One thing about life. It is in a continual flux of change.
You are up one day and the next, you could be out on the street. Feeling great one day, die in your sleep that night. Feeling healthy as a horse on a Friday, cancer diagnosis on the next Monday.
The only thing that doesn't change in life, is change. The only constant in life, is change.
I have two "friends" that died in their sleep on Christmas Eve morning. Hard on the family, easy for the deceased. Apparently, neither one had been or was sick. Pam had seen one of them the day before in the store.
Another friend, worried about her brother, with the cancer diagnosis. Surgery and the doctor's "think" they got it all. Which no doubt they did, but they never give you a 100% guarantee, because one teeny, tiny little cell could have gotten loose and...........................but we rejoice and Praise God because, right now--at this particular time--all is well.
A neighbor up the street, Sheila's mother is dying from what my own mother died from. I have never known anyone that had the same (non) diagnosis, the same treatment (none), the same--whatever.
Years ago, my doctor told me that if we had CT scans and MRI's back in 1970, they could have pinpointed my mother's disease and helped her. Now, that is weird because Sheila's mother has the same thing, even with all the tests, they can't do a thing to help her. They have NO idea why her bone marrow won't make red blood cells. It isn't Leukemia, cancer--nothing. They don't know what it is or why.
My own son, is feeling well. The infusion he gets every six weeks has not made him sick or weak. He has lost none of his hair. His PSA numbers are nearly what normal would be. But--next week, it could all change.
We just never know and I think that knowledge comes to us the older we get. It could be us--any day. How do we get philosophical about that? How do we come to terms? I guess we just keep ourselves from thinking about it.
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So--a week ago today, I was trying not to pass out in the Wal-Mart store. For months and months, I have had no motivation to do one dang thing!! A quick vacuum. Once every couple of months, run the dust cloth.
Things get set out on the kitchen counter tops. Stains occur. Whatever. It matters not to this once, organized, tidy person.
Today, I was sitting in my recliner, minding my own business, my Soap just over and all of a sudden, this weird sensation hit me. I HAD to get up and clean the kitchen. So, I did. For two hours, I cleaned and scrubbed and bleached out the stains and then noticed that my big mirror was all streaky so I Windexed it and then my two glass lamps, and vacuumed the whole house. Moved the heavy cat's table for looking out the window, from my bedroom to my living room.
I was filled with such energy and such a light heart. It reminded me of how I felt last spring. I was alive and life was wonderful!! I have been in depression since September and I "think" today, it might be lifting!!
Now, we won't know until we see how we feel tomorrow and the next day and the next, but.....wouldn't THIS change be nice?
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
A Snowy Day
E-mail from Jennifer--who is staying at Karen's a mere 12 miles away.
"Happy new year Mom. Thanks for the great photo page
for my bday. Those memories are priceless, and the kids really enjoyed
it. Karen gave me the box of Christmas gifts for the kids, which I sent
home with Eric this past weekend – they’ll have something fun to enjoy.
Thanks again, Jen"
=======================
My squirrels doing acrobatic tricks to get to the bird feeder, because theirs was nearly empty.
=======================
Did I ever mention that these last four years are the first time in my life I have lived alone? I went from Daddy's house, to Gary's house and after our divorce, Jen was still at home. Then I went to Don's house and after he tried to kill me, to Ernie's house, then down here, then met Fred.
Never secure enough in myself. Always had to have that security of a man, to fall back on if need be, to fix things, to lend me money--whatever. I haven't had any of that in four years and 12 days and---
I LOVE IT!!!
I must be a real selfish person because I love the fact that I don't HAVE to please anyone, other than myself. No grand kids to have to baby sit. No kids wanting to move back home. No man around to turn the noisy TV on first thing in the morning. No man to have to cook for, do laundry, clean up his inadvertent urine sprays around the toilet, hear him belch or fart, let watch what he wants to watch on TV, no picking up after, listen to him snore in the middle of the night or worry about.
I can decorate my wee house in any eclectic way I want. I can have a tree branch in the corner of my living room with a birds nest on it and no comments. Anything I need doing, I can hire it done or ask my friend John for help.
I have never known such freedom! The best time of my life. I just wish I was younger so I could enjoy for many more years.
=====================My squirrels doing acrobatic tricks to get to the bird feeder, because theirs was nearly empty.
So, I went out and filled it up and then the Cardinals started stealing the squirrel feed.
Then, baby squirrel came in and scared the Cardinals away.
...and they waited patiently until he had his fill
and left
=========================
and, there he is. Our strange little duck of a neighbor, John. After he got home from work--nearly dark, as he wields his enormous snow-blower down the street, cleaning every driveway along the way.
Precious Man
Monday, January 11, 2016
Just in time..........
for the January thaw, we got 3 inches of snow and below zero temperatures.
Tonight and tomorrow, 2-3 more inches.
So--who cares. Right?
================
I had to run up to the store to get some milk--just in case I want to hunker down tomorrow. It took me forever to sweep off the car and get the front and rear windows defrosted.
I don't know what has happened to John. Last year, every time it snowed the tiniest bit, there he was with his snow blower cleaning off everyone's driveway. Of course, it was his first winter here, and I think he was trying to impress the neighbor's with what a nice guy he is. Now--he doesn't care. LOL
================
If you were going to cook something and then share it with others. Would you taste it first to make sure it tasted good, before you shared it? I would too.
I can almost forgive John because he had only learned how to cook in the last couple of years, but---Pearl has been married 61 years, she should know how to cook by now, don't ya think?
John made Chili and brought me down a container. I think he browned the ground beef, put the other things in, cooked it for a half hour and then brought me some. The canned kidney beans were even a bit hard. It definitely neededfour, a few more hours of simmering.
Yesterday, in between blizzards, Merle brought me a container of hot, vegetable beef soup. YUM! It could have stood a couple of beef bouillon cubes in it, the broth was very pale and had no taste. The potato cubes were still crispy, the onion was tough, when I bit into the carrot pieces, they snapped under my teeth! There were flakes or pieces of burned something floating around and they didn't add much of a taste to it either.
Wouldn't Pearl know that soup needs to simmer a couple of hours? Or at least until the veggies are cooked?
So, what do I say, when I give them back their containers and they ask me, "How did you like the.....?"
"Thank you for bringing it to me."
