title explained

Onward and upward! something that you say in order to encourage someone to forget an unpleasant experience or failure and to think about the future instead and move forward.

My e-mail: jjmiller6213@comcast.net

Saturday, August 31, 2013

...and The Days Dwindle Down--To A Precious Few....

Today's high temperature was: 87 degrees
Today's humidity was:  65%
Sunny all day--nice breeze, but still too hot!
Rain tonight--all around us, but not here.
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I have been thinking about this all week.

There is an older woman--mid-seventies.  She lives all alone.  Her children do not stop in often to visit her.  She rarely sees her grandchildren--they are a distance away.  When she does see them, she isn't very nice to them--then, realizing she wasn't very nice, she tries to make it up to them, hoping the visit will end with them only remembering the good times with Granny.  

This woman complains about everything!  If her daughter offers to drive her to a family function, the woman complains the entire long drive.  She didn't really want to go.  Stop the car.  Let her out, she wants to go back home.  No, never mind, she'll go, but her family doesn't care about her.  She is superfluous--no one in the family would even miss her if she wasn't there.   On and on and on she rants. She weeps.  She is very sad. She is very angry. 

Afterwards, she realizes that she had a pretty good time.  Now she remembers the way she acted.  Some of the weird things she said.  She feels bad.  She calls and apologizes.  She thinks she might be losing her mind.

Now that she is home, home where she is in control.  Now that she has time to think.

Her problem?  She has way too much time to think.  What is there for her to do in life?  Sit and watch television--think about her past.  All the hurts she has had in her life.  She may lash out at people now, for those past hurts, even though they aren't the ones who caused the hurt.  She may feel guilty about her past life.  She would never admit it, because she can't allow herself to admit it--even in her own mind.  

She is divorced once or twice--rotten, damn men!!!  There is a niggle.  She wonders if the divorce was her fault?  No--it is not possible--she was a good wife--HE was the rotten one--surely it has to be that way, in her mind.

She has few visitors.  She is very lonely.  She feels that death is only a few short months away and she knows that and it makes her scared and even more lonely.  Just get it over with.  Then she won't have to think. Everyone in her family will feel a lot better with her gone.

It's difficult to go anywhere.  Perhaps she is in pain from arthritis.  She doesn't move around very much so the arthritis gets even worse.  It gets too noisy at the family functions.  She may be hard of hearing and that makes conversations even harder. Too much background noise for her to even hear what the person next to her is saying.  

She is filled with fear.  She is disappointed in her life.  She can't do a thing about anything, anymore. There is nothing to look forward to.  No one cares--they look at her in a disparaging way.  She is a nasty, old bitch.  She can't remember things at times.  This frightens her too. Sometimes she gets very confused.  

People leave her alone because she is so nasty.  She gets nastier because she is alone so much of the time. When family does come to her house, she sees it in their eyes.  They aren't there just to sit and chat for awhile.  They are there out of a feeling of obligation.--they have to take her to an appointment.  They have to check up on her.  Wouldn't it be nice if they just came to simply visit--play a game of cards--watch a movie on TV with her.

This is much the way I would have felt about that woman when I was in my 40's-50's.  A pain in the neck that I didn't want to be around, didn't want to feel obligated too, remembered how nasty she had been to me, tried to figure out how I could avoid her.
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Now, I am the age of this woman.  NO--I AM NOT this woman, but all of a sudden, I understand her!

I too have felt, the last year, that something was very wrong with me--my thinking--the things I have uttered, or the way I have acted, or reacted.  At times, it has taken very bit of strength I had to go to a family function.  I'd just end up sitting in a chair in the living room and not really feel included--because I didn't interact with others.  When invited to go to a function--it was so hard.  It hurt so bad to have to walk up stairs to get to a ball game, or sit for a long period of time during a band concert or ballet performance.  When it was over, I did not want to go out to supper--yes, I was hungry, but, once again, I would have to sit on a hard chair, wait for the food, too much noise--I just wanted to come back home.  I was so tired--I wanted to sit down, put my feet up, be quiet.

After certain occasions, I remembered weird statements I had made.  At times, tears came into my eyes for no reason.  I felt very sorry for myself and no one understood--nor did they want to hear any of my complaints--they didn't really care.  Try to be upbeat and friendly and funny and----be exhausted in a couple of hours for the trying.  It use to come naturally, now it was forced. Yet--if I was quiet, people wondered what was wrong. 

I was scared that I was losing my mind--it felt that way sometimes.  I couldn't remember who was at the party--sometimes. Couldn't remember whom I had spoken with--sometimes, but, I always could remember the statements I made or the weird thing I did--which in turn, just made me want to stay away from people so I wouldn't embarrass myself again and again and again!!!  I was so tired, all the time.  I was in pain, all the time.  Everything was an effort, all the time.  

