SIGH!

From: Karen Rivard
Sent: Monday, January 25, 2016 5:00 PM
To: Mom
Subject: yesterday...

Hey Mom, I just wanted to write and apologize for yesterday.

I wasn't sure what the schedule was for yesterday, but on Saturday Jen had arranged with Cindy to bring Mark down to celebrate both Christmas with her and also Mark's birthday.  I thought they would be coming down for dinner, but I wasn't sure about the details (I only saw Jen briefly on Saturday before going to bed before 6:30 p.m.)  I wasn't sure if anyone had invited you.  When you dropped by my house unannounced I wasn't sure what was going on.

You remember what happened when I invited you the day after Thanksgiving-Jen didn't come.  That's not the only time she backed out of an event because you were going to be there.  It's not in my head to figure that out.  That's business between you and her.  

What I do not like is being in the middle of all this mess.  Dinner yesterday was at my house because Jen is living with us.  The dinner was her idea which I agreed to.  Beyond that I was out of the loop (being in Europe last week). 

I feel sad that you felt you had to leave yesterday.  That is not something I would ask you to do.  I'm sorry that the situation is still very uncomfortable (at least for me), painful, and awkward.

I hope you can forgive me for not knowing what to do when put in such difficult situations like yesterday.

I hope that in the future you can communicate with Jen and Mark directly by calling them if you have a question for them.  You can also call me at anytime, and it would probably be best to give me a quick call before you drop over so I know you are coming.

Take care,

Love, Karen

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My reply:

Oh Sweetheart---There was no problem yesterday, at least none I was aware of.

Jen and I had talked on Monday and she said she thought the kids were coming in for the weekend, and maybe I could see them.

She and I had a really nice talk yesterday out in the kitchen and she told me all about her “commuting” plans for the future.  I don’t think she and I have a problem anymore, at least she doesn’t act like it and hugged and kissed me good-bye.

I left because I figured you kids were getting together for your Christmas or Mark’s birthday and thought that was very cool.  So happy that my kids still like each other enough to get together.

I was just glad I got to see ALL my kids together at one time.

I was tired all day anyway and sleepy enough to want to come home.

I didn’t feel I HAD to leave, or was forced to leave.
I was getting ready to leave  when they all started coming in.

If you had asked me to stay, I would have excused myself anyway.  J

I hope my brief presence didn’t cause discomfort to anyone.

I drove home with a big smile on my face because I had gotten to see you all, PLUS Evan!!

YAY!

Love you, Mom

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So, even when there is no problem, there is a problem?
We are all so afraid of stepping on each others toes that we can't even be normal.  Sad.
I hope my reply to her e-mail helped--who knows

Weekend

Last Friday, I took off early and went up to The Farm. 

 As I turned onto the road I was born on, five miles from The Farm, I was lost in my memory.  Almost every half mile along those five miles is a memory. 

 The house my best friend was raised in and just up the road, the house where my second best friend lived.  Another half mile and the big dip in the road, where a deer once came out of the ditch and actually jumped OVER my car.  

The next mile, houses of people I went to school with--bus stops at each of those homes.  The place where Pam had her near fatal accident the night before her 18th birthday.  The corner where I could turn, if I wanted to visit the cemetery--then the house where I raised my kids, the woods I played in and where I wanted to build my little retirement-dream house.  The corner and I look to the farm where my son lives and see his truck is gone, so I know he is well enough to be...somewhere and then turn and there is The Farm.

I took the Queen Size blanket I have been crocheting for Chris.  I wanted to try it on Susie's queen size bed to see if it was correct width/length and...it was.

Then I went through that door, on the right, and saw the progress they are making on their dressing room/bathroom.  It is going to be very nice.

We chatted a bit while we both crocheted, then lunch with Chuck, then the three of us played the USA version of "Ticket To Ride", then Susie and I played a game of "Upwords" and then it was time for me to leave so............I could stop in and see Pammie, just before she left for work.  I was home by 4:30, long before dark.

