Onward to Christmas.......'

Our Thanksgiving was calm and nice.  Any political talk was pleasant as all four of us voted for the same Party.  After lunch--Susan does not serve turkey, we had baked chicken, we all adjourned into the living room to watch the football game and conversation came to a halt.  Each of them pulled out their mobile devices and started playing games.  I sat there like a lump.  No conversation was possible.

Finally at 3:00 I used the excuse that I wanted to stop in and visit Pammie and got out of there.  I have my own biases about these damned mobile devices, smart phones and that sort of thing--very rude, in my opinion to get involved with them when it is a family gathering--especially a small family gathering and one of the four has no such device.

So I stopped in to see Pam and we had a great hour long conversation--talking-using real words.  Amazing that one can still do that.

I got home around 5:00--perfect.
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Friday morning Karen called and she and Maddie dropped in and brought me some left-over turkey.  YAY!!  I don't really like turkey (or chicken), but I do like a nice thick turkey sandwich, with a couple of bread and butter pickles tucked in between the bread, spread with a combo of Miracle Whip and Horseradish.

Then I started hauling out boxes from my bedroom closet to get ready to decorate for Christmas.  I did get the Nativities up and the angels and Santa's, then pooped out.

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Saturday I hauled the heavy Christmas tree box out of my closet and did 7 loads of laundry and watched college football games and cross stitched all afternoon.  Ohio State beat the University of Michigan, which tickled me pink.  Michigan State of course lost to Penn State.  I am really glad Michigan State's football season is over!
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Sunday, I did get the tree into an upright position and it seemed easier this year, then when I last did it 2 years ago.  

I also got the outside lights and my front window lighted thingies on timers and ready to go.

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Today, I worked much of the morning on Christmas cards.  I create and print special ones for each kid, grand kids and sister.  Then I create and print general ones for everyone else, and Christmas letters for those people I don't see during the year.  

This afternoon, I had to run down to the print shop to get another small genealogy book punched and coiled and then on up to Walmart to pick up a prescription and ON SALE Diet Pepsi.  

It was cold and rainy and windy and not a whole lot of fun going to and from the store, but I did manage to find two people to help and made three others smile.  When I got home, it was still nasty, so I just left everything in the car trunk and will haul it in tomorrow, when it is supposed to be dry and 53 degrees!!

I haven't decorated my tree as yet, because I am waiting for two "name" balls I ordered.  One for my new grandson, Mike and one for Baby Della.  I have glass balls with all the kids & grand kids names on them and I like to group the families together.
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After 6 attempts, I finally got a phone call through to the Michigan Medigap Insurance Subsidy people.  It took 90 minutes to finally get someone to answer.  I had sign-up for and sent in all my proofs and October 8th and was worried, as I have heard nothing.  Most of us here in Michigan have Blue Cross insurance and the rates went up about 3.5 times what we have been playing.  Mine went from $40.42 for the last 10 years, up to $146.00.  Hopefully the subsidy will help, but still my insurance will be higher next year.  ARGGH!!!

This baby girl is only one month old.  I think she looks a lot older.

...and so it begins.........

Toting out the Christmas storage boxes-----------

Kinda sad................

It will be kinda sad tomorrow--of course, no one will mention it because my family tends to ignore the Elephant in the Room, but.......

The reason my nephew is coming to the farm is because he now lives alone in his own apartment--for the first time in 18 years.

His oldest child, a son, is autistic.  A high level learning form of autism, call Asperger's.  My nephew's wife tends to coddle all 3 of the children.  There are no rules, just do your own thing.  If the girls don't brush their hair, they look disheveled all day long.  If they wear mis-matched clothes, that is their privilege--the girls are 11 and 9.  It's been this way since they were little.  The middle girl has long, curly red hair.  It is always in nests and knots.

We have always thought the wife a bit strange.  She rarely speaks, unless asked a direct question.  I'm not saying she is stupid because she isn't.  She works from home for our State government and is very intelligent, makes a lot of money, but............well for example--I had a wedding shower for her.  When she opened the gifts, she would open one end of the paper, look inside to see what the gift was and pass it on for the next gift.  No thank you to the gift giver, no comment.

I remember one day, Fred and I were visiting my Dad and nephew and his family were there.  Fred was outside walking the dog back in one of the fields.  Nephew's son wanted to go outside and play, but his mother said to him, "You can't.  You have allergies to dogs and cats and the dog is out there."

