Obsessiveness

Today's high temperature was: 83 degrees

Today's humidity was:  63%

Sunny--heavy air

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I have an obsessive nature--oh Lordy--I have so many erratic natures.  

I can remember when I was 10-12 years old, I could not eat supper.  When I tried to swallow my food, it felt like a thing closed in my throat and the food wouldn't go down.  My Daddy did not understand--nor did I at that age.  He became very angry.  I was to sit at the table until I had eaten all my supper.  Night after night--he'd go back out to the barn to finish his chores--come in the house around eight o'clock and there I sat.  The cold food congealing on my plate.  He would tell me to eat and go into the living room to watch TV or read his magazine for awhile.  He went to bed at ten o'clock and there I sat.  All the lights in the house were turned off, except the light, over the sink, in the kitchen. My Mother always came in then and told me to go to bed.  To this day, I cannot stand to eat peas--there is nothing more awful then trying to eat cold peas!!!

I had no problem eating lunch at school--it was only supper.  I became even thinner then I already was.  Mother took me to the doctor.  He gave me a liquid iron tonic--OHMYGOSH--it was awful!!  It was thick and black and it tasted like metal.  Also cod liver oil--I actually grew to like it and sometimes, opened the refrigerator, opened the bottle and would take a big drink.  I still think it was that early childhood tonics that have given me such a strong immune system.  Now--I am "allergic" to any food that contains a lot of iron--Vitamin A.  I cannot eat it--not that I don't like it, but my hemoglobin is very close to being dangerously high. It has been years since I have enjoyed a nice big plate of fried liver and onions.  A big handful of raisins.  A nice thick, juicy rare steak.  

Mother took me to the doctor again--unheard of in my family to go to a doctor twice in one year!!!  He said I had a "nervous" stomach.  She was told not to force me to eat foods that I did not like.  She must have told Daddy because I didn't have to sit in a darkened kitchen for four hours after supper anymore.  However, that didn't really help.  As I got older, I realized what the problem was.  The supper table was not a pleasant place for me.  There were very strict table manners imposed.  There were only the three of us sitting around the small table, but I had to ask for everything to be passed to me--no reaching!!! even if the item I wanted was eight inches in front of me.  "May I have a slice of bread, please?"  In my clumsiness, if I happened to tip over my glass of milk--Daddy's hand went up to the rubber hose on a shelf hear the table, or a table knife, held between his thumb and index finger, came down on my knuckles.

My best friend Arlene once told my Daddy, "Charlie, you used to scare me when I ate supper with you guys.  In my large family, it was reach and grab or you might miss out on food.  I was always afraid I would forget at your table and you'd rap my knuckles with that heavy silver table knife!"  He laughed.  She laughed.

It was simple, when I figured it out later in life.  The fear of being slapped, whacked, hit with the rubber hose, every time I sat down to supper, may have caused my lack of appetite?  

YA THINK?

The things we do to our kids when, in our minds, we are trying to bring them up to be polite, responsible people of the world.  Instead, they spend their extra money seeking help from shrinks!!!
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Off on a tangent I go again--so---I have not been feeling emotionally well for the last few years.  Two years ago, I went off a "mood stabilizer" I had been on for thirty some years.  My primary care doc tried many other types of anti depressants/anti anxiety/anti whatever drugs with no success.  The side effects were devastating to me.  Near seizures, dizziness, loss of balance, vomiting, diarrhea, lack of concentration, on and on.

Last year he told me he would not prescribed anything else until I went to a psychiatrist to find out what drugs would really help.  I refused.  Told him the doc he suggested was a man and I did not have good results going to a male therapist as they can be condescending and don't really understand woman's emotional problems.  I DID however go to a clinical psychologist--for three months--talk therapy.  I'd been through all of that a few other times in my life--it helps for a while.  But she could not prescribe anything for me--not legal for her to do that.

So--I begged and in January, my doc put me on Celexa.  I told him that I thought I needed a combination med--that was what I had before and it seemed to help--for many years, until it became hard to find a pharmacy who carried it.  Once again, he said he wanted me to go to a psychiatrist, who could diagnose and prescribe what I needed.

