Weird Day

Friday was a strange day and Sunday was a weird day.  The titles of my blog posts, seem to tell the true picture of my life!!

I was quite uneasy all day yesterday.  I had e-mailed Pam, Susan, Karen and even Jennifer to see if they had heard anything about Mark and got ZERO replies.  Which of course made me think that something terrible was going on and they were rehearsing their "script" before telling me.

I couldn't sleep Saturday night, even with the Melatonin I take each night.  So I got back up at 1:00 and took a Benedryl.  Then got up at 2:30 and took a Tylenol PM.  It's  a wonder I even woke up this morning.  ONLY KIDDING--that wouldn't be enough medicine to permanently put me out.

I got up this morning, watched a couple of my favorite preacher programs and decided that I could not let this not knowing drive me crazy and I wouldn't bother any of them.  Let them notify me and just forget about it in the meantime.

I showered and took off to JoAnn's, in Brighton, to get another skein of baby yarn to finish up my project for friend Chis.  Then  back, 4 miles west up the road to Howell and Wal-Mart.  Diet Pepsi liters was $1.00.  It was so miserably hot and the A/C in my car isn't exactly perfect, so it was not a nice outing.  86 today, which really isn't all that bad, but with the humidity/dew point--it is miserable.

I unloaded the trunk of my car and spent the rest of the day inside, cross stitching and watching a baseball game/golf tourney/couple of movies.  

My phone rang about 4:00 and it was Pammie.

"Momma, the reason I haven't e-mailed you back is because, I don't know a thing!"

"Oh.  Okay.  I just wondered because I know Mark had an MRI last Friday, before your birthday, and I thought the results should have been in my now and the docs would have a treatment plan mapped out."

"Well, Cindy told Jen..............oh........I didn't tell you.  Jen was in the hospital Thursday night and part of Friday."

"What?  Why?"

"She stopped at the ER on the way home from work Thursday to get a breathing treatment.  This humidity and heat play havoc with her asthma and she was having trouble breathing.  Then she mentioned that she was having pain in her chest and they wouldn't release her.  On Friday morning, she had a stress test, an EKG and an Echo cardiogram.  Nothing wrong with her heart at all."

"Well, how great that she got those tests so she knows.  I'm glad about that.  She is under a lot of stress and that can cause chest pain and all sorts of thing...I suppose having an asthma attack could cause that too.  What did Cindy tell Jen?"

"That's the weird thing.  Jen called me and said, 'Isn't the news about Mark wonderful?'  I asked her what news and she said, that Cindy had called her and told her the doctor's told Mark he has twenty years."

"Wait.  What?"

"That's what Cindy told Jen."

"That can't be true!  He has prostate cancer and three other tumors in his bones.  Did they misread the original MRI?"

"I DON'T KNOW MOM!"

"Don't yell.  I'm just thinking out loud here.  Why would Cindy tell Jen something like that?"

"Well she didn't call me and tell me that.  I know that he has started on his shots to kill his testosterone.  Maybe that could make the tumors shrink?"

"I don't know, Honey.  I don't know anything about cancer really.  You got heart disease, or have to have heart surgery--I know a lot about that, but........not cancer....except what Aunt Arlene went through.  I know she had Stage 4 ovarian cancer and they didn't have much hope, but with chemo, she lasted four years and felt good through most of that time."

"Well, I have vacation this week, so tomorrow, I am going to wait until Cindy goes to work and then, I am driving up and see what brother Mark has to say.  We are going to have a sit down and I am going to find out!"

"Well, if he will talk to anyone, it would be you.  You two have been close all your life."

"Yeah--as close as Mark gets to anyone!  Maybe Cindy was just being over positive?  I don't know, but I am going to find out and then...I will let you know."
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  Weird I tell you.  Just weird!!

Strange Day

I must have been very tired because, last night I went to bed at 11:30, slept all night and didn't wake up until 10:15 this morning!!

Could be depression?  Could be all the emotional stuff I am dealing with in my waking hours, making me exhausted?

PLUS--it is 85 degrees outside with a dew point of 60!!!  You can't go outside, unless you want to suffocate.  I do not do well with heat and humidity.  Even closed up inside with the A/C running, it feels very stuffy.  This heat-wave with continue all next week too.

