Every Rung Goes Higher, Higher

Today's high temperature was: 36

Wind, rolling grey clouds--not one peek of sun.

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My ladder is progressing.

Boy did we have some bad storms!  The worst storms we have had (for the entire state) in 10 years.  Not as bad as Indiana, Illinois and Ohio--such devastation and at this time of year.  Weird.  My sister said, "When the storm hit it was a like a blanket descended over the house--we couldn't see out of any window and the wind howled like a train!  I can't believe the 150 year old outhouse is still standing!"  Their house is on a small hill and with no wind breaks to the west of them, only open fields.  But, the house (along with the out house) has stood for over 150 years, so no 75 mph wind is going to take her down!!

We got lots of slanted rain here and 50 mph wind gusts with 40 mph straight line winds.  My house is built to withstand 110 mph winds, plus I have the added wind break of the house west of me and the woods south of me.  My lawn has a lot of leaves on it again, but they will just have to stay.  None of my bags blew over or away and will be picked up tomorrow.

My Michigan State Spartan basketball game is now rated #1 in the country.  A long time since that has happened and the football team beat Nebraska and we are like 6-0--perhaps a Rose Bowl visit this coming New Year's Day?  We have to get past Minnesota first!

I have wanted an electric fireplace for a few years now--actually since I moved in here and look what I found--just what I need.  Combination fireplace and media center--which would sit where my entertainment center is now.

It would sit flat against the wall, across from my chair

taking the place of the entertainment center

which I am increasingly sick to death of!

It however costs, $629 and then I would also have to buy the insert with the fake flames and all for another $150.  Then I would have to get someone to put it together and move the TV and all the components out of the one I have and get them hooked up correctly and...and......well, let's just say, I will go on "wanting" for quite a while.

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I am building my ladder, rung-by-rung and gaining a bit of ground.  I still cannot see the top of the pit, but I know there is top edge and I will get there.  It is just, first thing in the morning, I think about Jen and it makes a squiggly kind of feeling in my stomach.

Today, I cleaned the bedroom, washer and dryer area, bathroom and then mopped the kitchen floor, dusted everything and as long as I was dusting, decided to take all the stuff of where I want my Christmas nativities, Santas and other stuff to go.  It all looks very clean and bare--I kind of like the uncluttered look!  While moving things in the kitchen, I found all 6 of Maggies, little mousies and so she is very happy.  All Buddy did was complain all the time because I had the cat food and water dish sitting in the living room so I could mop.

I have let Fred go back to resting in peace (whatever that means).  Every night, I still hear him say, "Night. Night.  Don't let the bed bugs bite"--whatever that meant.  That nightly saying use to rile me a bit, but then he'd say, "I love you, Sweetheart. See you on the other side of midnight.", and that kind of made up for it.  When he could no longer lay on  his right side, so I could snuggle up behind him, and had to lay on his back, with his breathing machine, I would roll over on my right side, bend my knee so it touched his thigh, and hold his left thumb until I went to sleep.  Now, I just pet big Buddy's soft fur until he lays his head on my hand and we go off to sleep.

See you tomorrow--it promises to be sunny and in the 40's.

Spaghetti Sauce

Today's high temperature was: 61

Rainy in the a.m.

Bad storms rolled through--quite a bit of damage with 75 mph winds--all safe here.

Now--40 mph consistent winds with 50 mph gusts.

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This is how the spaghetti sauce recipe reads.  I got it in 1978 from my dear little 4'11" Italian friend, Francine.

In large stock pot

Brown:

2 # ground beef

3 Hot Italian sausage links--Johnsonville

          (slit skin, peel off and make small meatballs out of sausage.)

Add:

1 medium onion chopped

1 green pepper chopped

2 garlic buds, diced

Cook with meats until tender

Add: 

2 quarts diced tomatoes

1 quart tomato sauce

48 oz. tomato juice

2 Tbls. Oregano

2 Tbls. Sweet basil

2 Tbls. Italian seasoning

2 Tbls. Garlic powder

¾ cup granulated sugar

(Can add 1 can mushrooms)

Cover and simmer for hours and hours J stirring occasionally—about 5 hours

Uncover and simmer to thicken.