==============
At noon today, I fought my way into the frozen doors on my car! Only the passenger side door would open. I got in, leaned over and started the car. 15 degrees, but it started right up. That car lived in Wisconsin for a number of winters. I have never had a problem with it starting, even in minus degree days. I've had it 7 years and have never replaced the battery.
Anyway, I turned the defrost blower on high, and punched the little button to clean off the rear window. Then I proceeded to sweep the snow off. The snow plow had gone through last night, but by some miracle had not piled up 3 feet of snow at the end of my parking pad.
I let it idle and filled up the bird feeders. I shut the car down at 12:30 and after my Soap, started it up again and took off to the store.
Of course, the main roads are clean, but if you only drove around our park, you'd think we were snowed in!
==========
I haven't seen John all day--which wouldn't seem unusual, but for the last month or so, he and Maisey stop in everysingle, freaking day.
It might be 9:30 in the morning when I'm still in my jammies, 1:00 in the afternoon, just as my Soap starts or 8 o'dark in the evening.
I have watched and when he walks the dog, they go by here and on their way back, she comes up my drive a bit and sits down and will not move. Sometimes he calls me on the phone to ask if they can come in, sometimes Maisey comes right up on the porch and nudges the door and barks, until I open it.
"We can only stay a minute," then, they come in, John sits in the rocking chair across the room to warm up and Maisey comes over and lays on the rug in front of my chair, for her pet and smooching. An hour later, they leave.
I don't know if I should be flattered or disturbed that they have to stop every day.
John says it's Maisey's fault. That he can't get her by my house, without her stopping and not moving and then he has to carry her home.
Is my street the only street he could walked up? No. He could come out of his drive and turn left and walk her that way OR he could walk her up the Service Drive.
Hm-mm.
I guess I can't complain. After all, if I need it, he comes and unloads my groceries or 80# of bird seed or 35# of kitty litter, or 10 liters of Diet Pepsi, out of the trunk of my car.
He does now, ask how my day is and lets me talk where before, it was all about him and all his problems--ad nauseum--the same story time after time.
He is a queer little duck, for sure, but very, very nice.
==========
Speaking of queer ducks? Dar stopped over this afternoon. At least she now has the decency to wait until my Soap is over, LOL. She brought me three bags of chocolate candy she received for Christmas, accusing her family of trying to sabotage her plan to lose weight. I accepted thankfully.
I'm at a stage in my life now where I couldn't gain weight even if I wanted too and.....chocolate candy is my thing!
We actually had a really nice chat! Her other friend, Sheila's mother is in Hospice at home and Dar has been down there. Sheila has never been married. She took care of her Dad until he died and now her mother. She is very fearful about living alone for the first time in her life--she is 56.
Dar keeps telling her how great it is going to be. (I kind of doubt that). Her way of trying to cheer Sheila up, I suppose. They are planning trips they can take next spring and summer. Sheila is quite timid, a strange little duck, without a lick of common sense and does anything Dar wants to do or tells her to do. The perfect foil for Dar.
=============
Today Dar admitted that the reason she works is to take her mind of the fact that she lives alone and is estranged from her four children and one brother.
She actually apologized for her actions, toward me, four years ago.
"You were trying to recover from Fred's death and I'd just rush in here and dump all my hysterics and problems on you. How could you stand me?"
"Well--it was pretty hard. Usually after you left, I was so worn out and stressed that I'd fall asleep for an hour."
"Why didn't you just tell me to go home?"
"Because, you were in worse shape than me. You were on the verge of an emotional breakdown. You needed someone you could talk to and get it all out and.....I'm a good listener."
"I'm just so sorry, Judy, so sorry. I am doing better now. Right?"
"Most of the time." and we both laughed.
She still doesn't inquire about how I'm doing and it still is ALL about her, but.....that's just the way Dar is and always will be. At least now, she only stays about 90 minutes.
Tonight and tomorrow, 2-3 more inches.
So--who cares. Right?
================
I had to run up to the store to get some milk--just in case I want to hunker down tomorrow. It took me forever to sweep off the car and get the front and rear windows defrosted.
I don't know what has happened to John. Last year, every time it snowed the tiniest bit, there he was with his snow blower cleaning off everyone's driveway. Of course, it was his first winter here, and I think he was trying to impress the neighbor's with what a nice guy he is. Now--he doesn't care. LOL
================
If you were going to cook something and then share it with others. Would you taste it first to make sure it tasted good, before you shared it? I would too.
I can almost forgive John because he had only learned how to cook in the last couple of years, but---Pearl has been married 61 years, she should know how to cook by now, don't ya think?
John made Chili and brought me down a container. I think he browned the ground beef, put the other things in, cooked it for a half hour and then brought me some. The canned kidney beans were even a bit hard. It definitely needed
Yesterday, in between blizzards, Merle brought me a container of hot, vegetable beef soup. YUM! It could have stood a couple of beef bouillon cubes in it, the broth was very pale and had no taste. The potato cubes were still crispy, the onion was tough, when I bit into the carrot pieces, they snapped under my teeth! There were flakes or pieces of burned something floating around and they didn't add much of a taste to it either.
Wouldn't Pearl know that soup needs to simmer a couple of hours? Or at least until the veggies are cooked?
So, what do I say, when I give them back their containers and they ask me, "How did you like the.....?"
"Thank you for bringing it to me."
==============
At noon today, I fought my way into the frozen doors on my car! Only the passenger side door would open. I got in, leaned over and started the car. 15 degrees, but it started right up. That car lived in Wisconsin for a number of winters. I have never had a problem with it starting, even in minus degree days. I've had it 7 years and have never replaced the battery.
Anyway, I turned the defrost blower on high, and punched the little button to clean off the rear window. Then I proceeded to sweep the snow off. The snow plow had gone through last night, but by some miracle had not piled up 3 feet of snow at the end of my parking pad.
I let it idle and filled up the bird feeders. I shut the car down at 12:30 and after my Soap, started it up again and took off to the store.
Of course, the main roads are clean, but if you only drove around our park, you'd think we were snowed in!
==========
I haven't seen John all day--which wouldn't seem unusual, but for the last month or so, he and Maisey stop in every
It might be 9:30 in the morning when I'm still in my jammies, 1:00 in the afternoon, just as my Soap starts or 8 o'dark in the evening.
I have watched and when he walks the dog, they go by here and on their way back, she comes up my drive a bit and sits down and will not move. Sometimes he calls me on the phone to ask if they can come in, sometimes Maisey comes right up on the porch and nudges the door and barks, until I open it.
