Paranoia

I have NEVER been paranoid in my entire life--but since the last 2 years and having my words misinterpreted, and the fact that Jen's husband is waiting to strike if I goof up again--I get scared.  Especially when I am in their home, which isn't very often and not for very long at a time.

Pam called me this morning.  She only just now found my voice mail on her phone.  She thought the way we left it Wednesday was....if they had the showing she would call and let me know when she and Evan were coming over.  Since the people cancelled the showing, and she and Little Guy weren't coming over, she didn't call.

WHEW!!!  Off the hook!  Of course, all day Thursday and Friday, I racked my brain, trying to remember every word I had said to the kids.  I laid in bed both those nights, not being able to sleep and praying to God to "fix it". 

These kids are not at all like Karen's kids.  They are very sensitive and take things quite personally.  (They are going to have a hard time in life, aren't they?)  So, I never know what I might say jokingly could be heard and repeated to Mom or Dad in a different context.

So--Pammie is bringing Evan over either Monday on his birthday or Tuesday.  It matters naught to me which day.
<this evening I was sitting out on the porch thinking and it occurred to me, if that family moves to New Jersey, I won't see them very often and...I just might rest a whole lot easier.  Not nice to say, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about every word that comes out of my mouth!>
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A nice thing this morning, around 10:00..in drove my sister and BIL and he had his chain saw and cut down the almost dead Rose of Sharon bush in my back yard, took 4 small Maple trees out which were growing up through my Lilac bushes and taller than the buses AND, cleaned out the gutter on the long side of my porch, where I had mini Maple trees growing and a 3 feet high corn plant with a baby ear of corn on it, plus four years of packed in dead, soggy leaves, as my porch is right under the giant Maple tree.

The bush to the right of my shed

Bush is down, now to tie it up in 4 feet length bundles for the yard waste people.

 

These kids work well together. 

Maple tree piles

My roof top garden!

Chuckie doesn't like heights so Susan is steadying the ladder for him. 

My corn plant.  Chuck wanted to know if I were going to boil it for his lunch!

I am so blessed to have these two living close.  These are chores that children or grand children should do, but....................................probably they would if I ever asked them?  Anyway--Susan, Chuck and I have a great time together.  Lots of laughing goes on.

Na Da

I have heard nothing from Pammie.  I know she was busy mowing her lawn today and probably tomorrow, so I will call her on Sunday afternoon to see about Monday.

I cut my perennials back this afternoon.  I found out something today---I can now bend over---way over to cut off the flowers.  Last fall I couldn't do that.  So, finally 3 years out from my last hip surgery and I am now flexible enough to bend over and way down. :-)

Of course tonight, my back and calves are a bit sore, but I am so happy.  When I had surgery, the ortho doc told me "nine months" before I'd be completely pain free.  The PT people told me, more like 18 months.  Others who had had hip surgery said, "more like two to three years."  The hip patients are right.  It has only been this summer that I can walk farther than ever and climb easier and now...bend over easier.  I have my flexibility back...and my balance.

There are an awfully lot of nerves that are cut in hip surgery, muscle, tendons.  It takes quite a long time for all those things to reconnect.  It is a very large area (inside) that is cut, removed and readjusted.  So, my scars have been gone for a year, but now...perhaps everything inside has settled down?

I Just Don't Know.....

I had a wonderful day yesterday afternoon.

Pammie called and told me I could come over to Jen's to see Evan's fish--as his mother had told him when I was there. visiting with Chris, the first of the month.

Evan will be 4 on Monday.  Yesterday was Jen and Eric's 15 wedding anniversary so they were away on a whole day trip of some kind.

I got my hair cut and stopped at Dollar General to pick up some toys Pam had suggested I get for Evan's birthday.  I have never been in a Dollar store.  I figured it was all a lie--that some stuff would be a dollar, but the rest wouldn't.

Well in this store, everything was a dollar!!!!!!!  I got him 5 toys and a Diet Pepsi = $6.00!  Amazing.

Then I drove on over to Jen's and parked at the end of their street so I could pick up Elise and Alex when they got off the school bus.  They have to walk a couple of blocks.

