Today's high temperature was: 30 degrees
Gray.
A glaze on everything from overnight freezing rain.
A glaze on everything from overnight freezing rain.
Maybe snow later. I hope.
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Man Alive! I felt wonderful when I woke up. Really rested and...my neck wasn't stiff!! Yes--I got a new pillow. Yes--it was one I tried three years ago. Yes--it was one of those My Pillows--on sale--50% off and...Yes, for some reason, this time, it seems to be all it's cracked up to be!!
I am thinking ahead to my spring cleaning and rearrangement of the living room. Taking down the heavy drapes and putting up sheers at the two big windows. Changing side tables around and putting my old wicker trunk back in front of the couch. Making it lighter in here--both sunlight wise and fabric wise.
Now--I am lusting after this photograph--because it goes with my summer theme and it speaks to my heart and I can just see it, over a small table with my shells on the table top.
and I have a shell just like the one in the picture AND a glass float ball! I will have to see how much $$ I can wrangle out of my monthly budget this month. Maybe--just maybe?
Do you know that they make Bead Board wall paper? It actually looks like wood! I love Bead Board. Have it in my bathroom cupboards and my entertainment center and the cupboard in my computer/den. I would love to put it in my living room and kitchen, under the chair rail, so it would look like Wainscoting. But....I won't. It might be too much? Not money wise, but..........you know.
Although my sister has Wainscoting all through her house--the original that was built with the house, 158 years ago. Hers is wood color with painted or wall papered wall above it. Just something to think about--eh?
====================
I have felt so good--emotionally. As I pondered on this--you know by now, how I sit and ponder on life. It occurred to me--the one toxic relationship that was in my life for so many years, is now gone. Well--a few toxic relationships are gone, but this was the main one.
I felt so guilty when my Daddy died. We never had a good relationship. My Mother was the glue that held our family together in unconditional love and happiness and making everyone around her feel like they were the most important people in the world. When she died--all of that was gone.
My Daddy was the critical one--always cutting us down to size. I felt guilty because I thought--for as long as he and I lived, that it was my fault that he didn't really treat me very well.
If I could just be a better person. If I could just find the key to getting close to him. If I could just figure out how to make him proud of me. All through the years, it just seemed that everything I did, made me appear worse in his eyes.
I was pregnant when I got married--he was ashamed. I had three children in four years--he was embarrassed that I was such a breeder. My son, who wanted to be a farmer, didn't take instructions very well--how could I have raised such a stubborn kid. I got divorced. When my sister got divorced, it was her husband's fault. When I got divorced, apparently it was my fault.
Then I couldn't afford the family home I lived in--I got a lecture. Instead of selling that home and getting money to live on in a cheaper place, I gave it free and clear to my daughter. At least I kept it in the family--but I was viewed as a failure and heard about it. Of course, the step-mother had an influence on my Daddy by then and told me, "You won't be inheriting any farm or house. You had one and you let it go."
So when Daddy died, I felt guilty that I had let him down.
But guess what? Now, both Daddy and step-mother are gone and with them, the toxicity. It used to be whenever my sister or I visited the Big House, we got a bit nervous as we drove up the drive. What lecture or criticism awaited us when we walked into the house?
Now--that house--that same house seems light and brighter and full of laughter once again. I mentioned it to her one day a couple of years ago and she said, "I know. I feel the same way. As soon as Chuck and I moved in, it seemed the rooms got bigger. More sunlight came in the windows. I can almost hear the ancestor's laughing and having a good time."
Strange isn't it? I didn't equate that with how emotionally free I have felt and I think, as bad as it is to say this--I think it is because that relationship is gone. I feel more able to do and say what I want--without worrying that the critical responses will come. That my Daddy or step-mother aren't going to ask me what is going on and then lecture me on how I should or could have done better. Now, when I drive out to visit The Farm, I drive as quickly as I can to get there and there is no nervous flutters in my stomach as I drive up the long driveway. I can't wait to get in that house!
I can finally breathe. In a way, it's all very sad. In a way, it's all very relaxing.
===============================
We got a thin coating of ice--I looked out and noticed it on my car. Around noon, I went outside to get something out of my car and the driveway was very slick. I tried to hang on to the car, but it was covered with ice and not a good grip. I inched my way back into the house. I don't need to fall and break one of my new hips! Then we got a dusting of snow this afternoon, and I'll just bet, that makes it even more slippery. I may be inside until the spring thaw, LOL.
