Change

Today's high temperature was: 24 degrees
Feels like Temperature:  15 degrees

A Shiny day!!

===================================

Some Greek philosopher said, "The only thing constant in life is change."  I can see him sitting there, dressed in his fine white toga, lounging by the side of a pool, overlooking the blue Aegean Sea, eating grapes and chatting with this buddies.  That's all they did all day.  Sat around and came up with profound sayings.  Not much change in their lives actually.

For a person who likes permanence, the fact that life does not have that quality, can make that person's life a bit difficult.  Look up the term BPD (borderline personality disorder) in Psychology Today and one of the symptoms is; hates change--with my picture along side the definition.

My "mood" can be changed by the weather.  When I see a shiny day, like today, I am quite peaceful and content.  Everything seems to be okay.  Let the barometric pressure drop, and I get all wonky.  I am down.  I am depressed.  I don't feel like doing anything.

The time change upsets me for weeks--especially the change in the spring, when we jump ahead an hour.  My Circadian Clock gets off and I feel confused for days and days.

Most of all, it's personal changes that throw me.  Things that happen that I can do nothing about--drive me into deep depressions.    It takes me a long time to get used to the "new" situation.  I do not adapt well to changes in my life.  

I have always been a worry-wort, an anxious person, even as a child.  I have a real hard time living a positive life--because I am positive, anything good will change.  It messes with my mind.  

Here I am, a self proclaimed Christian who is suppose believes that God has a plan and that plan is good.  Who hopes knows to give it all to God and let Him handle it.  Who wakes up every morning and the first words are, "I trust you, Jesus" and hopes they aren't just words spoken in rote, but in true belief.

Death is by far the hardest change for anyone--and not just for the dead person.  They, no doubt, are quite content with the consistency of the after life.  The people left behind--harder for them.  The one permanence in our survivor life--because nothing is going to change that situation.  They aren't away on a business trip, a hunting trip, a weekend spent at a vintage car show and dirt track car race.  They aren't going to pop back into the house at any moment.  You can't go visit them in the hospital.

Gone.

Forever.

Of course, this time of year is probably the hardest for a survivor.  Their permanent "goneness" is so evident this time of year.  The "presence of absence" that we talked about earlier.  The proverbial "elephant in the room".  We keep nudging that elephant out of the way--wishing it would just go out into the garage or somewhere we didn't have to see it all the time.  

Sitting there, in the midst of others, laughing and so happy with their lives, and we feel like the fifth wheel, the sore thumb.  The smile on our face, until our cheeks hurt, because we miss Dad or Mother.  Child or husband.  They should be there!   Or at least, their name spoken sometime during the festivities.  

Fred and I were always alone on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day.  The year my sister moved back here, we four made a pact!  We would celebrate Christmas Day together, because they were alone too.  How happy we were that Christmas Day 2011.  We even planned what we would do the next Christmas Day.  How wonderful to have them living nearby so we could get together.  A new tradition.  YAY!

  ...and then, six days later...CHANGE!

Dammit--I really hate change!

Foraging

Today's high temperature was: 32 degrees

Grey, but dry

==================================

We trudged forth into the cold, grey world.

We stopped at Staples, to get some greeting card envelopes and some padded envelopes for the book we want to sell and mail.

We stopped at the post office to see what it would cost to mail said book.

We stopped at Michael's to get a picture frame for the picture/collage for our sister and a bag of scented pine cones to put in a basket.

We stopped at the grocery store to get some food.

We got our hair cut--short again.  No color for three months--the grey is all around our face.

We stopped at Subway and, with Melissa's help, got us a Spicy Italian Foot Long, enough for two meals.

We came home in the dark--and we are tired.

BUT--we live to eat another day!!  

OR--we eat to live another day!!

What Day Is It?

Today's high temperature was:  23

Windy

=============================

The fourth full day I have not moved from this house.  I am almost sick of my own company.

