Sunny Sunday

The high temperature today was: 88 degrees

The humidity today was:  59%

Sunny--hot

Tomorrow--hotter, in the 90's.

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This is what I saw first thing this morning.  Yes--it is a squirrel, right outside my window, upside down in the Mulberry tree, having his breakfast.

Church today was great.  Our minister was on a weekend retreat and the women of the church took over.  There was a flute solo and then a flute duet, then two ladies stepped up to the pulpit and told of their favorite hymn and why the words meant so much to them.  How it had encouraged them, or enriched their lives, or brought them back.  The one lady, who had been raised in a Christian home, had strayed away from the church when she was a young married.  She wasn't living a sinful life, but she wasn't going to church anymore, or even thinking about it.  Then she attended her grandfather's funeral and one of the hymns they sang, made her realize that she needed to get back her prayer life, her involvement in the church, her closer walk with God.  

I told her after church that I appreciated her testimony so much.  That I was also like that.  Raised in a Christian home from my birth and I too, has taken it all for granted and stopped going to church.  Then I said, "A lot of us raised that way seem to stray--more so then someone who comes to Christ later in life.  BUT when we come back--it is always better and stronger then the first time."

The other lady spoke of her favorite hymn "It Is Well With My Soul", which is one of my favorites.  I have sung it as a solo in choir and as a duet.  It was one of Fred's favorites also and he and I sang it as a duet once AND it was sung at his funeral.  I did fine while we sang it--I was having a great time.  Then the song ended, we sat down, and all of a sudden, there was a great amount of water running down my cheeks.  GEEZ!! I so hate to cry in church.  I had to turn to reach in my purse for a tissue and the couple who sit behind me each week, saw the tears and he reached up and patted me on the shoulder, which ONLY MADE IT WORSE!!!

This was the new church I started attending after Fred died.  On the advice of the funeral director, given to my question, "How can I get a Methodist minister to do the service?"  I really liked him.  I hadn't been going to church for a few six  years, as I didn't like the bigger, snooty church in Brighton.  This is a small church in the town west of me, Howell.  It seemed every Sunday, most hymns would make me cry.  Then I found out the minister's wife had died.  He was driving and lost control on an icy road, their car hit a tree, she was killed instantly.  At the time, they were in their forties, with four children--two still at home.  The whole congregation cried that Sunday, when he told us.  I wish I had a picture of him--you would guess his age to be mid-sixties.  He in fact, is nine months younger then my son, 54. The tragedy had aged him beyond belief.

For the first six months, I cried every Sunday and I was so embarrassed.  I told him one Sunday after church that I was going to have to quit coming--unless he promised not to make me cry.  He said, "But crying is good for us.  It cleanses us.  It's okay."

I think I have written before about how I never cry at funerals. I didn't cry at Fred's.  I don't ever cry in sorrow.  I cry at weddings, graduation, seeing the grand children performances, but never at anything sad.  Not the case so much now..at my best friend's funeral, when I walked by the casket on the way out and something hit me and her death and the repression of sorrow I had from Fred's all came together, and I collapsed.  Talk about being embarrassed!!!

For the last year, I haven't teared up too much in church--usually I am a grinning fool while we sing because the hymns, that I have known ALL my life--make me so happy.  Until today.  So--if crying is good for us and cleanses us--then I am good and I am clean.
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So, yesterday I saw something on Face Book and I wanted to make it.  So I stopped at the Wal-Mart on the way home and bought some plastic beads to make this:

~So simple! Layer cheap plastic beads in cake pans (no lining required), melt at 400 for 20 minutes,let cool, & then just flip them out. Drill a hole in it to make it a suncatcher! Great "craft" for kids (choose the colors, arrange them in the pans) to make as gifts for grandparents or teachers.

The trick will be to get down low enough so I can look in my cupboards and try and find my cake pans.  I haven't made a cake in a few many years.  I hope my oven doesn't catch on fire.  I haven't used my oven in a few many months.  I will post a picture when I get it made.  I hope it turns out.  I am going for the blue/green/purple.  Of course there wasn't just a box of beads those colors--so I had to buy extra and will pick out the ones I want.  Maybe I will make a multi-color one for Pearl.

Then I got home and came in to change before I got the other few things I had purchased out of the car.  On the way out, I noticed that my Rose of Sharon bush had one bloom on it.  I have four bushes, pink, red and bluish purple.

They look like Holly Hock blossoms don't they?

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Then I noticed a bunch of birds in the Maple Tree, so I had to run over and scare them away, they were looking at my Hummingbird's nest.

So--I no more got in the house after carrying in my packages and Dar appeared.  She goes to church at 8:00 in the morning, so she is ready for her Sunday visit over here around noon.  Well--I go to church at 10:30, so I am just getting home at noon and ready to eat and...in she walks.  Sits down and starts in with her review of her day yesterday.  I don't remember all of it because I was trying to eat my antipasto salad.  

After about an hour, she said that she had seen the picture of the hummingbird and the nest, that I posted on Face Book and she wanted me to show it to her.  So I jumped up and outside we went.  Then I had a major dizzy spell because I had moved way too fast, and I couldn't look up, because I couldn't keep my balance.  I walked around a little bit, with my head lowered and finally was okay to look up and point it out.  She was impressed--gasp.  

As we were watching, the bird came out and Dar said, "Oh my gosh--that's the same one that comes to my feeder!!"

"Wow--that's cool," says I.  But of course, I could not keep my big mouth shut, so I said, "How do you know it's the same one?  Does it have distinctive markings?"

