Me and My Shadow.

Geez oh Pete!  

I guess it will just be better if I refrain from telling my children ANY of my feelings.  My friend thought it might be good for me and them, if I were a bit more open with my kids.  Expressing my feelings of the loneliness I feel being excluded from their lives, or that I'm not as independent as I try to make them think I am.  Trying to get back that close-knit family that used to be.

I had lunch with my high school gal pals Thursday.  I hadn't been the last two months.  I figured now that I know my son's cancer treatment is going well, I'd tell them that he has cancer, BUT he is doing okay. When I made the statement, they all started nodding their heads.  Come to find out--they have ALL known since late July.

One of my friends said, "I think we all knew before you did."

Apparently, when my ex went to his class reunion, he told all his friends.  Some of the same friends I have lunch with.  So, while I was absent from the lunches, this was discussed and apparently they all knew I was not to be told.

So, when asked, "Why didn't your kids tell you?'  or "Why didn't Mark tell you?"  I tried to brush it off with a flip,"Mark didn't want anyone to know and they know I would blab it all over."  Ha Ha.

What I really felt was complete embarrassment.  Who else in this group has family problems that are kept from them?  None.  How long has this group been gossiping about me?  What else don't I know?

When you have known people since the first day of Kindergarten, they have a certain perception of you.  I think that perception remains to this day.  We kind of expect each other to talk and act like we always have--since high school on.  Since I am not close to any of them, except Beth who I had already told about Mark, I almost felt like a couple of them took pleasure in the fact that they knew before me.

Like their ages old perception of me had changed.  No longer was I (incorrectly) perceived as having this tight, close-knit family that shared all.

I don't know.  Perhaps I am being paranoid.  I've had a lot of that lately.

Anyway, later last evening, I told my girls of what had happened and I hoped something like that never happened again in our family--that I was left out.  

Then I shared with them that lately, I have felt left out about a lot of things.  I feel kind of excluded from their family get togethers.  I don't really know what is going on, until after it is over.

This IS a new feeling, brought on 2.5+ years ago when I posted something that a cousin told Jen about and made Jen angry at me.  It's like the kids have hardly any desire to communicate with me since then.  None of them visit very often.  I think they no longer trust me.  We used to be so close.

I thought I was gentle when I voiced my feelings, but Jen blasted me!  Whoa--did she blast me.

She said that no one in our family has any respect for me.  That Mark didn't really care who knew of his cancer, just so I never knew.

Her anger comes from the idea that she looked at my blog post, after the cousin told her what I had written--well no, the cousin called my step-sister's husband to tell him and the step-sister told Jen--anyway, Jen said my blog numbers showed I had 3,600 views and that meant 3,600 people had read my post that day so, 3,600 people saw what I wrote about her.  She was going to sue me for defammation of character.

3,600 people?  I have tried to explain to her--three times now--that 3,600 "views" does NOT mean that 3,600 people read my blog that day--or any other day for that matter.

Is there a blog anywhere in this world that gets 3,600 views on one day?

Actually I went back and looked and that day, 2.4 viewed my blog post and no one commented.  None of my readers, except my cousin, even knew Jennifer!

She just refuses to listen to me.  She may be a high- fa looting attorney, but she sure doesn't know a damn thing about blogs--or what the numbers mean.  Personally?  I have never seen the numbers and don't even know where to find them.  So, I don't know what they mean either.  HAH.

Anyway, Jen is really mad and told me that all the women in my lunch group have been smiling to my face and gossiping behind my back for years.  That may be the truth.  I don't know and really don't care and really--could not care less if I ever attended another of their lunches.

Karen pipes in and says if I want to blame someone, blame Mark.

I was told by both that they didn't want any more e-mails from me.  

No where in my e-mail to them did I blame anyone!   I don't think I sounded angry, and I especially did not make any sarcastic comments.  But then once again, in a written missive, you can't see the person's facial expressions or hear their voice inflection, so--I guess they read the words and that was their perception.  

So, once again, although their Dad was the "blabber", it somehow is my fault?  Or, I shouldn't feel embarrassed that everyone in the county knew before me?  Or it's none of my business what they do together?

Because I am always totally afraid that I might say something wrong, when they DO visit or tell me something, I sit very quietly and just nod or say "oh?"  I'm so afraid of stepping on those damn egg shells.  I ask permission before I post any photos that I may be in, with them.  I try not to post too much on FB of anything because I have been told, I post too much crap and it clogs up their FB pages. 

I feel like I am living under parental control again!

So, my relationship with them probably isn't going to get any better--at least not with Jen.  I finally did get a bit angry and told her that she had no right to talk to her mother like she talks to me!  

GEEZ oh Pete!  

I never disrespected my abusive father or my horrible step-mother.  Why can't she give me the same courtesy?  She can dislike me all she wants, but she doesn't need to call me names and write such mean things to me.

Anyway--it is what it is.  I think now you can see why I don't ever ask them for help?

Just put me in a damn home and forget about me.  NO--I would never tell them that, but often, that's the way I feel.
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BUT--I have learned a lesson here--NEVER express my feelings, when I am sad, frustrated, tired--at the end of an emotionally charged day. 

Really--I think it wise, never to express my feelings at all to any of them.  Just smile and nod. 

I should have taken an Ativan and gone to bed!

Geez oh Pete!