Today's high temperature was: 72 degrees
Today's humidity was: 60%
Sunny, a nice breeze- PERFECT!
Someday's I wonder who in the heck am I. I feel strange in my head at times. I don't have the same reactions, fears or thoughts that I have had most of my life. Things that I use to be so definite about, now I find grey areas. I don't have much motivation. Late in the evening, when I really feel awake and alive, I think about what I am going to do the next day. Then, in the morning, I wake up and I just don't care.
What's up with that?
I always feel better mentally and physically if I get out, or do a chore, but the motivation to do that...just isn't there. I feel like I have to force myself to get out of bed..to get outside...to even move out of my chair.
No--I am not depressed--I don't think. I've never been a lazy person. I don't know..........maybe I AM losing my mind.
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My alarm went off at 8:00, as usual. I turned it off, rolled over and went back to sleep until 10:00, as usual. I so want to stop this habit! But--I don't feel awake until around 10:00 at night, so...I stay up until 2-3 or 4. No wonder I can't wake up at 8:00. It's summer! Lots of light in the morning. Lots of time to get things done! I tried going to bed last night at 11:00--couldn't sleep. Took a Melatonin, still couldn't sleep. Finally at 2:00, I took a Benedryl--then I slept and I must have slept well because, when I made the bed this morning, I only had to pull up the covers on my side of the bed. The covers weren't wrinkled, the other side, still made up.
I got up, fed the cats and sat down at the computer for two hours! It was noon--I hadn't eaten yet--walked up to Pearl's for a chat for an hour. When I got back home, I got a half a sandwich, and sat down in my chair. I was going to watch a movie.
Then I remembered--the big chore I wanted to do outside. It was my kind of weather--cool, with a nice breeze. I made myself get up and outside and worked on the chore. Hard work and I got it done. Not perfect, but...good enough. The lawn area under the bird feeders is now level with the rest of the lawn--not that 8 inch mound anymore.
Nice and level
I used my garden fork to dig with, to loosen it up with, then shoveled all the chunks into yard waste bags--it took two, only about 1/4 full--I could hardly drag them to the drive. Then I raked it. Now, I just need to put a bit of grass seed on it and all is well.
My back was screaming like a banshee, so I put a DVD of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" in the player, sat down and cross stitched while I watched it. I haven't seen the movie since it's release, some 40 years ago and had forgotten how hilarious and sad it was. When it was over, I felt unsettled.
I got up and moved around a bit and went outside to check out my Freddy Gifts. The lilies are still beautiful--the one by the front porch steps still has not bloomed, but is loaded with buds. I think the pink one is my favorite.
Maybe that's what is wrong with me. I had a sad time last night and today, thinking about Fred a lot. I go days without even thinking of him and then---BAM--for no reason. I don't understand it. Maybe I didn't grieve hard enough or long enough? Maybe this is some delayed shit?
I have been feeling so upbeat lately and now...beat down. I tell you---my moods are like the temperature--way high one day, cool the next.
...and yet--I feel different. I ponder on that--I ponder way too much. Always trying to figure things out.
I don't have the fears I use too. I don't have the feeling that I am being ridiculed by the elders anymore. I have such freedom and I like it. Maybe it's this new person that is emerging from the constraints of so many years--and thus, it feels strange? Even a bad habit is missed when it is gone.
Maybe that's it! Maybe it is this feeling of finally being free for the first time in my life and I am not use to that. I don't have to be continually thinking of how I can be pleasing or please the Daddy and step-mother. I actually have no one I have to account to.
I have no one, but me. Now that is something I certainly am not use to!!!
Maybe I feel a bit lost from all the recent changes? I just don't feel real comfortable in my own skin.
Who am I? I guess I better get to it and figure that all out!!!