The Nutsey-Cuckoo's Are Out in Full Force

The weather here has been just perfect!  Low humidity and mid 70's.  My kind of weather.  I feel much better when it is cooler.  Plus, I don't like being closed up in the house.  It's really no different than being closed up in winter, except the A/C is running, instead of the furnace.  

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My next door neighbor, the Wiccan, had a weeks vacation so she has been doing yard work.  Well, kinda.  She came over one day because she wanted to look out through my window to see the view of her yard.  She had mowed her lawn, but there were 3 feet high weeds all along the edge of her house and around every bush and tree.

I said, "It is looking pretty nice.  Did the weed whipper I gave you break?" (snotty remark)

"No.  Why?"

"I wondered.  There are a lot of tall weeds around your house and raised gardens."

"Oh.  I never even seen them."

So, she went back home and proceeded to cut them down.  My view has improved, but---she has such a clutter of "stuff".  Every time I turn around, she is out in the yard digging another hole to plant another tree or bush or raised bed or something!    With no rhyme or reason.  

Last year she planted a Golden Chain tree, which will grow to be 25 feet tall, 6 feet from her house.  Then she planted a Smoke Tree in the very middle of her yard.   Tuesday she planted a Snow Ball bush.   Yesterday she informed me that she was going to get a Black Locust tree and plant it.

When I told her those can grow to 40 feet, she didn't care.  "They have such pretty flower clusters that hang down from the branches."

"Yeah, for about two weeks.  They also have sharp spikes that grow on the trunks."

This morning, I kid you not--I looked out my kitchen window and she was looking down at her Lilac bush that had died last year, and she was crying!  I opened the window and said, "Are you all right?"

"My Lilac bush died.  I'm so sad---every tree and bush has a Goddess in it and now this one is dead!"

GOOD GRIEF.

Then she came up to the window and told me, "My young friend just had her first baby.  A girl.  She's a Goth Wiccan and she told me, 'no pink for my girl', so I bought the baby a black onesie that says, "Wiccan Princess" on the front.  It is so cute!"

I said, "Oh my Gosh!  That poor little girl has her future determined before she is one day old."

My neighbor replied, "I know.  Cool, huh?"

My view of part of her yard:

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My neighbor kitty-corner across the street, whose name is Dar, came over 3 times yesterday.  The first time was when she got back from her appointment for the EMG.  She has been bragging and telling everyone that her "case" is so complicated that she can't go to just any Physical Therapist, she has been referred to a MEDICAL Physical Therapist!  Because, as we all know, ad nauseaum, any time Dar has a medical problem, it is not like anyone else.  She has a very complicated system and she needs only the best experts taking care of her.

When she walked into my house, I took one look at her and thought, "Oh no!  Here we go!"

She plopped down in the rocking chair, lit up her cigarette and said, "I just got home and came right over.  I am a wreck and I knew you could calm me down."

"What happened?"

"By the time I got to the Medical therapist's office I was already a basket case.  She explained that I might need to get some tests.  An MRI, Ultra Sound, EMG and other tests.  She showed me how the EMG works and then started to get the machine ready and............well...........I got hysterical, jumped up from the chair and backed into the corner."

"What?"

"I wasn't going to let her stick those electrified needles in my arm!  I told her not to come near me.  She's just a little thing, I could probably have taken her down."

"Oh my."

"Then she promised she wouldn't do any tests and wanted to take my blood pressure.  It was 212 over 140.  She got concerned and told me I had to go over to the ER.  She was afraid I was going to have a stroke or a heart attack or a brain bleed!  I am on blood thinners ya know.  I could have a brain bleed from high blood pressure."

"What did they do in the ER?"

"Oh.  I didn't go.  I just had my son drive me back home and I stopped in at my doctor's office and demanded to see him,  'Right now!', I told his receptionist."

"Did you get to see him?"

"Yes.  Of course.  They put me in front of the rest of his patients in the waiting room.  They know, when I'm in that kind of state, they better see me quick!"

"What did he say?"

"He increase my blood pressure medicine to twice a day, and he upped the strength of my nerve medicine."

"Oh, what kind of tranquilizer do you take?"

"Tranzine."

"I've never heard of that one."