They seemed glad to see me and on the way uo to their house, we chatted about school and their new back packs and all good things.

When I walked into the house, Evan squealed and ran to Pammie.  I heard the oldest Andrew yell, "Dad?"

Pammie said, "No, it's gramma Judy."

Andrew came bounding up the stairs from his bedroom in the basement and gave me big hug.  You could have knocked me over with a feather.  This is not like Karen's family.  This is not a huggy family and I don't think Andrew has hugged me since he was eight years old.

Nearly 14, he is almost as tall as I am, has his hair cut a bit long and it is curly.  He looks the spitting image of his grandpa, my ex did at that age.  I almost swooned!

I asked him if he liked High School and if he was still taking Karate and playing Lacrosse.

"Yes, I'm still in Lacrosse.  No I gave up Karate for Lacrosse, but now, I am on the schools boxing team."

"What?  You are going to ruin your handsome face!"

He just giggled.

"Are you taking any advanced classes this year?"

"Yep.  Calculus, Trigonometry and Chemistry."
<yikes>

I walked into the kitchen and talked a bit with Pammie and Elise and Alex and then Evan finally came up and said, "Mimi Gramma Judy, come upstairs and you can see my fish."

So up the 19 steps we scampered.  Well, he scampered and I struggled.

He was waiting for me at the top.

"Now, show me which room is yours," I said, even though I knew.

So he gave me the tour of Alex room and then Elise and then his--which was used as the nursery for all the kids.

"Wow!  How many fish do you have?"

"I has free...I mean thu-er-eee."

"What kind of fish are they?"

"They aren't special--no.  They don't need special water.  We got them at the fair.  We had eight, but most of them died."

"What is that motor for.  The one with the tube on it?"

"Oh...that is to pump air bubbles into the water.  Fish need air...ah...ox-ee-jin, so they can breve."

He went running across the "bridge" that is open to the entry way below, and threw a toy into his parents bedroom.

Pammie must have heard his foot steps from down below because she came and looked up at us and said, "Evan, get out of your parents bedroom.  You know you aren't supposed to go in there.  Aunt Pammie isn't even allowed to go in there."

There I stood, in the doorway of this forbidden room, not wanting to step inside, but trying to find where he had thrown his toy.  They were having a "showing" today so I knew, we had to keep things picked up and clean.

"Can you go in there and get your toy.  It's under the bed and Gramma can't get down there to get it."

He ran and went sliding in on the wood floor.  Then he slid and wiggled under the bed.

Pam yelled again and I explained, "He is just getting his toy out from under the bed.  We'll be right down."

As soon as he came out, "Good job,"I said and then closed the door.

He slide down the stairs on his bottom and I limped down.

Pretty soon it was time for Pam to take Alex to Soccer practice, so I made my goodbyes.

I limped down the 15 steps to the basement, knocked on Andrew's open door and told him I was leaving.  He showed me his new computer.

"Wow, that is a beauty," I said.

"I built it myself," he said.

"Is it one of those super CAD ones--with all the power?"

He looked at me like I knew what I was talking about.

"Yeah.  It's got .........................bandwidth and...................mega hertz and...................."

I was completely lost.  

"Well, I gotta get going."

"Okay Gramma."

and I got another hug.

I floated back up those 15 steps.

As I was leaving, Pam said, "Evan and I might come over tomorrow during the showing.  Are you going to be home?"

"Yup.  Come on over."

"Okay.  If not tomorrow, for sure on his birthday Monday or Tuesday.  They have a showing both of those days. I'll call and let you know."

"Great!  I can't wait!"
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I got up early this morning and got the house cleaned up and vacuumed.  Found the box of toys Evan's siblings used to play with when I took care of them--which, at one time, was often.

I didn't know what time the showing was, but I was eager and waiting and...................anticipating--with expectations.

How many times have I told others with tenuous family relationships not to anticipate or expect a thing?

At 3:00 I called Pam and left a message on her voice mail.

She has not answered back and it's 9:00.