My back and hip are feeling much better, so tomorrow, I will go out to get my hair cut, and to forage for food.

My cupboards are as bare as my refrigerator.  I have 4 cans of corn--I had one for supper and a protein drink.  My freezer is filled with bags of Christmas spaghetti sauce--perhaps I should open one so I have something to eat.  I have $3.20 left on the Subway Gift Card Melissa gave me, so that will probably be my supper tomorrow night.  Then Thanksgiving on Thursday, so I think I will make it through the rest of November.

This seems like it has been a difficult month, money wise.  I don't know why.    I have $30.00 left for food.  My car is filled up though, so that is good.  I have 40.00 in the checking account--half of that will go for the hair cut.

I get my Social Security check on the 3rd of every month--THANK GOODNESS!!!!!

Maybe I will win something through Publisher's Clearing House contest on the 27th?   LOL.  

===========================

I am worried about my friends on the East Coast--nasty weather headed your way and Judy F. in Pennsylvania--you are going to get too much snow.  Jean, over on the west side of the state, lake effect snow may pile up on you too.  I always watch the Weather Channel so I know what kind of weather you all are getting.  It gives me something REAL to worry about.

Please, all of you be careful!!!!!

Nothing Sunday

Today's high temperature was: 24 degrees

Sunny, windy and cold

================================

I woke up Thursday morning with severe in my hip--on the bottom where I sit.  I could barely walk.  i couldn't turn.  I thought the joint was loosening or I had displaced my hip.

I haven't done a thing heavy or strenuous, so I couldn't figure out why it hurt so bad--sharp pain.

I spent most of the day just sitting or laying down.

Friday, it was much worse.  I couldn't get into the orthopeadic surgeon's office.  Friday night, I took a Tylenol 3 to sleep.. I had to lay flat on my back, which is not easy for me to sleep that way.

Yesterday, I took an anti-inflammatory (Naproxan) in the morning, rubbed the area down with the horse liniment Fred swore by and spent all day in my recliner.  Took another Tylenol  3 last night and slept quite well.

This morning, I had bad back pain on the left side--it seemed to be going down into my hip.  I decided it was probably my back causing the pain in my hip, but didn't know for sure.  I took another Naproxan, more liniment and again, stayed in my recliner all day.

The weather has been very cold and miserable and there was no reason for me to go outside anyway.

Tonight, I put my T.E.N.S, device on my left back for 30 minutes and then moved it down to my hip bottom and the top back of my thigh.  

It seems a bit better tonight.  I don't think I have done anything to my hip--I think IT IS my back causing the problem.  I will see how it goes tomorrow and maybe go in for an x-ray just to make sure the hip is in place.

===============================

I woke up this morning practically paralyzed with fear that I had kidney or liver cancer.  I must have been having a dream or something, because it felt so real and I was scared.  

My blood pressure and heart rate are still low--have been more months.  I feel good, but they shouldn't be that low.  My primary care doc says everything is okay, but I have research and read and the heart rate should not be below 60 and mine is running in the low 50's.  I still think I need to change my HBP meds--and I am in the process of doing that right now.  I take three different ones!  I have cut out my water pill in the morning, because the other two meds have diuretic in them.

I have an appointment with my cardiologist the first week in January.  

In the olden days, our primary care/family doctor took care of everything.  He delivered our babies, stitched up our cuts, performed surgery, set our bones and cured our heart attacks.

Nowadays, we need an ENT, a pulmonologist, an allergist, a cardiologist, a hematologist, an enterologist, a neurologist, a rheumotalogist, an orthopedist, a podiatrist, a dermatologist and a psychologist, just to name a few!

The primary care doctor has turned into someone who sends up off for tests and writes prescriptions.  They know a lot about a lot of things, but not much about any particular thing.

I just want to feel better!

At least, I am almost done with my Chiropractor's receptionist baby afghan :-)

Blizzardy Saturday--a good day to nap.

