Perfect

Today's high temperature was:  73 degrees

Today's humidity was:  39%

Sunny--breezy--Heaven

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Up at eight o'clock.  A nice restful night with the windows open and the cool north-west breeze coming in and "cleaning" the house.  I have a privet hedge outside my bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/living room windows.  It is in full bloom and its scent passes my nose, every now and then.  It is way overgrown also--another big chore on the list, but cannot be trimmed until it is done blooming.  Besides there is a robin's nest in the bush by my bedroom window and I want to make sure she and her babies are gone before I trim.

I walked up to Pearl's this morning and Lily is doing better.  She and Tiger have not had a fit in 24 hours.  Pearl is feeling real guilty however, because Tiger stays under the bed all day.  Pearl feels that she has destroyed his happiness by bringing in another cat--and she probably has.  WHY IN THE WORLD she was so hell bent on getting another cat is beyond me!! It was something she got in her mind and no one could talk her out of it.  She has only had Lily 5 days and already doesn't like her because, "She is such an ugly cat!"

"Didn't you notice that when you visited her in the shelter?"

"Well, the picture I saw of her two months ago was so cute."

"Yes...I mean...when you went to get her...didn't you look at her?"

"Well, they had a sale that day--she was half-priced."

"That's because she is half the cat she was when her picture was taken!"

So--I flat out told Pearl that she CANNOT take Lily back to the animal control because they will kill her.  If she comes to the fact that she doesn't want her, SHE must find a good home for her.  "It is now your responsibility," I said.

The first of the week, she was trying to use Merle as an excuse--telling me that he was going to be furious when he got home because Lily had awakened him in the night.  However, when Merle got home, Lily jumped up on his lap and they took a nap together. So now Pearl can't use the excuse that she has to get rid of the cat because Merle doesn't like her.  HAH!!! 

While I was there, I noticed that Lily is becoming less nervous--less having to stay in motion all the time.  She is becoming quite content now and has started eating some wet food too, so maybe she will gain weight and look like her picture.  I don't know what is going to happen.. It all makes me so sad!!!  Maybe Pearl had a moment of a manic high and thought getting a cat was a good idea--at the time?
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Dar came over to borrow some cooking oil--she is making 150 brownies, or some such number.  I told her she could keep the half bottle I had, as I don't use cooking oil because I don't bake or fry anymore.  I didn't tell her it was purchased by Fred so it is nearly 2 years old!!!  

Then she told me that she wants to "run that business" because it is going down the tubes.  She thinks that around 12 people are going to quit because of the new manager.  "I could get that place in tip top condition in three months!!  There would be changes made that a lot of people wouldn't like--at first--but in the long run, they'd come to like it."

"If you feel that way...why don't you put in for the manager job?"

"Oh--I couldn't take it.  I'm exhausted now--it would kill me!"

She has worked there for five months and she looks terrible!!! Haggard--all of her 71 years and more.  I would expect her to quit any time myself.
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So--I have been stalling, but I gotta write this down because....this is my journal.  

The lady I contacted who owns the Little House On The Corner, called tonight.  They would like to sell it for $100K, it is appraised at $75K.. they owe $96K.

Or--rent it for $750.00 a month.  They would really like to rent it to me--because they know I would take care of it and they have great respect for my father--who hired each of their sons to work for him at one time or another.

We talked for about an hour.  The last person who lived there had it on a land contract with them.  He put on the addition--a large bedroom, new large bathroom, garage and new roof.  He also fixed up the BASEMENT--yes--it has a REFUGE FROM THE STORMS BASEMENT--two small bedrooms, laundry room and furnace room.  They also added another small office to the main floor enlarged and upgraded the kitchen.  The guy that did all that, lost his job and gave them back the key--he wanted nothing for all the additions he had made!  He was packed up and headed to Tennessee and he stopped at their house, handed them the key and walked away.

Then they rented it for the last six months and those people kind of messed it up and couldn't pay their rent.

They are putting in new carpeting, painting and cleaning and putting in a Be-Dry system around the perimeter because there has been a bit of water in the basement lately.  

I am going out to Susan and Chuck's Monday for supper and I will go early so I can stop in and walk through the house.

HOWEVER

  

Unfortunately, I will not be living there.

The rent is twice what I pay here.  I would have to pay for garbage pick-up there, it is free here.  It has no air conditioning, so I would have to buy a window unit.  There are no appliances, but a new furnace. They use propane gas there which is way more expensive then the natural gas I have here.  AND to get that propane tank filled--is very costly--you can't just make monthly payments, I don't think.

I made up an Excel spread sheet tonight, putting in all expenses it costs me to live my life here and what it would cost me to live my life there.  It costs me around 1,500 a month living here.  It would cost me around 1,800 a month to live there--my income is 1,080 a month.  If I am nearly 500 dollars short each month here, how could I possibly be 800 short there and make it?

