No Expectations

The trick is...go in not expecting anything.  Just go with the flow.  Have no anticipation, other than that YOU are going to enjoy the day, no matter what.

Riding out to Pam's with Karen and part of her family, I mainly kept quiet, listened to the conversation going on around me and answered when a question was directed to me.  I did break into "Over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house", about half a mile from Pam's, because to Karen and me, it WAS grandmother's house and when she was little and all of us in the car, we'd sing that on the way to this very same house.

Then the kids starting singing it with, "to Aunt Pammie's house we go.", which was perfect.

As I walked into the living room, my son immediately got out of his chair and came to give me a hug.  That was not expected.  He usually sits and waits for me to go to him.  I think perhaps, when you come to the full realization of your own mortality, it changes you.  He seemed to be much more invested in the family festivities, than he has other years past.

On occasions like this, our family doesn't talk of unpleasant things.  There is no gossip.  There are no snide remarks.  If you sit very quietly and listen--there is a constant undertone of giggles coming from all over the house.  Someone is always laughing--always.

I heard my sister and Karen giggling out in the kitchen.  I heard my grand daughter Helene giggling with her sister over on the other side of the living room.  Pam and Cindy were giggling out in the dining room.  My SonIL and his two boys, giggling, while they were laying under the table, trying to get the puppy to sleep and I even heard my son (who never giggles) talking with his young niece Maddie and laughing.

I just sat and listened and smiled and tried not to let the moisture in my eyes, creep down my face.

It was all so perfect and wonderful.  Even though Jennifer's family was missing, as my sister said yesterday, "There wasn't enough room for seven more young kids running around anyway." (Her son's family also not present).   Not the way I would have looked at it because there is always room for that, in my opinion, but.................  
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Susan and Chuck came down Christmas Day and we had a good time.  We played three games of "Skip Bo"--a card game and one I had never played, thus I won all three games.

With just the three of us, we COULD talk of matters--Jennifer's moving, Susan's daughter-in-law INSISTING they go on a cruise (the 3rd this year) at Christmas time because, she loves cruises because she sits by the pool all the time and makes lets her husband take care of the kids.  They are not allowed to bother her during the day.  They do have supper together.

So yes--Susan and Chuck and I had our gossip then, while playing cards, but, it too was a wonderful time.  I have noticed that as my sister ages, her always happy attitude is waning.  She does have her cranky moments--quite often.  She has become critical of others.  I think perhaps, her moving to The Farm has been a disappointment.  It HAD to be.  She had planned this move for 20 years.  I doubt it has lived up to her anticipation and expectations.

I had the front screen door open most of Christmas Day.  It was 53, sunny and quite warm inside.  Chuck took a picture of Susan and me, on my porch, in back of the Christmas wreath, clad in our light weight tops with sleeves pushed up.

Today--it is cold and bleak.  I have no expectations.  Day by Day--whatever comes.  

It is "boxing" day.  To me that means, Christmas decorations are boxed up and put away.  Only the last decade have I done this, but.....I like a nice, clean, neat house to usher in a clean, neat New Year.

It Was a Wonderful Time

Christmas Eve at my house Pam's house.  Everyone that mattered was there.  I got to meet my first great grand Pup.  He is adorable and got passed around just like a new baby would.  His name is Ruppert--I think named by my oldest grand daughter, Helene's new boyfriend, who I can barely stand.  He's so arrogant and fake!!!  He won't greet you  or talk to you unless you address him personally. He rarely smiles, but when a camera is turned his way, breaks out in a big toothy grin.

The genealogy books were a hit as were the girls slippers and boys spaghetti sauce and.................My son said, "I love you, Mom".  The first time since he was a little boy!!
===========================

Pam's bottle tree, with clear lights inside each bottle and along the limbs.

My The long living room--large dining room off to the right.

View from windows on the left?

Two fields and the woods

My sister and Chuck

Oldest grand daughter and my 8 week old great grand pup

 Marcus& Stephen

My son-in-law and the boys napping under the table with the pup

My son Mark and his fiance', Cindy.

                                       The Queen Size quilt Karen made for her brother.

Cindy, Karen, Moi, Pam and Karen's husband Mark
My Mark in the chair

 Helene, Marcus, Suzanne, Stephen                           

Helene's boyfriend, Mike (bleck), Moi and Madeleine       

Sitting in the rocker I rocked all my babies in. :-)

....and There She Was............

all day on the Winter Solstice thinking it was Tuesday.  Rushing to the store.  Rushing to another store in a different city.  Rushing home.  