Lately, I have not been emotionally well.  I recognize the signs.  Staying inside and away from people for days at a time.  No motivation.  Wanting to be alone.  Wanting to stay in bed all day.  Depression.

Other days, being high as a kite, so to speak.  Running around talking to people.  Telling my life story to store cashiers--strangers.  Thinking in my head that I could afford to move--I have no money for that.  Getting up in the middle of the night--ordering all sorts of items online--then getting on-line the next morning to cancel the orders?  Saying and writing outrageous things.  Posting what I thought at the time was a profound thought on Face Book, only to get on the computer at night and deleting it?  Feeling out of control. Mania.

The old nemesis is back!!! 

Over the years, since 1968 I have been diagnosed with:  are you ready?
"nerves"
Anxiety
Inordinate fear
Manic Depression
OCD
Agoraphobia
Ligyrophobia
Panic attacks
PTSD
Depression
GAD

Over the years I have been on these drugs:
Librium
Valium
Elavil
Tri Avil (the one that helped)
Wellbutrin
Ativan
Paxil
Zoloft
Lexapro
Fluoxitine
Prozac
Effexor
Seroquel
Celexa

I have never been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Maybe that's what I have?

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I have very few years left in my life.  I do not like how I am feeling every single day now.  There is a woman psychiatrist at the same center where I went before.  I am going to call her today and make an appointment.  

I have no idea what "normal" is because I don't feel I have ever BEEN normal.  I remember being melancholy as a young child.  It's normal to me to be a bit weird, different in my thinking.  I would love to just have THAT feeling back--not this confusing, thinking I am going crazy feeling.

The age old question.  Nature or nurture?  Do I have a chemical imbalance--a physical reason for my emotional problems?  Is it because I felt such rejection from my Daddy?  How could something like that still cause me problems?  At this age!

Does the little hurt girl ever grow up?

I hope it's a physical thing--a chemical imbalance--a brain tumor--anything that would explain the feelings--and can be fixed or at least corrected.  I want answers!!!  This time I am going to get them!!!
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Talk about being obsessive--last night I went to bed at midnight--then something occurred to me.  I got up, turned the computer back on and until four thirty this morning, made up a chart of all the diagnosis above and all the drugs I have taken--a nice, neat Excel chart/report that I will hand to the shrink.  

After she sees it, I am sure she will recommend a lobotomy!!
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These kinds of posts are hard to write.  None of us want to admit that something is wrong with us mentally.  Easier, perhaps, to post that you have heart disease or cancer--then all would sympathize.  Harder to write that you are an emotional mess--then all will say, "Yeah--she's nuts!"

The past couple of weeks, even Dar seems quite normal, compared to what's going on in my head!!!!

What Goes On?

Today's high temperature was:  82 degrees

Today's humidity was:  71%

Egad--I feel like I am living in a sauna!!

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I would sure like to know what goes on while I am asleep.  I must be having nightmares or some unconscious turmoil.  I woke up this morning at 4:00 a.m. in severe pain because I had just bitten hard) the inside of my right cheek.  I rolled over and grabbed a Kleenex and wiped my mouth--all bloody.  GEEZ!!! It was hard to get back to sleep because it hurt, but I didn't have enough consciousness to get up and rinse out my mouth.

Then, a few minutes later, a storm rolled in--I rolled over listened to the hard rain and fell back asleep until 9:15.  The inside of my cheek still hurts and is swollen a bit I guess because I keep accidentally biting it.  

I just felt so foggy headed this morning--stumbling around--trying to feed the cats, get my warm cocoa ready and into my chair in here.  I do believe that there is some sort of something that happens to my mind when I sleep because, when I wake up (usually),it is almost like I don't know what day it is or I can't wake up and get rational for a while.  I swear, sometimes I think I am losing it!!!