Can be frozen in quart freezer bags

Make about 6-7 quarts of sauce

Use for all Italian dishes

Makes a nice chunky sauce that is out of this world!!!!!

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First: Put on your long, bib apron to keep red, staining, tomato stuff off your clothes.

 Then get out your favorite stock pot.  This is the one I bought last year just for this project (and making chili) because this Farber Ware will not stick and burn!!

I sometimes start with a bit of olive oil, but usually there is enough grease from the ground beef .

The Johnsonville HOT Italian Sausage Links are not HOT--I make it into small meatballs and everyone loves coming across one while eating the sauce.

After I get everything all in the pot, I have a special "simmer" burner on the back right of the stove and that is where I let is simmer--for about five hours.

I uncover it and throw in 4 of these capsules, to break up the fat.

Let it simmer, uncovered to thicken--I don't know how long--you will know when it is ready.

Then, I put the pot in my sink to cool and so I won't make a mess when I transfer it over into the quart Zip Lock baggies.

Using my handy-dandy wide mouth funnel and ladle, I put the

sauce into the quart freezer bags--about 5 scoops full.

Put them in freezer.  Later, I will take a gallon zip lock freezer bag, label it with their name, and put two quart bags into it.  Even Pammie gets some this year :-)

If there is any small amount left over, I usually just use it and have spaghetti the next day for myself.

The nice part is, when it is re-warmed, it is even a bit thicker.

===================

Friday, I paid $40 to get this job done.

Then the bad storms were predicted, so I went out, moved the bags over to the east side of the drive and parked my car next to them to protect from the south-west gales.  If the gales tip over my car, it will pin the bags nicely to the drive and they won't blow onto my neighbor's yard :-).

Man--it is roaring out there right now!!!

Saturday

Sticks for my ladder.

I got so spooked early this morning that I went into this blog and put a couple of my last two posts back into draft format so they don't show up.  That of course means, I lost all your comments--I didn't realize that would happen.  I am so sorry and if you go looking back for those posts, you won't find them.  

I didn't delete any of the comments--I would not nor have I ever deleted a comment--oh wait--I did too. Some anonymous person left a comment about wanting to sell me something and I deleted that one--a long time ago.

Anyway--that's what happened.  As you can tell-I am not well emotionally right now and for some reason, in the middle of the night last night, I had a dream that Jen was screaming at me because she had seen the new posts--so I freaked out this morning.  

I am not too well physically today either--I have felt barfy all day--probably a nervous stomach from all of it?   I am going to bed now and I am not setting my alarm--I am just going to sleep until I wake up.

I did make 12 quarts of spaghetti sauce today and have it in baggies and in the freezer--for Christmas presents for the guys on my list.  I am wondering about Jen's husband--I always make it for him too and he loves it (and used to love me).  Should I?  Will he just throw it out?

Quandaries, quandaries.  My whole damn life is just one quandary right now!!

Where Can I Find Some Sticks?

Today's high temperature was: 52 degrees

Sunny all day.

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Melissa!!! Thanks for supper.  I picked-up a Subway on
the way home from the Chiropractor!!  Bless you!

I have been a writer since I was twelve, when my story of a hermit living in the woods, won me an A+ in sixth grade.  I got my first Diary at age 14.  I used to write things in my diary, hoping my mother would find it and read it, so she would know how I felt.  Then, when I was a senior in high school, I started using codes so if she DID read it, she wouldn't know what I was writing about, LOL.  I have a large plastic storage box filled with journals from the last 40 years.

I have never been good at showing my emotions.  I can't articulate them verbally--I get too emotional.  So, I have to write them down...more or less to see them, read them and get the emotions out of my mind so I don't think about them all the time. I sometimes open up that big plastic box and re-read those journals. 