At 6:00, she realized it was Monday and it was kind of nice.  Not nice the realization that most probably she is in the early stages of senility, but the realization she had a whole day that she hadn't counted on at 9:00 that morning!

She bravely took on the massive traffic flow going to the Wal-Mart to get the needed ingredients for Mississippi Mud Brownies and Nacho Dip and looking for an extra box to wrap her family tree book in, for her sister.  

She had a lovely encounter, while in the stationary aisle.  She noticed a woman, standing by her cart, looking perplexed.  "May I help you?"

The lady said, "I am trying to find mailing labels--the kind that stick to the package."

"I know right where they are," she said as she led the lady around the corner, two aisles over.  "All sizes.  Did you want two by four shipping labels?  Here's a whole pack."

"No.  Those are for printing on a computer.  I just want the single ones that I can write on "to" and put my return address on."

She looked and reached forward to remove a single package from the upper holder. "Like these?"  she asked.  "There's only one pack left."

The lady took the pack and said, "I hate people that do this, but................" as she opened the package.  "Yes!!  Exactly what I wanted.  Thank you so much!  You saved my Christmas."

"Yay!" she said as she smiled.  and they both wished each other a Merry Christmas as they went in different directions.

She found everything she needed and headed to the check-out line.  

"That will be sixty one dollars and forty-two cents," said the nice cashier.

She dipped into her wallet and pulled out her S.N.A.P. card and said, "There is sixteen dollars on here," as she punched in her PIN.  

"Forty five dollars and forty-two cents," said the cashier.

She pulled out her Wal-Mart bucks card, "I don't know how much is on here...but let's see," she said as she punched in her PIN.

"Six dollars and forty-two cents left," said the cashier.

"I can handle that, she said, as she inserted her bank debit card and punched in her PIN.

When she got home, she backed her car in, as close to the porch steps as she could get and carried in her groceries.

As she sat down to rest her weary back, the phone rang and it was her friend and neighbor.

"I was just thinking of you," she said.  "I need to get up to your place for a visit."

"Merle has a diagnosis.  He does have Parkinson's.  The specialist said the minute he saw Merle get up and walk, he knew right away."

"I guess we thought it might be that, didn't we?"

"Yes.  We are all so glad and even happy that we finally know what is wrong with him!"

"Always good to know, I guess.  Is he on medicine for it now?"

"Yes.  He takes four pills a day.  The doctor said he would see improvement within a day.  It took two days, but he can walk better already and his right hand has stopped shaking."

"YAY!  she said.  "That is wonderful.  Merry Christmas!"

"What is going on with you?"  asked her neighbor.

So she told her neighbor.

"Not even a damned good-bye?"

"Nope."  and she could feel the tears starting again.

"Well, I went though that for two years with my oldest daughter.  I still don't know what I said or did that made her so angry at me.  Her sister told her to 'get over it'.  Mom won't be around forever, treat her with respect, no matter what."

"I do know what I did.  It is all my fault."

"Yes....but after three years?  I don't know what to tell you, but it isn't over.  You'll see her again."

"Maybe...at my funeral...all my kids with be with me.  Maybe then is when I can manage to get them all together and with me."

"Well, if I'm there, I am going to give everyone of them a good tongue lashing!"

She laughed and said, "Thanks!  Wish I could see that!"

Then she made herself supper.  A toasted cheese sandwich and a glass of milk to dunk it in.  She realized she hadn't had a toasted cheese sandwich in quite a few years.  It felt very comforting in her tummy.  She needs to eat more and better.  She can slip her jeans off without unbuttoning them.

==================

and today, when she woke up and realized it was her "extra day, she wrapped presents and put some in a nice big box to, one day, ship to New Jersey.

and she watched the cute little squirrels, at her feeder.

and she started getting her pans and ingredients out to start baking tomorrow, because on Thursday, she will celebrate Christmas with her three children, her five grandchildren, her sister and brother-in-law and she will be very, very thankful.

Karma

I do not believe in Karma!  Friends on Face Book claiming Karma will get people who have done bad things, and apparently got away with it.  "Karma is a Bitch."  or "Karma will get them."