"It's an old one.  I've taken it for years.  I can't take the newer ones, because I can't take a chance on what they would do to my system.  I have a very complicated system that reacts to drugs differently than anyone else."

"So.  Now what?  Are you going back to the therapist?"

"Yes.  I go back next Thursday.  Today was just a test run."

"You have pain in your legs, right?"

"Yes.  And a heaviness."

"Your arms are always numb?"

"Yes.  All the time."

"Well, Dar...the only way they can find which nerve is pinched or which nerves are causing this numbness and pain, they have to do an EMG.  That test will show them where the problem is."

"(Sigh).  You don't understand.....they don't understand!  I. Am. On. Coumadin!  If they start putting needles in my arm, I could bleed to death!"

 I shake my head.  Bleed to death?  

"Don't you get regular blood tests?"

"Yes.  Piece of cake."

"If you don't bleed to death when they stick a needle in the inside crook of your elbow, why would you think you'd bleed to death with a needle on the outside of your arm?"

(Silence)

"My body is very complicated.  It's used to blood tests, it has never had an EMG.  I could bleed to death!"

"I'm sure they know you are on Coumadin.  I'm sure they know the test won't make you bleed to death.  You'll be fine.  Just put your mind on something else while they do the test."

"I can't do that!  I have to feel in control and I didn't feel in control and I went hysterical!"

"Remember what you read in your Bible.  You have NO control over much of life.  You say you are a strong Christian, then............put your trust in God and Jesus.  Recite the 23rd Psalm while you are having the EMG and trust that God will take care of you."

She left within a few minutes.  Apparently she talks a big talk about her beliefs, but doesn't quite walk the talk?

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She was back within the next two hours to tell me, "I just wanted you to know.  I told my son that he has until the end of June to take the kids and get out of my house.  I can't live this way anymore!"

Then she made one more trip over to give me a book she knew I'd just love!

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Never in my entire life have I EVER met people like these two neighbors!!  I didn't even KNOW there were people like them walking around freely..unchained!   

News From The Front

I did tell you my October expected great grand babe is a girl.  Right?  I did tell you that.

Her youngest Aunt, my Precious Girl Madeleine, had been taking care of a 90 year old lady at night.  NOT part of her nurses training, just because she wanted to and got $$ for it.  The 90 year old lady died last week and Maddie was upset because, her supervisor told her not to go to work that night.  The lady was in Hospice care and near the end.  Her supervisor thought it wouldn't be a good idea for a young woman to be there when the lady died.  Maddie WANTED to be there and was very upset that she couldn't be.  

Karen called the supervisor and talked with her about it.  "Where did this daughter of yours come from?"  asked the supervisor.  "Most people, especially young people wouldn't want to with a dying person!"

I have often wondered the same thing.  Maddie is an extraordinary young women.   She heard that the lady she stayed with in Guatemala last spring was not feeling well, so, Maddie got on a plane, all by herself and flew down there to be with the lady for the next two weeks.  

I think Maddie is part Angel, sent here for all of us to learn from.  Which makes me have a weird thought that she is SO good, that God may call her back early.   (I told you it was a weird thought).
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The last e-mail I got from Jennifer stated that she had received a GREAT invitation and promotion from her Law firm here in Michigan, IF she would move back to Michigan.  That invitation came with an appointment to our State Capitol where she would work with the Governor on setting up Non-Profits in Michigan.  Apparently she is the expert on that and has been to many conferences around the US and in Europe just for that purpose.

Well, when Eric's father heard about that, he told Eric that he wanted him to take over the father's main office in Manhattan.  The largest office.  The multi-million dollar prosthetic/orthotics office in New York City.  Jennifer let her Law office here know that she would be staying in New Jersey.

Well, I just found out, Eric's father has rescinded his offer!!!!!

Over the last 14 years, Eric's father had given him this offer.  Eric has gone to New Jersey for a month each time--6 times in all.  He always came back here with the declaration, "I can't work with my father!"  One such time, 7 years ago, the moving vans were coming to Eric and Jen's on a Saturday morning to move them to NJ.  On Friday night , we had all gathered at their house, to say Good-bye.  The next morning she called to say they had changed their mind.

That's why last fall, we didn't get too ramped up--until we actually saw them and the moving company drive out of their driveway.