My friends son that died on his 55th birthday from a instant cardiac arrest?  Karen went out with him once, in the late '70's.  Back in 1956, I had gone out with his dad, a couple of times.  MY Dad thought it would be cool for me to date a guy who was a farmer.  I thought he was slow and shy and not very interesting.  Bad mistake--he is now a millionaire three times over.

The other kid that was killed on the motorcycle?  The Son-In-Law of a school friend of mine.  His wife has steadily posted photos of them on FB and hospital reports and the like.  Plus she has been on the Detroit nightly news  It's like she is so nutsy-cuckoo with shock and grief that she has to keep posting something to keep him alive?  Usually people are pretty quiet on FB when one of their loved ones dies.

Something I found truly weird--today she posted, by invitation only, for people to arrive at the hospital at 8:00am.  They will sit outside the operating room, while a surgical team removes all of his organs, for donation.  Then they will be able to see him, afterwards, when his organs and life support has been removed.

He has been medically brain dead since Tuesday afternoon,.  "They" kept him alive so they could do get everything ready for organ donation.  I've heard of that.  They had over 65 people come in yesterday to "visit" him and this morning, slightly less than that will attend his "harvesting.

It kind of creeps me out.  Wouldn't you want to be just with a few family members?  I don't know--seems weird to me.

They still haven't found the car that caused the accident that took his life.  It was on the expressway that goes north, clear to the Mackinaw Bridge.  No one got the license plate number--only a description of the car.  That car could be in any number of States by now or even Canada.
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I have heard nothing from my son's GF, or my sister, or daughters.  I sent Pam and e-mail and she has ignored it.  I asked my sister if she had heard anything and she suggested I e-mail Pam.

I can handle anything!  I can handle the worse possible scenario.  What I can't handle is the not knowing.  It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop and makes me very nervous.  
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Yesterday, I had my monthly trip to Gleaner's Food Bank.  There really wasn't much that I needed, but I did get a couple of packages of frozen ground beef, a gallon milk, cat food, grape jelly and strawberry jelly, some kind of squashed English Muffins and Croissants, and canned goods.

When I got home, I noticed I already had grape jelly and some other canned goods.  So, I put the extra in a couple of plastic bags and when Pearl's neighbor went to work, I took them down and put them on his front porch steps.  This young man is very nice, but has had some hard times.  He needs to be on Welfare and go to the food bank, but he won't.  Too proud.  So occasionally I will drop off some stuff I have or some cat food--he has one rescued kitty.  He has no clue that I am the one doing this and I hope he never finds out.
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The Wiccan who lives between Pearl and me, went to a Pagan Pride Festival last Saturday.  Her pet Guinea Pig that she adores, was sick so she took it to the vet Saturday morning.  When they got home, the pig was dead.  

Oh My Gosh--the screaming and crying coming off her back porch was chilling.  I thought at first her husband had dropped over dead.  I don't know why she was out on her porch with all this racket.  Maybe she wanted everyone to know and come running?  Maybe she wanted to get away from the dead pig?

Monday she posted a picture on FB of the new paint job her husband has just completed.  7 layers of different colored purple paint layered and sponged onto the wall.  I immediately knew why the Guinea Pig had died.  Paint fumes are toxic to Guinea Pigs--a paint job that lasted over two weeks and they never thought to put the piggie outside on the porch, or at least close the door to its room and open the window--any window.

Pearl said, "That girl doesn't deserve to have any animals!  All of them she takes in, she either gives away in six months or they die."

"I said, "Serves her right for going to worship Pagan gods and goddesses."  
<Yes, I know.  I am an evil person, prone to prejudices and probably going straight to hell!>
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Dar was over and it wasn't too bad, actually.  She was getting ready to go to the wedding of her 4th cousin, twice removed, or something like that.

She had met John and Maisey as she was walking over--they were going for their evening walk.

John said, "Where are you going all dressed up?"

She replied, "To my cousin's wedding."

He said, "I've been married twice.  I left the first one and the second one left me."  and he ambled on.

