Past Life & Past Lives

I have never felt the presence or had a dream about my Father.  He was rather cruel to me for the first 68 years of my life.  He died 8 years ago.  I rarely even think of him.

I do have nightmares of some man trying to hit me and I wake up kicking and yelling, but I always thought those nightmares were of my second ex husband, who tried to kill me twice in the three years I was with him, and when not trying to kill me, was extremely abusive emotionally and physically.  I suppose the "unseen" man could be my Father?

I get into trouble when I have those dreams.  Two weeks ago, I bit the inside of my cheek when I had that dream--it is always the same dream.  The time before that, as I kicked out, I sent Maggie the Cat flying off the bed and on her exit, she dug her claws in deep on my shin.  I was up for an hour, trying to get the bleeding to stop.

One time, I flayed out and knocked the lamp and radio off my bedside table, another time, fell off the side of the bed, trying to get into the corner to save myself.  Down on the floor and fully awake, I had a heck of a time getting back up.  HAH.

It has been explained to me that these nightmares come from deep in the sub-conscious.  Something we have buried and don't even thing about during our normal day activities.  Then, when we get into deep sleep, our sub-conscious kicks in and brings these things up.  Usually they are from unresolved issues.  I have forgiven my Father, that's why I don't think the "unseen man" is him.  I thought I was over thinking about my second ex, but in reality, I never could find out why he treated me as he did.

He has been married 7 times to date.  I have met 4 of his exes and although he abused them emotionally, he never laid a hand on them.  Hm-mm.  Not a nice thing to say, but I just wish he'd die and I check the obits every day to see if it has happened yet.  He's 87!  How long is that awful person going to live?  Maybe when I know he is gone, the nightmares will end?
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I had an appointment at the food bank this late morning.  The shelves were quite bare.  I needed hamburger--none.  I wanted a bag of salad greens--none.  

After wards, I headed up to the Homestead.  Stopped in to see Pammie before she left for work, then on up the road and checked at my son's place--his truck was gone, then on down the road to Susan & Chuck's.

Susan has let her hair go natural and she has pure white hair--just like our Mother's father.  It is beautiful  AND  she got it cut real short.  I mean short.  Shorter than mine!  She has worn a chin-length Bob for years and years and this cut makes her look so much younger.  She is just adorable and Chuck loves it!!

I got home around 5:00 and jumped on the computer to work more on the genealogy I am doing.  The lady's father will be 103 on May 7th and I want to get his side of the family done, printed and put together so I can mail it off and she can give it to him.  

It is a really good genealogy.  In that, I mean I have traced part of his family back to when William the Conqueror was King!!  That would be in the 1066!

That takes time to get all that info, and then write it down, so I just stayed in here and did my thing.  John showed up around 7:30 and I told him I was busy and didn't have time to stop and chat.  

He'll be back tomorrow and by then, I will be ahead of the game and can stop and talk.

Now, I'm so geared up by my find that I will find it hard to sleep.  So--off to play some games on Face Book and then bed.

Signs and Visions

Speaking of signs.........

My Grandma died in October 1966.  We moved into her house in June 1967.  She had designed that house and stayed there until her death.

A month or so later, (we slept in her bedroom), I woke up in the middle of the night and she was standing at the foot of our bed, with her house dress and apron on and she was smiling.  

I was so happy to see her and I nudged my husband to wake him up.

"Gary.  Gary!  Grandma's here.  Wake up!", but the minute he opened his eyes and I looked back at Grandma, she was gone.

My son Mark swore he could smell her perfume, upstairs in his bedroom.

On New Year's Eve that year, we went out and my sister Susie was baby sitting.  She was sitting in our living room.  She heard something and thought it was one of the kids sneaking down from upstairs.  She turned and looked into the dining room and saw someone slip through the door into the kitchen.  She thought she saw the tail end of one of the girls, in their nightgown.

Susie got up and walked to the other side of the living room to go into the kitchen and scare the girls.  When she got into the kitchen, no one was there.  So she did the "circuit".  Through the kitchen, into the dining room, into the living room.  No one.

Then she crept upstairs and checked the kids bedrooms.  They all were fast asleep.

We figured it was Grandma, just checking to make sure we were all right.

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My best friend Arlene, loved Lady Bugs.  If she found one in the house, she'd carry it outside and blow it off her finger, so it could "fly away home."