Now this!  Eric hasn't worked since November 2014. Jen has been supporting the whole family.  Pam is so mad she's spitting nails!  She flat out told Jen to, "Move back here.  I've got plenty of room for you and the kids to stay with me!"

I, of course, do not verbalize any opinions, because it's much better that way.
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I am a bit ticked off at my sister.  When I was out visiting her, after the estate sale, not once did I bring up the subject of how much they made, what our share would be, or anything of that nature.  I felt it was up to her to tell me and be fair in what amount she gave me.  

A few days later she called and asked me what I wanted to do with my share.

"I talked with Pam on the best way to set this up.  Either an account in her and your names.  Or an annuity, with both your names. What do you want to do?"

I had no idea how much my share was.  If it was $500.00, I'd take it in cash.  If it was $1 million, I'd set up an annuity.  I wondered why she had talked to Pam about it before she talked to me.

"How much did you make?"  I asked

"Well, how do you want your share?"

"I gotta know how much it is before I figure out what to do!"

She finally told me.  "I'll call you back," I said.

An hour later, the phone rang.  It was Karen.  "Mom!  Are you excited about how much you got from the sale?"

GEEZ LOUISE!  I wondered how many other people knew what my share was BEFORE I did!
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Pardon my language, but things like this really piss me off!!!  

Just like with my son's cancer.  Everyone knew before I did.  Now, apparently my sister talked with my kids to see how they should arrange for Old Decrepit Judy's OWN inheritance.

My share is far less than they got from their grand father, eight years ago.  I would have told them, eventually, but I didn't think it was up to my sister to call them and discuss all this before she talked to me!

It makes me feel that they feel I am so old and senile that I can't make a decision for myself.  One step away from the old folks home where they can control ALL my business.

Of course, I said nothing to my sister about this.  I just like to keep those feelings inside and stew in my own juices.

Tuesday, Susan called again.  "You should put it into a special checking account so you can draw from it when you need it."

"I'd like part of it in cash so I can pay for my paint job, carpet and fireplace."

"You don't want it in cash!"

"Why not?"

"Because you don't want to keep cash in your house!"

"Why not?"

"Because you never lock up your house when you leave and one of your neighbor's could break in and steal it!"

"One of my neighbors?  Which one?  Pearl?  Merle?  John?"

"Well, someone could drive by and decide to break in."

"I have kept cash in this house ever since I lived here.  No one knows I have any money.  All anyone has to do is look at my 18 year old car sitting out in front and know I don't have any money."

"Well.  I will give you cash if you promise to lock up your house every time you leave."

"That won't do any good.  My front door is so flimsy, even if it was locked, anyone could just nudge it and walk in."

"Well, do you want me to write a check?  Or do you want a Cashier's check?"

So we decided.  She would keep my inheritance in her savings account and write me a check for what I needed to get my paint job, carpet and fireplace.  She would write me a check and I would cash it when I needed it.

Yesterday, she and Chuck came down and she gave me a bank envelope with cash.  GEEZ!!

So, now I have cash in my house!  GEEZ LOUISE!!  It is so well hidden that it would take a burglar a month of Sundays to find it.  Susan said, "Just don't hide it so well you forget where you put it."

What the hell?  I am 76 years old!  Not 96!  My mind is perfectly sound and sane!  I even put a note in my Funeral Box so if I die tomorrow, Pam will know where my stash of cash is hidden!  PLUS, I made an Excel spreadsheet with how much the total amount was and when I received the cash AND that the rest is in Susan's savings account!  Printed that out and put it into the Funeral Box.  Each time I take any of it, I will record the date and how much and the total left. I don't plan on spending it, but leaving it there for any emergencies.   GEEZ!!!

I suppose now I will get phone calls from the girls telling me how much Aunt Susan gave me and how am I going to keep it hidden and what am I going to spend it on.

There isn't enough to buy a used car.  I am not going to go out on a spending spree.  I am not going to move to a different place.  I am not going to buy a new fur coat--or even a new wool coat.  I am not going to buy a new couch and recliner (although I sure need them).

AND--if I wanted to spend every last dime, it's none of their business!!!  I suppose if I did take out any more, my sister would call the kids and let them know.  So, once again, my life is being controlled!