"It's the same one, I know it is.  It's a Hummingbird...right?"

"Yes."

"Well I have a Hummingbird at my feeder all the time!"

"Do you think there might be more then one Hummingbird in the neighborhood?"

"Probably, but....I know...that's the same one."

Okay!!

Then Tami, from next door, must have seen us because she came stomping over and said, "Where is the nest?"

I showed her and the bird was just coming back to the nest.  "Oh," she said.  "That's the one that eats at my feeder all the time!  She will bring her babies to my feeder when they hatch."

"How do you know that's the one that eats at your feeder?" asked Dar.  "I see her at mine!"

"She just flew in from that direction," says Tami pointing at her house.  "So I know---it's the same one!"

Okay!!

Apparently it is a matter of pride who's feeder this bird eats at?  So I just had to throw it out there with, "Well, she may eat at YOUR feeders, BUT--she lives in MY tree!"

Hee hee hee!

They both laughed and I was super dizzy again so I went and sat on the porch.  Just then, the bird exited her nest and headed a bit south, across the street and I heard Dar say, "Look--she going to my house and MY feeder!"

I sure would miss all of this if I moved out into the Little House On The Corner!!!  NOT really!

So--an hour later, Pearl walked down to see the bird.  Now Pearl also had trouble with balance looking up.  Well, I'm glad no one had a camera to take a video of both of us, hanging on to each other, swaying back and forth like two drunk old ladies and practically falling over.  Finally I said to Pearl, "Can you see the nest?"

"Yes...oh the bird is in there."

"Well, I will hold you while you look and I will look down at the ground to keep us both steady."  and I did and it worked!!!

I got back in the house and noticed my phone blinking, so I pushed the re-dial.  It was my neighbor, from the years I lived in Saginaw, who has been calling me EVERY DAY for the last TEN days to tell me all her problems with contractors putting in a new kitchen.

"You gotta turn on the TV.  They are rioting in California.  George Zimmerman is going to give a statement.  The President is going to say something--you gotta---you....."

"Oh Phyl, I don't want to watch any of it.  Okay?  I'm going to watch the Tiger ballgame.  I am so sick of all the media coverage of this trial and the verdict."

"Oh...okay...I just thought you'd be interested."

"I was.  I watched parts of the trial almost every day.  The Prosecution did a piss poor job.  The verdict is the only one the jury could come up with because of the piss poor job--it is tragic and the trial is over and I just don't want to see anymore about it.  I am so done with it."

"Okay.  There were five white kids killed in our town last night, by a group of ten black kids and NO media coverage on that."

"Yeah.  I know."

"Okay.  Bye."

Maybe if I moved to the country, I would get a new phone and NOT give my number to anyone?  Out there, I wouldn't hear anything on the news about the mess in Detroit.  I wouldn't hear anything about the mess in Flint or Saginaw.  I would listen to the Lansing news and that town apparently, is still civilized--to a point.  OR--maybe I will go back to where I was a few months ago when I LISTENED TO NO NEWS PROGRAMS!!!  Yeah--that sounds best.

Tomorrow I will get up and do whatever and at 3:30 I will head up to The Farm for supper with my sister, brother-in-law and his sister who is visiting from New York.  AND I will stop and tour the Little House On The Corner and take pictures and walk away and be just fine with it all.  Honest.

Did you see the movie or read the book, "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel"?  There is a line in there that has become a favorite of mine.  "Everything will be all right in the end.  If everything isn't all right, then it isn't the end."

Thank you for listening.

  

I. M. H. O.

The verdict was correct--legally.

The State did not have enough evidence beyond doubt so the jury had only one way to go.  Legally.

There was not enough evidence to begin with, for prosecution, that is why the sheriff didn't arrest George Zimmerman at the time. Legally.

Then the racists got all involved.  Sharpton, Jackson and the President?  Since when does a President give an opinion like that--he shouldn't have.

Then the DOJ got involved and turned it into a racial crime.  (I have heard reported the reason they did was that the black racists and the President thought it would appease the black people that feel their young men are arrested unfairly--which they are.)

Then--they called for GZ's arrest and he turned himself in.  Then they fired the sheriff.

Well--get this, GZ is bi-racial, his grandfather is black.  He is a registered Democrat.

The way the Florida law stands, if you feel the slightest bit threatened for your life, you can defend yourself, shoot the person, hit them upside the head with a baseball bat--whatever.  What a great excuse!!  "My neighbor said that he was going to beat me up someday, so I shot him."  "My husband raised his hand to me, so I stabbed him to death."  Stupid law in my opinion. Too far reaching.

IF GZ was black, there never would have been a trial.  IF Trayvon was white, there never would have been a trial.

The media turned it into a circus, as usual.  So much coverage you could watch the trial all day long, if you wanted to.

Now Sharpton and his idiot squad will probably put Trayvon's poor parents through another heart wrenching trial by telling them they ought to sue Zimmerman in a civil trial.  Have you ever seen classier people then the Martin's?  To go through that day after day and remain passive?  I wouldn't have been able to.

Should he was gotten out of his car?  NO

Should he have confronted the kid?  NO

Did he take his position as Neighborhood Watchman too seriously?  Probably.

Will there be race riots?  If the Black Panthers have their way and Sharpton stirs them up.  YES

This should not be about race at all!!!

Was the verdict correct?  Based on the evidence, or lack thereof,  presented--yes.

You cannot be on a jury and make your decision based on emotions or your feelings--that's why I hope I am never on a jury for murder trial because if someone confessed, "Yes.  I shot him."  I'd say, "then off to jail you go for life."