She fought ovarian cancer for four and a half years.  A long time to "survive" that kind of cancer.  She kept going through all the awful chemo treatments, surgeries and radiation--just to "get more years with the grand kids."

Her grand daughter Amanda was engaged.  They were going to be married in Florida, but changed the location. They were going to be married at Arlene's daughter's home, so it would be easier for Grandma to attend.  Arlene was able to go shopping with them for the wedding dress and figured she would be strong enough to attend the wedding.

She fought on and on, but didn't make it and died five months before the wedding.

The day of the outdoor wedding, the photographer was there early to take pre-wedding photos of the bride.  Amanda was standing by a Magnolia Tree Arlene had given her daughter when she was first married.

They adjusted Amanda's veil and just then the photographer noticed something.  A Lady Bug was caught in the veil.  The photographer didn't know of the significance so went to brush the Lady Bug away.

Arlene's daughter yelled, "Stop!"  Then went over to Amanda, took the Lady Bug gently off her veil, and she and Amanda held it up to the breeze and said, "Fly away home."

We all felt that Arlene HAD made it to her grand daughter's wedding after all.

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When my Mother went into the hospital, the first time she had ever been in a hospital, and "they" were running all sorts of painful tests, trying to come up with a diagnosis, she was laying in bed, with her back turned toward the door.

She was frightened and exhausted.  All of a sudden she felt the weight of some one's hand on her right shoulder.  She thought it was a nurse or the doctor.  Just as she went to turn, she heard her Father's voice say, "I'm here, Dorathy.  Everything is going to be all right."  Her Father had died the year before.

She turned quickly to see him, but she said, "No one was there.  I KNOW I felt the weight of a hand on my shoulder and I KNOW I heard Papa's voice."

That whole next year, while she was off and on sick and the last week when she knew she was dying, she was not the least bit afraid.  Still making jokes and smiling, right up to her last hour.

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I have never told anyone this, but when I was 12 years old, after supper one nice summer night, I ran out the back door and walked across the driveway, headed out to the cow barn to see the new kittens.  All of a sudden, I stopped and for some unknown reason, turned and looked to the western sky.  There was a bank of clouds and Jesus was standing in them.  He had on a purple robe, with His hands stretched toward me, palms open and extended.  

Something like this, only just the upper half of Him and in purple.

I wasn't scared, I just stood and stared for what seemed like a long time, but probably only a few seconds.  Then I ran back into the house and kitchen to tell Mother.  She was standing at the west facing kitchen sink, washing supper dishes.

"Mother?  I just saw Jesus standing in the clouds and He was smiling at me."

She glanced up and looked out the window and said, "Oh.  That was nice, Honey."

Like it was an everyday occurrence or something!

I can still see that vision as if it happened 10 minutes ago, except now, I am standing off a bit, looking at my young self, while she looks at Jesus in the clouds.

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I was about 45 and had to have a D&C.  I was scared witless!  I was waking up and I could hear my Mother singing, "How Great Thou Art", so I started singing with her and laughing.  I was so happy to hear her voice.

Just then, a nurse came up to me and said, "Well, you sure are happy."

I tried to open my eyes and focus on her--there were two of her.

"Huh?" I said.

"I said, you sure are happy.  You're singing at the top of your lungs and laughing and laughing.  We all are getting a kick out of you!"

I was in the recovery room with a lot of other patients and I guess I was causing quite a stir.

====================

After I had my last hip replacement, that first night, when I was in a lot of pain, I had drifted off and I saw Fred sitting in the chair beside my bed.  He had died five months earlier.  We were talking and I was laughing out loud at something (can't remember what) he had said.

Just then, a nurse came into the room, turned on a side light and said, "Who are you talking too and what's so funny?"

I opened my eyes and said, "What?"

She said, "We heard you talking and laughing and wondered what's so funny in here?"

I said, "Oh, Fred and I were just talking."

She said, "Fred?  You don't have anyone staying with you tonight.  There's no one in here."

I put my right arm out and pointed over to the chair and then turned my head to see him.

"Oh.  I thought my husband was sitting in that chair.  No.  I must have been dreaming.  He's been dead for five months now."

"It's probably the pain meds giving you hallucinations."

"Yeah, probably," I said.

