Agnes and Frank

Today, I met Agnes.

I have seen Agnes walk by here every morning.  I don't know which lot she lives on, but every day, between 9:00 and 10:00 she walks past here with her sprightly step.

Today I was outside, looking at my gardens and I said, "Hi'.  Worse one word I have ever uttered.

Instead of just a Hi back or a wave, as most people do and keep on walking, she stopped!  She walked up the lawn to where I was trapped standing and she commenced to converse sermonize talk.

You have heard the term "Ratchet Jaw"?  She makes Dar look like a mute!!

"I've got Iris growing too, but you know, my Grandma had beautiful ones, a whole garden, just Iris (breath) my daughter had a really good job, she quit and is going to work for Quicken Loans, she isn't too bright, but (breath) we had to ration everything during the war, everyone had a ration book, I still have mine, it doesn't have any stamps missing, I guess I didn't eat much, because...(breath) we lived on a farm, all us kids had to work in the fields, and if we didn't work, we didn't eat (breath) there were ten of us, we all had to work in the fields, but I'd rather do that then have to help Momma in the house (breath) never did like house work, still don't, but I do it, gotta keep my place clean (breath) my daughter helps, she moved in next door and she comes over to help (breath) we like it here, my grand daughter comes too, she just got out of school, (breath) we used to get out of school later when I was a young girl, middle of June, these kids nowadays, they got it easy, none of them (breath) have to work in the fields."

"Nice talking with you.  Bye", as I edged towards the porch.  She followed me.

"I got four kids, not a one of them has any common sense (breath) probably cause they never had to work hard when they were kids (breath) they should have had to work in the fields like me (breath) like that jack-ass in Washington, no common sense (breath) bet he never had to work in the fields either, hah (breath) I still mow my own lawn, got me one of those little push mowers (breath) lawn looks nice (breath) eighty-two and I still do it all (breath) walk every day, gotta walk every day to stay healthy (breath) keep my mind sharp (breath) my mind is still sharp."
<really?>

"Okay.  Nice to meet you.  I have to go in now."

"All right."  and she started back toward the street.

"Have a nice day," I called out.  (worse four words I ever uttered!)

"That reminds me (as she walks back up the drive) I heard we got those terror people right here in this country (breath) that jack-ass in Washington got no common sense (breath) get them airplanes up in the sky and drop some bombs on that country (breath) just like we did in WW two, that would end them good (breath) I was in school back then I remember (breath) everything rationed sugar, gasoline (breath) we lived on a farm, had plenty, I worked in the fields, all us kids did so we wouldn't starve (breath)........

"I have to go in now, Agnes.  Bye."  and I walked in and shut the door!

I will NEVER go outside my house until I make sure Agnes has passed by on her morning walk!!

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Then of course there's Frank.  I met Frank a couple years ago.

Frank ambles by here everyday.  He's as senile as Agnes.  I would like to introduce them to each other, but they are on opposite sides of the political system. 

Retired, union Ford worker.  Frank likes to go on about the, "Goddam Republicans in Lansing (breath)can't fix a damn pothole to save their ass!(breath) going to take away my pension and Social Security (breath) I buy lottery tickets every other day (breath) gonna win big (breath) take their goddamn money from them (breath) they don't know how to use it anyway (breath) wife up and died last year (breath) cost me all the money I had put away just to put her in the ground (breath) damn Republicans and their big corporations(breath) every damn funeral home is owned by rich Republicans! (breath) every damn big corporation, owned by Republicans (breath) General Motors, all of 'em."  

I made a mistake and said,  "But Frank, if it wasn't for the big corporation of Ford Motors, you wouldn't have had a good job and a nice pension."

He looked at me, as if I had grown horns.....

"Hell yes I wouldve.  Worked for the union, union got me the job and good pension, goddamn Ford Motors dint have nuthin' to do with it, union, yep, union (breath) worked that assembly line for thirty years, I did (breath) union, yep, union (breath) Ford Motors dint have a damn thing to do with it." 

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Can I please move back out to the farm country where all the neighbor's are normal?  PLEASE!!!

This noon, I went up to Subway to get lunch.  When I walked in, a young lady was waiting behind the counter.  She looked like perhaps a high school graduate in her job for college.

I was feeling silly, so I said, "Do you know where I can find a Spicy Italian...six feet three inches tall, with lots of money?"

Blank look on the girl. She didn't expect me to say that, so of course, she was stymied.  

I waited...1 Mississippi.  2 Mississippi.  3 Mississippi. 4.....

She had no clue..."Ah....Er...we have Spicy Italian subs here."

"Okay, I'll have one of those."

I know she was new because she took a very long time and when it came to the veggies on it?  I could see her lips move as she counted out, precisely 6 tomato and cucumber slices onto the sub.

Sweet young thing--kids today don't catch on to my humor.  My kids friends would have known and quipped right back.  Maybe kids today are so immersed in their electronics they have forgotten how to jibe back and forth?

Or---maybe I'm just weird in my humor?