So--after about forty-five minutes, I just put on my moc's and walked down to Pearl's.  Merle is angry because the cat woke him up last night--he has to get up at 4:30 to go to work.  Pearl is not happy because the cat is so nervous it just keeps moving, here and there.  She thinks she got the wrong cat because Lily is so thin and she doesn't look AT ALL like this picture. 
 
Her Lily has more of a wedge shaped head--kind of like a Siamese shaped head, and it is very thin compared to this picture--ALTHOUGH--the tag on her cage was the same name--the same birth date--the same information.  She was turned in by an older lady that could not take care of her.  Personally?  I do not think it is the same cat.  

Of course, Lily wants to play with Tiger, who spends most of his time now, under the bed.  I went in, closed the bedroom door, so Lily couldn't get in, and got down on my knees (ouch) to talk to him.  He would not come out, but then--he never has been a very sociable cat.  

I told Pearl to close the bedroom door at night so Lily can't get in.  She said, "But then she will scratch at the door and yowl and that will make Merle even madder."

Pearl wanted an affectionate cat--this cat is it, but I think she is a bit too much for them.  She doesn't even try to nip and she never tries to use her claws--she wants to be on a lap--at least for a few minutes, but she is in constant movement.

They have only had her two days and I assume that Lily is trying to find her comfort zone--after having been in a cage most of the time for the last 3.5 months?  I really don't think they have the patience to let the cat get acclimated to her new home and surroundings.  It took my cats a couple of weeks before they settled down.  I am afraid that if Lily doesn't act according to what they want--she will be returned to animal control or given away to someone.  Too bad too--she is a very loving cat.
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So--after an hour, I felt awake sufficiently enough to come home, get my morning routine done, watched my Soap and went up town to the Rich People's store to get my weekly supply of food.  I am practically turning into a vegetarian--which is so funny because all my life, I have been a beef eater.  Now--I just eat salads and fresh fruit all the time, with a half cheese sandwich at noon and rarely any meat.  Weird.

This is what I got today--a couple of salads that I never even heard of, but am willing to try them.  I picked up a Subway for supper--at least that has a bit of meat in it.  

I have Macaroni/Tuna salad in the front--1#, then Antipasto,

Cobb, Greek, Chicken and fruit, Chef and on the right,

Grape Tomatoes and Mozzarrela Cheese balls.

The total cost was $24.99 and they will last me until next Monday, so--if I bought these every week, that would be $100 a month for food--which is far less then I normally spend.  Of course, it is the bathroom tissue, Kleenex, laundry soap and other stuff that takes up so much of my "grocery" budget.  If I bought the ingredients to make these seven different salads, most of it would end up spoiling and being thrown away because, I wouldn't eat the same salad every day.  I don't know--I feel like it is an extravagance to buy these salads--I feel guilty. 

I just wish that one time---I could buy something I WANT, instead of needed, and not feel quilty!  I should have stayed married to the rich GM employee/retiree.  Well--now--stop and think.  He counted every penny that went out of the house.  He'd yell and carry on if I wanted to buy a skein of yarn to make a present for someone.  I'd have to live from October to May in Florida--missing Christmas here with my family.  He'd be sitting in his chair while I would be running to--"Get me a beer." "No, we aren't watching that on TV."  So many other things!  

NO--he isn't that way with the wife he has now, she does not tolerate his BS, BUT--if he and I were still together, the same routine we started out married life with would still remain.  The way we related to each other would never have changed.  

So--

I will continue to watch what I want on TV, get up and go to bed when I want, have my pets, and, every week--buy myself some nice salads from the Rich People's store.  :-)
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This is the kind of picture you get with a "PhD" (push here dummy) digital camera like I have.

This is the kind of picture you get if you have a really nice one like the lady whose gardens I visited on Saturday. 

Jealous  <sigh>

Another Good Day

The high temperature today was:  82 degrees

The humidity today was 62%

Sprinkles this morning, sun this afternoon, cloudy by 6:00 this evening.

I do a lot better when the humidity is around 35% LOL

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Well--I did it.  Got up at the crack of eight o'clock and even with a tummy ache, I made it to church at 10:30.  And glad I went.  Last week, Pearl said that the sermon was on Construction--we have so much on our local streets right now.  Today, the sermon was on Detours.  All pertaining to things we go through in this life.  BOY--I have had a whole lot of Detours--that's for sure AND a lot of Construction--which is a good thing.  