Wouldn't it be nice if we could be honest and unafraid that someone would take it the wrong way--to call my step sisters, who I have a good relationship with and just say, "Hi Dianne.  Yes or no...do you know if I am in your Mom's will?"

and if she said, "Yes," I would say, "thank you."  and if she said "No", I would say "thank you", but at least I would know--could breathe a sigh of relief and perhaps fulfill a dream.

==========================

So, Monday I will go to the Little House On The Corner, open the garage door and go in.  The back door is never locked.  And I will walk through the house and look at how I would arrange my furniture, and take pictures and look out each window to see what my view would be and maybe, sit on the front porch for a few minutes and just see what it would feel like.  Then...I will cry and get in my car, put my smile on and go down to Susan and Chuck's for a nice supper.

Then, I will drive home after dark (YIKES), come in and greet my purry furry's, look around and be glad that I have what I have and be very happy here AND never think about moving "home" again!!

So there--<sniff>

A Well Behaved Wednesday

Today's high temperature was: 85 degrees

Today's humidity was:  79%

Heat Index:  95 degrees

I called and, as luck wouldn't have it, the woman PhD psych is no longer there.  The owner of the place IS there--the PhD male psych my primary care guy wanted me to go to in the first place, so I made an appointment.  August 23rd!  Do you know how many times I am going to change my mind about going between now and then?  I know other's who have gone to this guy and they say he is great.  He better be!  I have had a bad experience with a couple of male therapists--but at this age, if this guy gives me any guff--I will just get up and leave.  I rather enjoy this new found, "I will not take any shit", attitude I now have in respect to people of authority, whom I used to be very submissive with.

Of course, this morning when I woke up, I wondered, "Now did I make that appointment out of a real need, or was it a manic reaction to feeling...manic?"  Second guess every dang decision I make lately!!  Comes from a long held experience of making decisions which, at the time seemed, "sound, sane and a good idea", that later turned into disasters!!

I do feel a bit better after making the appointment though--more settled into--I WILL once and for all--find out what is going on and what can help.  Perhaps I will find that out.  You never know when you go to a shrink.  Most are into the "talk therapy" and they end up listening while you talk it all out--which you could get the same help from a fence post.  Oh sure, they say, "and how did that make you feel," or "can you tell me a little more about that," which only makes you talk more until you come to your own conclusions.  Remember--most shrinks went into that profession because they were screwed up.  They thought by studying that subject, they would better understand themselves.  So--in reality, they aren't anymore mentally balanced then you are.  In fact, some I have gone too were a whole lot worse emotionally then I was, LOL.

With my last two female therapists, after a month, I ended up being their therapist.  I'd sit down and they would start in about their bad week, or their rebellious kid, or their rotten husband.  I'd give them bits of advice--because I'd "been there, done that", and they'd seem relieved.  Then, we'd chat a bit about how I was doing, and by then, I was doing pretty well realizing how grateful I was NOT to have their problems, LOL.

There was a good therapist I went to at the Mental Health offices in Owosso--when I still lived in Byron--during and after my divorce.  What was her name?  Louise?  She was very helpful. Oh well, that was a quarter of a decade ago, no wonder I can't remember.  Louise.  I think her name was Louise--Simpson.

 However, in that same facility, years before my divorce, I went to a PhD Dr. of Psychiatry who was an absolute idiot!!  At the time I was having problems with my slightly abusive hubby and of course, KNEW it was all my fault, so I was the one who had to get "fixed".  This Dude thought it would be a good idea to put me in group therapy with others.  We had a round table we sat around.  He sat me next to a guy who, every week, went in to great detail to tell me how stupid I was for some of the statements or thoughts I made.  "No wonder your husband slapped you!  He's trying to get it through your head how angry you make him.  I'd slap you too."

Apparently, the Doc thought that I would either get mad enough to stand up to this guy or--I don't know what.  of course, it didn't work with me because I had already been taught not to speak back to a MAN, by my Daddy and certainly not to your husband who, "WORKS ALL DAY IN THE SHOP TO PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD, FOOD ON THE TABLE AND CLOTHES ON YOUR BACK!!"  (even though we lived under the roof I had inherited from my grandma.)

So--after three weeks of this abuse, I called to cancel my group therapy appointment.  Told the young lady that answered the phone that I would not be coming back.  Lo and behold, two hours later the male PhD Doctor of Psychiatry called ME!  He said that I HAD to continue in group to have any good results.  That I needed to learn how to voice my opinion and stand up to my husband--to all men.

I waited until he was done and then said,  "Doctor, I will not be back."

"But, you won't have your break through if you don't learn how to stand up for yourself."

"Doctor, you don't understand.  I won't be back because I don't need to come back.  You have cured me.  I can now stand up to a man....that man is YOU!  I.  Will.  Not.  Be.  Coming.  Back!"  and I hung up the phone.

I never felt so good in my life, LOL.

Of course, I wasn't "cured" and I still didn't stand up to my husband.  After you stand up, get knocked down.  Stand up, get knocked down.  I learned early on--it is just easier to keep quiet, take the yelling and go on about your life.
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About my love of fried liver and onions--I also love chicken livers.

