title explained

Onward and upward! something that you say in order to encourage someone to forget an unpleasant experience or failure and to think about the future instead and move forward.

My e-mail: jjmiller6213@comcast.net

Friday, October 16, 2015

Me and My Shadow.

Geez oh Pete!  

I guess it will just be better if I refrain from telling my children ANY of my feelings.  My friend thought it might be good for me and them, if I were a bit more open with my kids.  Expressing my feelings of the loneliness I feel being excluded from their lives, or that I'm not as independent as I try to make them think I am.  Trying to get back that close-knit family that used to be.

I had lunch with my high school gal pals Thursday.  I hadn't been the last two months.  I figured now that I know my son's cancer treatment is going well, I'd tell them that he has cancer, BUT he is doing okay. When I made the statement, they all started nodding their heads.  Come to find out--they have ALL known since late July.

One of my friends said, "I think we all knew before you did."

Apparently, when my ex went to his class reunion, he told all his friends.  Some of the same friends I have lunch with.  So, while I was absent from the lunches, this was discussed and apparently they all knew I was not to be told.

So, when asked, "Why didn't your kids tell you?'  or "Why didn't Mark tell you?"  I tried to brush it off with a flip,"Mark didn't want anyone to know and they know I would blab it all over."  Ha Ha.

What I really felt was complete embarrassment.  Who else in this group has family problems that are kept from them?  None.  How long has this group been gossiping about me?  What else don't I know?

When you have known people since the first day of Kindergarten, they have a certain perception of you.  I think that perception remains to this day.  We kind of expect each other to talk and act like we always have--since high school on.  Since I am not close to any of them, except Beth who I had already told about Mark, I almost felt like a couple of them took pleasure in the fact that they knew before me.

Like their ages old perception of me had changed.  No longer was I (incorrectly) perceived as having this tight, close-knit family that shared all.

I don't know.  Perhaps I am being paranoid.  I've had a lot of that lately.

Anyway, later last evening, I told my girls of what had happened and I hoped something like that never happened again in our family--that I was left out.  

Then I shared with them that lately, I have felt left out about a lot of things.  I feel kind of excluded from their family get togethers.  I don't really know what is going on, until after it is over.

This IS a new feeling, brought on 2.5+ years ago when I posted something that a cousin told Jen about and made Jen angry at me.  It's like the kids have hardly any desire to communicate with me since then.  None of them visit very often.  I think they no longer trust me.  We used to be so close.

I thought I was gentle when I voiced my feelings, but Jen blasted me!  Whoa--did she blast me.

She said that no one in our family has any respect for me.  That Mark didn't really care who knew of his cancer, just so I never knew.

Her anger comes from the idea that she looked at my blog post, after the cousin told her what I had written--well no, the cousin called my step-sister's husband to tell him and the step-sister told Jen--anyway, Jen said my blog numbers showed I had 3,600 views and that meant 3,600 people had read my post that day so, 3,600 people saw what I wrote about her.  She was going to sue me for defammation of character.

3,600 people?  I have tried to explain to her--three times now--that 3,600 "views" does NOT mean that 3,600 people read my blog that day--or any other day for that matter.

Is there a blog anywhere in this world that gets 3,600 views on one day?

Actually I went back and looked and that day, 2.4 viewed my blog post and no one commented.  None of my readers, except my cousin, even knew Jennifer!

She just refuses to listen to me.  She may be a high- fa looting attorney, but she sure doesn't know a damn thing about blogs--or what the numbers mean.  Personally?  I have never seen the numbers and don't even know where to find them.  So, I don't know what they mean either.  HAH.

Anyway, Jen is really mad and told me that all the women in my lunch group have been smiling to my face and gossiping behind my back for years.  That may be the truth.  I don't know and really don't care and really--could not care less if I ever attended another of their lunches.

Karen pipes in and says if I want to blame someone, blame Mark.

I was told by both that they didn't want any more e-mails from me.  

No where in my e-mail to them did I blame anyone!   I don't think I sounded angry, and I especially did not make any sarcastic comments.  But then once again, in a written missive, you can't see the person's facial expressions or hear their voice inflection, so--I guess they read the words and that was their perception.  

So, once again, although their Dad was the "blabber", it somehow is my fault?  Or, I shouldn't feel embarrassed that everyone in the county knew before me?  Or it's none of my business what they do together?

Because I am always totally afraid that I might say something wrong, when they DO visit or tell me something, I sit very quietly and just nod or say "oh?"  I'm so afraid of stepping on those damn egg shells.  I ask permission before I post any photos that I may be in, with them.  I try not to post too much on FB of anything because I have been told, I post too much crap and it clogs up their FB pages. 