Then there was a bit about how we are more formed by the Detours in our lives.  Forged by the "fires" we go through.  Certainly true in that respect.  As the minister said this morning, "If you sit in a lawn chair, under a shade tree with a glass of iced tea, you really aren't being tested."  For sure!  Like raw metal, when go through the "fire" is the dross sloughed off us and we become purified and able to be more compassionate, empathetic and helpful to people who are going through their hard times.  

I just thought---Forged stronger, as steel is in the forging process.  (Profound, right?)

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I didn't know how to be a widow.  I could give you all kinds of relationship or divorce advice--how you will feel, how to get through it. But not being a widow.  

For a time, I thought I was going crazy.  It was only finding others, through reading the Widows Speak Up blog and going through the Grief Share sessions did I learn that I was perfectly normal.  Others were feeling the same way--being in that fog that at times can be so crippling--weeping and sobbing all of a sudden--not wanting to be around people.  

Going through hard times is when we grow--or so "they" say.  I would prefer to stay an innocent child actually, but--once you go through something like that--anything else seems like no big deal!  Yes--it is hard watching your parent slip away and die--or a sibling--or my best friend <sigh>. Worse to me would be having a child die.  

Having your nearest loved one die is really horrific!  Usually you have been married to them most of your life.  It is like having a vital part of your body amputated.  You feel off balance.  As Jean said, "Something is always missing."  

You have such pain and it's not phantom pain like after an amputation, it is real pain--not just physical, but even worse--mental and emotional pain.

I remember my daughter Karen asking me last Christmas--"we can't have Christmas Eve at night this year, Mom.  We have to have it in the morning.  Is that going to upset you?"

I replied, "After what I went through last New Year's Day--NOTHING upsets me anymore!"

Kind of true--whatever your worse "fire" has been--anything not as bad, is like--piffle.  The one good thing of it is--if you have come through the worse "fire" of your life--you may be a bit singed and smelling a bit burnt, BUT you came through and you know, if hard times come again--which they of course will--you will get through it and survive!  I seem to have developed a "whatever" attitude and trust me--I never had that attitude before Fred died.

Sometimes it can make you roll your eyes in irritation when you hear others complain about such insignificant ( to you) happenings in their lives, but--you gotta remember--maybe what they are going through is a real "fire" to them?

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger," is so very true.  I don't know who said that, but whomever it was, sure knew what they were talking about.  Must have been through a "fire" of their own.

Okay--I looked it up.  Nietzsche--I should have known.  He had a lot of good quotes.  I always liked Nietzsche--I shouldn't, I think he was an atheistic Nazi, but-----I've always been a reader of different philosophies--even though I am a theist, AND I always get something useful out of them.

Here are some, if you care to look.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/f/friedrich_nietzsche.html

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But--of course, my day could not remain peaceful and quiet--not around here.  

Next door person, Tami, came over all stressed out about a problem that has occurred at least once every two weeks for the last four months!  She rants and raves--paces up and down the living room--flinging her arms and hands in the air--talking very loudly, erratic--good grief.  She and Dar are very much alike--they should be best friends--however, they hate each other. LOL

This time I did not try and reason with her.  I sat in my chair and said NOt ONE WORD--until she got done.  Then I said, "Tami--you go through this every couple of weeks.  I have no answers...I can't help you and I really don't like being included in all your drama."

Not what she expected.  Hey--I've tried to help her with her "fires"--okay?  The woman does not understand the concept of science--where the premise is to put water on a fire--oh no--she has a five gallon can of gas that she uses liberally to keep her pile of junk burning brightly.  You cannot talk to or give helpful elder advice to someone like that.  She's going to have to burn quite a bit before she learns.

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Then I called Pearl to see how their first night with new kitty went.  Not so good.  Apparently kitty wanted to sleep on Pearl's head.  Not too bad--but then if older cat, Tiger, crept out from under the bed, kitty jumped down off the bed and off they ran through the house.  Pearl got hardly any sleep and was a bit cranky on the phone.