I think probably GZ needs to move to Canada or Mexico, because, unless he gets facial reconstruction, or goes into Witness Protection, he is a dead man.  Someone will go up to him, he will turn and raise his hand and they will shoot him--in self defense--you can do that in Florida.

You remember how Casey Anthony got away with murder?  I think they need better prosecutors in Florida courts.

But...Wait!

The high temperature today was:  82 degrees

The humidity today was:  60% (going back up)

Sunny and nice

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Oh, how I love you people!!! All the caring comments--the encouragement and the caution given to me.  I want you all to know I AM NOT DISTRESSED IF I CAN'T LIVE IN THE LITTLE HOUSE ON THE CORNER!!!  I also want you all to understand something--as chatty and let it all hang out, as I am on this blog--I am not like that (usually) to people.  None of my neighbor's know that I am even checking out the house.  My kids don't know--my sister only knows that I am going to look through it--she wants to come up the road to see it too, because she is curious.

I use to write copious amounts of thoughts in my journal.  With my arthritic hands, I can't write very well anymore--my handwriting is very crooked and it hurts.  SO--this has become my diary--my journal--the place I get all my ponderings/wonderings/feelings/thoughts down where I can look at them.  I don't care if you read my (this) personal diary.  It's not like I am hiding some secret tryst--although that does sound like a bit of fun.

THEREFORE--I want your feedback!!!  I want your HONEST comments and opinions.  You are NEVER going to hurt my feelings with anything you may say. Who am I suppose to get advice from if it isn't people my own age--with experience in these kind of things?  Advice is nice--to me anyway, but don't forget--I keep my own counsel.  If someone commented, "Go get a million dollar loan and buy the house," and I DID and it turned out badly, I wouldn't blame them.  Or if someone commented, "Look you idiot--don't get in over your head!" I wouldn't be miffed.  and  even if I did EVERYTHING wrong, none of you would type in the "I told you so" comment.  I sometimes leave very bossy comments on other's blogs and afterwards, I always wonder if I should go back and delete it, but--I never do.  They aren't going to live their lives based on what I say--as I am not going to live my life based on what you guys say.

I just want HONESTY--it is so rare nowadays and I appreciate all comments because often, a comment will snap my head back and I will think, "Geez--I never thought of it that way,"  which is really helpful.  SO  DAMMIT--post whatever you want to!!!  

I have two friends who read this blog and even though they don't comment, they do send me an e-mail with their thoughts and advice.  So many times, they will say something I never even thought of and it is so helpful.  Who else can I get feedback from?  I certainly am not going to ask Dar (oh geez--never) and Pearl probably would give her opinion based on her own emotions--I know she wouldn't want me to move. 

Nope!  I need you guys.
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Now listen to me--I wasn't even thinking about the Little House On The Corner and when I woke up last week and my first conscious thought was "check it out," at first I didn't know what it meant and then I remembered my brother-in-laws comment on my birthday weeks ago.  So--after the past 18 months when I seem to be getting God Whispers or Freddy Whispers--even though I don't quite believe in Freddy Whispers and don't really know if God Whispers, I thought...perhaps.  So I had to check it out, knowing all along that it probably was not going to be a possibility--but it's kind of fun to think of, so I HAVE TO CHECK IT OUT!!!

I knew last night that it isn't going to happen and I slept well. I got up this morning and had to run into town to get more inkjet cartridges and as I was driving, I noticed that Brighton is having an art fair.  Cool beans!  Then I was watching the heavy traffic and not even thinking about houses, and someone said in my head, "but you forgot.  You will sell your place and have money."  and...I had never thought of that.  So Julie?  Maybe that is when you were leaving that comment on my post?

When I got back, I was wondering of how much I could get for my place and as I drove in the park--there was the manager walking down the street, I have NEVER seen him walking down the street (ah ha--a sign?) so I pulled over and he came up to my car.

"Hi Rob--how's it going?"

"Pretty good.  Did you need something?"

"Yeah--I was just wondering...you've been inside... seen my place, do you think I could get a good price if I sold it?"

"You're not thinking of leaving us...are you?"

"Not really---I'm just speculating."

"Well...it's a buyers market right now--at least here.  We have fifteen to twenty-five people a day come in the office to see what we have for sale.  I've got a forty thousand dollar unit over on the other side and I've got six people in a bidding war for it right now."

"Is it worth forty thousand."

"No--it's worth about twenty-five, but people keep moving the price up with their bids."

"Wow."

"Hey," he leaned closer to my open car window, "don't tell anyone I told you this, but don't sell it to the park.  You put a sign up in your front window, "for sale by owner".  That way you wouldn't have to pay us a commission and you wouldn't have to deal with a realtor.  I'll bet you'd have people knocking at your door the first day the sign went up.  We are having a lot of traffic through here."

"What kind of price should I ask?"

"Oh--you could probably get twelve for it.  You just put on a new roof, right?"

"Yeah and a couple of years ago, I had that walk-in shower room put in."

"If I were you, I'd ask thirteen five for it--you can always come down.  In fact...I know someone who would buy it tomorrow.  You are in a great location in the back and you have landscaped it nice--yeah....let me know when you are ready."

"Okay--Rob--remember, I am just speculating," I laughed and drove off.

I figured I'd be lucky to get ten for it, so that was nice news to hear.  Anyway--that money would help make the decision BUT--at 800.00 a month for what it would cost me to change residences, times twelve months is $9,600.00 and then most of my "stockpile" would be gone and then...what would I do the next year?  It's not like I have extra income coming in that I could save and put aside.