When I was four, my grandmother PAID to take me to a special doctor!!! He was a Pediatrician!!!  A long drive from home--into the BIG CITY!!

I can still remember that visit as if it was yesterday.  I can still see myself--sitting on a potty chair and asking my mother why that wanted my "potty".  Although, it was not difficult for me to pee as, another problem caused by what Mother said was nerves, I always had to pee--my Daddy would get so mad because when we went on a drive, I always had to stop, several times, to pee.

Anyway--there I was in my white cotton under pants, I remember feeling chilly, up on a high table and the nice doctor thumped my knees with a rubber, triangular thingie and it made my leg bounce.  No matter how hard I tried to keep my leg stiff and still, when he tapped my knee with that thing, my leg bounced.  Then he looked in my ears (it tickled) and my nose and I had to open my mouth way wide and say "Ah-hh".

Then I went into another room and laid on a big high wide table and some kind of machine traveled from my head down to my toes.  It didn't hurt--there was a kind of light on it and I watched as it traveled.  They told me it was taking pictures, through my skin and seeing my bones and my insides.  I thought that was pretty cool.  Nowadays, they would just take a blood sample, a urine sample and the doc would call the Momma when the results of the tests came back.

Back then, no needles were involved and---as long as no needles were involved, I was having a good time.

Then I got to put my pretty dress back on and the nurse took us into another room.  There was a nice little chair for me to sit in and Mother on one side of me and Grandma on the other.  The doctor came in and talked to Grandma and Mother.  I was busy looking around at the pictures he had on his wall.  Pictures of little kids and babies.  Then, the doctor sat down on a low seat that had roller wheels on it and he rolled over to talk to me.

"You are a nice tall, strong, healthy and beautiful girl!  Mommy told me that sometimes your knees and legs hurt.  Is that right?"

I nodded my head.  (Gosh--this is so vivid, as if I were right back there!)

He reached back to his desk and picked up a picture.  It showed a plate of fried liver and onions.

"Do you like liver?"

I kind of wrinkled up my nose.

"Well, if you eat liver every time  your Mommy makes it for supper...guess what? ...and he reached back for another picture.....you will grow up to be a beautiful lady like this!"

not this picture, but same lady

I had no idea who this lady was, but I remember looking at that picture and smiling as wide as can be.  I was hooked!!!

...and that's how I came to love liver and onions and I didn't grow up to be beautiful like Betty Grable, and now I can't eat it anymore because my blood has TOO much iron, LOL.

Bella and Jean, thanks for commenting about liver and onions and bringing this memory back in full glory!

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My lilies

The largest picture is of my Lemon Lily that is just starting to bloom.  It is from a root my Mother planted in the early fifties.  I had a huge bush of them at my first home, in 1959.  Every time I moved, I took along a piece.  Not only are they lemon color, they smell like lemons.  

Balisha--thank you for telling me about picmonkey--I have spent the better part of this afternoon making collages of pictures.  I LOVE IT!!!

...and now, the rest of the weather report:  the predicted cold front has come through.  Windows and front door are open to a nice, north/west breeze.  It is now 71 degrees, with a humidity of 34%.  I am one very happy camper!!!

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Pearl just called--Dear Lily may be going back to animal control. Pearl feels bad because her older male cat just stays under the bed.  It appears he is afraid of Lily.  Pearl says, "Lily is just a...bully!"

As I have said before, Pearl has no patience.  If the cat doesn't act like she wants it too the minute she brings it home, then it is a "bad cat".  The cat is very affectionate, just what she wanted, but now---Pearl is annoyed that the cat wants to be everywhere she is and has to be "constantly" brushing up against her legs or climbing in her lap.  Oh My--she has Tiger since he was a 6 week old kitten, so she trained him the way she wanted him to be--he is very aloof.  I think the only way she would be happy is to get another innocent kitten--that Tiger would probably terrorize.

So, she will probably take the cat back, get another one, who will be the same way and then what?  She has had 3 other cats in the last 6 years and has given them all away because they didn't "conform".  

Sad.

Obsessiveness

Today's high temperature was: 83 degrees

Today's humidity was:  63%

Sunny--heavy air

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I have an obsessive nature--oh Lordy--I have so many erratic natures.  

I can remember when I was 10-12 years old, I could not eat supper.  When I tried to swallow my food, it felt like a thing closed in my throat and the food wouldn't go down.  My Daddy did not understand--nor did I at that age.  He became very angry.  I was to sit at the table until I had eaten all my supper.  Night after night--he'd go back out to the barn to finish his chores--come in the house around eight o'clock and there I sat.  The cold food congealing on my plate.  He would tell me to eat and go into the living room to watch TV or read his magazine for awhile.  He went to bed at ten o'clock and there I sat.  All the lights in the house were turned off, except the light, over the sink, in the kitchen. My Mother always came in then and told me to go to bed.  To this day, I cannot stand to eat peas--there is nothing more awful then trying to eat cold peas!!!