Then she said, "I just laid back in my chair to catch a nap and Lily jumped up on my stomach and kneaded me."    So--not one to sympathize--I said, "Well you wanted an affectionate cat and it appears you got your wish."

I think I heard Pearl say something under her breath about where I should go and reside???  Of course, Pearl and I don't take each other seriously, so it's all good :-)

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AND then...there is one more neighbor who likes to grace me with her presence every Sunday afternoon...you know who I mean.

In she comes, cigarette in hand, mopping her face with a Kleenex.

"Boy it feels good in here," she says as she sits down in the rocker--recently vacated by Buddy when he heard her voice.  "It seems too cold though.  Whatcha got your thermostat set on?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I just turned it down a bit because it felt too humid in here.  When it gets to 74, I will turn it back up and put it on hold.  What do you keep yours at?"

"Oh--I don't use my air conditioner.  I have my whole house open.  I can't afford to waste electricity."

So, apparently now--not only am I Dar's confessor, therapist, chauffeur, but I am also owner and operator of her cooling station.  It's okay for ME to WASTE electricity, but not her. Don't you just love it?

However, today Dar is tired--she looked terrible--which I didn't mention because you know, she is 71, but "everyone thinks I am in my fifties."  Yeah--right.

She had to work every day through the weekend.  You know how thrift shopping is now all the rage?  She works at the Salvation Army store down the road.  They were extremely busy, as was she.  

She moaned, "There was a coat that came in.  Absolutely beautiful.  Looked brand new.  It was white fake fur, with white fur around the hood and suede down the front.  It was priced at one hundred fifty dollars, but then, in the afternoon of the fourth, it was put at fifty percent off.  With my discount...I could have gotten is for six dollars!"

I don't know what kind of discount she has, but that price didn't seem to make sense to me--but then I am no math genius and Dar certainly doesn't even know HOW to add, let along figure percentages and all, so.....it may have been an exaggeration.

WHAT Dar exaggerate?

Then---I almost fell out of my chair--she actually asked and seemed interested (for about 10 seconds) on what I had done over the holiday.  So I told her that I went up to The Farm yesterday.

"It just got to me," I said.  "Too noisy around here.  The constant traffic noise from the expressway.  The fire crackers--too many people..I had to get some peace and quiet."

"I know how you always talk about how you'd like to move back there."

"Yes.  I would."

"Oh--I couldn't stand it!  You like being along, but I need people!!  I have to be able to see activity around me--hear people talking--cars moving.  I would just go crazy if I had to spend even one day alone....with no noise?  I couldn't take it."

"Well--there is noise out there." I said.  "There are birds singing and you can hear the breeze moving through the tall maple trees and occasionally a few cars go by.  It's not like the middle of "No Where".  It is restful.  It is peaceful.  It is serene.  AND you can actually see the sun set on the horizon."

"Hm-mm," she says.

But I'd have to say, Dar's visit this afternoon, wasn't too bad.  Not once did she cackle that loud laugh of hers.  Not once did she put her hand, palm outward toward my face in that, "STOP" gesture she uses when I might have said a word when she wasn't ready for me to speak. It wasn't too bad.  

Perhaps if was because I had gone to church and was still feeling nice in my WWJD mode.  Of course tomorrow, that may wear off and I will be back to being my old angry self at her and Tami and proclaim loudly to my cats--"I AM SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!!!"  

Jesus had to deal with Pharisees, but He NEVER had to deal with Tami and Dar or He might have done more then turn over a few money changer's tables!!!  

(That may be a sacrilegious statement--sorry.)
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I saw this posted on Face Book tonight--it brought tears to my eyes.  Madeleine on the left and Susanna on the right.  Maddie is staying this month with her sister, while studying with the Portland Ballet Company.

and this was the status:

"Taking in everything Oregon has to offer with Maddie. I'm not sure I'll ever let her go back to the mitten!"