I was not the person that I remembered being.  I wondered what had happened to that person.  Why did I act like I did now?  Why did I say stupid things--act weird?  What was wrong with me?  Perhaps I did have Alzheimer's and everyone knew except me?  Maybe my kids stayed away because I had done something awful to them in their lives and now...I couldn't remember what.  Maybe I needed to be institutionalized?  Maybe I needed shock treatments?

The only difference between this woman and me was, that I was able--ON MY OWN--to seek  help.  No one had to take me to an appointment with the shrink!  I wanted no one else to know--because I was trying so hard to keep control and pretend that my weirdness was only because I was still in a brain fog from grief or I was getting old and just a tad eccentric.

The only difference between this woman and me was, I am younger then she is and maybe a bit more independent, or stronger and I realized that something was not right.  I know she knows, what she is doing, how she is acting is not right--I know she does.  

I just wish she could get help.  I just wish she would get help. She's probably afraid too.  She may have had mental issues all her life and never received the help she needed.  I just wish she could before she does die and the only feeling her family will have is relief that the nasty mother/grandmother bitch is gone.  

OH--I am so sad because, honestly, with a some help from some meds, maybe a tiny bit of talk therapy--she and everyone else in her family would enjoy the years she has left.

I heard someone say, "You might get addicted to the meds."  I say, "At 70+ years--how many years are left? Who the Hell cares if we get addicted?  What difference does it make?  Better have a nice, calm, happy life with a smile on our face, then go through all the torment of mental illness for the rest of our days!"















8 comments:

  1. My husband was on Celexia (one of the drugs you mentioned taking) for twelve years and if he was addicted to it, I sure couldn't tell. I called it his happy hour pill because an hour after taking one he was always in the best mood of the day. A lot of people as severely disabled as he was take anti-depressants. It made him upbeat and happy and that made my life as a caregiver easier. I hope you find something that helps, but some of those drugs take time to build up before you notice a difference, so be patient.

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  2. Well, personally I think you do quite well, and yes what the h*ll business of anyone else if you take something to feel better. I like that you tell "us" how you're feeling, not feeling or whatever is on your mind. That's what we're here for. We care about you, love you and just want you to be happy. As I've said before, I take celexa and elavil at night. It's what works for me. Sometimes, different meds have to be tried before they make a difference. I'll perhaps have to make a change someday. After all, I've had mental/emotional issues all my life. But, I am HAPPY for so many reasons. Of course, I worry but try to let go and let God because only He knows the future.

    Love you, Judy.
    xoxo

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  3. A thought provoking post. Thank you for taking the time to write it and share it with us. Jx

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  4. That's the way I look at pain medications. At our age, our bodies are beginning to have problems. If life is better when taking any medication, be it pain meds, mood altering meds, whatever, even if they might be "habit forming," after a certain age so what. My MIL was on highly powerful and addicting meds during her last years. So what if she became addicted to them? At least she was more comfortable.

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  5. Judy, thinking of you all day since reading your post this early morning. I think you do very well.
    Medication is something I take seldom and very little as it
    affects me deeply.
    Know there are many that love you and life is good....
    Just different then years ago.

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  6. Oh! You described my dearly departed mother! I sometimes wonder if all the complaining is a way to self medicate. It feels good for a moment, anyway.

    I benefited from an antidepressant before and after my husband died. It put a floor under my moods and helped me get my footing. Once I got my bearings, I got off. Some crutches are better than others, and I wish only uplifting ones for you.

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  7. You and I know that this is MY mother you are talking about, and I have always wished that she would deal with the issues that drive her behavior. Talk therapy? She's totally opposed to it, cannot believe I've spent hours and money on a therapist's couch, totally missing the fact that SHE'S greatly responsible for my need to be there.

    You see, my mother didn't just morph into this person in old age. She has always been this way. She heaped abuse on my sisters and me our entire lives, and she's still doing it.

    Yes, I feel sorry for her. I so wish that she wasn't this way. But she built this lonely life, much as Scrooge's Marley did, one link at a time over all the days of her life.

    Of all the horrendous things she has said and done in her life; the legacy of pain that she instilled in each of her children, this last incident is the ONLY time she's apologized, and she didn't apologize to ME, the person who endured her venom, she apologized to my sister for saying she didn't want to be with her great grandchildren.

    You have something that she lacks, and that's self awareness. I agree with you that now she now looks back over her life and must have massive regrets, she is just incapable of change.

    I would love to be able to forgive my mother for the things she did to me as a child, but I can never quite get there, because she has never stopped hurting me.

    ReplyDelete