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Last April when I was in hospital for my A Fib, I had to have a cardio version.  They put you in Twilight Sleep with Versed or Fentanyl and then zap your heart back into normal sinus rhythm.  I have had both drugs before for oral surgery and when I had the shots put in my back at the pain clinic so I wasn't a bit afraid, but....I did mention that my Fred had died when they put him under with Fentanyl to insert a ventilator.

They assured me that it wouldn't happen to me, but I said, "Well, we just never know do we?  But, I'm not afraid a bit.  Whatever happens is okay with me.  I'm ready to go--so if I do, don't feel bad."

They laughed.

"Shoot me up--byeeeeee."

A second later, (probably 15 minutes), I heard the nurse say, "Well, you're back and you're laughing.  What's so funny?"

I didn't tell her, but just before I heard her voice, I was following Jesus, trying to catch up with Him.  Just before I got to Him, He stopped and turned, put His hands up as if to stop me and smiled, then turned and kept walking.

"Oh," I said to her.  "I'm just feeling great and happy."

"Well, you should feel great.  Your heart is back in normal sinus rhythm and you can go home tomorrow morning!"

That wasn't why I was smiling and laughing.  I saw Him and He smiled and let me know I was to stay here.

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What is so weird about all of these things?  Raised in a Christian home and NONE of us believe in signs or the presence of passed loved ones.  I especially believe that when a soul gets to Heaven, it is so wonderful there, that soul has no interest in what is happening back here in this world.  They have passed through "the door", as if giving birth to the next part of their "life".  IF souls are capable of visiting us, it is because they are not at rest as yet, and are kind of stuck between here and there.  My sister and I have NEVER "seen" our Mother.

Visions of seeing Jesus I can believe in.  He can do anything!

And yet, I saw my Grandma standing at the foot of that bed, as plain as day.  My sister saw "something" as plain as day.  My Mother heard her Father's voice, as plain as day.  I saw Fred sitting in that chair, as plain as day.

Because I don't believe in these sorts of things, it just makes it harder to admit these have happened. I want to know!  Are they real?  Was it the drugs? Why would souls of passed loved ones come back as a bug or a butterfly!  I don't believe in reincarnation and if it were true, the passed soul would come back as a person, right?

We just don't know, do we?  My head aches from trying to figure out something that is unfigureoutable!

At least very time it happened to me, I was happy and laughing.  

Memories

This made me think of Jennifer

I have no idea. 

 I do have her address so I Googled Earth(ed) the house they are renting,

 but couldn't get a ground view of it.

Sometimes, I get real teary-eyed and desperate about it, but then,

I give it up to God, because I can't do a thing about it.

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I have a basket that hangs on the wall under my seasonal angel x-stitched pictures.  Every time Fred gave me a bouquet of roses, I'd take one rose, hang it upside down in a dark closet and after it had dried, put it in this basket.The three yellow roses he gave me on our first date--him telling me, "Yellow roses stand for friendship.  Red roses mean love," were at the front of the basket and the rest filling up the back, until that basket was filled to the brim. (On the 3rd date, he brought me a dozen red roses.)

Well, you know how it is.  You place something in your house and it is there and after awhile you don't even look at it because it is part of your house?

Yesterday, while cleaning the living room, I put up my Spring angel picture and noticed how old, dead, dusty and ugly looking that basket of roses had become.  So, trying to be logical and practical, I took the basket out to the trash can and turned it upside down.  That act made me sad, but.......only for a moment.  Let's face the cold hard truth here.  There hasn't been a new rose placed in that basket for nearly five years.  The first yellow ones were 11 years old!!  Time to go.

I stuffed a bunch of fake Tulips in the basket and each new season, when I put up the next Angel picture, I will put in new fake flowers for that season.

BUT--I still have Fred's, dirty, worn out, old sneakers in the upper shelf in my bedroom closet.  Sigh.

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Something one of my blog buddies posted about reminded me of a long ago memory.  Butterflies. 

My Mother had a thing for Monarch butterflies.  She planted Milk Weed to get them to come in near her gardens.  When she read about them gathering in Point Pelee, Ontario for their migration to Mexico, she persuaded my Dad to load up their pick-up camper and take us all there.  Mother, Daddy, Susie, my hubs, me and our three kids.

