title explained

Onward and upward! something that you say in order to encourage someone to forget an unpleasant experience or failure and to think about the future instead and move forward.

My e-mail: jjmiller6213@comcast.net

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Satisfying Saturday

The high temperature today was:  85 degrees--it is now 71
The humidity today was:  71%--it is now 40
Hot and humid gone for awhile at least.
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My "friend" Ernestine, always has the best quotes and thoughts on her blog.  Today she posted beautiful pictures of her flowers and a gorgeous Yellow Swallow Tail butterfly.  She mentioned how she has learned to live these words, "accept and do not expect."  How true those words--especially as we grow older.  Either they come to live with us, or we keep ramming our heads against the brick wall.

I thought of how I learned many years ago not to expect anything--especially from people.  Lo and behold, it made my life much easier.  With no expectations, there are no disappointments.  With no expectations-- along comes acceptance.  It is amazing.  My best friend, Arlene, lived this way most of her life.  She kept telling us--"If I can't put my two hands around it and fix it--I don't worry about it."  When she found out she had terminal ovarian cancer--she went on with her life--taking the horrid treatments, still happy and laughing, never a complaint--NEVER!  Then her husband died and she accepted that also and went on, smiling and happy.  Every one of us that knew her, just marveled at how she lived.  Total acceptance.  Not one niggle of "why me."
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I suppose "Let go and let God," is another example?  However, it has taken a long time for me to learn acceptance!!  There seems to be that little thing in your head that says, "why doesn't ANYTHING in my life turn out like it should?"  Wah.  Wah.

Really difficult, when it concerns people--family members. friends--and how they sometimes don't do things we expect from them.  Things they should not do, or acts of omission.  But, what else is there?  When I found out I didn't inherit the 1/3 of my father's liquid assets, the ones he told my sister and I we would get--the one's our step-mother basically stole from us?  I just about went nuts.  I couldn't sleep.  I could barely exist during the day--it was all that was on my mind AND the anger in me.  Lordy--I wanted to push that woman down a long flight of concrete stairs--I ranted and railed about how stupid my father was about money matters and thus, allowed himself to be taken advantage of--I was a mess.  Then one night, sitting out on the porch, five months later, not only did acceptance come to me, but forgiveness of EVERYTHING my father had ever inflicted on me and my life.

When it came to men--so many years of expectations--so many years of hurt.  Then I was done with them all and---Fred came along.  I didn't even want to date him.  I didn't expect one damn thing from him--I just accepted him for what he was, warts and all and BAM--fell in love like never before.  Perhaps that is why we never had even one tiny argument in our seven years?

Of course, with death--you either learn acceptance or you WILL go crazy!  It still amazes me, when I remember back to that day and how I drove all the way home and was smiling.  How weird is that?  But in my heart and soul, I was just so grateful for the fact that I had found true love, for the first time in my life, and what a wonderful seven years we had--I just couldn't quit smiling.  Yes--it was all gone.  BUT I HAD, HAD IT--and I never expected I would!  I am still grateful and every time I think of my Freddy, I smile.

I am even more surprised at myself concerning the Little House On The Corner.  Five-six years ago I wouldn't have reacted like I have this time.  I would have been sleepless night after night, obsessing about how I could get that house!  I would whine to family and friends of how I cannot get that house!  After all--it is a dream of mine to live my last years at "home".  I would have begged God each day--several times a day to "give me that house!"

But this time--I "checked it out" and realized that it is not to be.  I won't argue with them to lower the rent.  I will not point out things that they need to fix to make it more livable.  Actually--I don't really care, LOL.

Sure I went--twice--and took pictures AND made a floor plan AND laid out how my furniture would go, but--that was just for fun.  I don't really care.

How amazing is that for one, such as me, who is obsessive by nature?  How amazing is it to wake up every morning and say, "I have everything I need and want.  I lack for nothing."

It may be an age thing.  To wake up in the morning, get out of bed, stand for a moment and realize that there is no SEVERE pain (because there will always be SOME pain), and be so happy, just because of that.

How wonderful it is to be really thrilled to realize that all family members are in good health and happy.  That, for the first time in quite a few years, no one I know has a deadly disease and is going to die.

I expect nothing, from anyone.  The cable guy says he will be here somewhere between noon and three--he arrives at four.  Oh well.  The roofer says the job will be done in two days and it takes three.  Oh well.  The lady at the grave marker place says, the markers will be done and in place in 8 - 10 weeks and it's now 14 weeks and they aren't in place.  Oh well.

I expect nothing from life either.  I woke up this morning, in hardly any pain.  I am healthy, for the moment anyway.  I WILL get sick at sometime and I will die.  Oh well--that is the way life is.

Like I said before--acceptance is the hardest thing I have learned.  That might be an age related thing too--as I have learned, over the years, as Arlene said, there is very little I can control.  My head has so many scars from the brick walls--it feels a lot better to look at the wall and say, "Piss on ya!"