OHMYGOSH! I cannot believe how stupid I have been over the last "post-divorce" two decades.  It makes me feel good to see how I have changed and grown a lot wiser, but...do I want my kids or sister to read them when I am primped and pretty in my casket?

I should burn them, but there is a no burning rule in this park.  I should throw them in the garbage, but then I can just see someone going through the land fill, hunting for blue bottles and coming upon my journals and writing a novel.  I do like to read them from time to time, but...I am thinking of how I can keep them and then make them disappear moments before the heart attack or stroke takes me out of here, never to return.  

Of all you "nameless, faceless" blessed women who read my posts, you are neither nameless or faceless too me.  By what you have written on your own blogs, by the pictures you have posted,  I can visualize where you are.  I can see your faces.  I know about your families and friends AND, I DO feel very close to you.  It would be wonderful to all get together and yet...perhaps that would spoil the mystique?  I would be embarrassed to stand before you and then, of course, I would cry and.......................well, you know.  Better this way, where we can comment and encourage, give advice, and just be brutally honest in what we write on our own pages.

Actually, in this group of 9 or 10 women who read my posts, I have 2, not so nameless nor faceless.  My real life in the body friends, Beth and Chris.  I have known Beth for nearly 70 years and I have known Chris for 30.  I dare say, in all those years, they probably know me better through this blog then they ever did in "real" life.  I just don't share my desperation in "real" life, as I do on this blog. (Although, Chris did see that about 25 years ago.)

I didn't even share these kinds of things with my very best friend Arlene.  She would have looked at me strangely and said, "Dammit Jude!  You can't do anything about it so, get over it!"  If she ever WAS into deep thinking about emotions, she certainly never showed it nor talked about it.

My sister gets me, but then again, I have a certain big sister status I must maintain.  About this Jennifer thing, my sister said, "Oh well, you know how overly dramatic she can get.  I refuse to be involved in her drama."  I don't share too much with my daughter's because,  Jen is their baby sister and I am their mother and I don't want to ever make them feel they have to choose sides.  They have both felt the "Wrath of Jennifer", as we call it, so they know, but they also care deeply about her.  Besides, if I tried to discuss it with them and my son, I would just cry and that's no good!

I can't really share these feelings with Pearl or Dar.  Neither one of them would understand why, two years out, I am still going through grief.  Dar would understand the whole alienation of daughter thing, as her daughter has not talked to her for almost 3 years and she hasn't seen her grandchildren, but in Dar's case, it is NOT her fault (but of course it is) and she explains it away because "my daughter is mentally ill, (which of course she isn't)  Besides all that, I am their go-to person for their problems.  I am their listener--the one to see it in an objective way--the one to calm them down..

So--you are the poor ones who have to read this stuff--or just pass on by--whatever.  There is no way you will ever realize how much your comments mean to me.  Just to know that there IS someone out there who "gets it", makes it a whole lot better!

As Jaye commented yesterday, I gotta find the sticks to start building a ladder out of the deep hole I am in.  I promise you I will--just like that picture on the upper right side of this blog says, "I always get up"-  I may not stand as straight as before, but I will get back up!

Another Monday--Another Grandchild Play Date

Today's high temperature was: 40 degrees

Rainy and grey

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I had a nice day yesterday.  Karen called about 9:30 and wanted to know if I wanted to go up to The Farm with her, to visit Susan.  She picked me up  around 11:00 and off we went, nice conversation all the way there.

She had taken her quilting and so she and Susan sat and chatted, stitching away, while I sat on the couch and listened.

