Fun, Stunned, Despair

Karen picked me up at 9:30 Friday morning to go shopping for my wedding attire. I hate to shop--especially for clothes--especially when I don't know what I want.  I haven't shopped for clothes in 7-8 years, preferring to order my slacks/jeans, tops on-line.

We first went to a store up in Howell that is closing.  Carson's, a branch of Bon Ton, Younkers--all those stores are closing, so there was a mega sale going on.  I grabbed a couple of tops, as did Karen and off to the changing room.  

It reminded me of when Karen was little and I took her shopping for clothes, only this was in reverse mode.

I stood there as Karen "dressed me".  Putting the tops on, pulling them off, putting another one on.  We found a beautiful top.  A blush shell underneath with the over blouse, longer, with fluttery sleeves and irregular hem and the wedding colors, blush and navy.  Sort of water color painted looking.  We put it back to have them save it for us.  The thing cost 90.00, with a 30% discount, down to 63.00.

Off we went to the HUGE mall.  There are crazy round-abouts to maneuver, but Karen shops there often so she knows how to zip through them.  We decided to start at Dress Barn.

An older saleslady came up and I told her I needed something for my grandson's wedding.

"I know just what you need", she said and off we went.  

They had calf-length skirts and then the sales lady handed me a longer skirt--navy and light blue and white.  Perfect.  Karen came along behind gathering up 4 navy tops.  Into the fitting room.

I pulled the skirt on--perfect--it came down to my ankle bone.  Karen pulled a top over my head--too short.  Off that went, by now my hair was standing straight up.  On went another one, really nice, a bit longer, but tummy length and I wanted one that came down to the top of my thighs.  I look better in a longer top--it accentuates my height and makes me look leaner.  I even tried on one of those "cold shoulder" tops--where the top is cut away and shows the shoulder.  I can tell you--skinny, skin-tag spotted Gramma shoulders do not look good exposed!!

Karen disappeared and came back with another top.  She pulled it over my head--perfect fit, perfect length.

Then she chastised me because I still had my blue jeans on under the skirt, so I dropped them around my feet.

"Mother!  Sit down and take those shoes and your jeans off.  I can't get the full effect with them in the way!"

Okay-okay.  I already knew I had what I wanted, but I slipped my loafers off and pulled off my jeans, to reveal dark blue, knee-high socks underneath.  Quite attractive.  HAH!

Then she made me go out and look in the full length mirror.  The sales lady came over and declared me the best  looking grandma she had ever seen.

We bagged it up--the entire outfit cost 45.00.

Karen dropped me home at 11:45.  She had to pick her hubs up at Noon.

I had the best time!  We laughed so hard at times, tears were running down our faces.  I was so happy and giddy the rest of the day.  I didn't have to walk very far or shop very long and I don't remember my back hurting at all.

Look--both sleeves have a cut-out lattice work.  Va Va Voom.

I am going to wear my 26" gold chain, to add even more of a long accent.

I had all my grandkids birthstones hanging from it.

Earlier I told Karen, "I don't want to wear something all glitzy and beaded and sequined.  I just want something that will look elegant and make your Dad regret what he threw away."

She said, "I think you've got the look with this, Mom."

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I got up at 6:00 on Saturday morning.  Jennifer had been in town all week on business.  Friday night she drove out to Pammie's.  They were packing up to leave Saturday morning and going to stop by so I could give Pammie a good-bye hug and Jen too, of course.  I got up early so I wouldn't miss them.

I hadn't heard from Pam nor seen them, so I called around 9:30--it went right to voice mail.

I knew they were busy so I just sat and waited.

I needed to drain the water heater, but I was afraid to go out to the shed to get the hose because I might miss their call.  Pam was going to call me when they got close.

Well, about 6:00 in the evening, after a couple more times of trying to reach them, I thought, "maybe they aren't leaving until Sunday morning.  Maybe I misunderstood."

So Sunday morning, I got up early again, got dressed and waited.  Finally at 11:00, I called my sister.

"Did Pam leave yet?" I asked.

"Oh.  Didn't you get the photo she texted?"

"I don't have text capabilities," I reminded her.

"Oh.  She sent a photo of the Welcome Home Aunt Pammie, sign the kids made for her.  She and Jen got in about 10:00 last night."

"She's in New Jersey then?"

"Yes.  They left here about 9:00, I ran down to give her a hug goodbye.  Then they stopped in at Karen's for about an hour.

"Okay, thanks."
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I had to hang up because my throat was tightening up and the tears were coming.

You know I don't cry!  Never!

I continued to cry the rest of yesterday, until I made myself sick because I forgot to eat.  I didn't sob, the tears just kept running out of my eyes and my eyes swelled up and..................today, I look awful!

Come to find out--there was a big rush to get everything packed, the water shut off at Pam's house and for them to be on their way.

They took the expressway that is 2 miles from here, stopped at Karen's for an hour, waiting for Helene and little Della to show up so they could see her.

Apparently they didn't have 15 minutes to take to stop here for good-bye hugs.

Apparently it never occurred to Karen to call and tell me so I could have driven the 20 minutes down there to see them off.

Pam will be gone for 2 years.  She is not coming back for the wedding as it is during the end of school year.  She will stay with the kids in NJ, so that Jen and Eric can come to the wedding.

I carefully wrote an e-mail to all 3.  Although there is no blame on Jen, Pam never opens her e-mails, but Karen and Jen do and I knew one of them would tell Pam about it.

I didn't condemn anyone, just said that I was disappointed and sad that I didn't get to give her a good-bye hug and kiss.

I got an answer from Pam this morning.  

"I didn't promise I'd stop in.  I said I would if we had time.  It took longer to close up the house and we had to get on our way.  Nothing can be done about it now."
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Yeah, but.......they had an hour to sit at Karen's.
They had a siblings going away party at my son's on Friday night.
They had time enough to take a few minutes to visit with my sister.
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To me it shows total disregard for my feelings.  Maybe I am being selfish, but I always feel left out, or as an after thought.  Of course, I have posted about how they never visit or call.  Pam was the only one who called once a month.

I thought she was the closest one to me.  I acted happy that she was moving.  I supported her in everything, helped her with a little money, when I could.

It just hurts really, really badly that she could find time for everyone else, but not her MOTHER!!

Oh, I can't write about it anymore, the tears are flowing again and my eyes are nearly swollen shut.
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I did get the water heater drained yesterday.  Today I need to go to the bank and get groceries, but I can't leave the house looking the way I do!

As Pam said, "Nothing can be done about it now."  I gotta find an "I don't care" attitude, "it is as it is" attitude, forgive them all and carry on as if........

Honestly?  Yesterday afternoon, I thought that if I had a gun, I'd go out on the front steps and blow my brains out.  The neighbor's would hear the noise and find me, so I wouldn't lay there too long.  Then the police would notify one of my kids.  I wouldn't have to go through anymore hurt or loneliness.  How restful and peaceful it would be.  The kids wouldn't have to even think about me anymore, which would probably make their lives a whole lot easier.

Onward and upward!!!