She thought his response was quite odd and I said, "Yes.  He sometimes says things that have hardly anything to do with the subject matter."

 Then I told her about the time John and I were having a porch-chat and Merle stopped by.  I had told John and Pearl about my son Mark's diagnosis of cancer.

Merle said, "I'm so sorry to hear about your son."

Just as I was about to thank him, John said, "I worked for thirty years at Dynastics in Brighton."

Huh?
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Do you see why I often state that I am living around people like I have never known in my entire life?  They seem so weird that I sometimes think I am in the middle of a bad, nonsense, kind of dream!

Maybe someday, I will come out of the coma I have been in and wake to see I am still living out on my farm!!!!!
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Wrap an ear of sweet corn in a wet paper towel.


5 minutes on high.

The last week or so, I seem to have gone vegetarian.

No need to wonder why it is called a 

Rose of Sharon bush.

From the side, the blossoms look like roses.
From the front, I think they look like Holly Hocks.

  
      

This N' That

Maggie must have thought the sun was too bright, so she stuck her head under the table cloth and took her nap.

...and someone else was napping under the couch!

I posted this on Face Book--you may have seen it.

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"It has been brought to my attention that my flippant, sarcastic way of speaking has caused misunderstandings and hurt, especially to people close to me.  Apparently, when I make a sarcastic remark and then laugh, I cannot assume the person knows I am only kidding or teasing.  I was raised in a family where sarcasm, flippant and teasing remarks were an everyday thing.  We called it "humor" and at one time, I was praised for my quick wit.  I am rarely serious about most things in life, so it will be difficult for me to change, but...change I must.

So, Dear Hearts, please bear with me through this life changing transition.  (Geez Louise!  Another sarcastic remark!)"

My Daddy had a wicked wit and made many sarcastic comments--none of them hurt me because I knew he was kidding.  All of their friends bantered back and forth like that.  I was raised in that atmosphere.  Then in school, everyone was like that.  If someone stumbled a bit, we'd all call out, "How ya doing, Grace."  Everyone laughed, including the kid who stumbled--many times the stumbler was me.LOL

Perhaps today that would be called bullying?

Then a friend explained, in today's society, everyone is either texting, e-mailing, Tweeting, or making comments on Face Book.  We no longer communicate in the conventional way--face-to-face.  We don't see the person's facial expression, body language or hear the inflection in their voices.

Thus, a flippant or sarcastic remark could be taken at face value and deemed to be nasty or mean.  Where it would normally be laughed at in a face-to-face chat.

I'm Living A Soap Opera!!!

I used to have such a wonderful, loving family.  I was adored by my great grandparents, grand parents and parents--well my mother at least.  Although I do have pictures, when I was little, of my Daddy holding me and smiling.  All of us saw each other almost every day--taking many meals together.  After my children were born, nothing changed.  Our families, got together every week or weekend.  We were very close, loving and affectionate, and supportive.

What happened?

I have blamed myself for these last thirty years, because of the divorce.  If my ex and I were still together, we would still be hosting Christmas Eve with the whole family.  We would still be having get together's in the summer months.  The kids would come to visit us--together.

But then I thought, none of the kids were devastated by our divorce.  Jennifer was the only kid at home, at 14, and she and her Dad never got along.  Mark, Pam and Karen were off on their own.

Susan and I talked about this on Sunday.  We both came to the same conclusion--"if Mother hadn't died."  "If the mean Daddy had died, instead of Mother.  How different everything would have been."  "If the step-mother hadn't entered the family and started playing all of us off against each other."

She did it with my sister and I, with Jennifer and I, with my kids against each other.  Telling things like, "You will never guess what your mother has done now."  Or, "You will never guess what your sister said about you," or "what your brother did, or sister........" on and on for 38 years.

Susan sees it in how her son treats her.  I see it in how my kids treat me.

It is awful and we both looked heavenward and told our Mother, "Why did YOU leave us?"  and then contemplated going to the Byron cemetery and peeing on the step-mother's grave!
<good idea, Beth?>
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On a lighter and to me, amusing topic, Melissa Gilbert--Laura of Little House--is running for Congress in the District where I live.  She owes some $360,000.00 to the IRS in back taxes.  Sounds like the perfect candidate--right?  It doesn't really matter.  She doesn't have a chance in this Republican District.  