I had no problem eating lunch at school--it was only supper.  I became even thinner then I already was.  Mother took me to the doctor.  He gave me a liquid iron tonic--OHMYGOSH--it was awful!!  It was thick and black and it tasted like metal.  Also cod liver oil--I actually grew to like it and sometimes, opened the refrigerator, opened the bottle and would take a big drink.  I still think it was that early childhood tonics that have given me such a strong immune system.  Now--I am "allergic" to any food that contains a lot of iron--Vitamin A.  I cannot eat it--not that I don't like it, but my hemoglobin is very close to being dangerously high. It has been years since I have enjoyed a nice big plate of fried liver and onions.  A big handful of raisins.  A nice thick, juicy rare steak.  

Mother took me to the doctor again--unheard of in my family to go to a doctor twice in one year!!!  He said I had a "nervous" stomach.  She was told not to force me to eat foods that I did not like.  She must have told Daddy because I didn't have to sit in a darkened kitchen for four hours after supper anymore.  However, that didn't really help.  As I got older, I realized what the problem was.  The supper table was not a pleasant place for me.  There were very strict table manners imposed.  There were only the three of us sitting around the small table, but I had to ask for everything to be passed to me--no reaching!!! even if the item I wanted was eight inches in front of me.  "May I have a slice of bread, please?"  In my clumsiness, if I happened to tip over my glass of milk--Daddy's hand went up to the rubber hose on a shelf hear the table, or a table knife, held between his thumb and index finger, came down on my knuckles.

My best friend Arlene once told my Daddy, "Charlie, you used to scare me when I ate supper with you guys.  In my large family, it was reach and grab or you might miss out on food.  I was always afraid I would forget at your table and you'd rap my knuckles with that heavy silver table knife!"  He laughed.  She laughed.

It was simple, when I figured it out later in life.  The fear of being slapped, whacked, hit with the rubber hose, every time I sat down to supper, may have caused my lack of appetite?  

YA THINK?

The things we do to our kids when, in our minds, we are trying to bring them up to be polite, responsible people of the world.  Instead, they spend their extra money seeking help from shrinks!!!
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Off on a tangent I go again--so---I have not been feeling emotionally well for the last few years.  Two years ago, I went off a "mood stabilizer" I had been on for thirty some years.  My primary care doc tried many other types of anti depressants/anti anxiety/anti whatever drugs with no success.  The side effects were devastating to me.  Near seizures, dizziness, loss of balance, vomiting, diarrhea, lack of concentration, on and on.

Last year he told me he would not prescribed anything else until I went to a psychiatrist to find out what drugs would really help.  I refused.  Told him the doc he suggested was a man and I did not have good results going to a male therapist as they can be condescending and don't really understand woman's emotional problems.  I DID however go to a clinical psychologist--for three months--talk therapy.  I'd been through all of that a few other times in my life--it helps for a while.  But she could not prescribe anything for me--not legal for her to do that.

So--I begged and in January, my doc put me on Celexa.  I told him that I thought I needed a combination med--that was what I had before and it seemed to help--for many years, until it became hard to find a pharmacy who carried it.  Once again, he said he wanted me to go to a psychiatrist, who could diagnose and prescribe what I needed.

Lately, I have not been emotionally well.  I recognize the signs.  Staying inside and away from people for days at a time.  No motivation.  Wanting to be alone.  Wanting to stay in bed all day.  Depression.

Other days, being high as a kite, so to speak.  Running around talking to people.  Telling my life story to store cashiers--strangers.  Thinking in my head that I could afford to move--I have no money for that.  Getting up in the middle of the night--ordering all sorts of items online--then getting on-line the next morning to cancel the orders?  Saying and writing outrageous things.  Posting what I thought at the time was a profound thought on Face Book, only to get on the computer at night and deleting it?  Feeling out of control. Mania.

The old nemesis is back!!! 

Over the years, since 1968 I have been diagnosed with:  are you ready?
"nerves"
Anxiety
Inordinate fear
Manic Depression
OCD
Agoraphobia
Ligyrophobia
Panic attacks
PTSD
Depression
GAD

Over the years I have been on these drugs:
Librium
Valium
Elavil
Tri Avil (the one that helped)
Wellbutrin
Ativan
Paxil
Zoloft
Lexapro
Fluoxitine
Prozac
Effexor
Seroquel
Celexa

I have never been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Maybe that's what I have?

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I have very few years left in my life.  I do not like how I am feeling every single day now.  There is a woman psychiatrist at the same center where I went before.  I am going to call her today and make an appointment.  

I have no idea what "normal" is because I don't feel I have ever BEEN normal.  I remember being melancholy as a young child.  It's normal to me to be a bit weird, different in my thinking.  I would love to just have THAT feeling back--not this confusing, thinking I am going crazy feeling.

The age old question.  Nature or nurture?  Do I have a chemical imbalance--a physical reason for my emotional problems?  Is it because I felt such rejection from my Daddy?  How could something like that still cause me problems?  At this age!