Nonsense!  

I know quite a few people who were hurtful, spiteful, emotionally and physically abusive to others and went on to live a long, seemingly happy life.  As far as I witnessed, Karma didn't touch them.  Oh, they may face a harsh judgement when they face God, but while they lived, Karma seemed to bless them.  

Thinking of my second husband.  Married 7 times.  Physically abused some of his wives and emotionally abused all of them.  I have met 4 of them.  We all agreed.  He is now 85 years old. The picture of health.  Not a problem in this world.

What about my own father?  He lived a wonderful life, for 92 years.  Died a rich man and everyone in the community thought he was the most wonderful man they ever knew.  Yet he abused me terribly and my little sister to a lesser degree.
====================

I digress--This late morning, my Dear Friend Beth called me to say, she and her husband were going shopping at a nearby mall and would it be all right if she stopped in?  She said she had a gift for me and the cats.  Of course, I was so happy to be able to see her.

Shortly after she called, I had to call Pam to ask her a question about Christmas Eve.  She answered and as per normal, I said, "Whatcha up too?"

"Helping Jennifer."

"Oh.  Helping her with the kids?"

"No.  Helping her pack and load stuff into the moving van."

"Are they moving to an apartment around here?"

"Nope.  They sign the papers tomorrow morning and then are leaving for a hotel in New Jersey."

"Hotel.....in......New Jersey?"

"Yup.  Until they can find a house to rent in the school district they want the kids to start in, in January.  Renting until they can find a house or build one."

"Oh."

"What can I do for you?"

"Ah.  I.     Ah, is Cindy's son coming Christmas Eve?"

"I don't think so."

"Okay."

"It's a madhouse here.  I gotta go."

"Okay.  Please tell Jennifer....and Eric, and the kids that.............I wish them well on this new chapter in their lives and..............I........pray they have a safe trip."

"Okay.  Will do.  Love you Momma.  Bye."
==========================
Gone.

Just like that.

Without even a goodbye, from my youngest child.

Without even being able to hug the little kids goodbye or give them their Christmas presents.


I do not cry!  I will not cry!  I can't do anything about it and crying won't help.

I cried.

By the time Beth got here, I was pretty much okay, and told her.  She was a bit angry, I could tell.  She didn't smother me with emotions or words.  I looked at the gifts she had brought us.  A huge bag of my cats favorite dry cat food and a nice gift card for me.  So sweet of her.

I was kinda glad she was ticked off with Jennifer, anyway.

She knows me--we have known each other for 70 years now.  She knows if she covered me with sympathy, I'd lose it for sure.  We aren't like that.  None of our friends are like that.  Even my sister wouldn't be like that.

We are strong, stoic people and we know, if we "Ooh" and "Ahh" and start in with the , "I'm so sorry(s)". the affected person would feel worse and might cry and then we'd all cry and for some reason........we don't allow that.

When Beth and I went to the hospital/hospice to see Arlene, we both knew it probably would be our last time to see her alive.  What did we do?  We talked about everything else.  We joked and laughed.  There was the Grim Reaper standing in the corner of her room, and we ignored the bastard.  My last words to my best friend?  "I love you.  See ya later."  and blithely walked out the door, down the elevator and to the car.  Then Beth sat in the car for a few minutes, breathed and knew--"We won't see her again, will we."  "No. I don't think we will."

I don't know.  I think there is probably something wrong with all of us.  I have to always keep a stiff upper lip, no matter what.  As do my friends, family and most people I know--except Dar.  Maybe she is healthier than all of us!!!  Go into total meltdown and become a screaming hysteric!
========================
Now, I know some of you will call this a coincidence, but I don't.  I was sitting in my chair, just flipping through TV programs, clicked on one, didn't notice what it was and got up to go to the bathroom.

When I came back in and sat down, there was a pastor---talking about the Peace Jesus brings to us.  He went on to talk about this time of year and how hard it is when family members can't get home, or there is a divide in the family, or someone tragically dies at this time of year.

My ears pricked up.  I think God sent me this program!

Now, I know that I know that I know--that I believe there is so much I can't do a thing about.  This whole thing with Jennifer is like that.  I have apologized.  I have asked her forgiveness.  On the 5 occasions I have seen her in the last 3 years, I have been cordial, nice and when parting, have hugged her and told her I loved her.  There really is no way I can control her feelings.