"We can only stay a minute," then, they come in, John sits in the rocking chair across the room to warm up and Maisey comes over and lays on the rug in front of my chair, for her pet and smooching. An hour later, they leave.
I don't know if I should be flattered or disturbed that they have to stop every day.
John says it's Maisey's fault. That he can't get her by my house, without her stopping and not moving and then he has to carry her home.
Is my street the only street he could walked up? No. He could come out of his drive and turn left and walk her that way OR he could walk her up the Service Drive.
Hm-mm.
I guess I can't complain. After all, if I need it, he comes and unloads my groceries or 80# of bird seed or 35# of kitty litter, or 10 liters of Diet Pepsi, out of the trunk of my car.
He does now, ask how my day is and lets me talk where before, it was all about him and all his problems--ad nauseum--the same story time after time.
He is a queer little duck, for sure, but very, very nice.
==========
Speaking of queer ducks? Dar stopped over this afternoon. At least she now has the decency to wait until my Soap is over, LOL. She brought me three bags of chocolate candy she received for Christmas, accusing her family of trying to sabotage her plan to lose weight. I accepted thankfully.
I'm at a stage in my life now where I couldn't gain weight even if I wanted too and.....chocolate candy is my thing!
We actually had a really nice chat! Her other friend, Sheila's mother is in Hospice at home and Dar has been down there. Sheila has never been married. She took care of her Dad until he died and now her mother. She is very fearful about living alone for the first time in her life--she is 56.
Dar keeps telling her how great it is going to be. (I kind of doubt that). Her way of trying to cheer Sheila up, I suppose. They are planning trips they can take next spring and summer. Sheila is quite timid, a strange little duck, without a lick of common sense and does anything Dar wants to do or tells her to do. The perfect foil for Dar.
=============
Today Dar admitted that the reason she works is to take her mind of the fact that she lives alone and is estranged from her four children and one brother.
She actually apologized for her actions, toward me, four years ago.
"You were trying to recover from Fred's death and I'd just rush in here and dump all my hysterics and problems on you. How could you stand me?"
"Well--it was pretty hard. Usually after you left, I was so worn out and stressed that I'd fall asleep for an hour."
"Why didn't you just tell me to go home?"
"Because, you were in worse shape than me. You were on the verge of an emotional breakdown. You needed someone you could talk to and get it all out and.....I'm a good listener."
"I'm just so sorry, Judy, so sorry. I am doing better now. Right?"
"Most of the time." and we both laughed.
She still doesn't inquire about how I'm doing and it still is ALL about her, but.....that's just the way Dar is and always will be. At least now, she only stays about 90 minutes.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
New, But Not Necessarily Improved.
I headed out to The Farm, Friday. It was kind of a gray, rainy day--just perfect for a visit with my sister.
Carpenters were there working on turning the parlor, bedroom and tiny bathroom into, a bathroom, dressing room, big closet, & bedroom. Then next up, is a big deck on the west side of the house, by the sliding doors in their family room. AND that's it! They will have the first floor and the basement all done. They put a new bathroom in the upstairs when they first moved in and nothing needs doing to the bedrooms up there.
Susan said when they first moved back here, "We are going to give it five years to see if we like it." I reminded that in May 2017 will be five years.
She said, "Chuck thinks he's got another ten years that he can keep the place up. We'll see after that."
I said, "Well, then, you just hire someone to mow the lawn, clean out the drives in the winter and you can stay here forever."
What I hope for them? When they get these last two projects done, they can travel. Neither one has ever been West of the Mississippi River and there is so much grandeur to see in the North West!! A lot of walking involved to see all that grandeur, and Susan already has back problems. They need to get to it, NOW!
We had lunch and then she and I played a new game her son had given her for Christmas. It is called, "Ticket To Ride." It comes with a map of either the US or Europe. We had the European map that we had to get our trains from one city to the next--using cards drawn from a deck. Since neither one of us know European geography very well, it was quite a test. It is kind of a complicated game, but one that tested my brain, which is a good thing!
I left there and stopped in to see Pam. She was just getting ready to go to her new job. Custodian at the school. I fear this job is going to kill her! She has two vertebrae missing from her spine--from a bad car accident she was in on her 18th birthday. She has to clean and mop the weight room, the sculptor room, the athletic director's office and a very long hallway. The mop weighs a ton and it hurts her back just awful. Minimum wage--from 4:00 to 10:00 every night. Then on Saturday and Sunday, she works at a small store in Byron.
I wish I had money I could give her every month so she could just work at the small store in Byron and not have to do the custodial job! She is NOT living La Buena Vida, but you'd never know it by talking with her. Always smiling and happy with her life.
I know she has been depressed. I can hear it in her voice. She misses Jen's little boy Evan and 9 year old Alex. Pam practically brought up both of them. She started talking about Evan and started crying. I wrapped her in my arms and we both cried. She misses "her" little boy and I miss my youngest girl, his Mom.
Apparently Jennifer has been at Karen's all week, going back and forth to her work, tying up loose ends. Eric and Evan are coming in today to pack up some more stuff. Pam is going to get down to Karen's to see Evan. Maybe it will help her, but I'll bet she cries all the way home, knowing he is going back to NJ on Sunday.
Karen and her hubs Mark, leave next Friday as chaperone's for the Senior girls in Karen's school. They are going on a pilgrimage to Rome. Should be a nice trip for them. Jen will still be at Karen's with Helene and Madeleine. Should be fun for those three too.
I am, of course, left out of it all, so---I just won't dwell on it or think about it.
I upgraded my cable service. There were three channels that I normally watch that had been put up into the next tier. I called. They had a good promotion going on, so I upgraded to the package I used to have before. Digital Preferred. In the deal, I also got Encore and HBO, so I might be able to watch some movies this winter. It is only $10.00 more a month. $114.00 a month for my "Bundle".
Now--I have to get motivated to make a doctor's appointment, get my annual blood work done a few days before that and get all my prescriptions renewed. It's no big deal, I just am not in the mood. Plus, I need an eyebrow arch and a hair cut.
What is that? 3 hours out of the rest of the month and I can't seem to get motivated?
GEEZ LOUISE!!
Carpenters were there working on turning the parlor, bedroom and tiny bathroom into, a bathroom, dressing room, big closet, & bedroom. Then next up, is a big deck on the west side of the house, by the sliding doors in their family room. AND that's it! They will have the first floor and the basement all done. They put a new bathroom in the upstairs when they first moved in and nothing needs doing to the bedrooms up there.