Does the little hurt girl ever grow up?

I hope it's a physical thing--a chemical imbalance--a brain tumor--anything that would explain the feelings--and can be fixed or at least corrected.  I want answers!!!  This time I am going to get them!!!
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Talk about being obsessive--last night I went to bed at midnight--then something occurred to me.  I got up, turned the computer back on and until four thirty this morning, made up a chart of all the diagnosis above and all the drugs I have taken--a nice, neat Excel chart/report that I will hand to the shrink.  

After she sees it, I am sure she will recommend a lobotomy!!
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These kinds of posts are hard to write.  None of us want to admit that something is wrong with us mentally.  Easier, perhaps, to post that you have heart disease or cancer--then all would sympathize.  Harder to write that you are an emotional mess--then all will say, "Yeah--she's nuts!"

The past couple of weeks, even Dar seems quite normal, compared to what's going on in my head!!!!

What Goes On?

Today's high temperature was:  82 degrees

Today's humidity was:  71%

Egad--I feel like I am living in a sauna!!

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I would sure like to know what goes on while I am asleep.  I must be having nightmares or some unconscious turmoil.  I woke up this morning at 4:00 a.m. in severe pain because I had just bitten hard) the inside of my right cheek.  I rolled over and grabbed a Kleenex and wiped my mouth--all bloody.  GEEZ!!! It was hard to get back to sleep because it hurt, but I didn't have enough consciousness to get up and rinse out my mouth.

Then, a few minutes later, a storm rolled in--I rolled over listened to the hard rain and fell back asleep until 9:15.  The inside of my cheek still hurts and is swollen a bit I guess because I keep accidentally biting it.  

I just felt so foggy headed this morning--stumbling around--trying to feed the cats, get my warm cocoa ready and into my chair in here.  I do believe that there is some sort of something that happens to my mind when I sleep because, when I wake up (usually),it is almost like I don't know what day it is or I can't wake up and get rational for a while.  I swear, sometimes I think I am losing it!!!

So--after about forty-five minutes, I just put on my moc's and walked down to Pearl's.  Merle is angry because the cat woke him up last night--he has to get up at 4:30 to go to work.  Pearl is not happy because the cat is so nervous it just keeps moving, here and there.  She thinks she got the wrong cat because Lily is so thin and she doesn't look AT ALL like this picture. 
 
Her Lily has more of a wedge shaped head--kind of like a Siamese shaped head, and it is very thin compared to this picture--ALTHOUGH--the tag on her cage was the same name--the same birth date--the same information.  She was turned in by an older lady that could not take care of her.  Personally?  I do not think it is the same cat.  

Of course, Lily wants to play with Tiger, who spends most of his time now, under the bed.  I went in, closed the bedroom door, so Lily couldn't get in, and got down on my knees (ouch) to talk to him.  He would not come out, but then--he never has been a very sociable cat.  

I told Pearl to close the bedroom door at night so Lily can't get in.  She said, "But then she will scratch at the door and yowl and that will make Merle even madder."

Pearl wanted an affectionate cat--this cat is it, but I think she is a bit too much for them.  She doesn't even try to nip and she never tries to use her claws--she wants to be on a lap--at least for a few minutes, but she is in constant movement.

They have only had her two days and I assume that Lily is trying to find her comfort zone--after having been in a cage most of the time for the last 3.5 months?  I really don't think they have the patience to let the cat get acclimated to her new home and surroundings.  It took my cats a couple of weeks before they settled down.  I am afraid that if Lily doesn't act according to what they want--she will be returned to animal control or given away to someone.  Too bad too--she is a very loving cat.
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So--after an hour, I felt awake sufficiently enough to come home, get my morning routine done, watched my Soap and went up town to the Rich People's store to get my weekly supply of food.  I am practically turning into a vegetarian--which is so funny because all my life, I have been a beef eater.  Now--I just eat salads and fresh fruit all the time, with a half cheese sandwich at noon and rarely any meat.  Weird.

This is what I got today--a couple of salads that I never even heard of, but am willing to try them.  I picked up a Subway for supper--at least that has a bit of meat in it.  

I have Macaroni/Tuna salad in the front--1#, then Antipasto,

Cobb, Greek, Chicken and fruit, Chef and on the right,

Grape Tomatoes and Mozzarrela Cheese balls.

The total cost was $24.99 and they will last me until next Monday, so--if I bought these every week, that would be $100 a month for food--which is far less then I normally spend.  Of course, it is the bathroom tissue, Kleenex, laundry soap and other stuff that takes up so much of my "grocery" budget.  If I bought the ingredients to make these seven different salads, most of it would end up spoiling and being thrown away because, I wouldn't eat the same salad every day.  I don't know--I feel like it is an extravagance to buy these salads--I feel guilty. 

I just wish that one time---I could buy something I WANT, instead of needed, and not feel quilty!  I should have stayed married to the rich GM employee/retiree.  Well--now--stop and think.  He counted every penny that went out of the house.  He'd yell and carry on if I wanted to buy a skein of yarn to make a present for someone.  I'd have to live from October to May in Florida--missing Christmas here with my family.  He'd be sitting in his chair while I would be running to--"Get me a beer." "No, we aren't watching that on TV."  So many other things!  