So--Pammie called me and we chatted--The Idiot has a house and is about to close on it.  He will be out by Pammie's August 9th birthday--she thinks, LOL.  

Hey--do you know what my smart daughter did?  Five years ago, she made him sign a lease and pay rent each month--which he has never did.  So that way, when she asked him to leave, he had no reason to fight it because--he had not kept the lease agreement.  Boy--I don't know how she got so smart--maybe legal advice from her youngest sister?  Anyway--I have been worried that he was going to cause trouble, but...............guess not.  YAY!!

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Then I casually mentioned, "Did you know the house on the corner is for sale or rent again?"

"No.  I knew they had sold their house, I thought maybe they were going to live in it."

"They have--just until their house was ready, but they are out of it now.  They are having it all painted and cleaned and putting in a Be Dry system around the foundation because there is a bit of water in the basement, and a new roof over the front half."

"You oughta check into it, Momma."

"Well---I did."

"How much do they want for it?"

"A hundred thousand."

"WOW!  If they want that--for that little place, and a quarter acre, my house must be worth a million!!  What do they want for rent?"

"Seven fifty."

"Oh--good grief!!!  For that little place?"

"Yeah--seemed a bit much to me too.  And I'd have to pay for garbage pick-up and get new appliances--or good used ones and you know I gotta have my internet connection and I gave away my lawn mower, so........."

"Well--how much garbage do you have?  One bag?  You can run it down here and put in with mine or take it down to Aunt Susie's. Internet connection isn't available out here--not high speed, so you'd have to get what Aunt Susie has--I don't know what they pay.I can mow your lawn--or Uncle Chuck would probably run up on his rider and do it for you."

"Yeah--I thought of that, but...I'd be a long way from Wal-Mart, doctor's, dentist and I couldn't just decide I wanted a Sub way for supper and drive up the road a mile to get it."

"Nope," she laughed.  "The nearest Sub Way is probably at least fifteen miles.  You'd have to pack a lunch to make the journey," she laughed again.  Of course, you'd be closer to family, but you probably wouldn't see any more of us, then you do now."

"Yeah, I know.  I can't afford it anyway.  Just wanted to let you know.  I AM going to go through the house Monday, just because I am so curious what they have done with it."

"Why the hell not!  Can't hurt to check it out."

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So--there ya go.  It's strange that I never even thought about the money I'd get for selling this place.  I have never sold a house before.  I gave my house to Pammie and after that, I was always living in someone else house.  I have also never rented, so I don't quite know what all that entails.

I wouldn't want to buy it even if I could get it for the appraised amount of $75K.  I would prefer to rent so that when I die, my kids wouldn't have to deal with selling the place.  They could just move all my old furniture out to the burning pile and be done with it.

I would be very far from stores and that would cost more in car gas money.  So--there are many reasons not to move back "home" that are practical.  HOWEVER--emotionally, I would be happier..maybe. I would be near my sister--probably would see her only every couple of weeks as I do now, but we might go grocery shopping together. You all know that basically, I am a hermit, so I would never get lonely out there.

HOWEVER--I cannot make a decision based on emotions.  I've done that too many times and lived to regret it and...came out in debt because of it, LOL.  

So--unless I get a notice in the next month, that I have indeed inherited 1/3 the rest of my Daddy's inheritance--I won't be moving.  And if I don't move and still get the inheritance, I will get new carpeting for this place and smile.  I am under the impression right now that the step-mother lied to my sister and I, which would not be out of the norm.  When my Daddy died, it took three months for any of us named in the Will to get notice. So--going on that, I am thinking we should know any time now, and we haven't heard a thing. My Jennifer, as an attorney, could find out, and no one would know, but I certainly am not going to ask her.  Susan's son, who works for the State government, says he can too and Susan said the other day, she's waiting until August and if we haven't heard, she is actually going to tell him to find out for us.  Hm-mm. 

That's the way it feels right now--it doesn't seem to be affecting me in any way.  If it worked out and I could move--that would be okay.  And if it works out that I stay here--that will be okay too.  Most old people I know are, selling their country homes and moving into town--I would be doing the reverse, which in actuality, is probably stupid.

But--I AM going to tour that house--dammit!!!  I probably won't like it--that would be a good thing too :-)

Oh--I just found out today that my best friend's home is going to be rented out also.  Just a mile from Byron.  I am NOT going to check that one out.  What would I do with a ten room house?  Been there--done that.  Besides, it would creep me out big time to live in her home!!! 

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Hey--this morning I saw movement in the maple tree just outside my computer room windows--it was a hummingbird in her nest!!! My camera isn't THAT good, hasn't a very strong zoom,but it was cool beans anyway.

Pic #1,Way up to the right,sort of middle where the branch has a crook and a Y shape.
Pic #2--there she is.  Pic #3--THERE she is!!

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Oh, I forgot--for those who asked?  Fred and I were going to buy a manufactured home and move it out to the field south of the Big House.  We checked it all out.  The house would cost around $50K for a double wide. We then would have to put in a well, a septic tank, a basement--a garage?  We did all the calculating--it would have cost near $100K--that field already has a driveway, so we wouldn't have to pay for that, LOL.  Then, there would be property taxes.  But--then Fred had his heart attack and we stayed here, near all things--which is what I should will do BECAUSE--who knows what month I am going to get a bad diagnosis and want to be near treatment centers?

