Today's high temperature was: 73 degrees
Today's humidity was: 29%
Sunny and very nice
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I just realized this morning, that I am like one of those Pharaohs--watching as my tomb is being built. Having a say in life after my death. It seems that lately, I have been
Making sure the house is cleaned. Making sure things are thrown away. Making sure plastic storage boxes (no--I don't have cardboard boxes used for storage--that would be normal. I have the big plastic ones!) are organized with like items, labelled, stacked in order of importance.
Lists made, forms filled out and put in folders with marked tabs--a box enclosing smaller boxes with jewelry or coins inside for the grand kids, pictures, scrapbooks--all enclosed in a large plastic box with the word "FUNERAL" in permanent marker on the lid. Knick Knacks sitting around, with the person I want to have it, name on the bottom.
I think about it all the time. It's like a major event I have to plan to the nth degree!
I am not living!!! I am merely breathing while preparing for my death! GEEZ!!!
This morning I read Jean's blog post and she spoke on being relevant. Her husband had a stroke when they were still fairly young. Her relevancy then was to care for him. I liken it to her "career". He died, about two weeks after Fred did. Can you imagine the huge hole that was left in her life? All she had done for fifteen years, was gone. A quick, early, unwanted retirement from her career. Now, she is trying to find new relevancy in her life--and she has.
I have no relevancy--really, I don't. AND--I don't actively seek it.
I am so enamored with quietness, solitude, perfect silence most of the time. It has become very difficult for me to be around a group of people for more then two hours. There is too much talking, too much noise, too much activity--it tires me out. Having to go to the Senior Center, with all those people, all that "noise", to me, would be torture. Going on a bus trip with them, would be torture.
Even going to family functions, is very hard. There is so much noise and activity and movement all the time, every where. After a couple of hours, I just want to come home and be quiet.
I don't understand any of this. I use to be so involved in so many things-- a meeting or an activity every single day--well into my sixties. People counted on me. Every committee knew that I would be the one to plan the next event, take notes at all meetings, make the phone calls, head the different groups. When I worked at my last job, I was the one who planned the entire company picnic--the company Christmas party--for 300 people. I made the invitations, took the RSVP's, set up the time and place, planned the games, met each and every employee at the door, knew every one's name and their spouses names. Contacted every new employee and put out the bi-weekly newsletter for the entire company of over 600 employees--along with my regular duties. I LOVED IT!!!
When our class had their reunions, I was the one who typed up and mailed the invitations, contacted each classmate, scanned and copied every one's graduation picture to use as a "Hello, I am" badge. Got their most recent picture to go on a page with their life history, made up the books that everyone received at the reunion. I LOVED IT!!!
I WAS RELEVANT!!!
Now--I'm just a dud! Oh--I still love one-on-one conversations and visits, but I can't take one-on-many. Perhaps it is because I am getting hard of hearing and with all the different conversations going on, it is hard for me to keep up. Or, perhaps, in a group, I go to say something and someone else interrupts, or a different conversation starts up at the other end of the table?
I had a really funny, I thought, story to relate at our gal pals luncheon Thursday. I tried to tell it twice, but there was so much conversation going on at different parts of the table that I just stopped talking. When we were done with lunch, they all went for a ride on the pontoon boat and I used the excuse that I was afraid of water and boats (which I am) and was going to get on home. In reality--I was just so exhausted and I just wanted to get into my nice quiet car and drive a nice quiet drive, to my nice quiet house.
I am very weird lately. I don't feel like the person I used to be. I don't react like I use too. Sometimes, I don't even know who I am anymore. So--I close myself off and in doing so, I close myself off even farther--becoming even more old and eccentric. When I was in six grade, I wrote a story about a hermit who lived in a hut in the woods. I was very descriptive. It seems, that is my life now--except I have all my electronics to connect to the outside world. Maybe that is why I don't go out much anymore--the world comes to me. Ah yes--I remember in 1984, a class on computers--those new things, and how the instructor said that it wouldn't be good for people's social life because--we would quit going to the library, order our groceries delivered, talk to people through electronic mail instead of on the phone or face-to-face--we no longer would interact. I thought he was nuts--apparently he was very wise.
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Love my shiny green shoes, in the picture,however!
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On my 60th birthday, with all my kids, a couple of new sons, and 5 grand children. I would like another family picture taken. Maybe I could request that from my kids for my 75th birthday?
