title explained

Onward and upward! something that you say in order to encourage someone to forget an unpleasant experience or failure and to think about the future instead and move forward.

My e-mail: jjmiller6213@comcast.net

Monday, December 30, 2013

Here We Go Again

Today's high temperature: 41 degrees
Sunny
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On day #7, Pammie, Mark and my Byron friends, got their power back on.  Pammie and Mark lost all the food in their freezers and refrigerators.  Mark had just purchased 1/4 of a butchered steer--Pammie had also just stocked her refrigerator.  Home Owners insurance might pay, but they each have a $1,000 deductible.  The power company is offering a $25.00 rebate on their light bill.  Just go back to trimming the damn trees around the wires every few years, like they used to, and they wouldn't have this problem.
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I got Christmas out of here today--8  hours of cleaning and putting away.  Freshened up my drapes in the dryer with a dryer sheet on "air", dusted and polished, washed windows inside.  It sure seems dark without the Christmas tree lights and no outside lights on anymore.  I am going into hibernation now!!
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I am fast approaching the 2nd anniversary of Fred's "transition" from here to there.  It's weird.  I feel like I have been alone for years and years.  Sometimes, I wonder if we really had seven years together or if I just imagined all of it.

The first year, actually, to me wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  The first few weeks I was in a state of shock.  I did everything by rote--instinct.  I smiled and I smiled and I comforted people and I told everyone how grateful I was for knowing him.

The next couple of months, I was in the fog--the anesthesized brain.  I acted quite normal, to the outside world.  I drove places, I attended family functions, but when I got home, I couldn't remember driving there and back.  I knew I had talked to people, but I couldn't quite remember who or what was said.  Unless, I said or did something really irrational or outrageous--I remembered that and wondered why I had said or done it..so out of character.  Sleep walking through life.

Then, there were things that had to be taken care of.  His bathroom shelf had to be cleared.  His toothbrush, his Old Spice, his special shampoo, his razor.  Closets to be cleaned out, the storage unit and shed to be cleared out, things to give away.

Along about nine months into the journey, I felt like I was doing quite well.  Oh--at times I still said and did irrational things--like ordering Forever Comfy cushions on line, at three A.M.--and at times I thought I was losing my mind or had a brain tumor or something.  Irrational thoughts would come into my mind. But all-in-all, I was doing pretty good.

Just as I was starting to cruise along, getting through all the "firsts" alone--the birthdays, the anniversary, the holidays, in a pretty good state.  Then comes the 1st anniversary of THE DAY!  

BAM--I put myself in a giant hole by reading my journals of our seven years together, looking at vacation photos, watching the video they played at his funeral.  I thought it would be good for me--it would be closure--HAH--it set me back for weeks.
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I had heard that the second year is even harder and I wondered how that could be--impossible, but in truth, it has been.

The 2nd year brought reality.  

Fred was not in the hospital, getting better and waiting to come home.  He was not up at the Wal-Mart, buying groceries and would be walking in the front door any minute. He wouldn't be here to tell me when I had an inch long black hair growing out of my neck.  No thumb to hold at night.  No sweet words of how much he loved me.  No hugs and no kisses. 

Reality bites big time!!!

No one spoke his name--it was like he never existed.  I had forgotten how his voice and laugh sounded--how he smelled.  There was no trace of him--anywhere. 

He was gone.  

Forever.  

Never to be seen again.

The Grief Share meetings may have been helpful, but I was so busy thinking about their "pre-determination" theory that I totally do not believe in, that I may have missed the real reason I was there.

Reality is a big slap in the face.  

Then the financial crises.  The problems and no one to talk to about them.  The problem with Jen and I never would have happened if Fred were here. 

I went a little nuts again.  Knew for sure that I had a severe mental problem.  The panic attacks, the heart palpitations--that sent me to the ER.  

"We can find nothing wrong."

"Nothing wrong?  Then why is my heart beating at 127 beats a minute?"

The loneliness seemed to get worse--an icy, cold feeling deep inside.  An actual physical feeling of coldness in my stomach--or could it be a cancer growing?  An aneurysm on my aortic artery that runs down my center?

I never worried or even rarely thought of dying--before Fred died.  Now I wondered all the time.  Would I die in the middle of the night and no one find me for days? Would I die while I was driving?  Fall over in the middle of the Wal-Mart?  Drop dead in church?

Many times I wanted to die.  Just sit down in my recliner, put my feet up, close my eyes and "transition" outta here.  Maybe it IS true--that we will see our loved ones again.  I was tired.  Tired of having to do it all.  Tired of no one to talk to that understood.  Just plain tired.