Now, I worry and wonder, what did I do wrong?
Did I say something wrong and the kids innocently told their parents what Gramma Judy said?
Did Evan tell his parents that I was in their bedroom?
Do they have nanny cams or security cameras that show me standing in their bedroom doorway?

I have been racking my brain all afternoon and I cannot come up with a thing except...I offered to help Elise pick up her room for "the showing tomorrow" and she said, "we aren't having one tomorrow."  Perhaps her parents hadn't told her and I let it out?

Now--I'm worried that Pam won't be able to bring Evan over first of next week and I will be back at square one of 3 years ago.  

The evil, bad, Gramma.

I almost hate going over to their house.  There are "egg shells" covering every floor and it makes me nervous trying not to step on them!!!
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Well at least, I got to see all of them yesterday and that was a good thing.

Weird. Weird. Just Plain Weird!

Sometimes Dar brings it on herself.  She is very quick with saying critical, biting things.  She is sarcastic.  I understand making sarcastic comments can get one in trouble--been there, done that!

I found out why Connie took the kids and left early.  One of the grand kids said, "I'm glad you haven't moved, Grandma."

Connie said, "Grandma can't sell this place and move.  My name is on the title."

Dar replied, "And one of these days, Grandma is going to give your mother some money and get her name off the title.  She needs money right now, more than she needs the title to this place."
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I look around at families I know and I see why the people I know, act like they do.  There is an underlying problem from childhood--usually perpetrated by a parent.  It seems to come down from the generations before and continues.

Dar's mother was very cool to her, could be biting with words at times.  Because Dar's mother's mother was like that.  Dar is like that.  Three generations that I know off and Dar's children are like that.  4 generations.

Pearl's mother left when Pearl was 6 years old.  Left her with her Dad, who was quite critical of her.  

Pearl is very critical of her two daughter's, and they of her.  

I was there last evening and Pearl's daughter Marge came to visit.  They were at each other immediately.  Pearl telling Marge, "Why would you come by this late in the evening?"  Marge asking about them getting new faucets and Pearl had written down the figures on the un-printed edge of the newspaper and Marge saying, "Why didn't you write the estimate on a piece of paper where you could read it?"

Pearl said, "I can understand it, Smart Mouth."

Marge said, "Well explain it to me."

Pearl tried and couldn't figure it out or remember.

Marge said, "A lot of good those notes are gonna do you now."

I got up and left.  I could not stand the disrespect back and forth.

It's like a way of communication that has come down through the generations to the present people.  I wonder why Dar and Pearl don't stop it from continuing, because now I see it passing from their children onto the way the younger ones talk to their mothers.
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So--I have been in the dumps for the last couple of weeks.  I don't know why.  There is no reason.

I YEARN for physical closeness.  I miss touching.  I just sat and cried the other day because my arms felt like they ached to hold a baby.  Any baby!  I just long to hold a little baby--a new born or up to 3 months old.

Right now, I so miss the physical touching of a man.  I long for a hug from a nice tall man.  When their arms just wrap around you and hold you, tightly to them.  The sound of their heart.  The way they smell.  I want to be enfolded in a nice, long hug.  

I want to hold a man's hand.  Just sit and talk while holding hands.  

Sometimes I look at John and wonder what it would be like to kiss him.  I miss kissing.  What a disaster that would be!  

I'd just like to go to sleep with a man, spooned behind me so I could feel his breath on the back of my neck, feel his arms around me and hear him breathing.

That's quite impossible because I don't know any man that would accommodate me without wondering what was up, wanting more or thinking I was interested in him.  I am NOT interested in HIM--I just long for a man--a tall man--any man.  

I need a paid man who will come to my house, sit with me and watch a football game, talk about the game, laugh, hug, cuddle, kiss and then stretch out on the bed and sleep.  One who does that as a profession and knows, nothing is meant by it.

And I need a baby.  Not for very long--just a couple of hours, so I could hold it and smell its baby smell, and let it fall asleep on my chest while we rock in my chair.
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I gotta get out of this mood!