Yes--I can sell my unit here outright, but in order to live in this park, the tenants must have a FICO (credit score) of at least 650.  So, I could sell it, but first they would have to have park approval.  I think they are trying to keep the Welfare people out, which is funny because...MOST of the Seniors in here, that I know, are on food assistance, rent assistance, fuel assistance.  Not by their own choice of course, but---things happen over the years--the price of everything goes up except Social Security.  

We do not have one black person in this park. I know that sounds strange to all of you, BUT the county I now live in use to be the main seat of the Michigan KKK.  Now, of course, that organization (?) is not active, but....... I have lived here 10 years and have only seen 6 black people.  Can you believe that?  Weird.  

I know there are around 6 families that attend the school my oldest grand kids go to and they are well educated, rich people who work for the U of Michigan and live out here--20-25 miles away.  I hope I don't sound bigoted--I'm not--it just has always seemed strange to me. 

Oh well--that's not a big deal I have to ponder on, I guess.

See you tomorrow. 

Personal Photo Challenge--birds

I have never done anything like this, but Sally told me to.

Momma Hummingbird on her nest

I watched her all day, flit from this nest, off to where ever she went and, then come back.  I kept trying to get a picture and I couldn't.  I went outside and took several pictures.  I do not have a very good camera and practically no zoom on it.  It was hard for me to see the bird from the ground because, I get very dizzy when I look up at something--without something to lean on.  My neighbor came down and I showed him the bird--then he held onto me so I could get steady and take her picture.

I have never seen a Hummingbird on her nest before, so I love this.

Perfect

Today's high temperature was:  73 degrees

Today's humidity was:  39%

Sunny--breezy--Heaven

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Up at eight o'clock.  A nice restful night with the windows open and the cool north-west breeze coming in and "cleaning" the house.  I have a privet hedge outside my bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/living room windows.  It is in full bloom and its scent passes my nose, every now and then.  It is way overgrown also--another big chore on the list, but cannot be trimmed until it is done blooming.  Besides there is a robin's nest in the bush by my bedroom window and I want to make sure she and her babies are gone before I trim.

I walked up to Pearl's this morning and Lily is doing better.  She and Tiger have not had a fit in 24 hours.  Pearl is feeling real guilty however, because Tiger stays under the bed all day.  Pearl feels that she has destroyed his happiness by bringing in another cat--and she probably has.  WHY IN THE WORLD she was so hell bent on getting another cat is beyond me!! It was something she got in her mind and no one could talk her out of it.  She has only had Lily 5 days and already doesn't like her because, "She is such an ugly cat!"

"Didn't you notice that when you visited her in the shelter?"

"Well, the picture I saw of her two months ago was so cute."

"Yes...I mean...when you went to get her...didn't you look at her?"

"Well, they had a sale that day--she was half-priced."

"That's because she is half the cat she was when her picture was taken!"

So--I flat out told Pearl that she CANNOT take Lily back to the animal control because they will kill her.  If she comes to the fact that she doesn't want her, SHE must find a good home for her.  "It is now your responsibility," I said.

The first of the week, she was trying to use Merle as an excuse--telling me that he was going to be furious when he got home because Lily had awakened him in the night.  However, when Merle got home, Lily jumped up on his lap and they took a nap together. So now Pearl can't use the excuse that she has to get rid of the cat because Merle doesn't like her.  HAH!!! 

While I was there, I noticed that Lily is becoming less nervous--less having to stay in motion all the time.  She is becoming quite content now and has started eating some wet food too, so maybe she will gain weight and look like her picture.  I don't know what is going to happen.. It all makes me so sad!!!  Maybe Pearl had a moment of a manic high and thought getting a cat was a good idea--at the time?
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Dar came over to borrow some cooking oil--she is making 150 brownies, or some such number.  I told her she could keep the half bottle I had, as I don't use cooking oil because I don't bake or fry anymore.  I didn't tell her it was purchased by Fred so it is nearly 2 years old!!!  

Then she told me that she wants to "run that business" because it is going down the tubes.  She thinks that around 12 people are going to quit because of the new manager.  "I could get that place in tip top condition in three months!!  There would be changes made that a lot of people wouldn't like--at first--but in the long run, they'd come to like it."

"If you feel that way...why don't you put in for the manager job?"

"Oh--I couldn't take it.  I'm exhausted now--it would kill me!"

She has worked there for five months and she looks terrible!!! Haggard--all of her 71 years and more.  I would expect her to quit any time myself.
=================================

So--I have been stalling, but I gotta write this down because....this is my journal.  

The lady I contacted who owns the Little House On The Corner, called tonight.  They would like to sell it for $100K, it is appraised at $75K.. they owe $96K.

Or--rent it for $750.00 a month.  They would really like to rent it to me--because they know I would take care of it and they have great respect for my father--who hired each of their sons to work for him at one time or another.

We talked for about an hour.  The last person who lived there had it on a land contract with them.  He put on the addition--a large bedroom, new large bathroom, garage and new roof.  He also fixed up the BASEMENT--yes--it has a REFUGE FROM THE STORMS BASEMENT--two small bedrooms, laundry room and furnace room.  They also added another small office to the main floor enlarged and upgraded the kitchen.  The guy that did all that, lost his job and gave them back the key--he wanted nothing for all the additions he had made!  He was packed up and headed to Tennessee and he stopped at their house, handed them the key and walked away.

Then they rented it for the last six months and those people kind of messed it up and couldn't pay their rent.

They are putting in new carpeting, painting and cleaning and putting in a Be-Dry system around the perimeter because there has been a bit of water in the basement lately.  

I am going out to Susan and Chuck's Monday for supper and I will go early so I can stop in and walk through the house.

HOWEVER

  

Unfortunately, I will not be living there.