Her French Bulldog DOES have a professional stylist--I suppose that might help.  She can use her in campaign photos.  She recently had her cheek and breasts implants removed--that also might help.  AND, she just bought a HUGE home outside the town of Howell.  Apparently owing the IRS, raised her credit rating?

http://www.msn.com/en-us/tv/news/actress-melissa-gilbert-to-run-for-congress-in-michigan/ar-BBlCQL1?ocid=ansentap11
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On a still lighter note:

Pearl came down last night for a visit.  We were talking about this and that and then she said,

"Merle and I went to the movies on Sunday."

"Oh.  What did you see?"

"It was called 'Train Wreck' ."

"I heard that was good.  Did you like it?"

"Not really.  We thought it was going to be about a run away train, or something, but it wasn't."

I started giggling and then, couldn't hold back, and let out with  huge, loud laughter.  She just looked at me.

I said, "It's not about a train getting wrecked.  Nowadays, the term train wreck, means when someone's life is a disaster.  Like, 'My life is a train wreck right now.' "

"Oh.  There wasn't a single train in the whole movie.   Well, once they were on the....oh..you know.  That train that runs underground."

"You mean a subway?"

"Yes...that's it."

"You didn't check out what the movie was about before you went?"

"Well, yes!  We saw the title and thought it would be a movie like that one years ago.  Oh what is the name.............where the bus is out of control....with that cute actress in it..............."

"You mean 'Speed'?"

"Yeah.  That one."
<Oh. My. Gosh!>
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Look who came for a porch chat this morning.

 Maisey, leading her human, John.








and, when it was time to leave, she laid at the bottom of the steps and would not move.

John said, "I'll bring her pajamas with us, when we walk tonight, and she can have a sleep-over with the cats."
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Where shall we walk today?

Out the front door, back along my west side lawn to the shed and out to the other street.  

The Rose of Sharon to the right of my shed, needs cutting down.  Most of it is dead. 

Zinnia's finally coming on and my experiment with a Sunflower

 If I turn my back to my shed, there is John's house on Gulfstream Drive.

Out to Gulfstream, turn right and up a bit to Cypress Way. 

, the street behind me.

On the way back, I cut through an empty lot to come up to the back of my place.

These Privet bushes used to look like this:

 When I moved in. 

Then like this after I trimmed them.

Then, the winter of 2013, just about killed them. 

Then, Spring of 2014, I had my BIL come down and cut the bushes down to the ground and, they looked like this.

.

















And, now they are all coming back, fuller and healthier than they have ever been.

It Was A Nice Day--Kinda.

 I went up to Byron yesterday to see Pam on her birthday and to visit my sister.

Mark and Pam had gone out to lunch for her birthday, along with Jennifer and their Dad. Pam told me they'd be back around 2:00, she would drop Mark off at his house and then be at her place.

I decided to sit up at Mark's so I would be there when they arrived, so I could see him.

It was quite lovely actually.  I parked my car under the shade of a big Maple tree, opened two doors on my car to catch the breeze coming through and thought and thought about the years I grew up there.  They got home at 3:00.

I got to give Mark a hug and a kiss and hand him his picture collage I had made for him--photo above.  The picture of me and him at 5 days, was printed on the back.  I told him I was making one for each of "you kids" and thought, as long as I was in the area, I'd dropped his off too.

He really liked it and gave me a big hug.

He was having a terrible back ache--he has two discs missing in his back, and had to get inside to rest.  He looks great.  Tall and strong and healthy looking as ever.
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Apparently quite a few people in the small community know, the secret I couldn't talk about on here, but now can.  Mark has prostate cancer.  Plus he has tumors on his spine, at the base of his skull and his pelvis.

He got the first diagnosis in May.  He was going to have his prostate removed, late May, and then tell everyone afterwards.  Well no, he wouldn't tell everyone, he would leave it up to his girlfriend to tell everyone, "Hey, Mark had prostate cancer.  He had the surgery and everything is fine."