  

  

Good Day

The high temperature today was: 81 degrees

The humidity was:  61%

Humid--hot in the sun--clouds in late afternoon

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I had to get out of here!!  So--called my sister to see if they were free today and headed out to the country and home.  of course, I wanted to look closer at the Little House on the Corner--you know I did--you know I'd find an excuse to get out there under whatever subterfuge I could come up with.

The drive was nice, as always.  I always go the "back way", through a little town called Oak Grove--population about 150, through Cohoctah, population about 25.  That way I miss all the traffic and construction around the town of Howell.

Map to Home via Map Quest

                                              Map to Home the way I go--it is the same distance

The minute I got away from here and drove through the country, I started feeling better.

My first stop was just west of Byron at "our" cemetery.  Susan told me that the bases had been set for Fred and my markers, so I wanted to stop and see.  The cemetery had recently been mowed and looked really nice.

Fred's spot

My spot, next to my Mother

Looking back at the family plot as I walked toward...

Just north of me--a seven iron shot is...

My best friend and her husband

As I left the cemetery, I decided to drive a mile north to visit a friend of Pammie's.  She has posted pictures on Face Book of her gardens--they did not disappoint.  Gorgeous.  She said it is getting harder to take care of them--she is all of 53.  I told her that I'd check back in 20 years and see how she was doing then. 

They have a beautiful place that slopes back to the Shiawassee River.

Then I took the gravel road toward my sister's so I could come up to The Little House on the Corner from the back.  They have built a garage and what appears to be a storage unit or something.  Maybe it is a kind of family room--that would be nice.

I am parked at the end of Mark's driveway, 

Ah ha--there is a vent pipe, so there must be a bathroom 

in the back, probably a bedroom and bathroom 

Pulled up to the corner for another view.  I see there is a

table and chair set in the side yard--hm-mm, is someone living

there already?

I drove down the road a bit, pull into The Farm and see Chuck out mowing the big yard in the humidity and heat, Susan is tucked inside, in the air conditioning.  I was hot, so it felt good to be inside.

I asked her about the Little House on the Corner, and told her what I was thinking of doing.  "You should contact them and see what their plans are.  There is no realtor's sign up yet."

"I did!!  Would you believe that I woke up the other morning and that was my first thought?  I wrote her a brief note, saying I had heard they had sold their house and wondered what they were going to do with the little house. Do they have new renter's?  It looks like someone is living there."

"Oh, no...well, they are.  They are on vacation now, but their house sold and they can't get into their new one, so they are living there for now."

So we chit chatted for a couple of hours, thinking about how neat it would be if I lived up on the corner.  Then I asked and she showed me her plans for her gardens--so anxious to get to digging, but having to wait for Chuck to have time to bring in some top soil and lay out the formation of the gardens.  

Susan is wanting a Lilac bush hedge west of the house--a fence--she says, "I need a boundary to stop my view from going off into that field and beyond.  I need something to stop my line of vision."

Hm-mm--how different she and I are.  I want unobstructed views of the acres between me and the horizon.  She wants a nice, neat boundary that separates her yard area from the fields beyond.  

They are having a slow down on some things they want to do because--they have run out of money on the renovation project.  They have used all the money they got from the sale of their house and now Susan says, "Here I am again.  House poor!"  

I said, "Well--you could get a home equity loan and use that I suppose."

She said, "I know.  We have thought of that, but...the house is all paid for and we don't want to go in debt again.  I told Chuck that I just wanted to get the gardens done and the couple of trees in NOW, so that I will see the results before I die!!!"

I told her, "Tell Chuck I am anxious too.  I'd like to see it before I die and I don't have many years left!"

She said, "Remember when Daddy planted all those dwarf fruit trees out there?  He was seventy-five and everyone thought he was nuts because he'd never see them bear fruit...."

"But, he enjoyed many years of the pies and the jams from those trees, " I said.

"Yes.  Maybe we will live that long so we can enjoy our labors too."  (she is all of 61).