Susan said when they first moved back here, "We are going to give it five years to see if we like it." I reminded that in May 2017 will be five years.
She said, "Chuck thinks he's got another ten years that he can keep the place up. We'll see after that."
I said, "Well, then, you just hire someone to mow the lawn, clean out the drives in the winter and you can stay here forever."
What I hope for them? When they get these last two projects done, they can travel. Neither one has ever been West of the Mississippi River and there is so much grandeur to see in the North West!! A lot of walking involved to see all that grandeur, and Susan already has back problems. They need to get to it, NOW!
We had lunch and then she and I played a new game her son had given her for Christmas. It is called, "Ticket To Ride." It comes with a map of either the US or Europe. We had the European map that we had to get our trains from one city to the next--using cards drawn from a deck. Since neither one of us know European geography very well, it was quite a test. It is kind of a complicated game, but one that tested my brain, which is a good thing!
I left there and stopped in to see Pam. She was just getting ready to go to her new job. Custodian at the school. I fear this job is going to kill her! She has two vertebrae missing from her spine--from a bad car accident she was in on her 18th birthday. She has to clean and mop the weight room, the sculptor room, the athletic director's office and a very long hallway. The mop weighs a ton and it hurts her back just awful. Minimum wage--from 4:00 to 10:00 every night. Then on Saturday and Sunday, she works at a small store in Byron.
I wish I had money I could give her every month so she could just work at the small store in Byron and not have to do the custodial job! She is NOT living La Buena Vida, but you'd never know it by talking with her. Always smiling and happy with her life.
I know she has been depressed. I can hear it in her voice. She misses Jen's little boy Evan and 9 year old Alex. Pam practically brought up both of them. She started talking about Evan and started crying. I wrapped her in my arms and we both cried. She misses "her" little boy and I miss my youngest girl, his Mom.
Apparently Jennifer has been at Karen's all week, going back and forth to her work, tying up loose ends. Eric and Evan are coming in today to pack up some more stuff. Pam is going to get down to Karen's to see Evan. Maybe it will help her, but I'll bet she cries all the way home, knowing he is going back to NJ on Sunday.
Karen and her hubs Mark, leave next Friday as chaperone's for the Senior girls in Karen's school. They are going on a pilgrimage to Rome. Should be a nice trip for them. Jen will still be at Karen's with Helene and Madeleine. Should be fun for those three too.
I am, of course, left out of it all, so---I just won't dwell on it or think about it.
I upgraded my cable service. There were three channels that I normally watch that had been put up into the next tier. I called. They had a good promotion going on, so I upgraded to the package I used to have before. Digital Preferred. In the deal, I also got Encore and HBO, so I might be able to watch some movies this winter. It is only $10.00 more a month. $114.00 a month for my "Bundle".
Now--I have to get motivated to make a doctor's appointment, get my annual blood work done a few days before that and get all my prescriptions renewed. It's no big deal, I just am not in the mood. Plus, I need an eyebrow arch and a hair cut.
What is that? 3 hours out of the rest of the month and I can't seem to get motivated?
GEEZ LOUISE!!
Thursday, January 7, 2016
GEEZ LOUISE!!!
Tuesday morning, the daughter of my best friend called and asked if I was going to be home. She, her daughter and grand son were headed to Howell to visit her aunt and then wanted to bring me lunch on their way to the Costco store in Brighton.
Gosh, I was so glad to see them!!! They brought Arby's and Diet Pepsi for me. So many tight and long lasting hugs from (Arlene's daughter) Kathy and her daughter Mandy. I had met the little guy in November at our Old School Gal Pals luncheon, but now, I had him all to myself--kind of. He is such a smiley Precious Boy. Came right to me, like he had at the luncheon. I even got my old knees to cross so I could give him a "To market to market to buy a fat pig, home again home again, jiggity jig", on my ankle.
When Kathy left she said, "We are making new sweet memories, because the old sweet memories are so dear." A few tears from all three of us. It was wonderful.
Then I was trying to take the long panel off the front of my furnace to change the filter. The little plastic button that unscrews the panel, was not moving--no doubt the last person who put in a new filter, screwed the closer in crooked! So--I got a pair of pliers and took care of the problem--broke that plastic thingy right off! No way to get the panel off unless I pried it until it snapped/broke/whatever. Afraid of doing that and cutting myself and bleeding to death, I called my handy-dandy appliance service plan coordinator to send out a service guy. I was afraid they wouldn't send out a tech just for a broken door, so I just said, "I have a problem with my furnace. No problem. "He will call you between 8 and noon tomorrow to tell you know when he will arrive."
I had an interesting thing happen that afternoon. Every prescription med I take has the side effect of dizziness. I tend to get dizzy spells if I stand too quickly. I also have an optic nerve problem. If I am doing close work or reading and stand up too fast, my eyes don't adjust and I get dizzy and my eyes gets weird.
I was crocheting that afternoon, I jumped out of my chair to walk quickly to the bathroom. I felt the dizziness start, but instead of stopping to lean on the dryer, as I usually do, I turned to go into the bathroom. My eyes were all googlie, and as I reached out to grab the side of the door, my hand met nothing but air. My legs then suddenly became invisible and down I went. Landing on my bad shoulder, cracking my neck and my head bouncing off the (thankfully) carpeted floor.
I rolled over onto my back to assess any broken parts--there didn't seem to be any and I actually said--out loud--"Help. I've fallen and I can't get up." Which made me giggle. But--I really didn't know how I WAS going to get up. I can't just rise from the floor and stand up and besides, I was still kind of dizzy and hurting all over. I finally, rolled over onto my tummy, pulled myself over to the throne, pulled myself up on my knees and cradled that toilet like a sick drunk!
My head was pounding, my shoulder was screaming, but I managed to open the toilet lid, grab the seat and pull myself up, then slammed down the cover and sat for awhile. I never lost consciousness, the dizzies just took over my brain. I was fine the rest of the day, but my neck felt like someone judo-chopped the back of my neck and my shoulder hurt way down to my elbow.
I really kind of worried that, as hard as I had hit my head, and being on a blood thinner, I might have a hematoma or a small brain bleed, so I called Pearl and told her what had happened. I asked if she would look out of her bedroom at 8:00 the next morning to make sure I was still alive. "I will open my bedroom curtain the minute I get up. If you don't see it up by 10:00, you have a key to my house, come down and check."