Then, they found the other cancers.  He still was not going to tell anyone, but his girlfriend got hysterical and drove down to Pam's and dumped it all on to her.

Mark had an MRI last Friday to see where other cancers may be and the oncologist will make a treatment plan.  If there is one.  There very well be nothing they can do for him.
==========================
Mark went inside and I followed Pam down to her house.

We spent about 90 minutes together.  She was worn out too.

Then I drove back up to my sister's and spent a couple of hours with her.  My sister and I made a vow some 30 years ago to be completely open and honest with each other.  Back in the days when our step mother was telling each of us lies about the other.

She and I had a wonderful talk!  Poor Pammie has known since early June.  She and Mark are very close and he will talk and see her, but no one else.  She told him to pack his suitcase and get in the car because, "we are taking a road trip to the American Cancer Treatment Center in Chicago!"  He refused.  

Susan has known since July 4th, as has Karen and Jennifer. I found out July 27th.  They wouldn't tell me because I would blab it on Face Book--like that would ever happen!

Many misunderstandings!!!  None of us what to communicate with his girl friend.  We can't understand her.  She tends to drink quite a bit.  Her voice is very hoarse and I can't hear her very well.  Pam is the one to get any new news and will text everyone else and send me an e-mail.

Pam and Susan told Cindy, his girlfriend that would make it easier on her--not to have to make several phone calls.  

When Jen hears from Pam, she will call their Dad and over dramatize the whole thing.
========

I had concerns about Jennifer that I wanted to clarify with my sister.

Jen dropped in Saturday night and told me I needed to visit Mark and apologize to him.

"Apologize?  For what?"
"When you told him you should have inherited the farm, instead of him."
"What!?  I never told him any such thing!"
"I just want you to see him and talk so you won't have any guilt feelings afterwards."
"Apologize for something I never did?"
"Well, he thinks you said that.  That's why he won't come to any family gatherings if you are going to be there!"

So, my brain kicks into gear.  I only usually see Mark twice a year--that's all anyone in the family usually sees him.  He is more a hermit than I am and doesn't like those kinds of things, has a stubborn streak, and just doesn't go.

BUT--I saw him Christmas Eve--in fact have a picture of us sitting together, talking.  We are both laughing. I saw him last June at Madeleine's open house.  We had a nice hug, kiss and chat.  Every Christmas Eve, like forever.  At a party Jen had a couple of years ago.  He attended my 75th birthday get together at Susan's, even though Jennifer did not.  (I was told they had company so she couldn't come and found out later--that was not true.)  So, he isn't missing any family get togethers because of me.

She went on, "You stopped in to see him one day, a couple of years ago, and told him that."

"I have been inside Mark's house twice since he's lived there.  Once, when he first moved in, in 1989
 and one day, after I had been to visit Aunt Susan,  in August of 2013.  At that time, I told him how happy I was that he had gotten that farm, because out of the three farms, that was his favorite because his grandma had lived there.  He nodded his head yes.  Why would I tell him I thought I should have it?  What would I do with a hundred acre farm?"

Jen said, "Oh, well maybe Helen (step-mother) said it and he misunderstood."
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I had the strangest feeling that Jennifer was trying to get me riled up or something.  Like she thought knew that I'd go off half-cocked, run around telling everyone I never said that and look....perhaps guilty?

So yesterday, I didn't mention it to Pam, but I told my sister and wondered what I should do.

Susan said she had heard and she told my kids, "That doesn't sound like your Mother.  She was tickled to pieces that Mark and Pam inherited the farms--she told me that.' "

"Yes.  I told them both that.  Pam because it was the farm where she grew up and Mark because it was his favorite farm and he had spent such good times there with Mother and wanted to farm it with Daddy."

"I remember the day.  You were here and getting ready to leave and you said, 'I think I'll stop up and see Mark.'  In fact, I watched out the kitchen window as you drove on up there.  Remember?  I called you later to see how it went and you told me he was either drunk or high and you couldn't stay too long because of the filthy language he kept using."

"Well, it was hard for me to go up there.  Mark isn't exactly welcoming."