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This is what I did tonight, for entertainment--while I watched my Spartan's whip the Rutgers Knights.
All right, all right.
Do you know that they make Bead Board wall paper? It actually looks like wood! I love Bead Board. Have it in my bathroom cupboards and my entertainment center and the cupboard in my computer/den. I would love to put it in my living room and kitchen, under the chair rail, so it would look like Wainscoting. But....I won't. It might be too much? Not money wise, but..........you know.
Although my sister has Wainscoting all through her house--the original that was built with the house, 158 years ago. Hers is wood color with painted or wall papered wall above it. Just something to think about--eh?
====================
I have felt so good--emotionally. As I pondered on this--you know by now, how I sit and ponder on life. It occurred to me--the one toxic relationship that was in my life for so many years, is now gone. Well--a few toxic relationships are gone, but this was the main one.
I felt so guilty when my Daddy died. We never had a good relationship. My Mother was the glue that held our family together in unconditional love and happiness and making everyone around her feel like they were the most important people in the world. When she died--all of that was gone.
My Daddy was the critical one--always cutting us down to size. I felt guilty because I thought--for as long as he and I lived, that it was my fault that he didn't really treat me very well.
If I could just be a better person. If I could just find the key to getting close to him. If I could just figure out how to make him proud of me. All through the years, it just seemed that everything I did, made me appear worse in his eyes.
I was pregnant when I got married--he was ashamed. I had three children in four years--he was embarrassed that I was such a breeder. My son, who wanted to be a farmer, didn't take instructions very well--how could I have raised such a stubborn kid. I got divorced. When my sister got divorced, it was her husband's fault. When I got divorced, apparently it was my fault.
Then I couldn't afford the family home I lived in--I got a lecture. Instead of selling that home and getting money to live on in a cheaper place, I gave it free and clear to my daughter. At least I kept it in the family--but I was viewed as a failure and heard about it. Of course, the step-mother had an influence on my Daddy by then and told me, "You won't be inheriting any farm or house. You had one and you let it go."
So when Daddy died, I felt guilty that I had let him down.
But guess what? Now, both Daddy and step-mother are gone and with them, the toxicity. It used to be whenever my sister or I visited the Big House, we got a bit nervous as we drove up the drive. What lecture or criticism awaited us when we walked into the house?
Now--that house--that same house seems light and brighter and full of laughter once again. I mentioned it to her one day a couple of years ago and she said, "I know. I feel the same way. As soon as Chuck and I moved in, it seemed the rooms got bigger. More sunlight came in the windows. I can almost hear the ancestor's laughing and having a good time."
Strange isn't it? I didn't equate that with how emotionally free I have felt and I think, as bad as it is to say this--I think it is because that relationship is gone. I feel more able to do and say what I want--without worrying that the critical responses will come. That my Daddy or step-mother aren't going to ask me what is going on and then lecture me on how I should or could have done better. Now, when I drive out to visit The Farm, I drive as quickly as I can to get there and there is no nervous flutters in my stomach as I drive up the long driveway. I can't wait to get in that house!
I can finally breathe. In a way, it's all very sad. In a way, it's all very relaxing.
===============================
We got a thin coating of ice--I looked out and noticed it on my car. Around noon, I went outside to get something out of my car and the driveway was very slick. I tried to hang on to the car, but it was covered with ice and not a good grip. I inched my way back into the house. I don't need to fall and break one of my new hips! Then we got a dusting of snow this afternoon, and I'll just bet, that makes it even more slippery. I may be inside until the spring thaw, LOL.
==================
This is what I did tonight, for entertainment--while I watched my Spartan's whip the Rutgers Knights.
I can't remember if I ever had a toxic relationship in my life. If I did, it didn't last long enough to be scar me the way people like you who had the misfortune to have a toxic parent was scarred. In the end, you are a strong and smart woman who landed on her feet. Thankfully, you shed tne low self-esteem that came with the toxic relationship...better late than never, and from what I can tell you didn't pass that on to your kids.
ReplyDeleteLove your dream print. I want to go cottage theme, too. It's a Michigan thing, maybe.