My biggest fear of living alone--dying in the middle of the night and no one finding me for weeks!
================
I sat my alarm to make sure I didn't miss the 8:00 call from the service tech. When I woke up, my head hurt like crazy--I couldn't turn my neck from side-to-side and my eyes still weren't focusing very well. I opened my bedroom curtain to let Pearl know I was still alive. I waited for the service tech to call at 8:00.
He called at noon and was here in fifteen minutes. He asked what was wrong with my furnace and I told him and explained that I didn't know what to tell the service coordinator as I was afraid they wouldn't send someone and pay for the repair. He got an Allen Wrench and had the screw out of the panel in about 5 minutes. He will bill my service plan $95.00 for a service call.
After he left, I took the plastic knob, put a teeny little dot of Gorilla Glue in it and stuck it onto the end of the screw. Worked like a charm.
I decided I better get something to eat, it was going on 1:00. Just then, John and Maizey knocked at the door to come in for a visit. "I can only stay a minute", John said, "I have to go to the store and get some stuff to make Chili."
He left an hour later!!!
I knew I had to run up to Wal-Mart because I had hardly a thing to eat in this house. No milk. No Diet Pepsi. No food and I needed to get a new filter for the furnace.
I started out at one end of the store, got the filter, got some cotton yarn, over to the grocery area and up and down every stupid aisle! I have no appetite, so it is difficult to shop for food when nothing sounds good. Up and down the aisles. I got up to the front, near the frozen food section and all of a sudden, I started sweating and my hands started trembling. I felt like I could barely move my legs.
I grabbed some frozen entrees' and headed to the check out line. Thankfully one was open, so I rushed in and started unloading. I felt so weak--not dizzy, but very, very weak. I do not remember what I bought. I do not remember even speaking to the cashier. Just got my stuff into my cart, swiped my Debit card and got to my car.
It was only when I got into my house and down in my chair that I realized, not only had I not eaten all day, but I had forgotten to take my morning pills AND my noon time pills.
I got a bottle of Special K protein drink open and started chugging. I grabbed a piece of string cheese. I got my pill case and got my morning pills down. I take Potassium and if it gets low--I get in trouble. Low Potassium is what sent me into A Fib last spring. Plus I had not taken my high BP pill or my anti-depressant. I waited an hour and took my noon time pills.
All this time, my groceries were in my trunk. I didn't have the strength to get them. I called John and asked if he could come and help me unload. He had been cooking Chili so he brought me a nice container full. I didn't let on that I wasn't feeling well.
Getting up at earlier than normal, with only about 5 hours sleep, plus no food and no meds, just about put me under. I went to bed last night at 9:00 and slept until 10:00 this morning.
When I got up this morning, the front of my head still felt "heavy". The Tinnitus ringing in my head/ears has been louder than normal--probably from the head slam? So, I took two Advil, which I am not supposed to take, but by noon I was feeling pretty good.
========================
I took my garbage out this morning, walked around a bit. The sun was so warm--48 degrees today. Look what I found in my garden. Daffodils coming up (unheard of in January) and laying beside them, this little heart shaped rock. Where did he come from?
I think I need to make an appointment with my Chiropractor!
Gosh, I was so glad to see them!!! They brought Arby's and Diet Pepsi for me. So many tight and long lasting hugs from (Arlene's daughter) Kathy and her daughter Mandy. I had met the little guy in November at our Old School Gal Pals luncheon, but now, I had him all to myself--kind of. He is such a smiley Precious Boy. Came right to me, like he had at the luncheon. I even got my old knees to cross so I could give him a "To market to market to buy a fat pig, home again home again, jiggity jig", on my ankle.
When Kathy left she said, "We are making new sweet memories, because the old sweet memories are so dear." A few tears from all three of us. It was wonderful.
Then I was trying to take the long panel off the front of my furnace to change the filter. The little plastic button that unscrews the panel, was not moving--no doubt the last person who put in a new filter, screwed the closer in crooked! So--I got a pair of pliers and took care of the problem--broke that plastic thingy right off! No way to get the panel off unless I pried it until it snapped/broke/whatever. Afraid of doing that and cutting myself and bleeding to death, I called my handy-dandy appliance service plan coordinator to send out a service guy. I was afraid they wouldn't send out a tech just for a broken door, so I just said, "I have a problem with my furnace. No problem. "He will call you between 8 and noon tomorrow to tell you know when he will arrive."
I had an interesting thing happen that afternoon. Every prescription med I take has the side effect of dizziness. I tend to get dizzy spells if I stand too quickly. I also have an optic nerve problem. If I am doing close work or reading and stand up too fast, my eyes don't adjust and I get dizzy and my eyes gets weird.
I was crocheting that afternoon, I jumped out of my chair to walk quickly to the bathroom. I felt the dizziness start, but instead of stopping to lean on the dryer, as I usually do, I turned to go into the bathroom. My eyes were all googlie, and as I reached out to grab the side of the door, my hand met nothing but air. My legs then suddenly became invisible and down I went. Landing on my bad shoulder, cracking my neck and my head bouncing off the (thankfully) carpeted floor.
I rolled over onto my back to assess any broken parts--there didn't seem to be any and I actually said--out loud--"Help. I've fallen and I can't get up." Which made me giggle. But--I really didn't know how I WAS going to get up. I can't just rise from the floor and stand up and besides, I was still kind of dizzy and hurting all over. I finally, rolled over onto my tummy, pulled myself over to the throne, pulled myself up on my knees and cradled that toilet like a sick drunk!
My head was pounding, my shoulder was screaming, but I managed to open the toilet lid, grab the seat and pull myself up, then slammed down the cover and sat for awhile. I never lost consciousness, the dizzies just took over my brain. I was fine the rest of the day, but my neck felt like someone judo-chopped the back of my neck and my shoulder hurt way down to my elbow.
I really kind of worried that, as hard as I had hit my head, and being on a blood thinner, I might have a hematoma or a small brain bleed, so I called Pearl and told her what had happened. I asked if she would look out of her bedroom at 8:00 the next morning to make sure I was still alive. "I will open my bedroom curtain the minute I get up. If you don't see it up by 10:00, you have a key to my house, come down and check."
My biggest fear of living alone--dying in the middle of the night and no one finding me for weeks!