It would have been helpful if she and I had received our share of our father's estate, five years ago.  It would be helpful NOW, if we knew if the step-mother's will had been probated and IF we are going to get the rest of our Daddy's estate AS THE STEP MOTHER PROMISED. Wouldn't that be nice--I wouldn't have to worry about moving--I could plan on it, but......................the woman is still in control--even from the grave!  

Got home around 5:00, a nice rain shower as I pulled into the drive.  My next Freddy Sweetest Day lily gift is now blooming---

I thought the cats were glad to see me.  I reached down and patted Buddy and apparently he didn't get enough because when I went to stand up, he reached up with his paw and caught me a good one on my finger.  Then Maggie was laying on the floor, tummy up, so I reached over to scratch her tummy and she bit me!!!  GEEZ!!  Maybe I SHOULD move and leave the two cats here for the new owners?

Buddy Claw

Maggie Bite

Walked down to Pearl and Merle's and was introduced to their new little girl cat.  She is the one that Pearl and I had seen at County Animal Control, and was Pearl's first choice because she was born on Pearl's birthday..  She is such a loving cat!!!  Pearl held her and I trimmed her front nails and she didn't object a bit!!!  She is a bit thinner now then in this picture, but she will get better the longer she stays with them.  She so wanted to play with Tiger, their older male cat, but he would have none of it.  She is use to being with a lot of cats, in the open cat room.  Tiger will show her who is boss in the house and they will get along.  He better not try to be too mean because, he is declawed and Lily--has a real nice set of claws--just a bit less sharp when I got done with them, LOL.

They have named her Lily.

I had a really nice day today and when I got home and went on-line to check for the District the Little House on the Corner was, when she was a school, this is what I found.  WOW--my family is on the World Wide Web.  

http://www.byron.org/History/earlyfamWaltz.htm

What If?

Today's temperature was: 82F/27.7C

Today's humidity was: 74%

Sunny

I know that you have read some of my posts on here about wanting to move "back home"...the possibilities, the dream.  Fred and I had the plan, my Daddy approved.  We were going to put a double wide manufactured home, on a basement, with a garage, in the field south of the Big House.  Then Fred had his heart attack and it was better for us to stay near hospitals, doctors, emergency people.

I have been praying about it for the last year, telling God what I would like, asking if it would be prudent, if it would be possible.  If it is in The Plan, to put the knowledge and opportunity in my path.

My daughter Pammie lives on Beard Road (in the house where she was raised).  My son lives on the farm about 1/2 mile west of her, on Beard Road.  My sister lives about 1/8 mile south on Vernon Road. 

Well--guess what? 

The little house on the corner of Beard and Vernon Roads, MAY be for sale.

My great grandfather once owned the land it stands on.  It used to be the school house where my Grandma taught, and where my Daddy went to school until high school.  I used to play in the empty school house when I was a kid.

Mark's farm (where I grew up) is to the top left

Pammie's farm, (where I lived) is under the USA

Susan and Chuck's farm is to the south, that dark square spot is their pond.  As you can see, there aren't any houses

around for acres and acres.

Just the right size for me

I even like the address: 7001 Beard Road

I have lived at 6847 and 7542 Beard Road

The people that own it live just up the road, on the farm west of son Mark's.  I've known them all my life.  They have been renting it out, BUT--on my birthday, my brother-in-law Chuck mentioned to me that the owners are moving. He wondered what they were going to do with the house--which now stands empty because the renters are gone.

Susie said, "Wouldn't that be fun if you lived there?"

Karen said, "Mom, you ought to check into it."

I said, "Oh the traffic on Beard Road is kind of busy...isn't it?  They seem to fly down that road now...don't they?  The house is awfully close to the road...isn't it?"

Susie said, "No, it's not too close to the road.  There isn't that much traffic."

Karen said, "Mom, it's just your size."

I know--they were just talking, but  WHAT IF?

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What really scares me is--it was my first awakening thought this morning, BUT--what if I am going into the manic state of Manic Depression?  I have been depressed.  I have had the feeling that I have something left undone in my life.  I can't figure out what that might be.  I have assumed it was my own death.  I have recently spent a lot of money on-line.  In fact, I ordered something at 3:00 a.m., it seemed like a good idea.  The next morning, when I got up, I immediately got on-line and canceled the order.  Whew! I recognize mania when it walks into my head.