27 degrees high today

The view out my computer room windows at 11:00 this morning

Up and Out!

Here I come!

Pearl called this morning, wanting to know if I wanted to over on the other side of the park, to see her daughter's new home.  I wasn't dressed and I am not into spontaneity, but I knew I'd better day "yes" or Pearl would get mad.

Her youngest daughter recently purchased a big, three bedroom manufactured home on the south side of the park--the newer part--where most of families with children live.  It is really nice.  It has a large back yard that overlooks the lake behind our park.  Three bedrooms, two baths, a utility room, a living room, dining room, family room, huge kitchen with eating area and attached screened in porch on the back, with a large deck all along the side of the house..  

Of course, you know me--I have been lusting for a larger place and it was good for me to go through this home as I realized pretty quickly that it is way more then I could take care of!  

Pretty funny--to get to the other side of the park, you can go up the service drive off to the side of where I live--however, regular traffic is not supposed to use that--although we can walk and bicycle on it.  I took off up it and Pearl starting yelling, "You can't go this way!  You have to go around by the road!"

"Around by the road is three miles," I said.  "This way is only about 300 feet."

"What if one of the maintenance guys sees us?"

"I know all of them.  I will just wave and it will be all right."

She huffed and puffed for the entire 4 minute drive there and back, but we didn't meet anyone.  When I dropped her off at her house I said, "Now, wasn't that a fun adventure?"

"Adventure?"

"Sure," is said.  "It raised your heart rate, you were a bit startled and scared.  That's good for ya!"

"You're weird," she said as she hobbled up the drive to her place.

It was fun and it got my day going.

===================================

I guess my Forsythia thinks it is early spring and time to bloom?

I was standing at my stove, putting all the ingredients together for another batch of spaghetti sauce.  I glanced up, looked out the window and yelled!

 The moon is rising in the east!!!

Apparently he has a leak around the sky-light?

Even when he stood up, his jeans were still drooping.  What a view!!!

========================================

Where were you 50 years ago, when you heard the news?  Everyone remembers--even kids that were young at the time, remember.

I was not a fan of the President--had heard too much about his rich lifestyle and rumors of mob connections with his family.  It had been my first election to vote in and I had not voted for him.  I was more in like with him when he ended the Cuban Missile Crisis.  We were in the height of the Cold War.  The Russian's had the capability to bomb the heck out of us with their long range missile's.  He didn't seem to be doing a very good job talking detente with them and, I thought he was a bit slow in helping the Civil Rights movement.

I had three young children--and had started back to college.  I was sitting in Political Science class, of all things, when a young man came in, walked over and whispered in the Professor's ear.  The prof screamed "NO!", sat down in his chair and laid his head on his desk, sobbing and wailing, "no, no, no,"  We all looked at each other--we thought perhaps one of his children had been killed or something.  

Suddenly the public address system crackled and we heard the announcement.  

"President Kennedy has been shot and killed in Dallas Texas.  We urge everyone to leave campus immediately and go home.  The campus will be closed."

As we hurried out into the halls, toward the exits, there were comments from some of the other Professor's that they thought the assassination was a signal for the Russian's to flick the switch and send their ICBM's toward the United States.  All I could think about was getting out of the city--Flint was a huge manufacturing town at the time.  I thought surely it would be a target--we had heard they would hit the manufacturing cities first.

The normally forty-five minutes drive home, took me about thirty minutes that day.  I stopped at my neighbor's to pick up the kids.  She was shaking, as was I.  Our husband's were still in the GM manufacturing plant in Flint.  Would they be killed?  It was almost as if we kept listening for a loud boom to come from that direction.

There were only three stations on television at that time--I immediately turned on CBS--which came in the clearest from our antennae.  The TV stations weren't on 24 hours back then, so I watched until they went off at night and then first thing in the morning.  I sat watching on Sunday morning, when Lee Harvey Oswald was shot by Jack Ruby on LIVE coverage.  That was shocking to me!