I don't want to get stupid and kiss John and kidnap a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Local elderly woman kidnaps baby and baby's grandfather.  News at 11:00!

Poor Darlene!

I feel really sorry for Dar.

She got notice two weeks ago that her daughter Connie, who accused her mother of child abuse and then walked out and moved to Indy, with the four grandchildren, was coming for a weekend visit--Friday night through Sunday afternoon.  They wanted to stay at Dar's house.

The daughter and the grand kids lived with Dar for two years when she first moved here.

Dar got all excited and I kept warning her to "don't get your hopes up for a reconciliation",  "don't go into this with expectations", "Connie may still be nasty to you, so...just enjoy the kids."

Well Dar--because she is Dar, went nutsy-cuckoo and transferred $1,000 from her savings account to her checking account and went all bat crazy.

A re-do of her small bathroom, down by her extra bedrooms.  Vanity, toilet, flooring.
New linens for the two bedrooms and curtains.
$300.00 worth of food because, "each kid wants something different."
All sorts of planned activities, on and on.
New Mums for her garden.

Connie was supposed to arrive at 8:00 pm, after Dar got off work.  Connie showed up at 2:00 and they all trooped into Meijers and up to Dar's check-out lane.  She was busy and could not talk.

One of the kids parked their car in my driveway, which was fine with me, but the girl never even came up to the door to say "Hi", even though I knew her quite well when they lived here.

The kids spent the night Friday night, then Dar made them a huge breakfast with all sorts of Belgium waffles; strawberry, blueberry, plain, poached eggs, sausage links AND patties, a large fruit bowl, cinnamon rolls and special coffee.

Dar's Dad came over.  He had specifically requested Connie and the kids come for a visit.  At 94, he wanted to see them again.

I saw cars pull away at 2:00 on Saturday, figuring they were all going out for lunch or a movie or some other activity.
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I wondered what was going on Saturday evening, when only Dar's car was there.

I wondered what was going on all day Sunday, when only Dar's car was there.

I almost walked over, but figured I knew what had happened and Dar probably needed at least a day to get out of her hyper-panicked, hysterical, depressed mode and a bit back to normal.
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She came over this morning.  

First off--it threw her when they arrived early, wanted the key to her house and were there for six hours before she got home.

#2:  Her oldest grand girl, Zoe, who parked in my driveway, brought her boyfriend and they took a bedroom and slept together.  Dar was ticked off big time.  Connie knew her mother wouldn't go for that, but didn't say a word until it was time for bed.

#3.  Her youngest grand girl, Hope, at 7 years old, whom Dar had practically raised from birth, acted like a snot and wasn't very receptive to her Grandma.

#4.  She hardly recognized her middle grand girl, who is quite tall, looks and dresses like a boy and has declared, at 13, that she is a Lesbian.

#5.  At the breakfast table, the oldest grand girl was talking about the new panties they make for when you "menstruate."  You don't have to wear a tampon or pad.  They are similar to the new incontinence panties and cost $35.00 a pair.  All this in front of the boyfriend.  Dar was embarrassed out of her mind!

#6.  At 1:30, Connie, stood up and stated, "Well kids, we came to see Great Grand Papa and we've seen him.  Let's head home."  and off they went half an hour later.

No staying through the weekend.  Connie never addressed her Mother, only made indirect comments meant for Dar to hear.  
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Needless to say, for Dar, it was an awful visit.  She said, "I just kept repeating in my head, ' Enjoy the kids.  Enjoy the kids.' " 

"It's a good thing you didn't come over yesterday," she said.  "I was in a terrible state and you would have wanted to take me to the hospital!"
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I know how she felt.  We tell ourselves not to have any expectations, but there always is and when things don't turn out like we think they will, it is a terrible blow to our emotions.

WE ARE THE MOTHER'S!
WE ARE THE GRANDMA'S!

We think they should respect us, love us and treat us nicely.  Very often, it doesn't happen that way.

Busy

Yes--I've been busy, but it hasn't entailed any exercise and I can tell.  My calf's ache from sitting too much.