Such deep seated fear gripped me--the fear of needing help and being all alone was the worse. The internal shaking that came at odd times of the day.  The dreams that woke me, screaming and kicking, in the middle of the night.

What if....someone tried to break in at night? What if...the severe thunderstorm made the tree fall on the trailer?  What if the cat got sick and he is too heavy for me to carry out to the car and the vet?  What if the hot water heater sprung a leak and flooded the place. What if a fire started in the middle of the night. 

It's enough to drive a person crazy--all the what if's.

Yeah--the second year has been worse. Especially this New Year's Day--the 2nd anniversary, made worse because Fred and I always watched football bowl games all day and THIS YEAR, Michigan State is playing in the Rose Bowl.  Fred would be so proud and so excited about that.  There would be cheering from both of us, groans at an interception.  We would have our usual platter of New Year's Day snacks--sliced Hickory Stick, some really good Wisconsin cheese, Breton Sesame crackers and some nice sweet Gherkins, he with his Coke, me with my Diet Pepsi, sitting on the table between our chairs.

Dammit!!! 

Life isn't fair--most of the time!



     

12 comments:

  1. Judy, so much of what you've written about your widow's journey rings true for me, too. I don't think we're crazy for playing the 'what if' game or for the panic attacks or for operating on autopilot while going through the motions of trying to live a "normal" life again. But nothing stops the loneliness of widowhood from really sinks in during that second year.

    I, too, couldn't understand how the second year could be harder but now that I'm near the end of mine, I get it. The feeling of Don's presence around me is gone. I tell myself that's a good thing, that his spirit left because he knows I'm strong enough to do this on my own. I never used to believe in spirits hanging around earth, but this second year out made me believe that all things are possible. Some where out there, I choose to believe, that Fred and Don are having a great time getting to know each other while they are waiting for us.

    You will be in my thoughts on New Years Day.

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  2. Sending love and best wishes... Jx

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  3. Judy, you put these last two years into words that take us right along with you as you have traveled this road of loss and grief. It is amazing how our perception changes with the stages of grief and I sure will be cheering for MS on New Year's Day.
    Sending you hugs and support to carry you over this time, my friend.
    BTW, the children loved your books.

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  4. I'm sorry that you have to face this time again and again. Life isn't fair, and it stinks a good bit of the time. But I'm so thankful that I started reading your blog and could read your words while Fred was still with you. Each day is an opportunity to make an impact on someone, and your words do impact me.
    Enjoy cheering on your Spartans - I may even don some Green and cheer along with you - even in Boiler country!

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    1. I would cheer for Purdue if they were playing in a bowl game. We Big Ten (or is it 12, 13,or 14 now) have to stick together.

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  5. Thinking of you at sad times....wish it could have been different for you. I went through much the same thing, when my 1st husband died....so I know a little about how you have felt. It's hard to imagine, but it does get better. Baby steps...that's what it takes.
    Hugs, Balisha

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  6. I sure find myself relating to so much you said in your post.. My grand babe slept over and i pulled out one of marks t shirts for him to wear and he said it smelled like papa.. I havent gotten rid or moved a thing his cowboy hat still hangs by the door.. I agree the 2 nd year is so much more reality!

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  7. I always learn from you, Judy, because you are so honest. I hope your third year is more peaceful. It's been quite a transition, but thankfully you're still here, and sharing your experience. I am glad for that. Life is not fair, that's for sure. I've said it so many times I actually have a mug that says it now. May 2014 bring you peace, good health and love. Happy New Year, Judy.

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  8. I am so sorry Judy,,, I can only imagine your feelings,,, and even though mine was an ass hole most the time and I did walk away,, I STILL get soem of those feelings BUT he is still around to drive me nuts thinking how things shoudl NOT be this way for me now at MY age. The life SHOULD BE's hit me and I fall into a pit of hell,, but then I pull up my big girl panties and say screw this I AM A SURVIVOR AND I CAN DO THIS,,,,,, I know it is different for you and know that I think of you often, Finely finding that ONE and then loosing him. sad thought,,,, HUGS

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  9. I'm catching up in my reading. First your cross stitch is amazing, you've done such a good job on it!

    I'm hoping the third year is easier than this last one. You had some major disappointments to deal with on top of continuing to cope with the loss of Fred.

    Happy New Year

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  10. I am also catching up on reading ... so much identification! You've written my heart!

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