NO--he isn't that way with the wife he has now, she does not tolerate his BS, BUT--if he and I were still together, the same routine we started out married life with would still remain.  The way we related to each other would never have changed.  

So--

I will continue to watch what I want on TV, get up and go to bed when I want, have my pets, and, every week--buy myself some nice salads from the Rich People's store.  :-)
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This is the kind of picture you get with a "PhD" (push here dummy) digital camera like I have.

This is the kind of picture you get if you have a really nice one like the lady whose gardens I visited on Saturday. 

Jealous  <sigh>

Another Good Day

The high temperature today was:  82 degrees

The humidity today was 62%

Sprinkles this morning, sun this afternoon, cloudy by 6:00 this evening.

I do a lot better when the humidity is around 35% LOL

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Well--I did it.  Got up at the crack of eight o'clock and even with a tummy ache, I made it to church at 10:30.  And glad I went.  Last week, Pearl said that the sermon was on Construction--we have so much on our local streets right now.  Today, the sermon was on Detours.  All pertaining to things we go through in this life.  BOY--I have had a whole lot of Detours--that's for sure AND a lot of Construction--which is a good thing.  

Then there was a bit about how we are more formed by the Detours in our lives.  Forged by the "fires" we go through.  Certainly true in that respect.  As the minister said this morning, "If you sit in a lawn chair, under a shade tree with a glass of iced tea, you really aren't being tested."  For sure!  Like raw metal, when go through the "fire" is the dross sloughed off us and we become purified and able to be more compassionate, empathetic and helpful to people who are going through their hard times.  

I just thought---Forged stronger, as steel is in the forging process.  (Profound, right?)

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I didn't know how to be a widow.  I could give you all kinds of relationship or divorce advice--how you will feel, how to get through it. But not being a widow.  

For a time, I thought I was going crazy.  It was only finding others, through reading the Widows Speak Up blog and going through the Grief Share sessions did I learn that I was perfectly normal.  Others were feeling the same way--being in that fog that at times can be so crippling--weeping and sobbing all of a sudden--not wanting to be around people.  

Going through hard times is when we grow--or so "they" say.  I would prefer to stay an innocent child actually, but--once you go through something like that--anything else seems like no big deal!  Yes--it is hard watching your parent slip away and die--or a sibling--or my best friend <sigh>. Worse to me would be having a child die.  

Having your nearest loved one die is really horrific!  Usually you have been married to them most of your life.  It is like having a vital part of your body amputated.  You feel off balance.  As Jean said, "Something is always missing."  

You have such pain and it's not phantom pain like after an amputation, it is real pain--not just physical, but even worse--mental and emotional pain.

I remember my daughter Karen asking me last Christmas--"we can't have Christmas Eve at night this year, Mom.  We have to have it in the morning.  Is that going to upset you?"

I replied, "After what I went through last New Year's Day--NOTHING upsets me anymore!"

Kind of true--whatever your worse "fire" has been--anything not as bad, is like--piffle.  The one good thing of it is--if you have come through the worse "fire" of your life--you may be a bit singed and smelling a bit burnt, BUT you came through and you know, if hard times come again--which they of course will--you will get through it and survive!  I seem to have developed a "whatever" attitude and trust me--I never had that attitude before Fred died.

Sometimes it can make you roll your eyes in irritation when you hear others complain about such insignificant ( to you) happenings in their lives, but--you gotta remember--maybe what they are going through is a real "fire" to them?

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger," is so very true.  I don't know who said that, but whomever it was, sure knew what they were talking about.  Must have been through a "fire" of their own.

Okay--I looked it up.  Nietzsche--I should have known.  He had a lot of good quotes.  I always liked Nietzsche--I shouldn't, I think he was an atheistic Nazi, but-----I've always been a reader of different philosophies--even though I am a theist, AND I always get something useful out of them.

Here are some, if you care to look.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/f/friedrich_nietzsche.html

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But--of course, my day could not remain peaceful and quiet--not around here.  

Next door person, Tami, came over all stressed out about a problem that has occurred at least once every two weeks for the last four months!  She rants and raves--paces up and down the living room--flinging her arms and hands in the air--talking very loudly, erratic--good grief.  She and Dar are very much alike--they should be best friends--however, they hate each other. LOL

This time I did not try and reason with her.  I sat in my chair and said NOt ONE WORD--until she got done.  Then I said, "Tami--you go through this every couple of weeks.  I have no answers...I can't help you and I really don't like being included in all your drama."

Not what she expected.  Hey--I've tried to help her with her "fires"--okay?  The woman does not understand the concept of science--where the premise is to put water on a fire--oh no--she has a five gallon can of gas that she uses liberally to keep her pile of junk burning brightly.  You cannot talk to or give helpful elder advice to someone like that.  She's going to have to burn quite a bit before she learns.