IT'S NOT THAT MUCH MONEY, PEOPLE!!!!!  Relax! 

<I still don't know the total sales.  I still don't know what my sister's share was> 

I do not like how people, especially family treat me now that I am older!  

Don't Yell At Me!!

I know.  I know.

Five days since I've posted a thing!

I have been sooooooooooo busy.

It's been too hot and humid to think!

How did I spend my Holiday weekend?  I went out on Friday, came home, parked the car and didn't move it until yesterday.  I wouldn't have gone out then, but I had prescriptions ready at the Walmart.

Today, the humidity broke and it was a lovely day.  I hate being closed up in the house.  It's as bad as being closed up in winter, except the A/C is running, instead of the furnace.  Today, doors and windows open and some much needed rain.

I drained the water heater today.  I made my last trip to the garden center to buy 6 Wave Petunia plants at half price.  My sister and Chuck stopped in with some of my inheritance $$$ for me.

I did laundry.
I planted the last of my planters.
I stopped to drop off some books at the Salvation Army.
I stopped in to visit Pearl.
I saw Dar on the street and chatted with her.  Just enough to find out she was very angry that she went to her cousins/Dad/brother and sisters lunch meeting and found out it was a surprise party for her Dad and no one told her.  His birthday is June 14th and how DARE THEY ALL COME TO THE LUNCHEON AND NOT TELL ME IT WAS A SURPRISE FOR HIM!!!
John stopped by twice today.
Jackie is doing better.
The Wiccan neighbor came over to ask me what to do with her non-blooming Wisteria.  I wanted to tell her to just hug it and pray to the tree Goddess, but I didn't.
I went to the print shop to get my one clients book bound and ready to mail to her.
I cleaned up the house.

That was just today.  Catch up for the many hours I spent deep in the middle ages (genealogy style) over the weekend.

Life is good.  I feel great.  Now it's June and I have a lot of appointments to make and then follow through on keeping them.  Dentist.  Doctor.  Get my license renewed--this year at the DMV!

She seemed hot and tired and ready for a nap.

This could be Chip or Dale.  I don't know which one, but he's a cutie patootie.

Miss Maggie just sitting on her bottom, with paws up on the sill watching the activities 

Mrs. Robin tending to her young. 

Treasures, Traffic, Tolerance

One of the things I snagged from the estate sale, was a Castor Cruet set.  My sister had two.  One with colored glass--pink, light blue, green, red & cobalt blue cruets and this one, which is just pressed glass.  She didn't want this one, so I took it.

I remember this one sat on my great grandparents dining table every day.  The pretty one sat on the side bar/buffet purely for decoration.

Pewter frame with salt & pepper shakers, oil & vinegar cruets and mustard pot with little spoon.

I had good intentions to drain the water heater today, but it is still hot and humid outside and I didn't want to have the back door slightly open for the hose to go outside.  Instead, I stayed mostly inside, with the A/C and vacuumed and cleaned and worked on genealogy.

I spent a few hours, chasing ghosts!  My client had mentioned that she wondered if a certain ancestor had come from Scotland.  The surname certainly was the same, but absolutely no relationship to her family from Ireland.  Then I went on a deeper search and, amazingly, I found a "letter" written by one of the modern day kin, some 11th, fourth cousin, on her mothers side, who just happened to be searching for the same ancestor!!  He had actually been to Scotland, thinking he was hunting dead ancestor's and in  his quest, found they were not related in any way shape or form to the Ireland ancestor's.

How can this be?  Doesn't a surname start out in some ancient generation and remain the same with the spreading out of descendants after descendants?  

 I don't know.  It is another mystery.  I suppose if we hired a professional genealogist, which can run into the thousands and thousands of dollars for his traveling and searching, we might be able to find a record of the very first   man with our surname.  If records had been better kept and some of those files weren't marked "Private" like some I have run into.

It is exasperating.  I want to do the best I can for my clients.  Sometimes I CAN get back 25 or more generations.  Sometimes, there seem to be more Dead Ends after a few generations.

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I got a call from Walmart.  My prescription was ready.  I am all out of the pills, so I had to traverse up there and pick it up.  There was so much traffic on the road in front of my park that it took me a long time to get out, cross three lanes and get into the one headed West.