All day Saturday, I stayed in and knitted/crocheted while I watched a couple of basketball games.  Both Michigan teams won.  I was real concerned about Mark and Karen, flying home from Rome and Jennifer's husband and kids--driving here from New Jersey.  So much snow on the East Coast.  I didn't see any FB postings that Karen and Mark arrived home, but I figured, no news is good news.  If their plane had crashed, it certainly would have been on the News.

I woke up this morning feeling like I had been dragged through a knothole, backwards.  My head felt full and heavy and my eyes didn't seem to want to focus very well.  At noon, I got a "nudge" and made a HUGE decision.

I decided that if I wanted to know what was going on and get a chance to see Jen's kids, I would just drive on down to Karen and Marks--where everyone is staying.  So--I did!

Karen and Mark had a direct 13hour flight home from Rome to Detroit, no stop-over at JFK, so they missed all the snow.  Eric and the kids left NJ early Friday morning, so they got outta there before the storm.

Eric was in the garage, working on his truck.  Jennifer had taken Elise to stay overnight with a friend and Andrew and Alex had stayed in NJ.  Little Guy Evan had spent the overnight with Pammie, and wasn't there.

I stepped out into the garage and had a nice chat with Eric.  He was captive in the closed up garage and couldn't escape talking with me.  Banal, how's everything going, kind of chat.

Karen and I talked for awhile and she didn't offer anything about when Pammie would bring Little Guy back or when Jen would get back.  We talked about her trip.

All of a sudden, I heard voices and in walked my son Mark and Cindy.  Then Pammie came in with Evan, followed closely behind by Jennifer with an arm load of food.  Apparently they were going to have a Siblings get together and a nice supper.

I got to talk to all of them for a few minutes, then out in the kitchen with Jen.  She has acquired a terrific situation with the law firm she is with here in Michigan.  She is going to commute!!!??

They have given her a car and some kind of plane ticket where she can get a flight from NJ to Michigan anytime she wants/needs, PLUS a raise in pay.  She has a meeting on February 3 and the 12th.  She will be staying at Karen's while she is here.  They don't want to lose her expertise in Non-Profit Fund knowledge AND she will also be in contact with their side partner in Manhattan.

<So--let me see.  The reason they were moving was so Eric would work and support the family and Jennifer would stay home and be Momma.  Hm-mm.>

They found out Thursday, they have been approved to build on the lot they found, so when Eric gets back, he is going to meet with the contractor's and get things going.  He has yet to start working with his father in ANY of the offices in NJ or New York.
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It was nice to see all my kids together.  I know they have been trying to put some sort of gathering since before Jen moved.  Today was to celebrate Mark's birthday, last Sunday.

I hugged and kissed them all and left with a smile on my face.  I didn't want to interrupt their get together and... no one had suggested I stay.  LOL

It is still difficult for me to get used to the idea that at one time, I was the center of their world and now...barely tolerated.

I am just thankful for any scraps I can get and am glad that today--I answered a God Whisper and drove on down to Karen's.

Never Much of a Fad Follower..........

Adult coloring books are the newest fad.  Intricate designs and lovely coloring pencils.  "They" say it is a great way to relax.  I'll just bet my sister would love them.  

Me?  

Not so much.  It wouldn't be relaxing for me!  Can you imagine--me with my "perfectionist" personality and my shaky right "coloring" hand?  GOOD GRIEF!!!  I'd probably have a nervous breakdown!

Years ago, a friend wanted me to take a cake decorating class.  "It will be fun," she said.  "Think of all the money we will save, making our own cakes for family parties."

Fun?  Out of two dozen pink roses, I may have made one that actually looked like a rose.  The rest looked like some sort of pink puff-ball flower unknown to botanists.

Save money?  By the time she purchased all the pans, supplies, flower pins, on and on, I could have ordered birthday cakes for all my kids for the rest of their lives, and spent less.  So--I ordered them from her--to help pay for her decorating supplies.

I am not into intricate!  Well--I am, but not the above kind.

I can sit for hours, cross stitching.  These take three months to make: 

or these baby crib quilts

Or crocheting.  I am almost done with the Queen Sized blanket.

Or testing a new, knitted intricate design for Chris.