The rent is twice what I pay here.  I would have to pay for garbage pick-up there, it is free here.  It has no air conditioning, so I would have to buy a window unit.  There are no appliances, but a new furnace. They use propane gas there which is way more expensive then the natural gas I have here.  AND to get that propane tank filled--is very costly--you can't just make monthly payments, I don't think.

I made up an Excel spread sheet tonight, putting in all expenses it costs me to live my life here and what it would cost me to live my life there.  It costs me around 1,500 a month living here.  It would cost me around 1,800 a month to live there--my income is 1,080 a month.  If I am nearly 500 dollars short each month here, how could I possibly be 800 short there and make it?

Wouldn't it be nice if we could be honest and unafraid that someone would take it the wrong way--to call my step sisters, who I have a good relationship with and just say, "Hi Dianne.  Yes or no...do you know if I am in your Mom's will?"

and if she said, "Yes," I would say, "thank you."  and if she said "No", I would say "thank you", but at least I would know--could breathe a sigh of relief and perhaps fulfill a dream.

==========================

So, Monday I will go to the Little House On The Corner, open the garage door and go in.  The back door is never locked.  And I will walk through the house and look at how I would arrange my furniture, and take pictures and look out each window to see what my view would be and maybe, sit on the front porch for a few minutes and just see what it would feel like.  Then...I will cry and get in my car, put my smile on and go down to Susan and Chuck's for a nice supper.

Then, I will drive home after dark (YIKES), come in and greet my purry furry's, look around and be glad that I have what I have and be very happy here AND never think about moving "home" again!!

So there--<sniff>

A Well Behaved Wednesday

Today's high temperature was: 85 degrees

Today's humidity was:  79%

Heat Index:  95 degrees

I called and, as luck wouldn't have it, the woman PhD psych is no longer there.  The owner of the place IS there--the PhD male psych my primary care guy wanted me to go to in the first place, so I made an appointment.  August 23rd!  Do you know how many times I am going to change my mind about going between now and then?  I know other's who have gone to this guy and they say he is great.  He better be!  I have had a bad experience with a couple of male therapists--but at this age, if this guy gives me any guff--I will just get up and leave.  I rather enjoy this new found, "I will not take any shit", attitude I now have in respect to people of authority, whom I used to be very submissive with.

Of course, this morning when I woke up, I wondered, "Now did I make that appointment out of a real need, or was it a manic reaction to feeling...manic?"  Second guess every dang decision I make lately!!  Comes from a long held experience of making decisions which, at the time seemed, "sound, sane and a good idea", that later turned into disasters!!

I do feel a bit better after making the appointment though--more settled into--I WILL once and for all--find out what is going on and what can help.  Perhaps I will find that out.  You never know when you go to a shrink.  Most are into the "talk therapy" and they end up listening while you talk it all out--which you could get the same help from a fence post.  Oh sure, they say, "and how did that make you feel," or "can you tell me a little more about that," which only makes you talk more until you come to your own conclusions.  Remember--most shrinks went into that profession because they were screwed up.  They thought by studying that subject, they would better understand themselves.  So--in reality, they aren't anymore mentally balanced then you are.  In fact, some I have gone too were a whole lot worse emotionally then I was, LOL.

With my last two female therapists, after a month, I ended up being their therapist.  I'd sit down and they would start in about their bad week, or their rebellious kid, or their rotten husband.  I'd give them bits of advice--because I'd "been there, done that", and they'd seem relieved.  Then, we'd chat a bit about how I was doing, and by then, I was doing pretty well realizing how grateful I was NOT to have their problems, LOL.

There was a good therapist I went to at the Mental Health offices in Owosso--when I still lived in Byron--during and after my divorce.  What was her name?  Louise?  She was very helpful. Oh well, that was a quarter of a decade ago, no wonder I can't remember.  Louise.  I think her name was Louise--Simpson.

 However, in that same facility, years before my divorce, I went to a PhD Dr. of Psychiatry who was an absolute idiot!!  At the time I was having problems with my slightly abusive hubby and of course, KNEW it was all my fault, so I was the one who had to get "fixed".  This Dude thought it would be a good idea to put me in group therapy with others.  We had a round table we sat around.  He sat me next to a guy who, every week, went in to great detail to tell me how stupid I was for some of the statements or thoughts I made.  "No wonder your husband slapped you!  He's trying to get it through your head how angry you make him.  I'd slap you too."

Apparently, the Doc thought that I would either get mad enough to stand up to this guy or--I don't know what.  of course, it didn't work with me because I had already been taught not to speak back to a MAN, by my Daddy and certainly not to your husband who, "WORKS ALL DAY IN THE SHOP TO PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD, FOOD ON THE TABLE AND CLOTHES ON YOUR BACK!!"  (even though we lived under the roof I had inherited from my grandma.)

So--after three weeks of this abuse, I called to cancel my group therapy appointment.  Told the young lady that answered the phone that I would not be coming back.  Lo and behold, two hours later the male PhD Doctor of Psychiatry called ME!  He said that I HAD to continue in group to have any good results.  That I needed to learn how to voice my opinion and stand up to my husband--to all men.

I waited until he was done and then said,  "Doctor, I will not be back."

"But, you won't have your break through if you don't learn how to stand up for yourself."

"Doctor, you don't understand.  I won't be back because I don't need to come back.  You have cured me.  I can now stand up to a man....that man is YOU!  I.  Will.  Not.  Be.  Coming.  Back!"  and I hung up the phone.

I never felt so good in my life, LOL.

