It Is The Best of Days--It is the Worse of Days

My 4^th Sadiversary, since Fred passed.  He was such a good man.  I have known other, what I thought were good men, but in all those relationships, there was always emotional or physical hurt and betrayal. 

Fred was the first man who truly loved me with no conditions expected.  He was honest, loyal, kind and caring to me.  We were so alike in everything, even our pasts were alike.  We were an extension of each other. The same mind, thought and heart in two separate bodies.  He often said, we were like twins. His total acceptance of who I was, gave me self-confidence and self-esteem I had rarely felt in my entire life. 

Fred and I had talked of it often.  I was 65, he 61, when we met.  We both had given up ever finding love again.  We both felt that even if we only had five years together,  we would be grateful. 

Seven years and not one single disagreement.  We had learned, “not to sweat the small stuff”.  Whatever he wanted to do was fine with me.  Whatever I wanted to do, was fine with him.  We were just content to be with each other, day by day.

With a hug and a kiss, his last words to me were, “I love you, Honey.  See ya in a little while.”  I stepped out of his hospital room, so "they" could do their "test" on him.  15 minutes later, he was gone.

10:51 am  1/1/2012

Friends thought I was in complete shock and denial because I didn’t “grieve” like I was supposed to.  It was because all I could think of was how grateful I was for the years we had together.  

As I drove home from the hospital, every time I thought of him, on that day, and every time since, for the last four years, I just smile.  

Sure, I miss him, I am incredibly lonely, but God brought us together in February 2003, and both of us knew that.  

There is no earthly way we should have ever met.  He was the very best man I have ever known.

I am so very thankful.

Yes--I Like College Football

What a Dream Week for Moi!!!  

Look at Thursday.  One right after the other on the same channel.  11 hours of Bowl Games.  

Friday looks like I might have to use the "clicker" to keep track, but it's all good.  

Can you imagine the amount of crochet I will get done?

and just in case you forgot:

For those of you that don't know what this means:  We play Alabama--they are called the Crimson TIDE.  So------Tides come and go---Spartans are forever!!!  They are favored by 10 points, so we gotta play tough and beat them.  

Another reason we hate them?  Their Coach was once our Coach and he left in mid-season to go to Louisiana for bigger money.  ASSHAT!!!

Is Counseling Free On Sundays?

I watched my Sunday morning programs--2--Dr. David Jeremiah and Bobby Schuller, then started to clean up this house.  

I started in the bedroom, as I always do and worked my way toward the front--dusting, vacuuming, mopping the kitchen floor, onto the living room and last of all--this messy room.

I was doing fine in the bedroom and bathroom, vacuuming the kitchen floor to get ready for the mop and there was a knock at my door.  It was Maisey and the guy who walks her--John.

"Did you have a nice Christmas?" I asked.

"No!  My youngest son was there...he lives nearby, but I never see him.  He and his mother got into it and then he got mad at me and so...I left!"

"You were at your ex-wife's for Christmas?"

"Yes--we and the kids always celebrate together."

"But--you are divorced and you said she hates you and you don't much like her.  Why would you go over there?  Especially on Christmas Day?

"Always have.  Even when I was married to Wife Two--we went and she was married to Husband Two.  There's usually a fight about something.  This year, my son had a few beers and got mouthy."

"Hm-mm."

John left after an hour.

I got the kitchen floor mopped and was dusting and vacuuming the living room and in walked Dar.

"Did you have a nice Christmas?" I asked.

"It was awful!  My brother's Mike and Terry were drinking and they got into it and then my sister-in-law Mary said something really snide, so I left and came home."

"Did you say anything before you left, or did you just sneak out?"

"Oh no.  I told them all what I think of them and then I left." 

Then she lapsed into an account of the "really expensive gifts my Daddy got me", and the "very costly oil painting my favorite sister-in-law Pat got me", and...............................

She was here ninety minutes.  Did she ever asked how my Christmas was?  Of course not!

Back to vacuuming and another opening of my door.  It was Merle.  He had been out walking.

"Just stopped in to tell you Happy New Year and get a hug."  
<arggh>

A brief--very brief sideways hug--"Did you hear?  I have Parkinson's.  I got the diagnosis last week."

"Yes, I heard that.  Well, at least you now know and can take pills to manage it."

"Yep."

"How do you feel?"

"Pretty good, but....those pills are ruining my sex life."  and out the door he went.
<arggh>

After that encounter, I felt like taking a shower, but it was four o'clock by then and we have a snow/ice storm coming in tomorrow and I had half a bottle of Diet Pepsi left and one cup milk, so I jumped in the car and ran up to the little store and paid twice as much as I would have at Wal-Mart to get my much needed supplies.  :-)

On the way home, I stopped in at Merle and Pearl's.  He was in the bedroom watching the football game, and didn't come out (thank goodness).