================
I sat my alarm to make sure I didn't miss the 8:00 call from the service tech. When I woke up, my head hurt like crazy--I couldn't turn my neck from side-to-side and my eyes still weren't focusing very well. I opened my bedroom curtain to let Pearl know I was still alive. I waited for the service tech to call at 8:00.
He called at noon and was here in fifteen minutes. He asked what was wrong with my furnace and I told him and explained that I didn't know what to tell the service coordinator as I was afraid they wouldn't send someone and pay for the repair. He got an Allen Wrench and had the screw out of the panel in about 5 minutes. He will bill my service plan $95.00 for a service call.
After he left, I took the plastic knob, put a teeny little dot of Gorilla Glue in it and stuck it onto the end of the screw. Worked like a charm.
I decided I better get something to eat, it was going on 1:00. Just then, John and Maizey knocked at the door to come in for a visit. "I can only stay a minute", John said, "I have to go to the store and get some stuff to make Chili."
He left an hour later!!!
I knew I had to run up to Wal-Mart because I had hardly a thing to eat in this house. No milk. No Diet Pepsi. No food and I needed to get a new filter for the furnace.
I started out at one end of the store, got the filter, got some cotton yarn, over to the grocery area and up and down every stupid aisle! I have no appetite, so it is difficult to shop for food when nothing sounds good. Up and down the aisles. I got up to the front, near the frozen food section and all of a sudden, I started sweating and my hands started trembling. I felt like I could barely move my legs.
I grabbed some frozen entrees' and headed to the check out line. Thankfully one was open, so I rushed in and started unloading. I felt so weak--not dizzy, but very, very weak. I do not remember what I bought. I do not remember even speaking to the cashier. Just got my stuff into my cart, swiped my Debit card and got to my car.
It was only when I got into my house and down in my chair that I realized, not only had I not eaten all day, but I had forgotten to take my morning pills AND my noon time pills.
I got a bottle of Special K protein drink open and started chugging. I grabbed a piece of string cheese. I got my pill case and got my morning pills down. I take Potassium and if it gets low--I get in trouble. Low Potassium is what sent me into A Fib last spring. Plus I had not taken my high BP pill or my anti-depressant. I waited an hour and took my noon time pills.
All this time, my groceries were in my trunk. I didn't have the strength to get them. I called John and asked if he could come and help me unload. He had been cooking Chili so he brought me a nice container full. I didn't let on that I wasn't feeling well.
Getting up at earlier than normal, with only about 5 hours sleep, plus no food and no meds, just about put me under. I went to bed last night at 9:00 and slept until 10:00 this morning.
When I got up this morning, the front of my head still felt "heavy". The Tinnitus ringing in my head/ears has been louder than normal--probably from the head slam? So, I took two Advil, which I am not supposed to take, but by noon I was feeling pretty good.
========================
I took my garbage out this morning, walked around a bit. The sun was so warm--48 degrees today. Look what I found in my garden. Daffodils coming up (unheard of in January) and laying beside them, this little heart shaped rock. Where did he come from?
I think I need to make an appointment with my Chiropractor!
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Honestly?
No--I am not a Lesbian, although there is nothing wrong with that. I had a couple of Lesbian friends.
Yes--for all concerned, I have tried a vibrator. I just thought it was laughable--sorry. It wasn't that sex was intolerable to me. It wasn't painful or awful. It was--okay. It is that just in my MIND, it was all about control and me not wanting to let go, perhaps? How can you let yourself go when you don't quite trust men? When you know that you know that you KNOW, eventually they will leave, hurt or betray you in some way. And I was right about that, from my father on--in every single case. My father started the betrayal by not loving me, but not letting me know I was special to him. That knowledge was hard to bear. If "they" could have that kind of power over me--if I had "given all of myself" to them? The betrayal would be so much harder to bear. In MY mind.
With my Freddie--I was the real me. I didn't have to be Miss Chef in the kitchen and Miss Whore in the bedroom. I didn't have to be---anything. He just thought I was the most wonderful, caring, loving, loyal women he had ever met--and I was.
====================
I think one reason I stay to myself and don't join any "groups", is because I am afraid I will mess up again!! Perhaps that is why I still wear my engagement diamond Fred gave me? It sits right there on the ring finger of my left hand.
Honestly? Not to sound boastful, but I still look pretty good and younger than my years. I still see men look at me and have recently been flirted with by a man in his early 60's.
That scares the living heck out of me!!! I try to remain unobtrusive, which is kind of difficult when I am near six feet tall and all legs. Men seem to fantasize about long legs wrapped around them. Not kidding. Just ask them.
I haven't been to church in over a year because, one of the ushers, always seemed to push the other ones out of the way, and they'd kind of nudge each other, as he took my arm to seat me in the sanctuary.
"You always sit in the same pew. I got it memorized now so I know right where to take you."
"Yes. I am a creature of habit, I guess."
"I never see your husband come with you. Are you married?"
"No. Widowed."
"Ooohh."
Creeps me out!!!
Honestly? I know myself. If some good looking, tall man, with lovely gray hair came along and showed any interest, there I'd be. Getting all stupid again. Painting his living room. Buying him new drapes for his windows. New bedding and pillows for his bedroom. I've done it before, too many times--I'd do it again.
....and if this one came back and was serious?
His smile is a bit crooked and adorable. He has the most wonderful giggle. And--he has season tickets to all the MSU football games.
He will come back, for a lunch date or a chat, he usually shows up every couple of years, but he will never be serious. He likes to check and see if I've changed my mind about having sex with him.
If he even remotely acted like he was serious, I still wouldn't trust him. Because I've known him for 60 years--my teenage Summer Romance.
<maybe someday he'll tell me he is totally impotent and can't have sex. THEN I'd marry him, LOL>
====================
Honestly? I do not trust myself! Better to just stay here with my cats and my crafts and have a conversation with John and Maizey once in awhile.
================
Honestly? The troubles with Jennifer and me are probably 60% my fault! Yes, she is very sensitive and can be overly dramatic. I have said things, that to me were kidding, but she took the wrong way.
Yes. I wrote about her and her husband in my previous blog and (a cousin) told her and Jen was very offended. I guess I shouldn't have a blog because I let it "all hang out".
Yes. The step-mother drove a huge wedge between us 20 years ago, but we had seemed to get past all that. It was Jen's idea for me to move down here. We got along so well for 10 years. I guess I'm the one who blew it.
Yes. At times I get bent out of shape and rant to my girls and sister. Jen takes it personally. The rest of them know, I am going through a phase and it will all be over the next day.