"It's not just you.  I have never been inside his house.  The only time I see him is when he comes down to put air in his truck tires and then....he never comes inside to say Hi or to talk."
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So--Susan and I mulled it all over.  

"If you apologize to Mark, just to keep the peace, he will think you are only doing it because he is dying.   He hasn't even accepted that yet."

"I know."

"If the girls hear that you apologized, they may get mad because you did it because YOU think he is dying and it upset him."

"So--it's a no win situation.  Right?"

"I love Jennifer to death, but.....knowing how she can be like Helen (step-mother), the only grandma she knew and was greatly influenced by....I wonder what her motives are."

"Me too."

"Just before Dad died, Jen told me that she thought you and I should apologize to Dad."

"For what?"

"I don't know.  I couldn't think of a reason.  We both told him we loved him.  We always hugged and kissed him every time we saw him.  If anyone needed to apologize to anyone...it would have been him to us!  For the way he treated us!"

"Wouldn't that have been a jaw-dropping, making us speechless moment?"

"Also, I think Jennifer wants to be in the middle of things, handling stuff.  She likes to be the in charge person.  She was with Dad when he died, and Helen when she died--at their last breath."

"Yeah.  Than everyone comes to her with sympathies and how wonderful she is for being with the dying person."

"Just like when you were in the hospital.  She hadn't seen or spoken to you in eight months, but into your hospital room she walks, with candy a hug and air kiss, and then out to confer with the doctor's and nurses.  What's up with that?"

"Well, in that case, she will be with me in my last moments!  How nice to know I won't be alone."
<we both laughed>

I said, "I have written each of my kids a letter, to be given to them after I die.  In each letter, I expressed to both Mark and Pam how I am glad they got the farms and the reasons why.  I wrote the letters in 2010.  In each letter, I told each kid how proud I have always been of them, how much I adored them when they were born, different instances of some situation when we had so much fun together,...you know--memory stuff and I told them how much I love them and....I apologized for not being the best mother to them."

"Yeah.  I have done the same for Adam. (her son).  

"So what should I do about this Jennifer thing?  Is she telling me this stuff to help or to hurt me?"

 Susan and I finally mulled it to the place where, I am not going to mention Jennifer's accusation to the other girls.  I am also not going to apologize to Mark for something I never did--at least not at this point in his illness.
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I have decided and told Susan that I am no longer going to "share" with any of the girls things like, "Oh Karen, Pammie told me......." or, "Oh Pam, by the way, Jen told me", or really say anything to any of them.  Jennifer can twist my words so easily and the girls and Mark might believe her.  I just have to keep quiet and only take in what they tell me with no response from me other than an "Oh?" or a "Thanks for letting me know." 

I hate having to walk on egg shells with my kids, but 
I want no more misunderstandings!!!  

My sister will share everything she hears with me and I with her.  She will be honest with me, even if it hurts.  She has already cautioned me about saying flippant and sarcastic stuff--which I am very prone to do.  Our whole family "was" that way, but the younger generation doesn't get it and sometimes they think we are being real, or mean, instead of kidding.

Dear Karen has stayed much out of the fray.  Her brother picked on her most of her life.  Has lied to her and hurt her.  Yes, she is distraught that he is now dying, but she prefers to pray, rather than confront.  
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Complications and misunderstandings just get more so when there is something like this in a family.  I just wish it weren't so.  I just wish I could drop in and see my son, whenever I wanted to.  I wish the whole family could be more relaxed and get together and trust and support each other.
  
Maybe that will come later?

Sunday

I visited Mark, Pam and sister Susan today.

No Need

No need for Walkies-Walkies today.

These gave me enough exercise!

Vacuuming/dusting

5 loads of laundry

 OH. MY. GOSH!!

  This stuff really works!

Can you see the difference?

The pillowcase on top--is the color my whites are.

The sheets underneath, is the color after using the OUT!

I am amazed!

Because of "our" hard water, which contains rust, lime and calcium, ALL my white clothes and bedding takes on a sort of yellowish hue after a while.  

I took everything white, out of my closet and threw it in.  1/2 cup OUT, fill washer with WARM water, let soak for 20 minutes, add detergent and wash.  VOILA!!