Is that resignation?  I don't think so--maybe.  There are a lot of cranky, angry old people out there. Apparently they are still in the "poor me" stage of life.  Maybe senility is a blessing?  You can't remember all the bad things?  All the supposed injustices done to you?

The last time Jen got angry with me and said she didn't want to communicate with me, I kept sending her e-mails, trying to explain myself.  Going back over our 41 year history--blah, blah, blah.

This time, when I got her e-mail stating her many things I am not allowed to do--I just wrote back and apologized for anything I had done to upset her.  Sure--I was upset.  Sure---I was angry.  Sure----I cried for days and days, but...............................

Now I just pray each day that God will bring reconciliation to us and go on, smiling and happy and with acceptance of how it is.  What else is there to do?

Even now--when a severe thunder storm is predicted--I don't get as scared as I use to--even less scared then I was this spring.  Yesterday, we had storms roll through.  Lots of lightning and thunder.  Did I get all shaking and take an Ativan?  No--I put in my ear plugs and sat down and read.  When the rain came down in slanting sheets and the wind blew--did I get scared?  Nope.  I was so thankful for that storm and wind because, it was driving the heat and humidity toward the east.  Did I obsess about where I would run if the tornado siren up the road went off?  Nope--ho-hum, I went to bed at midnight and slept until 9:00 this morning.!  Such progress, even in the last few months--amazes me when I think of it.

I even feel I can give up being "teacher to the world"  If Pearl wants to called Black-Eyed-Susan's, Rebecca instead of Rudbeckia--I no longer will correct her--even if it makes my throat close up.  If Dar comes over here with her stupid nonsense--I will just let her go on believing it.  It makes no difference in the over all scheme of things.  Anyway--I can post it all here and let it out, LOL!!!

Thank you, Ernestine, for your post I read this morning.  You put me into a thought process that has made me very content and happy today.  Those thoughts made me realize that I have come "a long way Baby."

Ah-hh.  It is as it is!

          

8 comments:

  1. You are inspiring me to try. It's so hard for me right now. The last couple years of my life have been perfect. Daily I'd be struck by how perfect everything was and then suddenly, through no fault of our own, it's all going to come crashing down. There is NOTHING we can do. It's out of our hands and I am SO ANGRY. I can't be proactive because I'm spinning my tires in angry mud. I will try though. I will try to let it go...

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  2. I am so glad you had Fred in your life. It would have been such a tragedy to have lived without ever finding true love. Smiling at the memories seems like fitting way to honor him.

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  3. You said what I tell myself all of the time whenever I get frustrated with someone or something. How important is that in the overall scheme of things! I'm still in the learning process, unfortunately. Life can be so much more peaceful when you feel like you do. Thanks for the inspiration, my friend!
    .

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  4. Judy, thank you.
    Yes, me too - has come a long way
    but still a long way to go.
    When I expect
    seems like I am disappointed
    Children great
    but
    will not go into that.
    Now special friend next door
    and not many in this move back to the country
    is selling her home. Has bought a condo on her
    just returned from trip to 50 year reunion in Rhode Island.
    So I have many thoughts
    she is the same age as this one
    and I love it here
    but isolated.
    Maybe better to be isolated in the country
    then in the city.
    Do not have it figured out as of yet
    but I have to have nature near by...
    Enough shared
    have a good day
    my current went off for over 3 hours last night
    with a very little sprinkling of rain and not
    my energetic self this morning...

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  5. Judy,
    I, too, am always so grateful for Ernestine's wisdom. We have a lovely little network of encouragement here.
    Acceptance is truly the only place I can find relief from me, myself and I......as I find myself reverting to trying to fix too many things. Like you, I notice that acceptance works in every area of my life. Even to the point on Friday when I woke feeling so so stressed from the heat that I was sick. I just accepted my body's message that it needed relief and rest. That day at home (to which I am well entitled) helped me to better face the continued heat wave. The storms came to other areas last night but didn't clear out the Cape. The water is so warm around us right now that they nullified the storms when they got near our area. Oh well. I will just accept it today and as your wise Arlene did, face it and go forward with a smile.
    Thanks for this beautiful post. You are so wise.

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  6. Very, very true that if we expect certain things that don't happen, we just have to accept it. I've learned also not to expect, and accept. I don't know if it's an age thing, Judy, but it's so much a better way of every day life.

    Great post.

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  7. Wonderful post, Judy. Acceptance is still hard for me. It takes me awhile to come to it, but once I do, I always feel better.

    Love your friend's words. So wise.
    "If I can't put my two hands around it and fix it--I don't worry about it."
    Bella

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  8. Fantastic!! You are just a delight. I really hope we could meet someday. I think we'd get along so well. Blessings to you!

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