Of course, I wasn't "cured" and I still didn't stand up to my husband.  After you stand up, get knocked down.  Stand up, get knocked down.  I learned early on--it is just easier to keep quiet, take the yelling and go on about your life.
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About my love of fried liver and onions--I also love chicken livers.

When I was four, my grandmother PAID to take me to a special doctor!!! He was a Pediatrician!!!  A long drive from home--into the BIG CITY!!

I can still remember that visit as if it was yesterday.  I can still see myself--sitting on a potty chair and asking my mother why that wanted my "potty".  Although, it was not difficult for me to pee as, another problem caused by what Mother said was nerves, I always had to pee--my Daddy would get so mad because when we went on a drive, I always had to stop, several times, to pee.

Anyway--there I was in my white cotton under pants, I remember feeling chilly, up on a high table and the nice doctor thumped my knees with a rubber, triangular thingie and it made my leg bounce.  No matter how hard I tried to keep my leg stiff and still, when he tapped my knee with that thing, my leg bounced.  Then he looked in my ears (it tickled) and my nose and I had to open my mouth way wide and say "Ah-hh".

Then I went into another room and laid on a big high wide table and some kind of machine traveled from my head down to my toes.  It didn't hurt--there was a kind of light on it and I watched as it traveled.  They told me it was taking pictures, through my skin and seeing my bones and my insides.  I thought that was pretty cool.  Nowadays, they would just take a blood sample, a urine sample and the doc would call the Momma when the results of the tests came back.

Back then, no needles were involved and---as long as no needles were involved, I was having a good time.

Then I got to put my pretty dress back on and the nurse took us into another room.  There was a nice little chair for me to sit in and Mother on one side of me and Grandma on the other.  The doctor came in and talked to Grandma and Mother.  I was busy looking around at the pictures he had on his wall.  Pictures of little kids and babies.  Then, the doctor sat down on a low seat that had roller wheels on it and he rolled over to talk to me.

"You are a nice tall, strong, healthy and beautiful girl!  Mommy told me that sometimes your knees and legs hurt.  Is that right?"

I nodded my head.  (Gosh--this is so vivid, as if I were right back there!)

He reached back to his desk and picked up a picture.  It showed a plate of fried liver and onions.

"Do you like liver?"

I kind of wrinkled up my nose.

"Well, if you eat liver every time  your Mommy makes it for supper...guess what? ...and he reached back for another picture.....you will grow up to be a beautiful lady like this!"

not this picture, but same lady

I had no idea who this lady was, but I remember looking at that picture and smiling as wide as can be.  I was hooked!!!

...and that's how I came to love liver and onions and I didn't grow up to be beautiful like Betty Grable, and now I can't eat it anymore because my blood has TOO much iron, LOL.

Bella and Jean, thanks for commenting about liver and onions and bringing this memory back in full glory!

==============================================

My lilies

The largest picture is of my Lemon Lily that is just starting to bloom.  It is from a root my Mother planted in the early fifties.  I had a huge bush of them at my first home, in 1959.  Every time I moved, I took along a piece.  Not only are they lemon color, they smell like lemons.  

Balisha--thank you for telling me about picmonkey--I have spent the better part of this afternoon making collages of pictures.  I LOVE IT!!!

...and now, the rest of the weather report:  the predicted cold front has come through.  Windows and front door are open to a nice, north/west breeze.  It is now 71 degrees, with a humidity of 34%.  I am one very happy camper!!!

================================

Pearl just called--Dear Lily may be going back to animal control. Pearl feels bad because her older male cat just stays under the bed.  It appears he is afraid of Lily.  Pearl says, "Lily is just a...bully!"

As I have said before, Pearl has no patience.  If the cat doesn't act like she wants it too the minute she brings it home, then it is a "bad cat".  The cat is very affectionate, just what she wanted, but now---Pearl is annoyed that the cat wants to be everywhere she is and has to be "constantly" brushing up against her legs or climbing in her lap.  Oh My--she has Tiger since he was a 6 week old kitten, so she trained him the way she wanted him to be--he is very aloof.  I think the only way she would be happy is to get another innocent kitten--that Tiger would probably terrorize.

So, she will probably take the cat back, get another one, who will be the same way and then what?  She has had 3 other cats in the last 6 years and has given them all away because they didn't "conform".  

Sad.

Obsessiveness

Today's high temperature was: 83 degrees

Today's humidity was:  63%

Sunny--heavy air

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I have an obsessive nature--oh Lordy--I have so many erratic natures.  

I can remember when I was 10-12 years old, I could not eat supper.  When I tried to swallow my food, it felt like a thing closed in my throat and the food wouldn't go down.  My Daddy did not understand--nor did I at that age.  He became very angry.  I was to sit at the table until I had eaten all my supper.  Night after night--he'd go back out to the barn to finish his chores--come in the house around eight o'clock and there I sat.  The cold food congealing on my plate.  He would tell me to eat and go into the living room to watch TV or read his magazine for awhile.  He went to bed at ten o'clock and there I sat.  All the lights in the house were turned off, except the light, over the sink, in the kitchen. My Mother always came in then and told me to go to bed.  To this day, I cannot stand to eat peas--there is nothing more awful then trying to eat cold peas!!!