(Pammie's husband Allen behind her. I loved that boy!!!{still do}).
front: Helene, Pammie, Me, Madeleine, Karen, Susanna, Stephen in red shirt.
Back: Allen, Jennifer, my Mark, Karen's Mark and Marcus.
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Aha--I just figured it out.
Control!!
I have very little control in my life right now, but at least this one last thing, I can control. Not death itself, but the final presentation.
I have never heard anyone else express so clearly what I am feeling these days, as well. I o the same things and have been doing a lot of the same preparation. Also, I remember my father saying over and over how he no longer felt relevant or ha a purpose after my Mum died. He really went through a sad time with that, although he did seem to come out of it to some degree when he move to assisted living and had so much to do.
ReplyDeleteI, too, can no longer stand to be at functions very long, even with people I really love, and have been feeling selfish about it, but maybe it is just part of the aging process for some of us. Meanwhile, I find myself dragged in to situations that I cannot avoid and it exhausts me, too.
I do feel we are doing our families a great service by organizing things for the future. Sounds like you have just about finished with all you have to o. I still have more to go. I was where you are but becoming a quilter again created a whole new set of things to organize. LOL.
Back to watching Ms G spy on chipmunks. She is having a lot of fun this morning.
Happy Sunday.
Oh, my gosh! I went through the months of obsessing about my funeral and getting my house and papers in order, too! I have come to believe it comes with the territory of having lost someone close and facing our own mortality in a way we never did before---and love for those we leave behind, to save them some of the stress we just came through. I seem to have moved past that obsessed stage, once I had done all I could to make it easier for my family after I'm gone, but it's a restless and obsessed phase to get through as you well know.
ReplyDeleteI have not found relevance yet. I am looking and sometimes I think I'm on the right road and other times I question if I wouldn't be happier being the hermit in the woods you wrote about. Hermits don't have to challenge themselves and can control their lives to prevent getting hurt by other others. But is that really living? I don't know the answer.
I'm starting to notice a difference in my hearing lately, too, and I dread having to take that "old people" step into the land of hearing aids. But you miss so much when you can't follow the thread of conversations that we must swallow our pride at some point and get the dang things! Not being able to hear also makes people think we're not as share as we should be either to live alone and that can lead to do-gooders trying to take over our lives. These are all the motivating things I keep telling myself while I wait for someone to send me an offer for a free hearing test, close by.
I too believe I've done everything that needs to be done before I pass. Just having one child simplifies things also.
ReplyDeleteBut, I'm the opposite it appears, Judy. Thinking about death was something that appeared when I was pregnant. Then, of course you know the rest of the story. Nowadays, I barely ever think about it. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. However, I do enjoy quiet and being by myself never has bothered me. Now, as you know, Patti lives with me, and that may be in the future also until she can get on her feet.
Love you girl.
xoxo
Oh Judy, I cry as I read this. Sounds like me...
ReplyDeleteWill not go into length but a lot has been put in order.
I love my solitude but need some contact with children
and to feel loved.
At this time
and so weary sharing it
copint with issues going on.
Was up at 3:00 am going through old calendars where I write
everything and I realize my issues are not new - just longer and more severe. Hopefully after Cipro is finished in 7 to 10 days
I will feel a little better. Do not think arthur or balance issue is going to leave. But so thankful for days that are more like
those in the past were.
Your sharing is a blessing..
You certainly have had an active life and deserve some peace and quiet now!
ReplyDeleteI think what you are doing is normal, it doesn't sound weird to me!
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm not your age, I really like my solitude. Large gatherings don't bother me, but I attend more as an observer.
I think I'm the one that's strange!
I was thinking as I read this, you are putting into words how I feel. Then I got to thinking about how, at those times when your committees, co-workers, etc. were "counting on" you, perhaps that was the midst of a people-pleasing time of your life. As I've gotten older, I don't want to do so much, and I dont. I like being by myself. I do feel selfish. I'm not going to lie. But I don't like being around crowds either. I feel like I'm some other person. And the whole planning thing - you are giving your children such a gift by doing all the details, up to who you want to have the items. We tried to get Gram to do that. She wasn't dying ever, so no need. Don't beat yourself up.
ReplyDeleteSmiles!
You look so pretty in that pic. So elegant.
ReplyDeleteI've become more of an introvert. I used to feel energized around people but it's draining now. I prefer one-on-one. You're right about the computer and other devices. They allow us to have minimum contact with others. Without them, we'd probably have more of a longing for others.