I have often wondered what our society would be like if Kennedy had remained alive and run for re-election. Surely, he would have won.  Would there have been the anti-war demonstrations?  Would there have been the race riots?

Now--fifty years later, a lot of records have been opened for public view.  We now know of Kennedy's drug abuse and sexual affairs.  Jackie was also on a drug regimen.  Jack had to have pain meds several times a day, and then amphetamine injections to counter act the mind numbing effect of the pain meds, plus testosterone injections everyday to make him feel and appear vital and young.  Jackie frequently got amphetamine injections.  When Robert Kennedy found out about it, he talked to Jack's "Feel Good" doctor about it.  It is now accepted by most doctor's that Jack would not have lived through a second term--the drug use would have killed him, as it caused high cholesterol (450) and high blood pressure, along with damage to his organs and his Addison's Disease.

Bobby actually ran most of the day-to-day business in the White House--I wish he could have become President--I think he might have done a good job.

(Can you imagine if he held the office today--with all the media coverage we see?  He probably would have had to resign.His sexual affairs made Bill Clinton's look like nothing.)

===============================

I never held with any of the conspiracy theories.  However, I recently watched a PBS documentary, with doctor's who were in the emergency room that day, and other witnesses.  The first wound to his neck, that hit Connely, was not fatal.  It would have knocked him over to safety, IF he hadn't been wearing his metal back brace that kept him upright.  The second shot--the fatal one that blew his head open, came from a different trajectory and is thought to be from the second car where the Secret Service guys were riding.  The bullet in Kennedy's neck and the one in his head are two different calibers.

This documentary states that; the night before, the Secret Service men were having a party--mot of them were drunk and hungover the next day.  One of the guys was fairly new on the job and appeared to be more sober then the rest.  They put  him in the passenger seat of the car.  He had a rifle at his feet.

When they heard the first shot, he grabbed the rifle and stood up.  The Secret Service driver car then tromped on the gas, which threw him back a bit and caused the rifle to go off.  Apparently, they believe, this is the fatal shot.  A lot of CSI people, doctors and medical examiners agree with this theory.  We will probably never know--as some of those Secret Service men are still alive.

What I find the most tragic actually--Jack and Jackie were never really in love.  They had a part to play, an image to show to the world--the golden couple.  Much like Charles and Diana.  Jack still kept up his sexual affairs and Jackie knew about them.  She spent a lot of time away from the White House, to keep from hearing the rumors that the staff laughed about.

It was only after Patrick died, that they became closer.  They seemed to be falling in love when he was killed. 

Whichever "party" we belonged too, as a nation, we all sat glued to the TV and cried for an entire four days.  We, as a people and a nation, lost our innocence that day so long ago. 

Epiphany

Today's high temperature was: 45 degrees

Grey. rainy, much colder tonight

==============================

Back story?  Semi-autobiographical?  Fiction based on fact?  Are you kidding me?  Who could have that kind of life?

I honestly wondered at one time, if perhaps I WAS capable of putting a bad curse on people.  Not that I ever wanted to, but it seemed men I had known and cared for deeply and saw a future with AND DUMPED ME were dying at a rapid rate--for no known reason.  They were all healthy and all of a sudden, they weren't.  How could a pastor die from liver cancer?  He never drank in his life.  How could a health nut, who worked out every day plus, ran 10 miles each day, drop over dead of a heart attack?  How does a man in his sixties, who worked hard as a mechanic, suddenly have blood cancer and die within weeks?  And the last man--so vital, and young.  Doing work for everyone in the neighborhood--the one who hurt me the most--die in such a horrific manner? Well--that WAS fiction.  Yes, at one time he suffered with bad burns, but he recovered and a three years later, last year, died of 20 different cancers in his body.