To me--this is fun.  Cake decorating is tedious.  Coloring would be nerve wracking.   

Maybe it's because with the X-stitch, crochet, knitting, I can sit in my recliner, feet up, cats snuggled in and listen to the TV and just get something done while being lazy? That's probably it.  

============================

Today is my grandson Stephen--Karen's 4th child, 22nd birthday.  Like Helene and Marcus (Susanna and Maddie had no interest), his goal was to grow taller than Gramma.  Helene is as tall, Marcus is 6'2" and Stephen made it!!  6'4" and still growing.  

Now, in his Senior year at Michigan State, and going into Medical School next fall.  Who would have ever imagined!

 10 years old              

13th birthday--still chubby

Christmas       16th year

Karen has a tape on the wall to measure the kids.

The highest mark on the tape was my height.

Stephen passed it on his 16th birthday.

Eagle Scout--17 years old

High School Graduation               

Freshman year at MSU.

ESPN showed him to the world!

YIKES!!

2015--Tall and lean and handsome as can be

...and the most important--polite, considerate, nice, compassionate, conservative, Catholic man--because, after all--he is Karen's child!

Fiddle Dee Dee

Cold, but sunny each day this week.  

The spurt of energy and the lifting of the depression I felt last week...lasted two days.  That's it.

I have absolutely NO motivation to do anything.  I go to bed at Midnight and if I don't set my alarm, I sleep until 10:30.  I'm tired.  Just tired.  Not physically tired, that would be impossible because I do nothing, but I suppose emotionally tired?

So many people I know have had the NASTY BUG!  The cold/flu, whatever it is, where they feel so miserable for weeks, then the cough for more weeks and then the awful tiredness.  I don't have that excuse.

I am NOT going to the Old School Gal Pals luncheon tomorrow.  #1--it is being held in a place some distance from here.  #2-it is being held in a really (to me) deplorable restaurant in a small, caution light only, town.  #3-my 2nd ex occasionally eats lunch there and although it would probably perk me up to see him and stare darts at him or go over and introduce myself to his now wife with a, "Hi.  I'm Judy.  Don's fourth wife--I think fourth.  Aren't you his seventh?"  I just don't have the energy after all that to come home and spend the rest of the day on my knees, asking God to forgive me for my nastiness.

I AM going up to The Farm on Friday, to have lunch and spend the afternoon with my Lil' Sis.  We shall play a game and it will be a great day.

Other than that?  I am the most boring person I know

Tonight, I have determination to get up in the morning and clean up this place, dust and vacuum and wash my bedding.

Tomorrow morning, that determination may be buried, along with the junk in the corner of my bedroom.

I almost wish I were on the East Coast where I could get excited about the expected blizzard.  At least, that would be something.

Yawn!  

Very Nice

Jen, Helene and Maddie picked me up at 7:30.  It was snowing like crazy and so we just went up the road about half a mile to a plain, regular restaurant.

Were we in for a surprise!!

The restaurant, taken over by new owners two weeks ago.  Going to be an Italian restaurant.  We were the only customers.  The owner came out and served us.  A true Italian.  Flirtatious, New Yorker.

My grand girls didn't know what they wanted, nor did Jen so he said, "Let me make you a pasta dish.  A real Italian pasta dish."  They all agreed--I had Shrimp.

Out he came from the kitchen and with a flourish he sat the large pastas dishes in front of them.  They took a taste and all three looked like they had been transported to Heaven!!!  Apparently it was so good.  Jennifer was jabbering to him in Italian and making all sorts of hand gestures.  His face just lit up.

Good grief!  You would have thought we were in Italy, the way they all went on.  Even my grand girls know some Italian words.  Helene and Maddie have been to Italy, Jennifer has traveled all over Europe.  I sat there, dumb like the plain, old farm girl I am.

I don't care for white sauce or chicken and that is what the pasta dish consisted of.  He said that he wanted to make me a pasta dish with Marsala sauce, but I was busily munching on my over fried Shrimp, so I declined.