I have been doing a genealogy search for Chris' family and have been very successful.  I spent about 6 hours everyday on Ancestry.com.  It is done now.  All I need do it put it together and print it out.

I'm just trying to get money so I can get my car fixed.  I lucked out with the radiator repair.  Because I told them they could keep my car for as long as they needed, they could order a less expensive radiator from another supplier, who took longer to ship it.  Still, it was over $300.00.  Now I need to get the two Serpentine belts = $150.00 parts/labor.

I got my car back Friday, and did a lot of running around for stuff I had to get.  

Thursday evening, John and Maisey stopped in for a quick porch chat.  He has either a bad cold or the flu.  He looks and feels miserable.  He said he'd take me to get my car.

Pearl called Friday morning, Merle had gotten home from work early.  She said, "We are running into Brighton for groceries.  Do you want me to pick up something for you?"

I said, "No.  Instead of a pick-up, can I get a drop-off?"

So I rode into town with them and got my car.
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Today, I've just been basically sitting in my chair, watching college football and crocheting or knitting for Chris.  She has come up with another idea for a lacy shawl--crocheted.  I cannot wait to test that one!  Gotta get the Queen size bed cover and bath mitt done first however.

It is turning Autumn here.  Lovely sunshine, nice breeze, but cold at night and only in the high 60's during the day.  My kind of weather.  I have a whole lot of garden work to do too.  Cutting back the perennials and cleaning up the gardens.

I need to drain the water heater too and buy and install a new furnace filter.  Fasting Cholesterol blood test and flu shot at the docs.

I think the first week of October, I am going to have to let my handiwork sit and get outside and do my chores.

I think I need to make a list because my mind/memory seems to be going.  I never had to make lists in the old days.  When I worked, I never carried a Franklin Planner with notes written in it.

All of what I had to do, or where I had to go, or whatever, was stored in my brain and I never missed.  Now, even though I put everything on my calendar, in red--appointment wise--I forget things I need to do around the house.  

Things as simple as, "don't forget to clean the litter box."  Simple things like that.  It worries me that my memory is failing.  I can tell you the exact year and day I lost my virginity, but I can't tell you what I ate for supper last night.  It is very weird!!

And The Beat Goes On

...and I am really tired of being beat up!!

I had to run up to Brighton yesterday.  Glad I stopped and got a Subway for supper and today's lunch.

I pulled into my driveway, parked my car and heard a strange, wet sound.

Got out to look and apparently the small leak in the car radiator had given way, because a lot of green tinted liquid was pouring from the front of my car.

On August 29th, John told me that rather than me taking my car back to the service garage to get a new radiator, he knew a guy who did car repairs out of his home and would get that guys phone number, right away.

"It will be half the price the service garage quoted you."

So, here we are, three weeks later.  Every time I asked him he'd say, "Yup.  I know right where that phone number is and I'll call you today."  Every.  Damn.  Time.  I. Asked!!

He and Maisey stopped in last night for a porch chat and he noticed the large puddle of anti-freeze under my car.

"What happened?"

"The radiator gave way and I lost all the coolant."

"What are you going to do?"

"Get a new radiator."

"Well, you better wash that anti-freeze off your cement.  It is poisonous to dogs.  I wouldn't want Maisey to lick it."

If it wasn't for Maisey, who was enjoying treats out of my hand, I would have kicked John out of his chair and off my porch!  I mean--literally kicked him!

It was all I could do to hold myself in and not slap his face or yell at him.
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This morning, I called the towing company and had them take my car into the service garage.  I hope my Road Service pays the $86.50 for the tow.

I got paid today, for work I've done for Chris and I think I can squeeze the rest for the repair, out of my checking--if I don't buy any groceries.

AND--when I get my car back, I am going to drive out to where John said the guy lives and I will stop and get his phone number and an estimate on what it will cost to get the 2 new serpentine belts put on.  

AND--when John wants work done on his car, and can't remember or find the guys number, do you think I'm going to tell him I know it."

Ain't happening!!!

I have always despised procrastinators and do not/will not be held captive by their bad habit!!