I wondered why there were semi-trucks on the road. Motor homes.  Fifth wheel campers,

I took me 30 minutes to travel 2.5 miles.  Apparently a semi had caught fire on the expressway that comes from Detroit and goes west across our state.  Two other accidents.  So bad, the Police detoured traffic from 3 miles east of Brighton, passed my park and on 2.6 miles to the next interchange, just past the Walmart store.

Coming home was a piece of cake, but at some places on the west bound side, traffic was backed up and sitting still for more than a mile.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend traffic!

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Dar stopped in this evening--at my supper time, of course.  She is rattled more than I've ever seen her.  Still not recovered from a simple fender-bender she had, so she can't work and has to stay in her house with her son and grand kids.  She signed up for Disability Insurance through her work, but it doesn't cover car accidents, so she is getting no money!  Her car Insurance just went up $80.00 even though she wasn't at fault in the accident.  They do that in a "No Fault" State.  She filed a claim to repair her car--thus HER insurance went up.

Her arms are numb from her neck down so she has to have an EMG.  She asked if I had ever had one and I said "yes."

"What's it like?" she asked.

"They put needles. connected with wires to a machine, in different parts of your arm and by your neck, then put electric pulses through the needles to see which of your nerves is causing the numbness."

"WHAT?"

"They have to see which nerves are damaged before they can treat that area."

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"You always tell me you have a high tolerance to pain....so...you should be okay."

I DID NOT tell her it was probably the most painful test I have ever had--short of a spinal tap, which I have never had!  I DID NOT tell her that when I had my EMG, the lady leaving the office just before me was crying from the pain.

You know how hysterical she gets--for any test?  She is just going to love an EMG.  June 2nd.  

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Have fun this weekend.  Be careful.  Be safe.  Remember our fallen Vets.  

Hot--Humid--Too Soon

A week and a half ago, we had snow.  Now we have 84 degrees and 67% humidity.

I don't like to sweat!  I never used to sweat!  I had heat stroke when I was 15 years old and the heat has bothered me ever since.  But--I kept the heat inside me, which is not a good thing.  Now, I sweat!  Which is a good thing.  But, I hate it!

Slimy moisture all over my face and arms.  My hair turning stiff and crunchy from the salt in my sweat.

I feel so much better when it is cool--even cold.  I seem to have more energy.  The heat drains me and makes me dizzy and shaky and....tired.
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Karen called me yesterday morning.  She had gone with her daughter Helene, my eldest grand child, to see the ultra sound of Helene's "Avocado Size" baby.  When Helene first told me she was pregnant, back in March, I immediately said, "It's a girl!"

Karen told me yesterday, "It's a girl and everything is perfect!"
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I got busy planting my Zinnia seeds yesterday.  I have a raised garden on the west side of my shed.  In the garden, I have grown strawberries, tomatoes, cucumbers, and Zinnias.  I like the Zinnias best.  I like to have them to cut and make bouquets to take to Pearl and Jackie and Dar and for my own house.  They are a humble flower, but very colorful.  The hot sun reflecting off that white shed, directly onto me--made me sweat.

4 packets of seeds.  36", 24", 17" and 6".  Worked up the soil.  Put my rows in with the rake handle.  Put in the seeds.  Tamped them down with the flat part of the rake.  Good to go!

How do you pronounce Zinnias?  Friend Chris said in Texas they pronounce it, Zine Yahs.  Two syllables.  Here we call them Zin ee yahs.  Like it's spelled.  Three syllables.
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Then I got started on planting the annuals I had bought for my porch planters.  It's a shady spot to work.  I sweat.  Something happened that has never happened to me before.  I make out a list of what I want to plant.  I count how many plants I will need.  I take that list with me.  This year---I ran out of plants!  So--I have to go back today and buy more.
How did I miss the number I needed?  Senility setting in!

