Thank Goodness For the "Delete" Button!!!

Today's high temperature was: 77 degrees

Today's humidity was:  36%

Sunny, a nice freshening breeze from the north-east

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I wish I had a delete button for some of my daily issues :-)  

I am a bit pissed off right now--sorry for the crude language, but it's the only "nice" word I can think of.  I saw a link on my Face Book page about "Gospel Prosperity" preachers like Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyers.  While I have watched and liked them both at times in my life, I do not always agree with their thinking.  So I shared the link and stated how I felt.  A friend of mine, commented that she agreed and why.  Then this other "person" on my friends list came in with a comment that the first comment meant, "You mean we can do anything we damn well please and we will get into Heaven?"  Now, the first comment and my comment didn't say that, didn't infer that.  I have no idea what the second woman was saying, but I know her and I know--it matters not what I post on Face Book--if it is the least thought provoking, the second woman will blast me, or get into arguments with my other friends that post positive comments.

She also commented that "with that kind of thinking, no wonder you right-wingers are all nuts."   What?

I don't know why I just don't block her from seeing any of my posts--I've blocked me from seeing hers on my page, because they are so negative, ugly, wanting to start a fight.  No matter what you might say back, if you disagree in the least, she will nail you to the wall with her venom.  Some of you that are on Face Book have seen some of her comments to me, so you know who I am referring too.  

I have only met and talked with her twice in my life.  Somehow these people get on our friends list.  Friends?  People we don't know--some we haven't met and yet they are friends?  

Before the last election she got on me big time when I inferred I wasn't going to vote for Mr. Obama.  I didn't say I was going to vote for Mr. Romney either, because I wasn't really planning on voting for either one.  Man alive!!  She jumped on that comment and told me, "All this time I thought you were an intelligent woman.  It breaks my heart to realize how stupid you've become.  Why would you vote for someone who is going to take away women's right?  Repeal Social Security and Medicare?  How could you be that ignorant?  I thought you were Pro-Choice!"

Well--her comment hurt deeply as I had never said any of that, nor had I inferred it.  I didn't respond right away, but later, went back and said, "I didn't say I was voting for someone who would take anything away from anyone.  You have inferred that I am not Pro-Choice!  I am pro-choice!  and my choice is...not to vote for Mr. Obama!"

I should have blocked her right then, but I didn't want to appear as petty as she is.  So--today, after seeing as how she was trying to bait my first friend into a theological/political argument--I just deleted the link, the post, and the comments!  Gone!  Off into the ether where no one can see it.  Then I private messaged my first friend to tell her what I had done because....I sure didn't want HER to have to endure what I knew was ahead of her from the second woman!  She is very good at baiting people--trying to argue--trying to get you to slip up--so she can come down on you with both feet.  I will NOT play that game with her!!!!

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So--today I went to see the PsychiATRIST.  The MD.  The PhD.  He was actually very nice.  I was precise in telling him why I was there--that I couldn't get the correct drugs from my primary care guy until I had a diagnosis from him.  Of course, I handed him my HUGE list of all the diagnoses and drugs I have taken over the last 40+ years and why they did not work.  He actually thought the list was great.  "Don't you think that is obsessive to work on a list like that?"  I asked.  "A bit," he said.  

Of course, he didn't give me a diagnosis--do they ever?  I want a nice tidy diagnosis of what is wrong with my head, so I can become obsessive and research it to death.  Oh no--not that simple.  We have to "discuss" the whys and wherefores and the years of what I had gone through.  No. No.  Here is all you need to know--just give me a diagnosis and prescribe something you think will help these weird thoughts/feelings/reactions I am going through.

After an hour, he gave me a few tests--like him giving me a list of numbers that I had to repeat back to him.  And three words, Purple, Tree, Honest--that half an hour later, he asked me to repeat.  I suppose he was checking for Alzheimer's?  In the middle of one of his numbers list--he asked a question and I answered.  Then he asked me to repeat the 7 numbers back to him and I did.  He said that my memory was outstanding and that my I.Q. was very high.  "Huh?"

He said, "by this list of yours, it seems you have been told you have every mental illness except Schizophrenia."  

I said, "Well, I sometimes wonder about that, but I'm not paranoid.  I don't think the NSA or the FBI are spying on me and, if they are, I don't care...so I guess I'm okay."

He said, "You do seem sort of hyper today."

"Yes--I know.  I have been talking fast and furious because I am trying to go over 74 years of my life history in the fifty minutes I am allotted!"

"You are confusing, that's for sure."  (Whatever that meant.)

I didn't get to really tell him of the way I am feeling NOW.  The irrational thoughts and actions.    He asked me if all this planning of my death and funeral was really about ME or was it about making things easier for my family.  "Have you ever really thought about taking care of you and not everyone else?"

Well, hell no!  I was a daughter, then a wife and then a mother, then an employee, a care giver and a grandmother.  When did I ever think about what I wanted?  It's just not my nature.  

Of course, now all those things I WAS--are gone away, so...perhaps this is the reason for my mental turmoil?  (I thought of this after I got in the car).  I sure hope he doesn't try and make me come up with what I want because---I haven't a clue!  I don't want anything!!  and please...don't make me go to the Senior Center...or a bus trip...or go out each week to eat in a restaurant all alone.  No. No.  

I do not want to socialize--especially with people I don't know.  I would prefer more family time, but other then that, I vant to be alone!

He thinks I may have a death wish.  I told him "probably", but I wouldn't do anything active to bring it on.  I am not suicidal, but...I wouldn't mind if all of this was over with."  He frowned.  

So, 90 minutes later he said, "I think Risperdol will help.  The smallest amount---at bedtime.  Stay on the Celexa."

At least I got something and I go back in a month.  He also wants me to go back into talk therapy with Lynn--the one I went to for 3 months after Fred died--she is in the same building.  We shall see.  What a bore!!  I hate going over all this crap since childhood and how did it make me feel and why did I do that, and...and...  The hurt little girl never heals, okay? She is always there in my mind and soul.  Just give me a damn pill to straighten out my chemical imbalance or something.

Oh yes--and he wants me to keep writing to get my thoughts out.

You poor readers!!!
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I GOT THE POWER!!!

Bye Bye