Here We Go Again

Today's high temperature: 41 degrees

Sunny

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On day #7, Pammie, Mark and my Byron friends, got their power back on.  Pammie and Mark lost all the food in their freezers and refrigerators.  Mark had just purchased 1/4 of a butchered steer--Pammie had also just stocked her refrigerator.  Home Owners insurance might pay, but they each have a $1,000 deductible.  The power company is offering a $25.00 rebate on their light bill.  Just go back to trimming the damn trees around the wires every few years, like they used to, and they wouldn't have this problem.

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I got Christmas out of here today--8  hours of cleaning and putting away.  Freshened up my drapes in the dryer with a dryer sheet on "air", dusted and polished, washed windows inside.  It sure seems dark without the Christmas tree lights and no outside lights on anymore.  I am going into hibernation now!!

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I am fast approaching the 2nd anniversary of Fred's "transition" from here to there.  It's weird.  I feel like I have been alone for years and years.  Sometimes, I wonder if we really had seven years together or if I just imagined all of it.

The first year, actually, to me wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  The first few weeks I was in a state of shock.  I did everything by rote--instinct.  I smiled and I smiled and I comforted people and I told everyone how grateful I was for knowing him.

The next couple of months, I was in the fog--the anesthesized brain.  I acted quite normal, to the outside world.  I drove places, I attended family functions, but when I got home, I couldn't remember driving there and back.  I knew I had talked to people, but I couldn't quite remember who or what was said.  Unless, I said or did something really irrational or outrageous--I remembered that and wondered why I had said or done it..so out of character.  Sleep walking through life.

Then, there were things that had to be taken care of.  His bathroom shelf had to be cleared.  His toothbrush, his Old Spice, his special shampoo, his razor.  Closets to be cleaned out, the storage unit and shed to be cleared out, things to give away.

Along about nine months into the journey, I felt like I was doing quite well.  Oh--at times I still said and did irrational things--like ordering Forever Comfy cushions on line, at three A.M.--and at times I thought I was losing my mind or had a brain tumor or something.  Irrational thoughts would come into my mind. But all-in-all, I was doing pretty good.

Just as I was starting to cruise along, getting through all the "firsts" alone--the birthdays, the anniversary, the holidays, in a pretty good state.  Then comes the 1st anniversary of THE DAY!  

BAM--I put myself in a giant hole by reading my journals of our seven years together, looking at vacation photos, watching the video they played at his funeral.  I thought it would be good for me--it would be closure--HAH--it set me back for weeks.
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I had heard that the second year is even harder and I wondered how that could be--impossible, but in truth, it has been.

The 2nd year brought reality.  

Fred was not in the hospital, getting better and waiting to come home.  He was not up at the Wal-Mart, buying groceries and would be walking in the front door any minute. He wouldn't be here to tell me when I had an inch long black hair growing out of my neck.  No thumb to hold at night.  No sweet words of how much he loved me.  No hugs and no kisses. 

Reality bites big time!!!

No one spoke his name--it was like he never existed.  I had forgotten how his voice and laugh sounded--how he smelled.  There was no trace of him--anywhere. 

He was gone.  

Forever.  

Never to be seen again.

The Grief Share meetings may have been helpful, but I was so busy thinking about their "pre-determination" theory that I totally do not believe in, that I may have missed the real reason I was there.

Reality is a big slap in the face.  

Then the financial crises.  The problems and no one to talk to about them.  The problem with Jen and I never would have happened if Fred were here. 

I went a little nuts again.  Knew for sure that I had a severe mental problem.  The panic attacks, the heart palpitations--that sent me to the ER.  

"We can find nothing wrong."

"Nothing wrong?  Then why is my heart beating at 127 beats a minute?"

The loneliness seemed to get worse--an icy, cold feeling deep inside.  An actual physical feeling of coldness in my stomach--or could it be a cancer growing?  An aneurysm on my aortic artery that runs down my center?

I never worried or even rarely thought of dying--before Fred died.  Now I wondered all the time.  Would I die in the middle of the night and no one find me for days? Would I die while I was driving?  Fall over in the middle of the Wal-Mart?  Drop dead in church?

Many times I wanted to die.  Just sit down in my recliner, put my feet up, close my eyes and "transition" outta here.  Maybe it IS true--that we will see our loved ones again.  I was tired.  Tired of having to do it all.  Tired of no one to talk to that understood.  Just plain tired.

Such deep seated fear gripped me--the fear of needing help and being all alone was the worse. The internal shaking that came at odd times of the day.  The dreams that woke me, screaming and kicking, in the middle of the night.

What if....someone tried to break in at night? What if...the severe thunderstorm made the tree fall on the trailer?  What if the cat got sick and he is too heavy for me to carry out to the car and the vet?  What if the hot water heater sprung a leak and flooded the place. What if a fire started in the middle of the night. 

It's enough to drive a person crazy--all the what if's.

Yeah--the second year has been worse. Especially this New Year's Day--the 2nd anniversary, made worse because Fred and I always watched football bowl games all day and THIS YEAR, Michigan State is playing in the Rose Bowl.  Fred would be so proud and so excited about that.  There would be cheering from both of us, groans at an interception.  We would have our usual platter of New Year's Day snacks--sliced Hickory Stick, some really good Wisconsin cheese, Breton Sesame crackers and some nice sweet Gherkins, he with his Coke, me with my Diet Pepsi, sitting on the table between our chairs.

Dammit!!! 

Life isn't fair--most of the time!