So the kid started whining and I said, "It will be all right.  Fred and the dog are way far away in the field.  They won't come near you. You want me to take you out and play?"  

His mom said, "Dog dander can carry on the wind.  He has to stay inside."

So the son cried while she held him on her lap and patted his back.

Wait.  What?  Fred and the dog were like 1/8 of a mile away!

It was revealed the next year that the boy had NO allergies to animals or anything for that matter.  The Mom used that excuse because the kids wanted a pet and she didn't.  So she played it up to the boy that he was ill when he really wasn't.
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So early this summer, the son, now 16 has decided he hates his Dad, so.........Dad had to move out.  This upset his two daughter's a lot.  He gets to take them every weekend, but he is not allowed into the house--which of course he is paying maintenance on--because it might upset the son.

We all chipped in to help my nephew set up his place.  I gave him my brand new vacuum cleaner that I had only used twice because it was too hard for me to push and pull.  Susan and Chuck got new furniture and gave him theirs--which was 5 years old.  My kids gave him extra dishes and towels and stuff like that and Jennifer, set up his legal "separate maintenance agreement", so he wouldn't have to pay an attorney.

He thought he was having his girls for Thanksgiving and wanted Susan and Chuck to come up to his apartment, but last Friday, his wife announced that she and the kids were going to her parents on Thanksgiving Day.  

This whole situation ticks me off!  Number One, since when does a kid dictate that his parent has to move out of the house?  Number Two, my nephew has always been loving and kind to his only son, it's not like he ridicules him or is strict with him.  Number Three, I'd just like to slap his wife up side her head!
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Last week, when I visited Susan, we talked and laughed about what would have happened if WE had told our Daddy he had to leave.  He was mean to us and we both wanted our Mother to leave him and take us to live in some nice little house in town.

"Can you even imagine?" I said.  "If we were able to get up off the floor after he beat us............."

"We'd have to go live in the barn the rest of our lives," Susan chimed in.

I had problems concentrating when I was a kid.  My Dad's way of solving that was to slap me on the left side of my head and say, "Wake up!"

My sister took piano lessons and was very good.  When Daddy walked in the house, all piano playing stopped.  "Can't stand that dang racket!" he'd say.

I had to practice my French Horn, sitting on a bale of straw out in the cold barn.  "Don't play that in the house.  Sounds like a dying moose!"
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So anyway, tomorrow we will eat and laugh and play a board game and have a great time, and I will hug my nephew very tightly, but I won't ask him how he is doing or anything like that.

We will push the Elephant over into the corner, throw a sheet over it and pretend everything is fine.  

That's the way we are.  No one is allowed to show any emotion other than happy smiles--sad isn't it?

53 years ago---

There was not one mention on the NBC national news tonight that this is the 53rd anniversary of President Kennedy's assassination.    I guess mentioning such anniversaries has to end at some time.  If we had a national day of notice/mourning for every tragedy that occurred in our life time, every day would be a sad day of remembrance.  Eh?

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My nephew called my sister and asked if he could come down to The Farm for Thanksgiving, instead of them going there.  So this Thursday, I will be driving up to The Farm, with the  little wooden pilgrim figures my Mother always had on our Thanksgiving table, for the center piece of their table, and enjoying the day with my sister, Chuck and Adam, her son.

It will be quiet and nice.

Pilgrimage home................

I have been having IBS lately, like I had in July and it went away--it's back.  I left here yesterday at 10:00 and at 10:20--20 minutes away from The Farm, the cramps hit.  I must admit, the last 4 miles I was going 70 mph, which is not a smart thing to do on a country road during white tail deer hunting season.  Deer are on the move then and could leap out in front of a car at anytime.

I flew into Pam's drive, she came to the door, and I flew past her to the bathroom.
"Momma?  Are you all right?"
"I will be now."
Thankfully she was home and awake and not in her bathroom!
We chatted for half an hour, while I relaxed and waited for my gut to settle down.
"What are you doing today?" she asked.
"Going up to Aunt Susie's for lunch.  I've been real lonely and just needed to come home and get a hug."
So, she hugged me and said, "I love you, Momma."

Then, up the road and I noticed my son Mark's truck was in his drive.  So, I drove up to see him.  He had just climbed down off the roof from cleaning out the gutters.  He was bent over in severe pain in his back.  I walked up to him and hugged him.