I got a bit restless so I got up and walked out into the entryway.  Susan has a display case just inside the side door.  In it are family treasures.  Political buttons.  A little wooden tool set that our great grandfather carved.  A padlock to the horse barn.  A small mourning brooch, made from the braided air of our great grandmother.  On the glass top, Susan has the fox stole our grandmother used to wear.  Every time I enter, I always have to pet the stole and talk to the fox.  Our Daddy had a trap line and caught the fox, dressed it, stretched the fur, tanned the hide and made the stole for his mother.  He later made one just like it for our mother.  It was very fashionable to wear this back in the '30's and '40's.  I used to play with it when I was little.

I put the thing on, walked back into the living room and stood there until Karen and Susan noticed.  Karen squealed and grabbed my camera.  It actually gives Susan the creeps so she was yelling, "No!"

I am trying to look elegant and all I can see in this picture--

the fox has aged much better then me!

When the squealing and laughing was done, I whipped that stole off, held the fox by his nose, with his tail dragging on the floor and did a stripper sort of bump and grind as I left the room.  (Just about threw out my right hip!)  Ta Da Da DaDa Da--bump!  

Then, they went out to pick apples and I sat down and talked sports with my brother-in-law, Chuck.

===========================

On our way home, Karen brought up the subject of Jennifer and me.  I finally found out what Jennifer is so angry about.  On my old blog, I posted that I was going to their church during Lent.  I wrote about how every Sunday, I didn't know if they were going (because she never called and told me) and I never knew where they were going to sit.  She told me they sat in the balcony, and we all did the first week.  The next week, I went up into the balcony and never saw them--they didn't come that Sunday.  The next Sunday, up in the balcony again and I never saw them.  Come to find out, they were sitting on the main floor way over by the exit--they did not try to find me after church.  The next Sunday, I sat on the main floor, by the main entrance so that I wouldn't miss them, and they went up in the balcony via another entrance.  

So--I felt like they were trying to avoid me.  Then, when I went to Good Friday services, I sat on the main floor and afterwards, noticed she and the kids were four rows behind me, but never even acknowledged me.  I was upset.

So, when the cousin told her I was bashing her family on the blog, Jen got very incensed when she read those posts.  She said I was maligning her family and defaming her character.  Even my son-in-law is angry at me.  

I asked Karen if she has ever read my blog--any blog and she said, "No."

Then I said, "Well, most of my readers are older women.  At times our blog is where we rant.  Sometimes about children and grand children--sometimes we feel neglected by them.  It's no big deal and no one takes it very seriously--we just sympathize with each other.  No one on my blog thought I had said anything so horrible that my daughter would quite speaking to me.  How do I fix it?"

Karen said, "I don't know, Mom."

"I said, "Well, I've apologized to her.  I have asked her forgiveness and I have asked God's forgiveness and I pray every day for reconciliation.  What more can I do?  She won't allow me to communicate with her, so I just don't know."

"Well, Pam and Aunt Susan and I have all said we aren't going to let Jennifer tear up our family.  We will still have Christmas together and family get togethers and if Jennifer doesn't want to attend--that is up to her.  I think she is going through a lot since Grandma Helen died.  Remember--I have been on her angry side.  You just have to go on normally and hope she quits holding the grudge.  At least she lets you see the kids now--that is a step forward."

Jen is very strong willed.  I am afraid that even if she wants to reconcile, now, her husband won't let her.  They both have a lot of "never forgive, never forget" attitude in their life.  At least I know what caused the problem, so if the subject ever comes up, I will know what she is talking about.  GEEZ!!!

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So--this afternoon, Pammie dropped off Elise after school for our evening together.  I was snowing like crazy and blowing, but we hopped into the car and went to Wal-Mart where she helped me get some groceries.  When we came out of the store, it was very blowy and snowy, I said, "Hop in the car Honey and stay warm.  I'll just put these in the trunk."

"Grandma, let me  help you," and she did.

Such a beautiful child.  We went on into Brighton to Red Robin for supper.  We talked and talked and talked.  She told me all about the trip her and her Mom (Jen) took to London and Paris--they were gone for 10 days.  About all the places they had seen--and they saw it all!  