I sat down in the living room with her.

"Did you have a nice Christmas?" I asked.

"It was okay.  I took a pie and only one piece was eaten.  No one sat down and talked with me.  I just sat there and listened and had no conversation.  My son had a few too many beers and he and Merle got into an argument, so we came home early."

"Oh!  I'm sorry"

"How was your Christmas?  You went to Pam's, right?"

"Yes.  It was............ah.........nice."

"No arguments?"

"Nope."

Now--when I got home and as I was thinking while I finished up vacuuming the living room,  what is the common denominator in all three of these people's unpleasant Christmas family get-togethers?

Alcohol!

Of course, there were built-in tensions before any of them got together, but the added alcohol just made people get all mouthy and caused hard(er) feelings. 

So glad my family just drinks coffee, juice or soda.  :-)

Consequently with all my interruptions, I have yet to get this messy den/computer/whatever room dusted and vacuumed and stuff put away.

Oh well--there's always Monday.  :-).
=================
Susan and I on a very warm Christmas Day.  Screen door is open.

No Expectations

The trick is...go in not expecting anything.  Just go with the flow.  Have no anticipation, other than that YOU are going to enjoy the day, no matter what.

Riding out to Pam's with Karen and part of her family, I mainly kept quiet, listened to the conversation going on around me and answered when a question was directed to me.  I did break into "Over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house", about half a mile from Pam's, because to Karen and me, it WAS grandmother's house and when she was little and all of us in the car, we'd sing that on the way to this very same house.

Then the kids starting singing it with, "to Aunt Pammie's house we go.", which was perfect.

As I walked into the living room, my son immediately got out of his chair and came to give me a hug.  That was not expected.  He usually sits and waits for me to go to him.  I think perhaps, when you come to the full realization of your own mortality, it changes you.  He seemed to be much more invested in the family festivities, than he has other years past.

On occasions like this, our family doesn't talk of unpleasant things.  There is no gossip.  There are no snide remarks.  If you sit very quietly and listen--there is a constant undertone of giggles coming from all over the house.  Someone is always laughing--always.

I heard my sister and Karen giggling out in the kitchen.  I heard my grand daughter Helene giggling with her sister over on the other side of the living room.  Pam and Cindy were giggling out in the dining room.  My SonIL and his two boys, giggling, while they were laying under the table, trying to get the puppy to sleep and I even heard my son (who never giggles) talking with his young niece Maddie and laughing.

I just sat and listened and smiled and tried not to let the moisture in my eyes, creep down my face.

It was all so perfect and wonderful.  Even though Jennifer's family was missing, as my sister said yesterday, "There wasn't enough room for seven more young kids running around anyway." (Her son's family also not present).   Not the way I would have looked at it because there is always room for that, in my opinion, but.................  
==========================
Susan and Chuck came down Christmas Day and we had a good time.  We played three games of "Skip Bo"--a card game and one I had never played, thus I won all three games.

With just the three of us, we COULD talk of matters--Jennifer's moving, Susan's daughter-in-law INSISTING they go on a cruise (the 3rd this year) at Christmas time because, she loves cruises because she sits by the pool all the time and makes lets her husband take care of the kids.  They are not allowed to bother her during the day.  They do have supper together.

So yes--Susan and Chuck and I had our gossip then, while playing cards, but, it too was a wonderful time.  I have noticed that as my sister ages, her always happy attitude is waning.  She does have her cranky moments--quite often.  She has become critical of others.  I think perhaps, her moving to The Farm has been a disappointment.  It HAD to be.  She had planned this move for 20 years.  I doubt it has lived up to her anticipation and expectations.

I had the front screen door open most of Christmas Day.  It was 53, sunny and quite warm inside.  Chuck took a picture of Susan and me, on my porch, in back of the Christmas wreath, clad in our light weight tops with sleeves pushed up.

Today--it is cold and bleak.  I have no expectations.  Day by Day--whatever comes.  

It is "boxing" day.  To me that means, Christmas decorations are boxed up and put away.  Only the last decade have I done this, but.....I like a nice, clean, neat house to usher in a clean, neat New Year.

It Was a Wonderful Time

Christmas Eve at my house Pam's house.  Everyone that mattered was there.  I got to meet my first great grand Pup.  He is adorable and got passed around just like a new baby would.  His name is Ruppert--I think named by my oldest grand daughter, Helene's new boyfriend, who I can barely stand.  He's so arrogant and fake!!!  He won't greet you  or talk to you unless you address him personally. He rarely smiles, but when a camera is turned his way, breaks out in a big toothy grin.

The genealogy books were a hit as were the girls slippers and boys spaghetti sauce and.................My son said, "I love you, Mom".  The first time since he was a little boy!!
===========================

Pam's bottle tree, with clear lights inside each bottle and along the limbs.