Jean--I have a bit of beach cottage theme. I spent three different vacations in North Carolina on the Outer Banks, in a cottage right on the beach. I'm scared to death of water--almost drowned twice and still can't swim a stroke. I don't want to go ON the water--I would be a nervous wreck if I had to go on a cruise. I don't want to go IN the water. I just want to live by it so I can watch it and listen to the sound of the waves. I have tried to turn this place into a blue/white/green color scheme. I just like cool, water colors.
ReplyDeleteA cottage on the Outer Banks would be a dream come true, wouldn't it. I like the water and can swim but I'd still rather look at it than me in it.
DeleteUnderstand so much you share
ReplyDeleteand I do not share - but I truly understand.
The ocean and beach
I miss so much
and like you - just enjoying looking at the water, the smell of the ocean and the seafood I miss.
Take care
we are fine
just a lot of memories
that we put to rest and seem to surface from time to time.
But not as often - thank goodness.
It's a shame you can't have better memories of your father. He was the parent you had for the longest time! Have a good weekend and stay warm!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that the death of your Dad and stepmother has left you feeling unburdened. As you know, I have issues with my Mom, and so I limit the time I spend with her, but there's always underlying guilt that I should be the bigger person. I imagine that when she's gone, I'll eventually feel as you do....free at last.
ReplyDeleteYou know I LOVE that picture, and hope you can get it. I would be happy to help you with that, but right at the moment I can't with all that's going on around here.
ReplyDeleteThe house where Susan and Chuck live; is that the one you grew up in? I know they've done so much, and from what I've seen it's quite lovely.
I have a cd if I can find it, I will send to you; it's ocean sounds!
xoxo
Sally, I have TWO cd's of ocean wave sounds. I play them at night while I am going to sleep. :-) The house where Susan lives is the Centennial Farm where my great great grandparents, great grandparents and Dad lived (after he married step-mom). The farm I was raised on is north up the road 1/8 mile, where my parents lived when they got married--where my son lives. The house where I raised my kids and where Pam lives, it 1/2 mile up the road east, that was my grandma's house. I will have to post pictures of the different farms. :-)
DeleteI lived with a daddy who found fault with things we did and rarely praised us for anything we did. I don't remember having him ever tell me or my sister that he loved us, and so I could never tell him I loved him. I guess that's the reason, after almost four years past his death, I have not shed one tear, although, I do not cry easily. But, in his defense, that was the way he was brought up too, and he did provide for his family.
ReplyDeleteYes--I understand. We did tell our Daddy "I love you", when he was old--like the last 5 years of his life. As he was in his final stages of life, Susan and I stood by his bed and Susan said, "Just say the words! Just tells us the words!" Of course, he was on morphine in Hospice so he probably couldn't have even if he wanted too. I do not cry easily either--especially never in public, so I don't cry at funerals and that doesn't mean we don't feel anything, it's just the way we were brought up. My Daddy was brought up in a very loving home, so why he was so physically mean and emotionally critical to me and and emotionally critical to my sister, is beyond me. Just four years ago, my cousin said that her mother told her that my Daddy, an only child, felt he had to have a child, but that he was very jealous of the time I took with my Mother. He would have been very happy if it had been just him and her forever.
DeleteOh, you've so described that sickly feeling I would have driving up to my childhood home when my mother was alive. She and your Dad would have been a pair! It sounds like both your Dad and my Mom were resentful their little girls were born. So sad! I'm proud you've gotten him out of your head and out of your soul. A soul deserves sweet, dear occupants, like the One who created us and really wanted you born.
ReplyDeleteI love the beach cottage theme, too. In the room where I write, I put bead board wallpaper halfway up the wall, then put a chair rail on, and painted it all. I have it in the bathroom, too, on the top half. I guess one can over do it if it's everywhere? I don't know. I love the way it softens a room without looking too too feminine. There is something so relaxing about water and waves.
I know of so many women who had/have the problem with their Mothers, not loving them in the right way. That must be awful. I think not having a good relationship with the Daddy influences our (bad) choices in husbands/men. I don't know how a bad relationship with our mothers would influences our lives. All I know--it SEEMS the parent we loved the most dies first and leaves the bad one for us still to contend with.
ReplyDelete