The only thing I CAN do, is pray to Jesus to bless her and her life, and give my heart ache to God.

I will do that to find peace for myself.  We all need peace.

I know that I know that I know, someday, when it is the right time, it will all be all right.  God will soften her heart, in some way, and it will all be all right.
===============





If there is such a thing as Karma, I cannot for the life of me figure out what horrible thing I did to make "it" come down so hard on my life!

Stressful Week

I've missed a couple days of not only posting, but reading any of your posts.  Sorry, hope to get to you tomorrow morning.

Tuesday I had to run up to the bank and stop and get a half gallon of milk at the little market.  When I came out of the market, put my car in gear, backed out and applied my brakes--the pedal went right to the floor!!

Have you ever had that sort of--feeling of fear (?)--my mid-section became ice cold and my heart felt funny.  No brakes equaled, money (I don't have) spent.

I managed to get the mile home--thanking God that this hadn't happened while on my way up to the Girl Friends luncheon.  I backed into my parking pad, came in and called the tow company.  They were out within the hour.

Exactly three months to the day 9/15/15, when I pulled into my driveway, my radiator lost all the fluid and I had a tow.  $86.50--thank goodness I have road service on my car insurance.

The service garage called in a couple of hours.  The rear end work I needed on my car, have been saving my money for and planning on getting one in March, needed to be done NOW.

Not only the brake hoses had ruptured, but the metal brake lines (that hold the hoses), had broken and probably tore the brake hoses.

Lucky for me, I just got a new credit card with 0% APR for a year and a $3,500 credit limit.

I picked my car up this late morning.  Too late to get to the Old School Pals Christmas luncheon.  The total charge on my new card?  $999.69.  $60.00 under the original estimate.

This lovely new piece of furniture I have so wanted for 3 years and was going to put on my new charge card, to pay off and build up my credit, is now riding on the underside of my car!!!!!

Plus, I haven't heard from any of my kids or my sister and I just am feeling so depressed and very teary!   I sat in the dark last night and had that old familiar of "why am I still here?" feeling.  Really, right on the edge of the deep, dark hole of severe depression.

It will be better after the Holidays.  Won't it?

I was very shaky today.  I don't know if it is from the stress of the car or just the feeling of being unwanted and ignored by family.  I used to be their center, especially at Christmas time and now--just an after-thought.

Oh well.  Nothing I can really do about it.  A Pity Party should only last for 15-30 minutes and this one is going on for over an hour.

Onward--ever forward!

Continuing Mission

"Do your boobs hang low,

Do they wobble too and fro?

Can you tie them in a knot,

Can you tie them in a bow?

Can you throw them over your shoulders,

Like a Continental soldier?

Do your boobs hang low?".

Well, yes, as a matter of fact!
===================
My girl friends and I used to sing that song when we had PJ parties.  We all laughed, not knowing that around 55-60, we'd be the models for the song.  Then, we used to sing it loudly at our weekend get together's at Arlene's up north cottage.  In our jammies and bounce around--except for Arlene who remained to her dying day, a nice B cup.  She often went without a bra.

My daughter Pam NEVER wears a bra.  She was late for my Dad's funeral because she was going through drawers, trying to find her one and only.  Thought she should because she was wearing a dress.  Pammie, still an A cup.

My Mother was a perfect 36C.  My Dad's mother had what she called, "quart jars"--I can relate.

Perky?  I never was.  My oldest grand daughter, Helene, has inherited my height and my overly pervasive bust. 

My grand daughter Madeleine--well, you've seen her photos in her ballerina suit--I think she has very little.  
======================
My friend Beth was wearing a bra, long before I was. Also my friend's Judy and Sandy and, well most of them.  Except Arlene and I...and even SHE got one before I did!

I don't think we had training bras, back in the day.  I remember one day, I stole borrowed one of my Mother's bras and stuffed it with toilet paper.  I went to visit my grandmother and she tried not to laugh as she asked me what I had on under my T-shirt. I was 13+ at the time.  She told my mother and thus the whole hunting for a bra for Judy occurred.

My Mother started lining the bottom of my suitcase with sanitary pads when I was 11 and first went off to church camp--or to visit an aunt.  

I didn't start my periods until I was nearly 14--all my friends already had theirs, including Arlene.  They would come to school, complaining about their cramps and I'd sympathize with consoling words, "Oh, I know.  I had mine last week."  LIAR!