"They call Paris, the City of Light, but they have had to cut back to save energy...but it was still beautiful at night.  They have the most beautiful and famous paintings in the Louvre.  We got to ride a double-decker bus  in London and saw the Queen's Palace and West Minister Abbey and the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris."

Then she told me about her girl friends, how some of them get so dramatic.  "It seems every day, one of them is whining about how no one likes her or they want me to play with them and no one else.  Jill is my best friend because she isn't like that.  I try to be nice to all of my friends.  I don't know why those silly girls act like that.  Maybe they are insecure or something."

She is so well spoken and mannerly.  When we got back to her place, she leaned over and hugged me and told me how much fun she had and "I love you Grandma."

Look how tall she is for nine years old.

So--I can die happy now!  I got to see all four of my youngest in the last four weeks.  Got to know them better, what they are thinking, how they act, what they know.  Jennifer is doing a real good job at raising them.  I am very happy!

Fruitful Friday

The high temperature today was:  43 degrees

Sunny all day, but chilly.

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Last night, I figured something out.  I think part of my funk is all the political stuff I hear--on the news, on Face Book, on the Internet.

I have both Liberal and Conservative friends.  They all "share" political links from time to time.  I have been known to do that too.  A couple of times, I posted something political and I received about 30 comments.  Two of my "friends", unknown to each other, started arguing with each other--under my post.  It would be like if one of you made a comment and someone else made a comment disagreeing with you and then came back with a rebuttal and then they did....on and on.  Actually, by the time they were into it, what they were arguing about had nothing to do with my original post.  When I saw what was going on, I deleted the post and thus the arguing.  

I have one friend who is Ultra-Liberal and she posts so many political links that it is all I see when I open FB in the morning.  Another friend, an Ultra-Conservative AND minister, posts so many political links every morning that---well anyway, by the time I get past all of them--it's been near an hour.  I have changed my settings so I don't see either one anymore, but still.................

This morning, I posted on FB book that I was not sharing any more political links OR post anything political from my own thoughts.  The acrimony that exists between people nowadays, is beyond anything I have ever witnessed in my 53 years of voting.  I use to love politics--the working of the government--the lively, but rational discussions.  Nowadays, it is just plain nasty.  

I spent much of today, changing my settings from quite a few politically posting people.  I have deleted any posts I might receive on my page from any and all political groups--even the ones I believe in.  I don't want to see any of it anymore.  The negativity that exists now, just makes me depressed, pessimistic and almost without hope.  Two days ago, I read a post from a younger friend--she stated that she was changing her settings so as not to receive any more political posts--I thought about her post the rest of the day, and I see her point!

Tomorrow, this is what I will post on my status in the morning.

"I want to thank Teri Forbush for opening my eyes and I have taken her lead.  The Good Lord knows I posted my share of political links—cluttering up my friends Face Book pages and I don’t think the Good Lord would be happy with me about that.  I have deleted all the apps that send me political links and I have changed my FB settings to only get “important status updates” from my friends.  I know how most of you feel politically.  You aren’t going to change my mind and I’m not going to change yours. 

I want to see what you are doing in your everyday life.  I cannot begin to tell you how refreshing it is to open up FB and only see positiveness.  A friend’s cure from cancer.  A request for prayer from another and a later update on their answered request.  The picture of someone’s new grand baby.  I want to see photos of your cats and dogs, something you viewed out on your walk, an uplifting post from my pastor.  A birthday or anniversary notice. A post from one of my grand kids.    

It is so easy for negativity to surround us.  I think we all need more positive news.  I know I crave that in my life.  So Onward and Upward we go—ever Forward!"

I would get off FB completely except, it is a good way to see what is going on with my grand kids and I love playing the games they have.  All the political crap was just getting me down.