My The long living room--large dining room off to the right.

View from windows on the left?

Two fields and the woods

My sister and Chuck

Oldest grand daughter and my 8 week old great grand pup

 Marcus& Stephen

My son-in-law and the boys napping under the table with the pup

My son Mark and his fiance', Cindy.

                                       The Queen Size quilt Karen made for her brother.

Cindy, Karen, Moi, Pam and Karen's husband Mark
My Mark in the chair

 Helene, Marcus, Suzanne, Stephen                           

Helene's boyfriend, Mike (bleck), Moi and Madeleine       

Sitting in the rocker I rocked all my babies in. :-)

....and There She Was............

all day on the Winter Solstice thinking it was Tuesday.  Rushing to the store.  Rushing to another store in a different city.  Rushing home.  

At 6:00, she realized it was Monday and it was kind of nice.  Not nice the realization that most probably she is in the early stages of senility, but the realization she had a whole day that she hadn't counted on at 9:00 that morning!

She bravely took on the massive traffic flow going to the Wal-Mart to get the needed ingredients for Mississippi Mud Brownies and Nacho Dip and looking for an extra box to wrap her family tree book in, for her sister.  

She had a lovely encounter, while in the stationary aisle.  She noticed a woman, standing by her cart, looking perplexed.  "May I help you?"

The lady said, "I am trying to find mailing labels--the kind that stick to the package."

"I know right where they are," she said as she led the lady around the corner, two aisles over.  "All sizes.  Did you want two by four shipping labels?  Here's a whole pack."

"No.  Those are for printing on a computer.  I just want the single ones that I can write on "to" and put my return address on."

She looked and reached forward to remove a single package from the upper holder. "Like these?"  she asked.  "There's only one pack left."

The lady took the pack and said, "I hate people that do this, but................" as she opened the package.  "Yes!!  Exactly what I wanted.  Thank you so much!  You saved my Christmas."

"Yay!" she said as she smiled.  and they both wished each other a Merry Christmas as they went in different directions.

She found everything she needed and headed to the check-out line.  

"That will be sixty one dollars and forty-two cents," said the nice cashier.

She dipped into her wallet and pulled out her S.N.A.P. card and said, "There is sixteen dollars on here," as she punched in her PIN.  

"Forty five dollars and forty-two cents," said the cashier.

She pulled out her Wal-Mart bucks card, "I don't know how much is on here...but let's see," she said as she punched in her PIN.

"Six dollars and forty-two cents left," said the cashier.

"I can handle that, she said, as she inserted her bank debit card and punched in her PIN.

When she got home, she backed her car in, as close to the porch steps as she could get and carried in her groceries.

As she sat down to rest her weary back, the phone rang and it was her friend and neighbor.

"I was just thinking of you," she said.  "I need to get up to your place for a visit."

"Merle has a diagnosis.  He does have Parkinson's.  The specialist said the minute he saw Merle get up and walk, he knew right away."

"I guess we thought it might be that, didn't we?"

"Yes.  We are all so glad and even happy that we finally know what is wrong with him!"

"Always good to know, I guess.  Is he on medicine for it now?"

"Yes.  He takes four pills a day.  The doctor said he would see improvement within a day.  It took two days, but he can walk better already and his right hand has stopped shaking."

"YAY!  she said.  "That is wonderful.  Merry Christmas!"

"What is going on with you?"  asked her neighbor.

So she told her neighbor.

"Not even a damned good-bye?"

"Nope."  and she could feel the tears starting again.

"Well, I went though that for two years with my oldest daughter.  I still don't know what I said or did that made her so angry at me.  Her sister told her to 'get over it'.  Mom won't be around forever, treat her with respect, no matter what."

"I do know what I did.  It is all my fault."

"Yes....but after three years?  I don't know what to tell you, but it isn't over.  You'll see her again."

"Maybe...at my funeral...all my kids with be with me.  Maybe then is when I can manage to get them all together and with me."

"Well, if I'm there, I am going to give everyone of them a good tongue lashing!"

She laughed and said, "Thanks!  Wish I could see that!"

Then she made herself supper.  A toasted cheese sandwich and a glass of milk to dunk it in.  She realized she hadn't had a toasted cheese sandwich in quite a few years.  It felt very comforting in her tummy.  She needs to eat more and better.  She can slip her jeans off without unbuttoning them.

==================

and today, when she woke up and realized it was her "extra day, she wrapped presents and put some in a nice big box to, one day, ship to New Jersey.

and she watched the cute little squirrels, at her feeder.

and she started getting her pans and ingredients out to start baking tomorrow, because on Thursday, she will celebrate Christmas with her three children, her five grandchildren, her sister and brother-in-law and she will be very, very thankful.

Karma

I do not believe in Karma!  Friends on Face Book claiming Karma will get people who have done bad things, and apparently got away with it.  "Karma is a Bitch."  or "Karma will get them."