Oh my!  He was gorgeous--with his really tanned skin, big brown eyes, dark hair with gray around the edges and accent!!  Be still my heart.  Jennifer asked him if he and his family were moving here.  He said, "My children are all grown and I am divorced."  She nudged my foot under the table.  Good Grief!  He probably is in his sixties.  

I hope he does well with this restaurant, but I doubt it.  There is another Italian restaurant in Brighton that everyone goes too.  It WAS good 15 years ago, but now you need a steak knife to cut the Lasagna, it is so rubbery.  But, you know how people are.  They will keep going to a restaurant just because it's been in town so long--even if the food is no longer all that great.  We are such Provincials!!

Jennifer said the kids have adjusted to the move better than she has.  She still misses her "home".  Apparently the area they are building their home in is quite upscale--Union Township--out in the country a bit, but with excellent schools.  12-15 students in each class room.  

Andrew is in the accelerated class, Elise has already been invited to a birthday party.  Alex has made 10 friends and of course, Little Boy Evan doesn't care--except he cries a lot because he misses Aunt Pammie.

It was a lovely couple of hours tonight.

2016 Might be a decent year after all-----

E-Mail from Jennifer:
"Hey Mom -- I'm taking Helene and Maddie out to dinner on Monday.  Would you like to join us?  It may be 6'ish --I have to check everyone's schedules, if that isn't too late for you.  We can pick you up, and you can decide where we go.  Thx."

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Ups and Downs

One thing about life.  It is in a continual flux of change.  

You are up one day and the next, you could be out on the street.  Feeling great one day, die in your sleep that night.  Feeling healthy as a horse on a Friday, cancer diagnosis on the next Monday.  

The only thing that doesn't change in life, is change.  The only constant in life, is change.

I have two "friends" that died in their sleep on Christmas Eve morning.  Hard on the family, easy for the deceased.  Apparently, neither one had been or was sick.  Pam had seen one of them the day before in the store.

Another friend, worried about her brother, with the cancer diagnosis.  Surgery and the doctor's "think" they got it all.  Which no doubt they did, but they never give you a 100% guarantee, because one teeny, tiny little cell could have gotten loose and...........................but we rejoice and Praise God because, right now--at this particular time--all is well.

A neighbor up the street, Sheila's mother is dying from what my own mother died from.  I have never known anyone that had the same (non) diagnosis, the same treatment (none), the same--whatever.  

Years ago, my doctor told me that if we had CT scans and MRI's back in 1970, they could have pinpointed my mother's disease and helped her.  Now, that is weird because Sheila's mother has the same thing, even with all the tests, they can't do a thing to help her.  They have NO idea why her bone marrow won't make red blood cells.  It isn't Leukemia, cancer--nothing.  They don't know what it is or why.

My own son, is feeling well.  The infusion he gets every six weeks has not made him sick or weak.  He has lost none of his hair.  His PSA numbers are nearly what normal would be.  But--next week, it could all change.

We just never know and I think that knowledge comes to us the older we get.  It could be us--any day.  How do we get philosophical about that?  How do we come to terms?  I guess we just keep ourselves from thinking about it.
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So--a week ago today, I was trying not to pass out in the Wal-Mart store.  For months and months, I have had no motivation to do one dang thing!!  A quick vacuum. Once every couple of months, run the dust cloth.

Things get set out on the kitchen counter tops.  Stains occur.  Whatever.  It matters not to this once, organized, tidy person.

Today, I was sitting in my recliner, minding my own business, my Soap just over and all of a sudden, this weird sensation hit me.  I HAD to get up and clean the kitchen.  So, I did.  For two hours, I cleaned and scrubbed and bleached out the stains and then noticed that my big mirror was all streaky so I Windexed it and then my two glass lamps, and vacuumed the whole house.  Moved the heavy cat's table for looking out the window, from my bedroom to my living room.

I was filled with such energy and such a light heart.  It reminded me of how I felt last spring.  I was alive and life was wonderful!!  I have been in depression since September and I "think" today, it might be lifting!!

Now, we won't know until we see how we feel tomorrow and the next day and the next, but.....wouldn't THIS change be nice?