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i was in the house once in 1985.  I know there is the eating area, and living room window facing Beard Road.  The kitchen window faces Mark's (west) and the bedroom window faces east.  I don't know if there is a basement--I think perhaps a half one--like a Michigan cellar.  They have built a garage and some sort of building on the back, so maybe lots of storage?  I think it only has one bedroom--I can't quite remember.  

Yesterday, I was confined to my house--every time I stepped outside, someone set off a Thunder Bomb.  Then, last night at midnight and 1:00 a.m., as I was trying to fall asleep, the next door woman, Tami, who lives between Pearl and me, opened her door and threw out a string of fire crackers, then she went out her back door and did the same on Pearl's side, then we could hear her cackle. AND she knows I have a problem with sharp noises.  Then my sister called this morning to tell me how lovely yesterday was for them.  So quiet and their "fire work" display, was the hundreds of fireflies flickering in the lawn and fields.  

The first thing I thought of this morning was---what if this is a coincidental opportunity?  What if this is a God Whisper?  What if this is meant to be?  What if is something I am thinking of to get out of being bored?  What if it is a manic thought?  Scary!!

I'm too old to do it.  But people my age move all the time.

It's too far from hospitals.  It would be 19 miles from my doctor and dentist.  It takes the ambulance about 20 minutes to get there, instead of the 10 minutes here.  BUT, I am in really good health.  My Daddy lived there until he was 92--the locals have lived there all their lives and they don't seem to have a problem.

Can I afford it?  Therein lies the big problem!!  So I checked out a mortgage calculator to see--if I got a 15 year fixed mortgage, it would cost me $340.00 a month.  My rent here is $357.00

The heat and lights wouldn't be more then here.  I would have to pay for garbage pick-up though.

I wonder what property taxes are on it?  Couldn't possibly be anymore then what I paid when I lived where Pammie lives now.

What about upkeep?  What if it needed a new roof.  I have a new roof here.  I have a new bathroom here.  

I wouldn't be able to have cable or high speed internet.  I would have to get a dish and the kind of hook-up Susan has--it seems to work all right for them.  It wouldn't possibly be anymore then what I pay here for cable, internet, phone.  

I would have to pay more for gas for the car.  I would have to drive a greater distance then here--2.5 miles to Wal-Mart or Meijer, here.  But Susan and I could go shopping together.  I'd ride with her one time, and I'd drive the next.  

I would be farther from my grandchildren--that I rarely see, but within a 1/4 mile either way from two of my kids and my sister .

I could go back to my life-long church--my home town--all the school activities.  Maybe I could even play golf once in awhile on the golf course I started at in 1967.  

I could walk in the woods I use to play in when I was a child.

When I woke in the morning and looked out my bedroom window, there would be no other houses in the way to viewing Pammie's house.  Out the kitchen window, I would look across the acre field and see Mark's.  Looking out my living room window, I would see Susan's house--nothing but fields all around me!

Mark or Chuck would mow my little lawn for me.  I would have room to plant an Eastern Red Bud tree and...PUT IN NEW FLOWER GARDENS!!!

I could sell this place to the park.  I wonder what they'd give me for it.  Probably no more then $8K.  Which would be down payment on the house.

I have a FICO number of 782, so I have good credit.  

I would be only three miles away from the cemetery.

I WOULD BE HOME.

So--not knowing anything--I sat down and wrote a brief note to the owners---just to see.  JUST TO SEE!!!

What do I have to lose?  What might I gain?

HOME--where I could live in peace and quiet for whatever time is left to me. 

I will go very slowly.  I will not ponder on it all the time!  Everything would have to fall into place very easily, for me to know that it was the right thing to do.  

It's up to God and this time....I will not do anything unless and until I talk to many people and see what they think.  This time I won't just "bull" ahead and then be sorry.  

We shall see, but......what if?