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Then I called Pearl to see how their first night with new kitty went.  Not so good.  Apparently kitty wanted to sleep on Pearl's head.  Not too bad--but then if older cat, Tiger, crept out from under the bed, kitty jumped down off the bed and off they ran through the house.  Pearl got hardly any sleep and was a bit cranky on the phone.

Then she said, "I just laid back in my chair to catch a nap and Lily jumped up on my stomach and kneaded me."    So--not one to sympathize--I said, "Well you wanted an affectionate cat and it appears you got your wish."

I think I heard Pearl say something under her breath about where I should go and reside???  Of course, Pearl and I don't take each other seriously, so it's all good :-)

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AND then...there is one more neighbor who likes to grace me with her presence every Sunday afternoon...you know who I mean.

In she comes, cigarette in hand, mopping her face with a Kleenex.

"Boy it feels good in here," she says as she sits down in the rocker--recently vacated by Buddy when he heard her voice.  "It seems too cold though.  Whatcha got your thermostat set on?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I just turned it down a bit because it felt too humid in here.  When it gets to 74, I will turn it back up and put it on hold.  What do you keep yours at?"

"Oh--I don't use my air conditioner.  I have my whole house open.  I can't afford to waste electricity."

So, apparently now--not only am I Dar's confessor, therapist, chauffeur, but I am also owner and operator of her cooling station.  It's okay for ME to WASTE electricity, but not her. Don't you just love it?

However, today Dar is tired--she looked terrible--which I didn't mention because you know, she is 71, but "everyone thinks I am in my fifties."  Yeah--right.

She had to work every day through the weekend.  You know how thrift shopping is now all the rage?  She works at the Salvation Army store down the road.  They were extremely busy, as was she.  

She moaned, "There was a coat that came in.  Absolutely beautiful.  Looked brand new.  It was white fake fur, with white fur around the hood and suede down the front.  It was priced at one hundred fifty dollars, but then, in the afternoon of the fourth, it was put at fifty percent off.  With my discount...I could have gotten is for six dollars!"

I don't know what kind of discount she has, but that price didn't seem to make sense to me--but then I am no math genius and Dar certainly doesn't even know HOW to add, let along figure percentages and all, so.....it may have been an exaggeration.

WHAT Dar exaggerate?

Then---I almost fell out of my chair--she actually asked and seemed interested (for about 10 seconds) on what I had done over the holiday.  So I told her that I went up to The Farm yesterday.

"It just got to me," I said.  "Too noisy around here.  The constant traffic noise from the expressway.  The fire crackers--too many people..I had to get some peace and quiet."

"I know how you always talk about how you'd like to move back there."

"Yes.  I would."

"Oh--I couldn't stand it!  You like being along, but I need people!!  I have to be able to see activity around me--hear people talking--cars moving.  I would just go crazy if I had to spend even one day alone....with no noise?  I couldn't take it."

"Well--there is noise out there." I said.  "There are birds singing and you can hear the breeze moving through the tall maple trees and occasionally a few cars go by.  It's not like the middle of "No Where".  It is restful.  It is peaceful.  It is serene.  AND you can actually see the sun set on the horizon."

"Hm-mm," she says.

But I'd have to say, Dar's visit this afternoon, wasn't too bad.  Not once did she cackle that loud laugh of hers.  Not once did she put her hand, palm outward toward my face in that, "STOP" gesture she uses when I might have said a word when she wasn't ready for me to speak. It wasn't too bad.  

Perhaps if was because I had gone to church and was still feeling nice in my WWJD mode.  Of course tomorrow, that may wear off and I will be back to being my old angry self at her and Tami and proclaim loudly to my cats--"I AM SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!!!"  

Jesus had to deal with Pharisees, but He NEVER had to deal with Tami and Dar or He might have done more then turn over a few money changer's tables!!!  

(That may be a sacrilegious statement--sorry.)
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I saw this posted on Face Book tonight--it brought tears to my eyes.  Madeleine on the left and Susanna on the right.  Maddie is staying this month with her sister, while studying with the Portland Ballet Company.

and this was the status:

"Taking in everything Oregon has to offer with Maddie. I'm not sure I'll ever let her go back to the mitten!"

  

  

Good Day

The high temperature today was: 81 degrees

The humidity was:  61%

Humid--hot in the sun--clouds in late afternoon

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I had to get out of here!!  So--called my sister to see if they were free today and headed out to the country and home.  of course, I wanted to look closer at the Little House on the Corner--you know I did--you know I'd find an excuse to get out there under whatever subterfuge I could come up with.

The drive was nice, as always.  I always go the "back way", through a little town called Oak Grove--population about 150, through Cohoctah, population about 25.  That way I miss all the traffic and construction around the town of Howell.

Map to Home via Map Quest

                                              Map to Home the way I go--it is the same distance

The minute I got away from here and drove through the country, I started feeling better.