Yes. No matter how hard I try to--give it all to God, I overheard that Jen will be back in the area this weekend. The kids are getting together at Karen's. I will not be invited--and that hurts! I am just going to pretend I knowing nothing about their plans.
===============
Honestly? I can be passive-aggressive. I have posted things on Face Book, knowing full well that my neighbor's would see it and perhaps take the "hint" and finally "see the light"?
I used to post political links. Those offended a few friends. I didn't care. If they posted a political link for their side, I came back with one of my own to prove to them how "stupid" their thinking was.
A friend might post a "status" and instead of just reading it and moving on, I had some great need to give them MY advice in their comment section.
It's been the same way with Pearl and Dar. I see them as having no common sense and while chatting, I give my unsolicited advice.
Honestly? Who died and made me teacher of the world?
No one!
I won't be doing any of that anymore.
===============
Honestly? I have waaaaay too much pride. I don't want people to help me! I WANT to be the helper. It makes ME feel better if I am the solver of problems for someone else. I feel weak, if people help me.
Yeah--I've heard it all. How I should take help because then I will make THEM feel better. Yeah. Yeah.
=============
Honestly? Since my Daddy died, I AM the oldest member of the family--the blood line. The Matriarch, so to speak. It seems NO ONE in my family views me that way and honestly? It does tick me off!
I remember how everyone in my family feigned all over my father. They went to HIM to visit. When they entered his house, he sat in his chair and they went to HIM. They don't treat me like that.
I feel like if I don't get up and "move around", they would completely forget I am even in the same house.
Honestly? Why did my sister, and my kids inherit money and land from my father when I am the oldest blood kin? He believed in "blood" over everything. Why did I get by-passed?
Was/am I viewed as the black sheep of the family? I HAD to get married. A great disappointment to him--he was mortified that it ruined our family reputation in the community. Then, I went and got divorced. GASP!
He wasn't too pleased with the way my two older kids lived and yet--they got two of his farms, the rest of the grand kids got $10K each.
My little sister wanted to "move back home", but she meant, back to Michigan, she didn't mean on the family farm--way out in the boonies. She had envisioned a nice home near East Lansing. She really didn't want to inherit the family's original farm.
Honestly? Not a single one of them living on those farms, love that land as much as I always did and always will. It makes no never mind to me that I couldn't afford to live there. It's the principle of the whole thing!
================
Honestly? My "adopted" daughter, Chris, who lives way out in Texas, treats me better than my own kids. She really cares what happens to me. She really loves me. I can call her and talk and tell her things I never would tell my kids and she can tell me things she never would have told her own mother. It is a Win-Win!
===============
Honestly? Deep down, I am not a very nice person. I am selfish. I am cranky. I am needy. I think that most people I now know are quite lame in their thinking. When, quite honestly, they have it more together than I ever have.
I am really no longer the center of anyones world--except my cats. There is that. However, someone else would take good care of them if I couldn't.
Honestly? I feel it would be better all around if I were not here. The kids would have one less thing on their list to think about--even as little as they think about me now. I am not vital. Don't appear to be useful, or needed.
Honestly? Why am I here?
I have thought of suicide, more in 2015 than ever before. Boy--I'll show all of them! See how selfish that is? Don't worry. I wouldn't do it. I desire to go to Heaven when I die and I still believe, no matter how un-P.C. it is, that God still believes, "Thou shalt not kill", even yourself.
==============
Honestly? I don't spend days thinking about these things I have posted in the last three days. I'm really quite over the anger/bitterness/angst of my previous years. I think it was the new year that prompted a day of sitting and pondering.
Honestly? I'm just kind of sad/depressed/tired/worn out most days. No real ambition or want to do anything.
So--because it is a new year and most people think on how they can change to make their life better, I too am thinking on that.
I know I need more human contact. I will work on that. Just don't expect me to be joining social groups--that is not or ever has been my thing.
I will try and call my girls every other week. Not something I have ever done, but I will try and remember. I am not or ever have been much of a phone person, but I will try.
I really believe that God is in control of my life. It's easier to believe that then in thinking I can control any aspect of it. I have believed that for a number of years, but sometimes I don't sound like it.
No one can really hurt me. It is how I react that makes it hurtful. Yeah--right. No one should go around intentionally saying whatever hurtful things they want to say. It CAN hurt and it can hurt for years and years. What did old Eleanor say? "No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent." Well, that's a bunch of B.S.! Especially if you are the kind of person that has little self-esteem to begin with. Words like that just reinforce the bad feeling you have about yourself.
===============
BUT--this is MY quote: "I choose to get happy and stay happy, no matter what!" Perhaps that smacks of denial? Oh well.
I do know what to do to have a pretty good rest of my life.
Honestly? It's time to stop talking about it. Time for action.
I am going to Walkthe MY Talk!!!!
Yes--for all concerned, I have tried a vibrator. I just thought it was laughable--sorry. It wasn't that sex was intolerable to me. It wasn't painful or awful. It was--okay. It is that just in my MIND, it was all about control and me not wanting to let go, perhaps? How can you let yourself go when you don't quite trust men? When you know that you know that you KNOW, eventually they will leave, hurt or betray you in some way. And I was right about that, from my father on--in every single case. My father started the betrayal by not loving me, but not letting me know I was special to him. That knowledge was hard to bear. If "they" could have that kind of power over me--if I had "given all of myself" to them? The betrayal would be so much harder to bear. In MY mind.
With my Freddie--I was the real me. I didn't have to be Miss Chef in the kitchen and Miss Whore in the bedroom. I didn't have to be---anything. He just thought I was the most wonderful, caring, loving, loyal women he had ever met--and I was.
====================
I think one reason I stay to myself and don't join any "groups", is because I am afraid I will mess up again!! Perhaps that is why I still wear my engagement diamond Fred gave me? It sits right there on the ring finger of my left hand.
Honestly? Not to sound boastful, but I still look pretty good and younger than my years. I still see men look at me and have recently been flirted with by a man in his early 60's.
That scares the living heck out of me!!! I try to remain unobtrusive, which is kind of difficult when I am near six feet tall and all legs. Men seem to fantasize about long legs wrapped around them. Not kidding. Just ask them.
I haven't been to church in over a year because, one of the ushers, always seemed to push the other ones out of the way, and they'd kind of nudge each other, as he took my arm to seat me in the sanctuary.
"You always sit in the same pew. I got it memorized now so I know right where to take you."