I had no problem eating lunch at school--it was only supper.  I became even thinner then I already was.  Mother took me to the doctor.  He gave me a liquid iron tonic--OHMYGOSH--it was awful!!  It was thick and black and it tasted like metal.  Also cod liver oil--I actually grew to like it and sometimes, opened the refrigerator, opened the bottle and would take a big drink.  I still think it was that early childhood tonics that have given me such a strong immune system.  Now--I am "allergic" to any food that contains a lot of iron--Vitamin A.  I cannot eat it--not that I don't like it, but my hemoglobin is very close to being dangerously high. It has been years since I have enjoyed a nice big plate of fried liver and onions.  A big handful of raisins.  A nice thick, juicy rare steak.  

Mother took me to the doctor again--unheard of in my family to go to a doctor twice in one year!!!  He said I had a "nervous" stomach.  She was told not to force me to eat foods that I did not like.  She must have told Daddy because I didn't have to sit in a darkened kitchen for four hours after supper anymore.  However, that didn't really help.  As I got older, I realized what the problem was.  The supper table was not a pleasant place for me.  There were very strict table manners imposed.  There were only the three of us sitting around the small table, but I had to ask for everything to be passed to me--no reaching!!! even if the item I wanted was eight inches in front of me.  "May I have a slice of bread, please?"  In my clumsiness, if I happened to tip over my glass of milk--Daddy's hand went up to the rubber hose on a shelf hear the table, or a table knife, held between his thumb and index finger, came down on my knuckles.

My best friend Arlene once told my Daddy, "Charlie, you used to scare me when I ate supper with you guys.  In my large family, it was reach and grab or you might miss out on food.  I was always afraid I would forget at your table and you'd rap my knuckles with that heavy silver table knife!"  He laughed.  She laughed.

It was simple, when I figured it out later in life.  The fear of being slapped, whacked, hit with the rubber hose, every time I sat down to supper, may have caused my lack of appetite?  

YA THINK?

The things we do to our kids when, in our minds, we are trying to bring them up to be polite, responsible people of the world.  Instead, they spend their extra money seeking help from shrinks!!!
===========================================
Off on a tangent I go again--so---I have not been feeling emotionally well for the last few years.  Two years ago, I went off a "mood stabilizer" I had been on for thirty some years.  My primary care doc tried many other types of anti depressants/anti anxiety/anti whatever drugs with no success.  The side effects were devastating to me.  Near seizures, dizziness, loss of balance, vomiting, diarrhea, lack of concentration, on and on.

Last year he told me he would not prescribed anything else until I went to a psychiatrist to find out what drugs would really help.  I refused.  Told him the doc he suggested was a man and I did not have good results going to a male therapist as they can be condescending and don't really understand woman's emotional problems.  I DID however go to a clinical psychologist--for three months--talk therapy.  I'd been through all of that a few other times in my life--it helps for a while.  But she could not prescribe anything for me--not legal for her to do that.

So--I begged and in January, my doc put me on Celexa.  I told him that I thought I needed a combination med--that was what I had before and it seemed to help--for many years, until it became hard to find a pharmacy who carried it.  Once again, he said he wanted me to go to a psychiatrist, who could diagnose and prescribe what I needed.

Lately, I have not been emotionally well.  I recognize the signs.  Staying inside and away from people for days at a time.  No motivation.  Wanting to be alone.  Wanting to stay in bed all day.  Depression.

Other days, being high as a kite, so to speak.  Running around talking to people.  Telling my life story to store cashiers--strangers.  Thinking in my head that I could afford to move--I have no money for that.  Getting up in the middle of the night--ordering all sorts of items online--then getting on-line the next morning to cancel the orders?  Saying and writing outrageous things.  Posting what I thought at the time was a profound thought on Face Book, only to get on the computer at night and deleting it?  Feeling out of control. Mania.

The old nemesis is back!!! 

Over the years, since 1968 I have been diagnosed with:  are you ready?
"nerves"
Anxiety
Inordinate fear
Manic Depression
OCD
Agoraphobia
Ligyrophobia
Panic attacks
PTSD
Depression
GAD

Over the years I have been on these drugs:
Librium
Valium
Elavil
Tri Avil (the one that helped)
Wellbutrin
Ativan
Paxil
Zoloft
Lexapro
Fluoxitine
Prozac
Effexor
Seroquel
Celexa

I have never been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Maybe that's what I have?

=========================================
I have very few years left in my life.  I do not like how I am feeling every single day now.  There is a woman psychiatrist at the same center where I went before.  I am going to call her today and make an appointment.  

I have no idea what "normal" is because I don't feel I have ever BEEN normal.  I remember being melancholy as a young child.  It's normal to me to be a bit weird, different in my thinking.  I would love to just have THAT feeling back--not this confusing, thinking I am going crazy feeling.

The age old question.  Nature or nurture?  Do I have a chemical imbalance--a physical reason for my emotional problems?  Is it because I felt such rejection from my Daddy?  How could something like that still cause me problems?  At this age!

Does the little hurt girl ever grow up?

I hope it's a physical thing--a chemical imbalance--a brain tumor--anything that would explain the feelings--and can be fixed or at least corrected.  I want answers!!!  This time I am going to get them!!!
==================================

Talk about being obsessive--last night I went to bed at midnight--then something occurred to me.  I got up, turned the computer back on and until four thirty this morning, made up a chart of all the diagnosis above and all the drugs I have taken--a nice, neat Excel chart/report that I will hand to the shrink.  

After she sees it, I am sure she will recommend a lobotomy!!
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These kinds of posts are hard to write.  None of us want to admit that something is wrong with us mentally.  Easier, perhaps, to post that you have heart disease or cancer--then all would sympathize.  Harder to write that you are an emotional mess--then all will say, "Yeah--she's nuts!"

The past couple of weeks, even Dar seems quite normal, compared to what's going on in my head!!!!