Nonsense!  

I know quite a few people who were hurtful, spiteful, emotionally and physically abusive to others and went on to live a long, seemingly happy life.  As far as I witnessed, Karma didn't touch them.  Oh, they may face a harsh judgement when they face God, but while they lived, Karma seemed to bless them.  

Thinking of my second husband.  Married 7 times.  Physically abused some of his wives and emotionally abused all of them.  I have met 4 of them.  We all agreed.  He is now 85 years old. The picture of health.  Not a problem in this world.

What about my own father?  He lived a wonderful life, for 92 years.  Died a rich man and everyone in the community thought he was the most wonderful man they ever knew.  Yet he abused me terribly and my little sister to a lesser degree.
====================

I digress--This late morning, my Dear Friend Beth called me to say, she and her husband were going shopping at a nearby mall and would it be all right if she stopped in?  She said she had a gift for me and the cats.  Of course, I was so happy to be able to see her.

Shortly after she called, I had to call Pam to ask her a question about Christmas Eve.  She answered and as per normal, I said, "Whatcha up too?"

"Helping Jennifer."

"Oh.  Helping her with the kids?"

"No.  Helping her pack and load stuff into the moving van."

"Are they moving to an apartment around here?"

"Nope.  They sign the papers tomorrow morning and then are leaving for a hotel in New Jersey."

"Hotel.....in......New Jersey?"

"Yup.  Until they can find a house to rent in the school district they want the kids to start in, in January.  Renting until they can find a house or build one."

"Oh."

"What can I do for you?"

"Ah.  I.     Ah, is Cindy's son coming Christmas Eve?"

"I don't think so."

"Okay."

"It's a madhouse here.  I gotta go."

"Okay.  Please tell Jennifer....and Eric, and the kids that.............I wish them well on this new chapter in their lives and..............I........pray they have a safe trip."

"Okay.  Will do.  Love you Momma.  Bye."
==========================
Gone.

Just like that.

Without even a goodbye, from my youngest child.

Without even being able to hug the little kids goodbye or give them their Christmas presents.


I do not cry!  I will not cry!  I can't do anything about it and crying won't help.

I cried.

By the time Beth got here, I was pretty much okay, and told her.  She was a bit angry, I could tell.  She didn't smother me with emotions or words.  I looked at the gifts she had brought us.  A huge bag of my cats favorite dry cat food and a nice gift card for me.  So sweet of her.

I was kinda glad she was ticked off with Jennifer, anyway.

She knows me--we have known each other for 70 years now.  She knows if she covered me with sympathy, I'd lose it for sure.  We aren't like that.  None of our friends are like that.  Even my sister wouldn't be like that.

We are strong, stoic people and we know, if we "Ooh" and "Ahh" and start in with the , "I'm so sorry(s)". the affected person would feel worse and might cry and then we'd all cry and for some reason........we don't allow that.

When Beth and I went to the hospital/hospice to see Arlene, we both knew it probably would be our last time to see her alive.  What did we do?  We talked about everything else.  We joked and laughed.  There was the Grim Reaper standing in the corner of her room, and we ignored the bastard.  My last words to my best friend?  "I love you.  See ya later."  and blithely walked out the door, down the elevator and to the car.  Then Beth sat in the car for a few minutes, breathed and knew--"We won't see her again, will we."  "No. I don't think we will."

I don't know.  I think there is probably something wrong with all of us.  I have to always keep a stiff upper lip, no matter what.  As do my friends, family and most people I know--except Dar.  Maybe she is healthier than all of us!!!  Go into total meltdown and become a screaming hysteric!
========================
Now, I know some of you will call this a coincidence, but I don't.  I was sitting in my chair, just flipping through TV programs, clicked on one, didn't notice what it was and got up to go to the bathroom.

When I came back in and sat down, there was a pastor---talking about the Peace Jesus brings to us.  He went on to talk about this time of year and how hard it is when family members can't get home, or there is a divide in the family, or someone tragically dies at this time of year.

My ears pricked up.  I think God sent me this program!

Now, I know that I know that I know--that I believe there is so much I can't do a thing about.  This whole thing with Jennifer is like that.  I have apologized.  I have asked her forgiveness.  On the 5 occasions I have seen her in the last 3 years, I have been cordial, nice and when parting, have hugged her and told her I loved her.  There really is no way I can control her feelings.

The only thing I CAN do, is pray to Jesus to bless her and her life, and give my heart ache to God.

I will do that to find peace for myself.  We all need peace.

I know that I know that I know, someday, when it is the right time, it will all be all right.  God will soften her heart, in some way, and it will all be all right.
===============





If there is such a thing as Karma, I cannot for the life of me figure out what horrible thing I did to make "it" come down so hard on my life!