We saw millions of Monarchs hanging in the bushes and trees.  Mother was thrilled!

Mother died five months later.  

That summer, as I sat on the ground, weeding my 120' long perrenial garden, a Monarch came and lit on my left shoulder.  I sat quietly for a moment and then said, "Mother.  Is that you?"

When I got back inside the house, there was a message on the answering machine.  It was from my sister, Susie.  She lived quite a distance away from me.  I called her back and first thing she said, "You will not believe this.  I was sitting out in the sun on the patio and a Monarch butterfly came and lit on my shoulder!  I wondered if it was Mother."

"Which shoulder?" I asked.

"My right one."

Now, neither my sister or I believe in "signs" from the hereafter, nor that people who have passed on can send messages, but when I told her of my experience, almost at the same time as hers, we both said, "Hm-mm.  Maybe?"

=======================

The Monarchs come into this link at about the 3 minute mark.

I'm Old and I'm Getting Cranky!

Neighbor's that mow their lawn on Sunday's annoy me to the nth degree.  Especially when they were home all day Saturday and could have done it, or the retirees that have all week to do it.  I live TOOOO close and windows open, with the roar of these smelly, exhaust spewing machines going past my house, barely 15 feet away!!!  Sunday is supposed to be a quiet day!

I cannot stand to listen to Ted Cruz' voice.  Nasally and whiny sounding!  "They" say, Kasich is the only one who has a chance to beat HiLIARy in November.  How can we get him elected?  Just a real down-to-earth guy.

What the heck is happening in Houston and Texas with rain of Biblical proportions?  Did you see that on the news?  Is this another city built below sea level, so they have no drainage.  Idiots!!

It took my 5 hours to clean my wee 16 x 18' living room today.   Work 15 minutes, rest 10.  My back is causing me problems for the last couple of months.  I thought that problem had been taken care of when I had my last hip replacement.  Haven't had any back pain since--until February--when I carried in heavy stuff.  GEEZ LOUISE!

Got bedroom/bath/utility/kitchen/living room all done.  I always leave this awful room for the last.  Suppose to do the worst first, but.................I need to really get my, "If I have to, I can do anything", theme song going before I tackle this room.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe Wednesday.

The clutter in this room isn't helped by the fact that when I am working on genealogy, I have stacks and stacks of papers I have printed out.  Family groups.  Sorted by oldest to youngest ancestor.  I even have two TV trays in here to hold the excess!  Plus my desk is piled high, all centered and encircled around my desk chair.  I LOVE IT!!!!!

<but anyone who enters can see it from the front door>

The Park brought in two dumpsters--for us residents to use to throw away our stuff while spring cleaning. The dumpster for my area of the park was suppose to arrive today.  They dropped it off late Friday night. I went up there to dump some stuff and it was full!! The people that live in the nearest area to the dumpster, saw it set in place Friday night and had all weekend to fill it--and they did!  I'll just put my stuff out on Thursday with the rest of my garbage.

John was really ticked off.  "They said the dumpster would be ready today and yet those people used it early.  That's just not fair!  They shouldn't have used it until the proper time!"  

I replied, "Mellow out, Kid.  Just put your junk out on garbage day."

Then I said, "Tomorrow is yard waste pick-up day. I've got some branches and stuff I gotta get in the bag.  Come and help me."    and he did, but he continued to grumble about the dumpster issue.

I can see why he has been divorced twice.  He would drive me nuts!!!!!

=================

Today, Susan's youngest boy, Matthew would have been 40 years old!  He had already been accepted to Michigan State to study Architecture.  He would have been wonderful at that.  Unfortunately, he died one month after his 18th birthday and two weeks before his high school graduation.  He was the happiest, easy going kid I ever met.  He called me "Awunt Juday".  He died of A.L.L.=Leukemia, supposedly the easiest one to cure.  He lived here in Michigan with his Dad.  My sister, Susan, lived way out in New York.  Can you even imagine the trips she made back in forth--in her car--alone?

Pammie called me tonight and I found out something that is a great relief to me.  My son Mark, has had good luck with his cancer with the pills and infusion they have given him, but a month ago, his oncologist told him he needed to start chemotherapy to really put a stop to it.  Mark was really upset.  Apparently he thought the pills were going to be enough.  He probably didn't understand all the doc told him on his first few visits.  His partner, Cindy is not much better.  She goes with him, but doesn't know what questions to ask and doesn't remember what the doc said any better than Mark.