Then when I did finally "mature", I never had a cramp in my life.  I never had any problems, until menopause (once again late--age55) when I tried to hemorrhage to death for three very long years.

But even then, I never had hot flashes--warms ones perhaps--which I thought were interesting and used to sit at work and feel them as they started in my hairline and advanced.  I would giggle, it felt so weird as I tracked it.

The only problem menopause ever brought me was, wanting to slap all those snotty 30 year old women I worked with.  I finally got some Premarin to fix that.  Took it for seven years.  I stopped on my own, shortly before the FDA recommended not taking it.  I've had no problems or ill effects from that or the birth control pill which I took for ten years.
<thank you, Lord>
====================
Where was I going with this?

Oh yes--after researching the bras websites--I see reviews that the French manufacturer, Epreinte is supposedly the best and----------only $168.00 for a bra my size, with a wider bridge.

So--over to the Bali website and got my normal Flower Bali, three sectioned, underwire in a 42DDD.  I'll see if it fits.  For $28.00 and free shipping, I can't go wrong.

Right?

I'll be sure and keep you abreast of my situation.
===========

https://www.wattpad.com/2748792-do-your-boobs-hang-low

A Mission

Now that I have finished my Mission of finding the perfect pillow--I go out into the world to find the perfect fitting bra.

This kind of amuses me as I was 14 before I needed to wear a bra and didn't really need one then but for the fact that ALL my girlfriends had one and I felt weird.  It was a lovely affair at 32AA.

When I graduated and married, I had grown to a 34A.  My best friend Arlene and I were the same size. Within three months of being pregnant, I was a 38D.
She got clear up to a B--"two fried eggs with the yolks broke," as her husband used to say.

Arlene had large hips.  Her husband preferred large boobs.  I had large boobs, my husband preferred large hips.  It was a source of many jokes over the years the four of us were together.

Anyway--I went from folding my arms over my chest to hide the fact I had no boobs, to folding my arms over my chest to hide the fact I had big ones.  I was truly embarrassed.

As my weight went up and down, the cup size changed very little  I do remember once, after my divorce when I lost fifty pounds, I got into a 36C and bought bras in every color manufactured.  That happy phase lasted for about 5 years.

Something odd happened at menopause.  I went from a 38 D to a 40D.  Same cup size, just bigger around.

Something even odder happened at age 70.  Now at an enormous 42DD.

Back down to a 40DD, when Fred died and I lost 30 pounds, but about a year ago, all of a sudden, my cups runneth over!!

I have worn underwire,three-section,  Bali Bow bras for years and years.  Now, all of a sudden, they aren't fitting right.  

In November I went on an internet search.  I found a bra that sounded just perfect.  40DD.  The Lilyette by Bali and a minimizer thrown in for good measure.  It was only $22.00--I am used to pay up to $40.00.

I came.  It had a wonderful "U" back which I liked, but it didn't fit.  Back it went, returned for a 42DD.

I came.  It didn't fit.  Back it went for a 42DDD--I had remeasured and was sure I had found it.

It came today.  It doesn't fit right.  It is going back.

So I went to the Her Room bra website to see what was my problem.

The "bridge" in the center of the bra(s) stick out.  They are supposed to lay flat against my sternum.  They do not.  They bulge out which is very apparent under any top I might wear.

Searching farther--I find reviews by women who claim the Polish company EWA Michalik makes the best bras for big-busted women.   Most Polish women are large in the boobie area, I guess. 

I got.  I calculated my measurements in cm's.  By their standards I would wear a 95C.

95C?  Is this not the scariest measurement you have ever heard of?  DDD is bad enough.

They will build you a bra using many measurements and it will only cost $200.00 EU--how ever much that is in dollars, I have no idea.  AND it only takes 3 months for it to get here!!

Back to the reviews.  Adorra?  Some of them have wider bridges.  I need a Balconette bra.  Something resembling a balcony, I guess?

I do have a large balcony.  If I am not careful, it catches food--I have the stains on my tops to prove it.

It's nearly 9:00 and I am tired of searching for bras.  It will resume tomorrow.

Either I find the perfect bra or I will set up a Go Fund me to pay for breast reduction surgery.  

EGAD!  Wouldn't that be most painful?

I refuse to go another year with my bra bridge sticking out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!