I feel like I am living under parental control again!

So, my relationship with them probably isn't going to get any better--at least not with Jen.  I finally did get a bit angry and told her that she had no right to talk to her mother like she talks to me!  

GEEZ oh Pete!  

I never disrespected my abusive father or my horrible step-mother.  Why can't she give me the same courtesy?  She can dislike me all she wants, but she doesn't need to call me names and write such mean things to me.

Anyway--it is what it is.  I think now you can see why I don't ever ask them for help?

Just put me in a damn home and forget about me.  NO--I would never tell them that, but often, that's the way I feel.
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BUT--I have learned a lesson here--NEVER express my feelings, when I am sad, frustrated, tired--at the end of an emotionally charged day. 

Really--I think it wise, never to express my feelings at all to any of them.  Just smile and nod. 

I should have taken an Ativan and gone to bed!

Geez oh Pete!

16 comments:

  1. Man, Judy, I feel so badly for you! It does seem like the rift with you and Jen is getting wider with each blow up. When I started reading the part where you were telling about your school days pals knowing about Mark since July, my mouth literally hung open. I would have been embarrassed too. And hurt. BUT I hope you soften your views about seeing them again. Remember to consider the source (Jen who was trying to hurt you) and understand that they very well may NOT have been gossiping and talking behind your back like she said. Either way, she was mean-spirited to tell you that and the telling cut you exactly as deep as she wanted to do. So don't let her poison those relationships with HER gossip!

    Is it possible that Jen could have known your password to your old blog? That's the only way she could have seen your page views, since you don't have that feature turned on for public display the way I do on my blog. Turned off, you can only see it on your private dashboard. As for you posting "too much crap" on Facebook, that's really THEIR problem if they don't like it. All they have to do to not see it is turn off your daily feed, for crying out loud! Walk on egg shells if you want but don't blame yourself for creating those egg shells!

    Was Pam at this little kick-Judi party? Some how I can't see her taking part. You and Karen seemed to be getting closer and I feel so badly that this happened to slow that down. If there is a lesson to learn here, it's that if you have anything important to say, don't do it in an email where they can't hear your tone and see your facial expressions.

    Hope after a good night sleep you feel a little better. Maybe an apology will come from what sounds like over-reacting to you're wanting to express your loneliness and feelings of being left out, which, by the way, is a perfectly reasonable thing to want to do.


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    1. Oops, I spelled your name wrong. JudY. Sorry.

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    2. On my old blog, those numbers may have been openly visible. I have been way more careful with this blog. There is absolutely no way anyone can search and find this blog, either by name of my name. I even requested Blog Lovin to keep it off their site--took some doing, but they finally agreed. To me, the real point of it is, after I explained it, in minute detail to Jennifer, she should have accepted my explanation. NO--Pam nor my sister replied. They wouldn't because they know, I had to rant and now it's over. They would call or talk to me in person about my feelings anyway.

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  2. ooooooh how sad to read this and i don't really know what to say. maybe saying that is all i can say. i had a similar situation on facebook and have decided not to use mine, for now. i was made fun of because i portrayed my life to be perfect. i wrote a post on my blog "keeping it real" i'm not sure if you read it, but it talks about similar problems although i do not have any problems with my children, not yet anyway. they still like me but i am only 57. how difficult it must have been to open your heart to your children and for them to react the way they did. i hope this entry does not get you in more trouble. and shame on your friends, you need new ones, real friends...it's all very sad!!!!!

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    1. Debbie, I just looked up your post about keeping it real. Some people (like you) are "half full glasses of water" types. That IS keeping it real for you not to dwell on the negatives in life. Don't ever let anyone make you feel guilty for that. It's a wonderful quality to have.

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    2. Yes, Debi, I read your post. How rude and crude for someone to suggest you are too positive about life. Social media may be the down fall of all of us.

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  3. Oh Judy, I'm sorry that your kids treat you like that! Like you said, they should treat you with respect whether they are happy with you or not. Sounds like Jennifer has some very deep seated resentments towards you that she'll never get over without professional help! I'm glad you at least told them how you feel.

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  4. Well, crap. I honestly thought Karen, at least, (and of course Pam & your sister) would NEVER have told you "no more emails". I agree with Jeanette that Jennifer must have some deep seeded resentment; however, it doesn't appear she knows else she would have gotten help before now.