I painted the white railings on my porch and got some gray paint to paint the steps.  Three years ago, the guy at Lowe's convinced me I should STAIN the porch.  That stain has not worked very well.  Last year I got regular, exterior white paint and redid the railings.  This year I got Valspar Porch and Floor paint and will do the steps and maybe even the porch floor with it.  So there!
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Around 5:00 I came inside to cool down.  I noticed two teen age girls walking up to Jackie's house across the street.  I wondered what was going on, as I didn't recognize the girls.  Then I saw them bend over and I saw Jackie's feet.  I grabbed my phone and ran across the street.

Jackie, also planting her annuals, had fallen behind her SUV.  Unseen from the street.  She had lain there for 30 minutes, yelling for help.  I was out on my porch and hadn't heard her.  Dar came home, and walked into her house, 50 feet away, and hadn't heard her.  Pearl, who lives across the street from Dar, was sitting out in front, chatting with her daughter, and hadn't heard Jackie's cries for help.

Jackie can't just stand up from a prone position--who of us at 70+ can!  So the two girls and I got her onto a rug and dragged her over to her porch steps.  Then we boosted her up (it took us 3 tries as she is not a skinny woman) up onto the first step and then up to the next and on and on until we got her onto her porch.  I helped her into the house and tried to get her to go to ER, but she was having none of that.

She kept gasping for each breath and holding her side.  Broken rib?  Cracked ribs?  She's on blood thinners, maybe internal bleeding?  I just sat with her.  She was calm.  I was calm.  Then Dar, who must have finally seen the commotion, came busting into Jackie's house, all hysterical like she gets.  I could see the look of disgust on Jackie's face.  We finally got Dar calmed down and out of there!

She finally let me call the ambulance to take her a mile up the road to the little hospital.  "Just to check you out."  Four hours later, she was back home.  So glad that she had gone because they checked her over really well.  They also worried about internal bleeding or even a brain bleed.  CAT scan.  Ultra sound.  X-rays. 

She is fine, but sure is going to hurt more today and even more tomorrow!
====================
Then, all of a sudden it was 7:00.  I was sitting inside, sweating, refusing to turn on the A/C and in walked Pearl!  She hasn't been here in 8 months!  She had walked down--with her walker.  We were having a great chat and in came John and Maizey.  Pearl loved seeing Maizey.  We three had a nice chat.

Then, all of a sudden, it was 8:30 and my phone rang and it was my sister.  She wanted to know how I wanted my portion of the estate sale money.  I didn't really want to talk about it in front of my guests, but just had to ask, "Well, I don't know.  It depends on how much it is."

Less than I expected, although I tried not to expect anything, but enough to give me a nice emergency cushion.

My guests left and I called Susan.  We decided she will keep it in her savings account and when I need something, she will write me a check for the amount.  She has a fit that I keep cash in the house, but never lock my house when I go away.  "Your neighbor's know you never lock-up and they could come in and steal your stuff!"  Obviously, she lived too long in New York.

"My neighbor's would never do that.  We watch out for each other."

"Well then, anyone could come in and take  your cash."

"So, you think, someone is going to drive in this park, drive up and down each street and finally, pick my house out of the two hundred homes, and decide to break in?"

This way will work good, for both of us.  I will not have the temptation to go to my "stash" and grab some bills to buy a spur-of-the-moment something I think I need.  She will feel better that my wee inheritance is safe.  If I die before the $$$ is gone, she will give the remainder to Pammie, who is my advocate.

Susan and Chuck are going to use their share to FINALLY build a deck off their living room.  I am going to leave my share intact.  I have saved enough to get my painting done and half what I need for my living room carpet.  So--I'm a happy camper.

I thought that knowing that $$$ was there and mine would give me a great sense of relief.  Strangely, I have already become less worried and rather content knowing I had nothing.  Being poor for many years and really destitute for the last 4.5 years, I have learned how to live on what I have and if it wasn't always enough, it was okay.  I have made it all these years, and found a real appreciation for whatever I have.  I can't say it has been easy.

I lived the first 45 years of life very comfortably.  Never wanting for anything.  Divorce took that away, but a few jobs, kept me fairly good for 12 years.

What did St. Paul say?  

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

Labels

When I work in my garden, I ponder things.  Very, deep, philosophical things.  Tee Hee

Labels.

Hanging around my neck.  I used to have many and now---?

I was a daughter and acted accordingly, as a daughter should.  Then my label was ripped in half, but I still had the label and acted accordingly, even though the half the label that was left didn't treat me very well.