Only one thing they all had in common.  They all had dumped me in a ruthless way and now--they are all dead.  I once told Fred to be careful, and then I told him the stories.  He laughed, said he was "safe" because he would never hurt me.  Then of course, he died, which hurt me the most.
======================================
This blog post spoke to me this morning.  I feel like Bella is talking about my life.  I suppose if Fred were still here, I would still be doing what she and her husband are doing.  Left alone, I have become an introvert--heck I am real near being a recluse!  The thing of it is, I know it and don't really mind.  Is it a commonality of getting older?  Wanting to have our alone time?  Liking the quietness?  Finding excuses to just stay at home?  Or perhaps, as I have felt, I have always been a loner and the past years were me trying to be something I wasn't.  Trying to be liked so I had the jokes and the quick wit to say something funny and the parties and the laugh.  Now--I'm not going to even try.  As I told Bethie this morning that I wasn't going to the November Third Thursday of the Month luncheon.  I just didn't feel like putting forth the effort and believe me--today, it would have taken all my gumption to attend.
====================================
Well--now I am getting ticked off!  I first found out Jen was mad at me in April.  It didn't really bother me for seven months.  Nothing seemed much different.  In the summer of 2012, after my hip surgery, when I could get around better, I begged her to invite me over for supper, or for us to go out.  She promised to "do" a supper with me at the Black Rock restaurant--I gave her the gift certificate for it.  I asked her to please let me know when the kids were involved in something at church/school/sports, so I could attend.  To let me know a day I could take them to play putt putt golf.  Never happened.

Last Thanksgiving, she called to tell me Eric's mother, brother and friend were coming in and she would let me know what time to come over.  I looked forward to it, as I like Eric's mother and we have a good time talking, playing cards and games with the kids.  By 6:00 Thanksgiving evening, I kind of figured perhaps they weren't having their celebration until Saturday or perhaps Sunday.  Well, the next Monday arrived and no calls--nothing.  I finally called Jen and asked her what had happened and she said, "We got so busy, I forgot."  Nice huh?

So this year, I started the procedure over again, asking when I could see the kids or come over for a play day or whatever.  I stopped over one Sunday in February, unannounced, and she acted very irritated.  Then the whole debacle in going to her church, during Lent.  Her excuse always was, "We didn't have time to call and tell you where we were going to sit."  Then in April, I got her first e-mail.

So now, her last e-mail said that I never had time for the kids. Could I send her a rebuttal e-mail and bring up the things she has done over the past two years?  Of course I could.  What would be her reply?  "It's always all about you, isn't it?"  Could I send her an e-mail or letter explaining that 3,500 people DID NOT see the post and she is incorrect in her assumptions about blogs?  Sure I could.  Would she respond?  Of course not!  Because it would be all "about me" trying to justify my actions.

Now, she says it is my fault that "the family won't see the kids on Christmas Eve."  Except--the "family" sees them all the time.  Karen tutors them, Pammie baby sits them, Susan sees them and Mark saw them just two weeks ago when they all met for their Dad's going to Florida get together.  Except Jen who stayed home because she was "sick"--sure she was.  She's not too keen on her Dad either.

So--I won't see them.  How is that any different then it has been for the last 10 years?  How she promised me if I moved down here, I would baby sit Andrew and she would pay me $500.00 a month (which was figured into my budget) and then changed her mind.  AND OF COURSE I was suppose to understand.

With nothing being any different in our relationship, except she has made it "official" that I am dead to her, why am I upset?  I still have my three children that love me and want to be with me.  I still have grandchildren (including hers) that love me and want to be with me.  It appears to me to be a "cut off your nose to spite your face" kind of thing.

That ticks me off and that feeling, is all I need to put it all back on her decision to act this way, and get me out of this pit!!!

Pearl and I were talking about this just  yesterday.  Her oldest daughter didn't speak to or see her for two years.  Pearl had no idea what brought it on, but she just let her daughter be and a couple of years ago, she started showing up for family gatherings again.

So--I am just going to "let my daughter be".  Her decision, her choice, her consequences.
====================================