    As for friends, I really got my feelings hurt by an old classmate last year. I knew that he & his wife have rental properties, so at one of the lunches I quietly asked if they had any for rent then. The conversation turned to me telling them, and asking please not to repeat that my house was going into foreclosure. A month later and a day after the next lunch that I didn't go to, I had a precious classmate, Helen, sent me an email saying how sorry she was about my home. DAMMIT! I haven't been back, not that I'm embarrassed so much as angry. I know we're supposed to forgive and forget, but truthfully I have no respect for that couple who told my business, and another couple (the man especially) thinks and have always thought the world revolves around them. An example: One reunion the arrogant man said to me: "I can't believe Bonnie didn't come to this reunion just because her brother had died." WHAT? I could hardly hold my tongue, and then he went on to say that his own brother had died a couple of weeks before the reunion, but that didn't stop him from coming the reunion because "my brother didn't amount to much anyway".

    I'm sorry, Judy, I didn't mean to go and on but your lunch group? This makes me wonder how good those friends are. I'm glad you have Beth though! And, I'm glad I have Helen.

    Try - TRY not to let those kids of yours upset you. I know it's not easy because of the blatant disrespect. That's a hard pill to swallow. Love them anyway. The worst I would think is not being able to see your grandchildren. It makes me very sad for you.

    I love you.
    xoxo

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  5. Judy, I am so sorry. Our kids may be adults but they can sure act bratty. We do the best we can with them. I do agree with Jean R. on what she said about your girlfriends. They may not having been gossiping behind your back. I hope you are feeling better today.VickieOkc

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  6. My heart goes out to you / hope it gets better.

    The thing is with blogs, Facebook, social media etc...that maybe sometimes we'd be better off writing things down in cursive, in an old fashioned diary, like in the old days. For no one to see but ourselves. Maybe the old way was better and we've just forgotten it! :)

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  7. My heart goes out to you / hope it gets better.

    The thing is with blogs, Facebook, social media etc...that maybe sometimes we'd be better off writing things down in cursive, in an old fashioned diary, like in the old days. For no one to see but ourselves. Maybe the old way was better and we've just forgotten it! :)

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  8. Write it down in a paper journal? I agree! Then burn the journal(s) before we die. LOL

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  9. I am gagging at Jennifer's cutting response when you opened your heart and said (or wrote) how hurt you feel by them alienating you. Jeepers. You called a spade a spade and spoke the truth! Evidently you stirred up a hornet's nest in her. Oh, Judy. The contrast between Chris and Fred and Jennifer and Mark couldn't be starker. They are nuts to not love you.

    I would miss you if you merely wrote all this down in a journal that never saw the light of day. Please don't isolate yourself. I for one am a better person for knowing you.

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  10. This is so sad. I walk on eggshells around my only son and DIL. My only son, with whom I always had a close relationship (and die, too, so I thought), talked down to e as one would not talk to the lowest employee he has. When tears tolled down my cheeks, he said, "Oh, now you're gonna cry? I haven't said anything untrue!"
    (2 or 3 things my dil had her feelings hurt about (jut nothings!), and you'd be amazed at what she'd apparently harped on to him until he was tired of hearing her) So I was the scapegoat, ambushed when we visited them (their request! ) at Christmas. She was at her Mother's that day, and he got a chance to let me have it. So, when dil got home, I went and told her I was sorry she'd been hurt by anything I'd said or done, that I loved her, and never wanted to hurt any of them. She shrugged and said, "we'll forget it" and gave me a cool hug.
    It was only for my grandchildren I stayed when hubby asked if I wanted to pack and go right back home. I only cried at night after that in my bed,,p ut on a smile around them all, and walked on the eggshells I still walk on today. My heart is broken, but my daughter died suddenly 17 years ago. I can't bear the thought of being estranged from my only son ad his family. My husband said I shouldn't "kowtow" to them... but I have to try and 'please' them. It feels fake, but they (she) could even turn my grandkids against me. I won't risk that.
    It's amazing how you can bend over backwards to still please a son you bent over backwards to raise right, to see he ot grants and scholarships to go to college we could nay help a little with,, washed tons of laundry for, cooked special meals for, loved dearly, waited or him alone to get back from late high school sports events, etc. Slept by him very night 6 weeks after he broke his jaw in a wreck at 16.So much more! How quickly they forget, when he's got more education I made sure he got, I got none but I'm getting one from them now! We sacrificed or him.... only to be talked like a servant!
    So I kind of know how you feel when you're walking the eggshell floors of your kids,, when you only showed respect for your own parents, no matter what they did!! I did w/ my two alcoholic parents! Tears are rolling as I write this! Amazing how the kids we dried the tears of, can't see how ---or don't care --how we hurt, how much we cry huh! :( Walking on glass!

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  11. Judy,
    I'm so sorry for the treatment and responses you got from your girls and Mark. You know how I feel about you, and I wish I lived closer to be a better in-real-life friend. I'm still praying for your kids to realize what a special person they have for a mom. Take care of you!. Love ya!
    M

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