My first stop was just west of Byron at "our" cemetery.  Susan told me that the bases had been set for Fred and my markers, so I wanted to stop and see.  The cemetery had recently been mowed and looked really nice.

Fred's spot

My spot, next to my Mother

Looking back at the family plot as I walked toward...

Just north of me--a seven iron shot is...

My best friend and her husband

As I left the cemetery, I decided to drive a mile north to visit a friend of Pammie's.  She has posted pictures on Face Book of her gardens--they did not disappoint.  Gorgeous.  She said it is getting harder to take care of them--she is all of 53.  I told her that I'd check back in 20 years and see how she was doing then. 

They have a beautiful place that slopes back to the Shiawassee River.

Then I took the gravel road toward my sister's so I could come up to The Little House on the Corner from the back.  They have built a garage and what appears to be a storage unit or something.  Maybe it is a kind of family room--that would be nice.

I am parked at the end of Mark's driveway, 

Ah ha--there is a vent pipe, so there must be a bathroom 

in the back, probably a bedroom and bathroom 

Pulled up to the corner for another view.  I see there is a

table and chair set in the side yard--hm-mm, is someone living

there already?

I drove down the road a bit, pull into The Farm and see Chuck out mowing the big yard in the humidity and heat, Susan is tucked inside, in the air conditioning.  I was hot, so it felt good to be inside.

I asked her about the Little House on the Corner, and told her what I was thinking of doing.  "You should contact them and see what their plans are.  There is no realtor's sign up yet."

"I did!!  Would you believe that I woke up the other morning and that was my first thought?  I wrote her a brief note, saying I had heard they had sold their house and wondered what they were going to do with the little house. Do they have new renter's?  It looks like someone is living there."

"Oh, no...well, they are.  They are on vacation now, but their house sold and they can't get into their new one, so they are living there for now."

So we chit chatted for a couple of hours, thinking about how neat it would be if I lived up on the corner.  Then I asked and she showed me her plans for her gardens--so anxious to get to digging, but having to wait for Chuck to have time to bring in some top soil and lay out the formation of the gardens.  

Susan is wanting a Lilac bush hedge west of the house--a fence--she says, "I need a boundary to stop my view from going off into that field and beyond.  I need something to stop my line of vision."

Hm-mm--how different she and I are.  I want unobstructed views of the acres between me and the horizon.  She wants a nice, neat boundary that separates her yard area from the fields beyond.  

They are having a slow down on some things they want to do because--they have run out of money on the renovation project.  They have used all the money they got from the sale of their house and now Susan says, "Here I am again.  House poor!"  

I said, "Well--you could get a home equity loan and use that I suppose."

She said, "I know.  We have thought of that, but...the house is all paid for and we don't want to go in debt again.  I told Chuck that I just wanted to get the gardens done and the couple of trees in NOW, so that I will see the results before I die!!!"

I told her, "Tell Chuck I am anxious too.  I'd like to see it before I die and I don't have many years left!"

She said, "Remember when Daddy planted all those dwarf fruit trees out there?  He was seventy-five and everyone thought he was nuts because he'd never see them bear fruit...."

"But, he enjoyed many years of the pies and the jams from those trees, " I said.

"Yes.  Maybe we will live that long so we can enjoy our labors too."  (she is all of 61).

It would have been helpful if she and I had received our share of our father's estate, five years ago.  It would be helpful NOW, if we knew if the step-mother's will had been probated and IF we are going to get the rest of our Daddy's estate AS THE STEP MOTHER PROMISED. Wouldn't that be nice--I wouldn't have to worry about moving--I could plan on it, but......................the woman is still in control--even from the grave!  

Got home around 5:00, a nice rain shower as I pulled into the drive.  My next Freddy Sweetest Day lily gift is now blooming---

I thought the cats were glad to see me.  I reached down and patted Buddy and apparently he didn't get enough because when I went to stand up, he reached up with his paw and caught me a good one on my finger.  Then Maggie was laying on the floor, tummy up, so I reached over to scratch her tummy and she bit me!!!  GEEZ!!  Maybe I SHOULD move and leave the two cats here for the new owners?

Buddy Claw

Maggie Bite

Walked down to Pearl and Merle's and was introduced to their new little girl cat.  She is the one that Pearl and I had seen at County Animal Control, and was Pearl's first choice because she was born on Pearl's birthday..  She is such a loving cat!!!  Pearl held her and I trimmed her front nails and she didn't object a bit!!!  She is a bit thinner now then in this picture, but she will get better the longer she stays with them.  She so wanted to play with Tiger, their older male cat, but he would have none of it.  She is use to being with a lot of cats, in the open cat room.  Tiger will show her who is boss in the house and they will get along.  He better not try to be too mean because, he is declawed and Lily--has a real nice set of claws--just a bit less sharp when I got done with them, LOL.

They have named her Lily.

I had a really nice day today and when I got home and went on-line to check for the District the Little House on the Corner was, when she was a school, this is what I found.  WOW--my family is on the World Wide Web.  

http://www.byron.org/History/earlyfamWaltz.htm