title explained

Onward and upward! something that you say in order to encourage someone to forget an unpleasant experience or failure and to think about the future instead and move forward.

My e-mail: jjmiller6213@comcast.net

Sunday, December 20, 2015


I do not believe in Karma!  Friends on Face Book claiming Karma will get people who have done bad things, and apparently got away with it.  "Karma is a Bitch."  or "Karma will get them."


I know quite a few people who were hurtful, spiteful, emotionally and physically abusive to others and went on to live a long, seemingly happy life.  As far as I witnessed, Karma didn't touch them.  Oh, they may face a harsh judgement when they face God, but while they lived, Karma seemed to bless them.  

Thinking of my second husband.  Married 7 times.  Physically abused some of his wives and emotionally abused all of them.  I have met 4 of them.  We all agreed.  He is now 85 years old. The picture of health.  Not a problem in this world.

What about my own father?  He lived a wonderful life, for 92 years.  Died a rich man and everyone in the community thought he was the most wonderful man they ever knew.  Yet he abused me terribly and my little sister to a lesser degree.

I digress--This late morning, my Dear Friend Beth called me to say, she and her husband were going shopping at a nearby mall and would it be all right if she stopped in?  She said she had a gift for me and the cats.  Of course, I was so happy to be able to see her.

Shortly after she called, I had to call Pam to ask her a question about Christmas Eve.  She answered and as per normal, I said, "Whatcha up too?"

"Helping Jennifer."

"Oh.  Helping her with the kids?"

"No.  Helping her pack and load stuff into the moving van."

"Are they moving to an apartment around here?"

"Nope.  They sign the papers tomorrow morning and then are leaving for a hotel in New Jersey."

"Hotel.....in......New Jersey?"

"Yup.  Until they can find a house to rent in the school district they want the kids to start in, in January.  Renting until they can find a house or build one."


"What can I do for you?"

"Ah.  I.     Ah, is Cindy's son coming Christmas Eve?"

"I don't think so."


"It's a madhouse here.  I gotta go."

"Okay.  Please tell Jennifer....and Eric, and the kids that.............I wish them well on this new chapter in their lives and..............I........pray they have a safe trip."

"Okay.  Will do.  Love you Momma.  Bye."

Just like that.

Without even a goodbye, from my youngest child.

Without even being able to hug the little kids goodbye or give them their Christmas presents.

I do not cry!  I will not cry!  I can't do anything about it and crying won't help.

I cried.

By the time Beth got here, I was pretty much okay, and told her.  She was a bit angry, I could tell.  She didn't smother me with emotions or words.  I looked at the gifts she had brought us.  A huge bag of my cats favorite dry cat food and a nice gift card for me.  So sweet of her.

I was kinda glad she was ticked off with Jennifer, anyway.

She knows me--we have known each other for 70 years now.  She knows if she covered me with sympathy, I'd lose it for sure.  We aren't like that.  None of our friends are like that.  Even my sister wouldn't be like that.

We are strong, stoic people and we know, if we "Ooh" and "Ahh" and start in with the , "I'm so sorry(s)". the affected person would feel worse and might cry and then we'd all cry and for some reason........we don't allow that.

When Beth and I went to the hospital/hospice to see Arlene, we both knew it probably would be our last time to see her alive.  What did we do?  We talked about everything else.  We joked and laughed.  There was the Grim Reaper standing in the corner of her room, and we ignored the bastard.  My last words to my best friend?  "I love you.  See ya later."  and blithely walked out the door, down the elevator and to the car.  Then Beth sat in the car for a few minutes, breathed and knew--"We won't see her again, will we."  "No. I don't think we will."

I don't know.  I think there is probably something wrong with all of us.  I have to always keep a stiff upper lip, no matter what.  As do my friends, family and most people I know--except Dar.  Maybe she is healthier than all of us!!!  Go into total meltdown and become a screaming hysteric!
Now, I know some of you will call this a coincidence, but I don't.  I was sitting in my chair, just flipping through TV programs, clicked on one, didn't notice what it was and got up to go to the bathroom.

When I came back in and sat down, there was a pastor---talking about the Peace Jesus brings to us.  He went on to talk about this time of year and how hard it is when family members can't get home, or there is a divide in the family, or someone tragically dies at this time of year.

My ears pricked up.  I think God sent me this program!

Now, I know that I know that I know--that I believe there is so much I can't do a thing about.  This whole thing with Jennifer is like that.  I have apologized.  I have asked her forgiveness.  On the 5 occasions I have seen her in the last 3 years, I have been cordial, nice and when parting, have hugged her and told her I loved her.  There really is no way I can control her feelings.

The only thing I CAN do, is pray to Jesus to bless her and her life, and give my heart ache to God.

I will do that to find peace for myself.  We all need peace.

I know that I know that I know, someday, when it is the right time, it will all be all right.  God will soften her heart, in some way, and it will all be all right.