He asked Pam what she thought he should do. Should he do the chemo?  Pammie told him that decision was entirely up to him.  She couldn't give any advice because she didn't know anything about cancer or what treatments he should have.

Well, I have been praying that he would opt for the chemo.

Pammie told me tonight that Mark has decided to go with the therapy.  The oncologist told him they could practically guarantee him 8 more years and by then, newer treatments will have come along.  He promised Mark that he won't be sick, they have stuff to counteract the poison chemo.  The oncologist told him to keep smoking weed and to use the Cannabis oil and to make brownies with it, sprinkle it on his salad.  (Lordy!)

I have read a lot about how they are having remarkable results with Cannabis killing cancer cells.

Mark said to Pammie, "I guess Ma can't be mad at me now for smoking weed!"

Brats!  They are ALL brats!!!

 Gotta get this posted so it still says "Monday" at the top.  Talk with you later.

Whassup?

What unimaginably beautiful weather we are having!!  Unimaginable because last week we were inundated with snow, gray clouds and rain every day and, none of us could imagine that spring would spring so quickly.

So my Forsythia's not going to bloom this year, and many of my Daffodils are laying face down on the ground, BUT the Tulips are just coming into bud and the Lilac bushes look like they are going to do well, and----I made it through another winter!!!!!
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Doing a bit of spring house cleaning every day--doors and windows open to the fresh breeze.  Still have to turn the furnace on at night, but................the cats do love sitting in the open windows or front door and looking at their outside world through just the screen.

I am up to my grommets in genealogy.  Probably the most extensive one I have ever done.  The only thing about genealogy that is disappointing is that, we get facts and dates, but we don't often get the family stories.  

When I did the one for my family, included in each person's "facts" on Family Tree Maker, I put in a brief description of the person, i.e., their profession, a bit of their life history.  Then, when I finally finished, I uploaded my Family Tree to Ancestry.com.  That way, anyone else looking around, will find a bit more than just facts and figures.  It's also nice to have photos of the people too.

I got up to see Pearl and Merle--well it wasn't planned, Pearl called and wanted me to tell her how to get into Face Book.  "Something went wrong.  I think I've been hacked.  I got in yesterday, but can't today."

So, up there I trotted and had her try it and found out why she couldn't get in.  She was clicking on the wrong desk-top icon!?????????????!!!!!!

Don't ask.  I don't know.  It's like her memory just flips out every now and then.  She messed up her on-line bank again, by putting in the wrong password--3 times--and got locked out.  (Sigh)

Merle is doing well with Parkinson's exercise class and riding a stationary bike and then riding his own bike around the Park.  All the new ways to combat the advancing disease.

I think I have found a way to keep Darlene out of my house.  When she was here the other night, she saw two ants climbing up the wall behind me.  She got very nervous.  I took a Kleenex and got them and disposed of them, but she had a shudder.  Then she saw another one and I just ignored it.  Apparently ants bother her a lot.  They don't bother me...so I think I will put out some sugar and invite even more inside.  LOL
<maybe I could find and train a pet spider?>

John is so funny!  He and Maizey stop in here every, single night!!  Around 9:00 nowadays.  He goes on and on, about stupid people, stupid drivers, stupid laws, stupid politicians--on and on and on!  Then, when he is all done with his rant, he looks at me, smile and says, "And how was your day?"  Because I told him once how Dar irritates me because all she does is talk about herself.

I could not live an entire day with that man!  He is not mellow in the least!  Every little thing makes him upset!  I can't bear to ride with him in the car because he rants and raves about everyone else on the road!

But he did give me 2# of sliced ham.  HAH!

Okay--I gotta get to bed so I can get up tomorrow and do something useful and see if I can find my way out of the 1500's and back to the present.  It's truly amazing how surnames change down through the generations.

There Is Only ONE Truth

I posted this on Face Book Sunday morning.  I was curious to see the comments from my "friends".

"There is only one truth.
There is no your truth.
There is no my truth.
There is only one truth.
No matter how much you want YOUR truth to be true, if it is false, you are wrong.
There is and can only be one truth.
So, my philosophical, pondering peeps--why can't we see the only one truth and agree it is the truth?"