"Yes. I am a creature of habit, I guess."
"I never see your husband come with you. Are you married?"
"No. Widowed."
"Ooohh."
Creeps me out!!!
Honestly? I know myself. If some good looking, tall man, with lovely gray hair came along and showed any interest, there I'd be. Getting all stupid again. Painting his living room. Buying him new drapes for his windows. New bedding and pillows for his bedroom. I've done it before, too many times--I'd do it again.
....and if this one came back and was serious?
He will come back, for a lunch date or a chat, he usually shows up every couple of years, but he will never be serious. He likes to check and see if I've changed my mind about having sex with him.
If he even remotely acted like he was serious, I still wouldn't trust him. Because I've known him for 60 years--my teenage Summer Romance.
<maybe someday he'll tell me he is totally impotent and can't have sex. THEN I'd marry him, LOL>
====================
Honestly? I do not trust myself! Better to just stay here with my cats and my crafts and have a conversation with John and Maizey once in awhile.
================
Honestly? The troubles with Jennifer and me are probably 60% my fault! Yes, she is very sensitive and can be overly dramatic. I have said things, that to me were kidding, but she took the wrong way.
Yes. I wrote about her and her husband in my previous blog and (a cousin) told her and Jen was very offended. I guess I shouldn't have a blog because I let it "all hang out".
Yes. The step-mother drove a huge wedge between us 20 years ago, but we had seemed to get past all that. It was Jen's idea for me to move down here. We got along so well for 10 years. I guess I'm the one who blew it.
Yes. At times I get bent out of shape and rant to my girls and sister. Jen takes it personally. The rest of them know, I am going through a phase and it will all be over the next day.
Yes. No matter how hard I try to--give it all to God, I overheard that Jen will be back in the area this weekend. The kids are getting together at Karen's. I will not be invited--and that hurts! I am just going to pretend I knowing nothing about their plans.
===============
Honestly? I can be passive-aggressive. I have posted things on Face Book, knowing full well that my neighbor's would see it and perhaps take the "hint" and finally "see the light"?
I used to post political links. Those offended a few friends. I didn't care. If they posted a political link for their side, I came back with one of my own to prove to them how "stupid" their thinking was.
A friend might post a "status" and instead of just reading it and moving on, I had some great need to give them MY advice in their comment section.
It's been the same way with Pearl and Dar. I see them as having no common sense and while chatting, I give my unsolicited advice.
Honestly? Who died and made me teacher of the world?
No one!
I won't be doing any of that anymore.
===============
Honestly? I have waaaaay too much pride. I don't want people to help me! I WANT to be the helper. It makes ME feel better if I am the solver of problems for someone else. I feel weak, if people help me.
Yeah--I've heard it all. How I should take help because then I will make THEM feel better. Yeah. Yeah.
=============
Honestly? Since my Daddy died, I AM the oldest member of the family--the blood line. The Matriarch, so to speak. It seems NO ONE in my family views me that way and honestly? It does tick me off!
I remember how everyone in my family feigned all over my father. They went to HIM to visit. When they entered his house, he sat in his chair and they went to HIM. They don't treat me like that.
I feel like if I don't get up and "move around", they would completely forget I am even in the same house.
Honestly? Why did my sister, and my kids inherit money and land from my father when I am the oldest blood kin? He believed in "blood" over everything. Why did I get by-passed?
Was/am I viewed as the black sheep of the family? I HAD to get married. A great disappointment to him--he was mortified that it ruined our family reputation in the community. Then, I went and got divorced. GASP!
He wasn't too pleased with the way my two older kids lived and yet--they got two of his farms, the rest of the grand kids got $10K each.
My little sister wanted to "move back home", but she meant, back to Michigan, she didn't mean on the family farm--way out in the boonies. She had envisioned a nice home near East Lansing. She really didn't want to inherit the family's original farm.
Honestly? Not a single one of them living on those farms, love that land as much as I always did and always will. It makes no never mind to me that I couldn't afford to live there. It's the principle of the whole thing!
================
Honestly? My "adopted" daughter, Chris, who lives way out in Texas, treats me better than my own kids. She really cares what happens to me. She really loves me. I can call her and talk and tell her things I never would tell my kids and she can tell me things she never would have told her own mother. It is a Win-Win!
===============
Honestly? Deep down, I am not a very nice person. I am selfish. I am cranky. I am needy. I think that most people I now know are quite lame in their thinking. When, quite honestly, they have it more together than I ever have.
I am really no longer the center of anyones world--except my cats. There is that. However, someone else would take good care of them if I couldn't.
Honestly? I feel it would be better all around if I were not here. The kids would have one less thing on their list to think about--even as little as they think about me now. I am not vital. Don't appear to be useful, or needed.
Honestly? Why am I here?
I have thought of suicide, more in 2015 than ever before. Boy--I'll show all of them! See how selfish that is? Don't worry. I wouldn't do it. I desire to go to Heaven when I die and I still believe, no matter how un-P.C. it is, that God still believes, "Thou shalt not kill", even yourself.
==============
Honestly? I don't spend days thinking about these things I have posted in the last three days. I'm really quite over the anger/bitterness/angst of my previous years. I think it was the new year that prompted a day of sitting and pondering.
Honestly? I'm just kind of sad/depressed/tired/worn out most days. No real ambition or want to do anything.
So--because it is a new year and most people think on how they can change to make their life better, I too am thinking on that.
I know I need more human contact. I will work on that. Just don't expect me to be joining social groups--that is not or ever has been my thing.
I will try and call my girls every other week. Not something I have ever done, but I will try and remember. I am not or ever have been much of a phone person, but I will try.
I really believe that God is in control of my life. It's easier to believe that then in thinking I can control any aspect of it. I have believed that for a number of years, but sometimes I don't sound like it.
No one can really hurt me. It is how I react that makes it hurtful. Yeah--right. No one should go around intentionally saying whatever hurtful things they want to say. It CAN hurt and it can hurt for years and years. What did old Eleanor say? "No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent." Well, that's a bunch of B.S.! Especially if you are the kind of person that has little self-esteem to begin with. Words like that just reinforce the bad feeling you have about yourself.
===============
BUT--this is MY quote: "I choose to get happy and stay happy, no matter what!" Perhaps that smacks of denial? Oh well.
I do know what to do to have a pretty good rest of my life.
Honestly? It's time to stop talking about it. Time for action.
I am going to Walk
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