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Today at noon, I took Pearl to the movie.  I wanted to see something funny, so I asked her to go with me.  It was great!  We laughed until we were almost crying--and once, we even had tears in our eyes because of a statement one of the old guys made.  I think you would have to be of a "certain age" to really enjoy the movie, but since, we are of that age, it had a lot that pertains to us--or the way we feel.  The one statement that made us both cry and the other oldsters in the theatre very quiet was this:

Michael Douglas says, "In my mind, I am seventeen years old. But...my body is breaking down.  I'm scared...I don't want to get old!"  Sound about right?

"Last Vegas" trailer

Tentatively Peeking Out At The World

Today's high temperature was:  46 degrees

Partly sunny--quite breezy

Frost on the rooftops every morning now.

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Breakfast every morning since I was 15.

Note--I even have the bunny spoon I use.

Put cup with milk in microwave, push 1 2 3, hit go--perfect temperature

Sometimes a dollop of marshmallow creme on top--as I had this morning.

As Farfel would say, 

"N E S T L E S--Nestle's makes the very best

Chook-lit!"

(then he snap his jaws shut.)

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I am experiencing a new thing in my life--procrastination.  I hope it is a fleeting issue.

I think about something that needs doing, like dusting, vacuuming, going to the store--and think, "I don't feel like it.  I will do it tomorrow."  Then tomorrow arrives, and the same feeling. 

I did not go to church on Sunday--did not go anywhere on Saturday.  Only went out for two hours with Andrew on Monday evening and that seemed like a real effort--until I did it.  A call--prescriptions waiting for me at Wal-Mart--last Friday!  Another call on Monday to remind me.  I decided to go Tuesday--but didn't.  Another call to remind me.

Yesterday was a perfect day for a nap.  It was dark, very windy and raining all day long.  At 2:00, I kicked my recliner back to get a nap--then said "NO!"  Put my shoes on, found my old raincoat and jumped into the car.

Up to Wal-Mart and saw that the summer long construction on the intersection is all done!!!  Beautiful!  Got the prescriptions and took my bottles back.  The store seemed a bit cleaner and didn't smell--too bad.

Back in the car, across the highway to the Meijer's store.  Went in on the Pharmacy end and walked clear to the back, looking at things along the way--picking up some photo paper, suet blocks for the birds and back to the Soda Pop area where Pepsi products were 10 for 10 with the 11th one free.  Loaded up.  Back out to the car.  It was raining like mad, the wind blew my hair straight up on top of my head.  Rain falling down my neck as I struggled to the car and then blowing in my face as I loaded up my trunk.

Home and backed in close to the porch so I could unload.  Pearl called, "Are you nuts?  Going out in this kind of weather?"

"Oh well...I needed something to get me out of the house."

.....and...I felt better last night.

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Had terrible nightmares during the night.  I woke up kicking and swinging my arms and yelling.  Fighting with ghosts, I suppose.  Sub-conscious anger coming out at the step-mother?  Weird, because in my "normal" state, I am not a confronter/arguer/fighter.  Suppressed rage will come out--one way or another.

Woke up again at 8:00--Buddy was patting my face and nudging my shoulder--touching my chin with his wet, cold nose. 

Dar came over a couple hours later.  She's a mess--probably not any worse then me.  She got in trouble at work for telling the young manager he didn't know what he was doing.  She got in trouble at church for confronting the young woman who testified that Dar was seen abusing her grandchildren.  Apparently the Pastor told Dar that "church is not the place to be berating another person."  She's gained almost twenty pounds and is angry about that.  She wants to sell her place and move to North Carolina (oh, please do.)  Her neighbor's dog acted like he was going to bite her because he came to the steps when she was sweeping them and she hit him with the broom.  She bought a real expensive garbage can (I told her to buy a cheap one because they get so abused by the garbage men) and the first week, they put the garbage can upside down on the ground and bent the attached cover.  She will report them to the office.  

I don't remember--there was more with pacing up and down my living room and flinging her arms around during her rant.  Then--she was done--and off she went.

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I don't seem to have much of interest to say lately.  I will sign off now and talk tomorrow.--Jude