Then, I was a wife and once again acted accordingly.  Doing all the things the books told me I should do to be a good wife.  Even though my Wife Label got scribbled on with words that told me I wasn't doing a very good job.

Then I put on the label Mother.  To me, the best label I ever had.  I loved being pregnant.  Never a day of morning sickness.  Nice, big, healthy, round-headed babies came from my body.  Every one of them was cute from the minute they were born, beautiful when they were grown and still are very handsome and pretty.

Then my Wife label was ripped off and I was labelled, Divorced Woman.  Such a hard label that came with perceptions from others, that I never expected.  Women friends thought I was after their husbands.  Men thought I must need sex from them.  GEEZ!

Then, the best label of all--Grand Mother.  Such a love for the babies of my babies.  I could see all the wonder of life in them that I may have missed with my own, when I felt strongly it was up to ME to raise decently.  The Grand children were not my job to discipline.  Just to play with and teach and enjoy.
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My daughter label is gone.  My wife label is gone.  My mother label is still there, but very dim and faded because they are busy and have their own life and don't need mother anymore.  My Grand Mother label is quite dim now too.  Once again, busy lives.  If I want my Grandma label to "shine", I have to go to them.

I also was proud to wear the label, "Loved, Sweetheart, nearly Wife, Care Giver."  Of course, that was ripped from my neck in a very painful way.

No Labels.  I wonder what people see when they look at me?  There are no labels for them to make a determination of "what IS this woman."

I no longer have the labels, so I am prone to wonder, "Who am I anymore?"

In reality, free from the labels, I can now become whomever I want to be.  That's kind of cool.

I have been working at it for the last 3+ years.
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I know that I am a really good friend to people.  A good listener.  In the past, I wouldn't have had the time to take the time for a Dar rant, a Pearl senility, a John constantly repeating the same stories over and over.  Now I can and it no longer wears me out.  I listen.  I hear it.  I focus on them.  They leave and I put it entirely out of my mind.  Their, weirdness shall we say, doesn't bother me as it once did.

I know that I am more content to be here, doing my own thing, than to have to be "going" all the time.  I guess I have learned to like myself?  At earlier times, I had to be acknowledged by others to find any worth.  

Socializing?  "They" tell us, older people need to socialize or we will get depressed and feel un-needed.

Oh my.  If I HAD to go to the Senior Center once a week.  If I HAD to take a day trip with a group.  If I had to get out and converse with people on a regular basis, THAT would make me depressed!!  Nervous!  Chaotic feeling!  My worse case scenario.

What fills me with great joy?  Creating!  Losing myself in a genealogy for hours at a time.  It's history to me and it is fascinating.  Knitting or crocheting or cross stitching an item.  Knowing that someday it will go to someone who will really appreciate it and I wonder, what that baby or that person will feel when they receive it.

This time of year, piddling around in my gardens.  NOT the six hours I used to spend twice a week to make the most beautiful garden in the neighborhood.  Now, planting and enjoying what I want to plant.  What I want to see.  Such freedom.

My personality HAS changed.  Without the labels.  Some people are confused by it.  I no longer am the same Judy they have in their perception of me.  Expectations and perceptions from others, no longer matter to me.  I think, for the first time in my life, I just might be a rebel.  LOL

My faith is stronger than it has ever been in my life.  Although I always knew it, I really believe and feel that God is in control and I don't worry about anything anymore.  I have been through really hard times in my life and every single time, something has come to save me.  I choose to truly believe it is God and not just a coincidence.  

I was a worry-wort from the time I was a small child!  Wanting to control to keep everything calm and peaceful and right.  Wanting to be whatever I was supposed to be to every one.  Reacting in a way that was expected of me.

Now--I still hear distressing news.  I am still hurt by people.  Things come that are hard to bear.  It's like I hear it and I know it and my mind just says, "Whatever."

Onward and Upward.  Ever Forward!

No matter what, life is soooooo good!

A Weekend of Blessings

Soooooooooo busy!  It is that busy time of year.  Eh?