If there is such a thing as Karma, I cannot for the life of me figure out what horrible thing I did to make "it" come down so hard on my life!


  1. Why on earth would your x-husband's 4th through 7th wives think he was marriage worthy. I just don't get that! Women can sure be their own worst enemy sometimes.

    Gosh, I can't understand how Jennifer could whisk her kids away without a chance to say goodbye to their grandmother. She might think she's hurting you to do that but didn't cross her mind that she's hurting them in the process? But like you said, you can't do anything about it except accept the situation. It is what it is.

    "Keeping a stiff upper lip, no matter what" is a learned family trait and probably got your ancestors through a lot of hard times. But a little bit of that goes a long way if it keeps people from showing normal emotions of sadness, hurt feeling, joy and love. But most of us do it to a certain extent as a self-preservation thing.

  2. Oh, Jennifer. What are you doing? Even knowing her history, I can't believe she left without saying goodbye or allowing the kids to say goodbye. We have no power over these things, do we? At every opportunity, you tried to make it right again. I hope she decides to relent someday.

  3. much you share I relate to
    so much like what we expect or want
    but find peace within ourselves is the only answer
    and just go forward.
    I do believe that many we think are happy that do wrong
    really are not
    deep in their hearts and does not matter
    we only have to answer for ourselves.
    Please take care...

  4. I believe and always say that "what goes around comes around" Maybe that is some form of Karma. I always figured that nasty people are nasty for a reason and you never know what goes on behind closed doors! That being said, what Jennifer is doing to you probably will come around to her someday. I'm sorry for your broken heart, Judy. You are a strong woman who hates to look vulnerable and that is why try to never cry! Ok off my soapbox now. Have a good day my friend!

  5. I hope you have a merry Christmas week and a blessed holiday despite all not being right in your world, Judy. xoxo

  6. My comments keep getting deleted. Argh! You know your daughter better than all of us. I spot passive aggressiveness on her part. Maybe from her father? And how valuable is stoicism? Not very, in my new book. Perhaps you could drive to Jennifer's house and hug her? Or leave a voice message " I love you"? When I'm overwhelmed I duck out of difficult conversations. Perhaps she's ducking out?

    1. I thought of that yesterday--driving over just to say goodbye, but then I knew, I would become a wreck and I duck out of difficult confrontations. They left this morning, so my chance is gone. Oh well.

  7. Actual Karma is often misunderstood. In Hindu and Buddist religion, they believe that negative actions will revisit you either in this life or another life. SO, if you don't believe in past or future lives, Karma is also a concept you can't believe in.

    What goes around comes around, you reap what you sow....I think most people equate that to Karma, but they are really searching for the retribution to take place in THIS life.

    While it seems like others are not getting their just due, we can never know someone's inner demons. Perhaps they hurt at a deep level and are indeed paying a price. Who knows?

    I have always wished people who remain guarded, refuse to cry or express emotions easily.....could quit it!! I mean, I don't think you should go around being a blubbering idiot all the time, but I think that repressing your true feelings robs the people around you of really getting to know you completely and doesn't allow them to offer the support they would be so willing to offer. When we are hurting it can be very cathartic to let it all out, it physically hurts me to hold it in.

    Many are taught to be stoic and I imagine that would be very hard to change later in life.

    Jennifer....my gosh, you gotta wonder what really drives her. I would be tempted to stop by and say goodbye, drop off gifts. Just because she's not going to say goodbye to you doesn't mean you have to go along with her program.

    But then again, I'm a boat rocker from way back :)

    Hope you have a Merry, Merry Christmas!!

    1. Yes, Marla. I agree and have had that advice from therapists--about not expressing feelings. I guess, when I've expressed feelings, I have always been shot down for it. I don't rant and yell and pout and demand, I am always very calm. The last time I expressed my feelings was when I found out I was the last one in the family to know of my son's cancer diagnosis. I told my girls how hurt I felt that, as his mother, I wasn't told along with everyone else. Jennifer's retort was, "It's not always all about you, Mom." My pulled my head back into my shell and have kept quiet. I don't want to disturb them with my wants and needs.

  8. I've just been catching up with you - I'm SO sorry about Jen, moving and not even saying goodbye. It is beyond my understanding of acting like that - even when I shouldn't care, I do. And my mom - I can't even wrap my head around that. When my step-daughter's mom was dismissive of her and hurt her deeply, I tried to be supportive and tell her that her mom must be really hurting to act in such a way. Like said from Marla, maybe she really hurts and doesn't talk about it, ad her way of dealing with it is lashing out, hurting who she knows will love her unconditionally. Whatever it is, I pray with you that God will work in her life in a visible and undeniable way, and that her heart will be changed. I'm so sorry. She doesn't see what a great mama she has. It's her loss but it also hurts you deeply.
    Hugs to you, my friend.