Obsessiveness

Today's high temperature was: 83 degrees

Today's humidity was:  63%

Sunny--heavy air

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I have an obsessive nature--oh Lordy--I have so many erratic natures.  

I can remember when I was 10-12 years old, I could not eat supper.  When I tried to swallow my food, it felt like a thing closed in my throat and the food wouldn't go down.  My Daddy did not understand--nor did I at that age.  He became very angry.  I was to sit at the table until I had eaten all my supper.  Night after night--he'd go back out to the barn to finish his chores--come in the house around eight o'clock and there I sat.  The cold food congealing on my plate.  He would tell me to eat and go into the living room to watch TV or read his magazine for awhile.  He went to bed at ten o'clock and there I sat.  All the lights in the house were turned off, except the light, over the sink, in the kitchen. My Mother always came in then and told me to go to bed.  To this day, I cannot stand to eat peas--there is nothing more awful then trying to eat cold peas!!!

I had no problem eating lunch at school--it was only supper.  I became even thinner then I already was.  Mother took me to the doctor.  He gave me a liquid iron tonic--OHMYGOSH--it was awful!!  It was thick and black and it tasted like metal.  Also cod liver oil--I actually grew to like it and sometimes, opened the refrigerator, opened the bottle and would take a big drink.  I still think it was that early childhood tonics that have given me such a strong immune system.  Now--I am "allergic" to any food that contains a lot of iron--Vitamin A.  I cannot eat it--not that I don't like it, but my hemoglobin is very close to being dangerously high. It has been years since I have enjoyed a nice big plate of fried liver and onions.  A big handful of raisins.  A nice thick, juicy rare steak.  

Mother took me to the doctor again--unheard of in my family to go to a doctor twice in one year!!!  He said I had a "nervous" stomach.  She was told not to force me to eat foods that I did not like.  She must have told Daddy because I didn't have to sit in a darkened kitchen for four hours after supper anymore.  However, that didn't really help.  As I got older, I realized what the problem was.  The supper table was not a pleasant place for me.  There were very strict table manners imposed.  There were only the three of us sitting around the small table, but I had to ask for everything to be passed to me--no reaching!!! even if the item I wanted was eight inches in front of me.  "May I have a slice of bread, please?"  In my clumsiness, if I happened to tip over my glass of milk--Daddy's hand went up to the rubber hose on a shelf hear the table, or a table knife, held between his thumb and index finger, came down on my knuckles.

My best friend Arlene once told my Daddy, "Charlie, you used to scare me when I ate supper with you guys.  In my large family, it was reach and grab or you might miss out on food.  I was always afraid I would forget at your table and you'd rap my knuckles with that heavy silver table knife!"  He laughed.  She laughed.

It was simple, when I figured it out later in life.  The fear of being slapped, whacked, hit with the rubber hose, every time I sat down to supper, may have caused my lack of appetite?  

YA THINK?

The things we do to our kids when, in our minds, we are trying to bring them up to be polite, responsible people of the world.  Instead, they spend their extra money seeking help from shrinks!!!
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Off on a tangent I go again--so---I have not been feeling emotionally well for the last few years.  Two years ago, I went off a "mood stabilizer" I had been on for thirty some years.  My primary care doc tried many other types of anti depressants/anti anxiety/anti whatever drugs with no success.  The side effects were devastating to me.  Near seizures, dizziness, loss of balance, vomiting, diarrhea, lack of concentration, on and on.

Last year he told me he would not prescribed anything else until I went to a psychiatrist to find out what drugs would really help.  I refused.  Told him the doc he suggested was a man and I did not have good results going to a male therapist as they can be condescending and don't really understand woman's emotional problems.  I DID however go to a clinical psychologist--for three months--talk therapy.  I'd been through all of that a few other times in my life--it helps for a while.  But she could not prescribe anything for me--not legal for her to do that.

So--I begged and in January, my doc put me on Celexa.  I told him that I thought I needed a combination med--that was what I had before and it seemed to help--for many years, until it became hard to find a pharmacy who carried it.  Once again, he said he wanted me to go to a psychiatrist, who could diagnose and prescribe what I needed.

Lately, I have not been emotionally well.  I recognize the signs.  Staying inside and away from people for days at a time.  No motivation.  Wanting to be alone.  Wanting to stay in bed all day.  Depression.

Other days, being high as a kite, so to speak.  Running around talking to people.  Telling my life story to store cashiers--strangers.  Thinking in my head that I could afford to move--I have no money for that.  Getting up in the middle of the night--ordering all sorts of items online--then getting on-line the next morning to cancel the orders?  Saying and writing outrageous things.  Posting what I thought at the time was a profound thought on Face Book, only to get on the computer at night and deleting it?  Feeling out of control. Mania.

The old nemesis is back!!! 

Over the years, since 1968 I have been diagnosed with:  are you ready?
"nerves"
Anxiety
Inordinate fear
Manic Depression
OCD
Agoraphobia
Ligyrophobia
Panic attacks
PTSD
Depression
GAD

Over the years I have been on these drugs:
Librium
Valium
Elavil
Tri Avil (the one that helped)
Wellbutrin
Ativan
Paxil
Zoloft
Lexapro
Fluoxitine
Prozac
Effexor
Seroquel
Celexa

I have never been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Maybe that's what I have?

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I have very few years left in my life.  I do not like how I am feeling every single day now.  There is a woman psychiatrist at the same center where I went before.  I am going to call her today and make an appointment.  

I have no idea what "normal" is because I don't feel I have ever BEEN normal.  I remember being melancholy as a young child.  It's normal to me to be a bit weird, different in my thinking.  I would love to just have THAT feeling back--not this confusing, thinking I am going crazy feeling.

The age old question.  Nature or nurture?  Do I have a chemical imbalance--a physical reason for my emotional problems?  Is it because I felt such rejection from my Daddy?  How could something like that still cause me problems?  At this age!

Does the little hurt girl ever grow up?

I hope it's a physical thing--a chemical imbalance--a brain tumor--anything that would explain the feelings--and can be fixed or at least corrected.  I want answers!!!  This time I am going to get them!!!
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Talk about being obsessive--last night I went to bed at midnight--then something occurred to me.  I got up, turned the computer back on and until four thirty this morning, made up a chart of all the diagnosis above and all the drugs I have taken--a nice, neat Excel chart/report that I will hand to the shrink.  

After she sees it, I am sure she will recommend a lobotomy!!
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These kinds of posts are hard to write.  None of us want to admit that something is wrong with us mentally.  Easier, perhaps, to post that you have heart disease or cancer--then all would sympathize.  Harder to write that you are an emotional mess--then all will say, "Yeah--she's nuts!"

The past couple of weeks, even Dar seems quite normal, compared to what's going on in my head!!!!