religion are you?"

"Baptist."

"Baptist?  Hm--mm, pretty strict rules of conduct in their discipline.  This is what you do, call your pastor and ask him what you should do."

"But---I CAN'T do that!"

"Why not?"

"Because he will tell me not to lie!"

"So...hm-mm...you are very willing to lie to the insurance man, but not your pastor?"

"I see your point."

"If you can reconcile all of that, and justify the lie, without telling your pastor...God is gonna know anyway."

"Hm-mm."

"You claim to be such a good Christian.  Put your words into actions...or not.  Your choice."
<tee hee>

Then she went off on some sort of..........I don't know...........

"I have to go into prayer about this now."  and she raised her arms and hands way up in the air and started mumbling and then wiped her face.  Then she got up and started pacing the living room--smoking like a fiend.  Then she turned to me:

"You know I heard about this church--a Baptist church over by Howell and I'm going to start going.  That church up the road is NOT a Christian church!"

"You told me last winter you LOVED that church."

"Do you know what--I have been in prayer about this too...Judy L. gave me a DVD to watch and it was so disgusting I couldn't watch it.  I wonder what kind of Christian SHE is.  She says she's a Christian, but a Christian wouldn't watch that kind of movie."

"Didn't you and July L. go to see 'Tammy" last month?  I heard it was pretty nasty, but you said that you and she sat and laughed until you cried."

"Well--it was only rated R...not triple X."

"I don't think Christian's go to see R rated movies...do they?"

"Well, when I got home, I read a whole chapter in the Bible to make up for it."

"Oh."

"What do you think about that guy in Detroit who shot that girl through his screen door?"

"I don't know.  If someone was knocking on my door at three in the morning...I would have been scared.  He had a break-in just a couple of weeks before that.........."

"I need to be in prayer about that sawdust pile too.  I need to ask God to clean that up somehow--someone...I..."

"Excuse me...I have to go to the bathroom."

She lights another cigarette and off I go.

Yes--I needed to use the bathroom, but I had to get away from the madness for a minute.  I sat down and and said, "Dear God...this woman is nuts!"

When I came back out, "You know what happened today?  A nice looking gentleman thought I was sixty years old!"

"At work?"

"No!  I was working a garage sale with my friend today--I told you that, right?"

"No."

"Oh--she has lovely antiques and furniture..I got two end tables and a coffee table and a six-panel wooden screen."

"Where are you going to use the screen.  In your living room?"

"No.  I don't have room really--I don't know, but I had to have it."
<now, where did I put that gun?>

"Maybe you should have saved your money to pay to repair your dent."

"OHMYGOD!!  I know now!  I loved that car so much that God put the sin of pride on me and made me back into the house last night.  Just to show me not to love inanimate objects!  That's it!"

"God....made you back into your house?"

"Yes--don't you see?"

"Not really."
<no gun, do I have a baseball bat I could use>

"Do you know that Connie and those damn grand kids, ruined my furniture.  I paid over two thousand dollars for my end tables and coffee table, and they marked them up........"

"So, that's why you got the ones from the garage sale today?"

"Yes.  They aren't as nice as mine, but they are nice and it she gave them to me for only three hundred dollars!  Only a hundred dollars for the screen!"

"Wow!"

She picks up her phone, "I gotta call my Daddy and see what he thinks I should do."

"About the tables....I don't...ah...the car?"

"The car...but I know what he will tell me to do.  He'll say to lie about it."

"Probably."

"If I tell the truth...won't my insurance go up?"

"I don't really know."

"I know what I will do.  I will find that insurance policy and...if I lay my hands on it and pray...God will send me the money to pay for the repair on the car."

"Or--you could just wait...save up the money and get it fixed later."

"No--I hate driving around with a dent in my beautiful car."

"I think I hear pride talking again............."

"No--this is different."
<perhaps I have poison--just a bit, to put in her coffee?>

"Boy," she says.  "I am really up on the roof tonight aren't I?"

"Ah...yes."

"I gotta go home.  Thanks for helping me."  and she ran out the door.

I found four cigarette butts in the ashtray--that she dug through my desk drawer to find.  That woman is hooked again!

So, I washed the ashtray and put it away and sat down and...even now...my head is swimming.
=================
My other neighbor Tami--a younger version of Dar, just came up to the open screen window by my chair and started talking.  Scared me half outta my chair.    I can't quite get a handle on what she was ranting about and it is way too late to post about it--maybe tomorrow, if I can get my brain back to normal?
==================

Where do these people come from?  I have never, NEVER in my life met anyone like them!