Thursday, I drove 20 miles north to have lunch with the Old School Gal Pals.  The 3 annoying ones stayed home, so it was a lovely lunch with conversations back and forth.  Lovely.  I drove up the access road--the one that runs along the Expressway, but on the way home, decided to take the Expressway.  It has been a long time.  I nearly had a panic attack!  I used to drive 75-80 on the Expressway, now I was barely going 65 and felt like I was flying and not in control.  So I got behind a semi, who was going 65 and got off at the first exit (4 miles) and relaxed and drove home the rest of the way on the side road.  EGAD!!

Friday, I spent a lot of time on the genealogy, then weeded my small garden in front.  I had grass in there taller than the Iris and Lilies.  I can't dig with the shovel anymore.  It seems when I step up on the shovel to push it into the dirt, it feels like my hip socket is going to pop out.  EGAD!!

Saturday, I drove 20 miles south to see Madeleine dance in a recital.  All Interpretive dance, choreographed by the dancers.  The dance company is Christian based, so a lot of the music was praise music.  One girl, a few years older than Maddie, had recently had her fiance' call off the wedding.  She came out and danced a solo to, I'm Only Human.  Well, I wept through the whole thing.  The words spoke to some of my experiences.  

Madeleine is by far the best of the Academy--everyone says so, including her instructors.  She has a certain way.  The older girls are all beautiful dancers, but when they stand posed, with their chins up and arms extended and hands in a pose, Maddie's chin is just a teeny bit higher, her arms and hands, just a bit more expressive and...the look on her face when she dances---she looks like she is transformed to another place.  She once told me that when she gets on stage, she is not aware of the audience, only the music and feels she is dancing in praise of God.  More weeping from Grandma.

Then we traveled back to Karen & Mark's house for hamburgers and hot dogs grilled and a nice supper on the deck.  My grandsons were there and my oldest grand daughter Helene and her fiance' Michael Benjamin.  They are getting quietly married in June, by a judge, with only parents and siblings present.   Then they will move into their new little house and we will have a baby shower in late August.  It's all good.

Sunday--I went up to The Farm and stopped in at the cemetery on the way.  My sister decorates the graves now.  It used to be my job, for 30 years, and then when she moved back, she took over.  YAY!  The flowers look nice in the urns.  I talked with Fred for awhile and then admired my own headstone waiting for me.  It is a really nice marker, if I do say so myself.

Then I drove the two miles over to The Farm and helped Susan and her hubs Chuck, pack stuff away that hadn't sold--mostly dishes and that sort of thing.  My sister and I have never discussed it, but she remembers in our father's Will, it states: "It is my desire that my said named daughters, meet privately at my home for the division of my personal property.  My daughter, Susan----supervise and divide of said personal property equally between my said named living daughter's."

So--as I was leaving my sister said, "I will get you an itemized list of all that was sold and write you a check for half the net profit." 

I have no idea how much that will be and it really doesn't matter to me.  My sister and her husband were the ones that had to store it, and keep it clean and help get it placed for the sale.  The Estate Sale Planners take 20% of the gross sales.

What really matters to me?  My sister is an honest, lovely person who is going to share with me.  I FINALLY will receive something from our Father's estate!

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I have told the story before of how my kids got two of the farms, my sister the other one, my two other kids and Susan's son got $10,000.00 cash each.  Susan and I were supposed to share the GM stock our Dad had inherited from his mother--which in 2008 was worthless.  There was also an investment put into trust, 1/3 for his wife, 1/3 for Susan, 1/3 for me--around $125K each.

However, because the markets were so bad at the time, our step-mother said we should just leave it and not cash it out.  She would give it to us when the market improved or when she died.  There were many witnesses in the house who heard what she told us.  Then she died.  No trust in our names to be found.

In the last few years, since her demise, we have found out that when she moved into her $4,500.00 a month Senior complex and all the trips she took, she used the money from that trust.  She left HER investments, retirement, etc. alone, in her girls names.  Everything was in trust so there was no Probate.

So--Susan and I have the final laugh on this one.  At least the bitch step-mother didn't steal quite all of itll!

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Today, I am again weeding gardens.  Not too bad in the shady gardens, but at 2:00 when I was working in the full sun, I got dizzy and shaky and had to come in.

Tomorrow I go on an expedition to buy a few annuals for my porch pots!!!

Life is so good and filled with so many blessings!