It didn't bring many comments.
  
Some thought it was a religious question.  I hadn't intended it to be.
Some just commented, "Huh?"

Now, you know the kind of thing that wanders around in my mind.  HAH!  Aren't you glad you are sane?

This can be the kind of thing that pops into my mind, after I go to bed and I am trying to find sleep.  No wonder I have a sleeping problem!
===================
Do we ever really know The Truth?  Perhaps only if it is verified by proof and not just based on someone's opinion?

"The sky is blue."  Is that The Truth or is it based on the way WE see the sky--through the atmospheric layers?

"From outer space, the Earth is blue."  We've seen and verified that to be Truth.  Is it really or once again, viewed "down" through atmospheric layers.

"I will vote in the Presidential election on November 8, 2016."  That's not The Truth, there are too many variables.  I might be dead by then.

"Barack Obama is the best/worst President we have ever had."  That certainly isn't The Truth, it is based on opinion.

"I have had miracles in my life, sent from God."  The Truth? or just a coincidence that some opinions attributes to God.

"Today the sun is shining."  Now, that IS The Truth, but---only for this area.  It may very well be raining in Florida or Wisconsin.

I guess, in the long run, there IS, your truth or my truth.  I'd sure like to know what The Only Truth really is--on a much deeper level.
<Arrgh.  I have a headache just thinking about all of this>

I think, I think too much!!!!
============
I gave John his genealogy book tonight and he was tickled pink.

I may not surface for a couple of days because I am working on another genealogy.  You know how I get obsessed when I am deep into 1800 census reports.  LOL

Pride Goeth Before The Fall

Well, I just thought I was the Cat's Meow!!

Quite on my own, and because I am so brilliant, I switched from 5mg Melatonin at bedtime to 10mg.  I had been having trouble sleeping through the night.

Well!  For 5 nights straight...to be at midnight and awake (before the alarm) at 8:00.  WOW.  Plus, I felt so good.

So, of course, as I tend to do, I was bragging to everybody about it.  Then the Pride Karma dude got in the way, and took me down.

Last night, I took my evening pills and climbed into bed around 11:45.  The cats settled and off to sleep---they went.  Not me.

At 1:00, I got up and took a Tylenol PM, sure to do the trick.

At 2:00, I got up and took a Benedryl.

At 3:00, I finally fell asleep.  Consequently,  I didn't wake up until 10:30.

The day half shot, plus I felt like I had been dragged through a knot-hole backwards, from all the drugs.  I had so much I wanted to get done today.  Finally, the snow and rain we have been getting for the last week, was gone.  The sun was shining brightly and it was 55 degrees!!!

I did manage to get myself in gear at 2:00 this afternoon, and made it up to Wal-Mart to get a new shower curtain liner--the one I had was opaque from all the lime, got a new filter for my air cleaner, 2 jugs of Diet Pepsi and a gallon of milk.

I was practically dragging by the time I got home.

Then--to top off my day, Dar stopped in at 6:00, just as I was about to fix myself a sandwich, sit down and watch the news.  More drama about her son and grandchildren that are living there.  Drama about her work place.  Drama about her Dad.  She was in a hyper state.

I scared her outta here at 7:00 so I could finally get my supper.

John and Maizey stopped in at 8:00.  He was limping badly and in a lot of pain.  The cast he had to wear is an air cast.  You SIT down, pull it on, lace it up and then inflate three bladders, placed at three different points on the cast.

Yesterday, he STOOD up to put it on, pressed his foot down hard in it and inflated the bladders.  Because he had put all his weight in the cast, when the bladders inflated, they kept his foot clamped in there like it was in a vise.  It hurts worse now than it did when he started with the whole problem.

I asked him if he had read the instruction manual BEFORE he put on the cast.

Of course not.
<men can be such idiots>

"I read it this morning and realized what I had done," he said.

He brought me about 2# of sliced ham, so I couldn't get too disturbed with him.
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I'm hoping I sleep well tonight so that tomorrow I can get the utility area cleaned and the humidifier emptied and cleaned up and put away.

The weather man made a promise today that are done with snow and winter.  Temperature expected to increase all week and be 70 on Sunday.  

We Michiganders are hoping.  We love snow and winter, but not in April!!!