"I'm so sorry you are in such pain, Honey."

Then, he started in.  Scared me, almost.  Shocked me, totally.  He was raging with anger and frustration.  It wasn't like he used a cuss word every other word, it was he used a cuss word every word.  On and on.  His words hit me like a smash in the head.  I know I stepped back in recoil.  I haven't heard words like that in 30 years--haven't heard anger and rage like that--ever!

He couldn't get anyone to clean out the gutters.  He couldn't get anyone to come and clean and restain his deck.  He couldn't get anyone to put a load of gravel in his driveway.  Different ones said they would, but they never showed up.  He called and called and they said, "Yes", but never showed up.

"Every ****************************************************one of them, friends, yeah ***********************************friends. ****************************never showed up!  **********************************************all of them."

I stood there. hands in my pockets, huddled, hunched over in my coat.  I thought to myself, "At least he hasn't taken the Lord's name in vain, but......................."

I stepped up in front of him, "Mark...I really need a hug from you.  I've been sad and lonely and I just drove out here to feel at home again and I need a hug from you."  He wrapped his arms around me, I nestled into his chest and oh....it felt so wonderful to get a hug from this 6'2" strong man.  

Then I noticed--"Your hair has grown back in curly.  Just like when you were a little boy."
"Well, I'm never going to *******************************chemotherapy again.  ****************************almost killed me."

This is the first time he has mentioned that he has cancer--to me anyway--and the first time I have acknowledged it to him.

"Are you still getting you infusions?"

"Yeah. *************************** doctors."

"Well, I've got to get down to Aunt Susie's.  They are expecting me for lunch."

"I'm heading that way too.  Gotta get this ******************** ladder back in the barn."

So he headed down the driveway and I followed and when he drove up near the barn, I followed, got out of my car and said, "Let me help you carry that thing in."

"Naw, Ma...I don't want you to hurt your back."

"Hey--I can carry one end and you the other and it will be easier."

"It's aluminum--it's pretty light.  I can get the ****** put back."

"Okay.  I love you, Mark", and I pulled back onto the road and up the drive to the house.
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I was still shaking when Susie met me at the back door.

"Are you okay?"

So I told her about my pit stop at Pammie's and what happened with Mark.

"Oh Suz.  He is such a lost soul!"

"Jennifer was here last week working.  On Friday night, she came out to visit Mark and Cindy.  At 7:00, on the spur of the moment she called us to come up for a visit.  Mark seemed in really good spirits.  I know he is on some powerful pain meds and has started drinking beer again.  He is in an awful lot of severe pain."

"Maybe I just got him at a really bad time.  I have never, in his entire life, seen him like that! It struck me, where is that sweet nine year old who wanted to be a minister?'"

So Susan. Chuck and I had a nice salad lunch.  I didn't mention Mark to Chuck and neither did Susan.  Then we all played a game and I headed home.  


I had enough time to drive on over to the family plot at the cemetery on the way home.  Walked around talking to my ancestor's.  Ended up crying over my Mother's grave, Mark absolutely adored her and he changed when she died so young.  Brushed off my own marker--ready for me.

I moved the cement dog statue on Fred's stone, told him I wished more than anything that he were here, because he would make it ALL better.  He had a way of doing that.

Then, I strolled on over, about 150 steps to my BFF's grave.  I heard her voice as plain as day, "If I can't fix it with my own two hands, I give the control up to God and quit worrying."  That was her motto all her adult life--even her last 4 years fighting ovarian cancer.  I patted her marker and walked back to my car.

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I stopped on the way home at the new Culver's drive through.  Ordered  up a double butter burger deluxe and a small order of fries.  Came home, sat in my recliner and ate my supper in the dark.

I went to bed kind of early and prayed that God would help Mark and dim the horrid words he yelled, out of my mind.

A pilgrimage is not always easy.  For all of the day's events, I DID feel better--just being in the quietness of the fields and tree lined country roads.  I almost wished I had not gone to Mark's but perhaps I allowed him to vent and perhaps my hugs helped him too.

Now--it is onward and upward.  Ever forward into the holiday season--taking it all in stride, grateful for what time I might get with my family.  So very thankful I can still go home again and walk through homes and yards that are familiar to me.

My sister told me I HAD to decorate this year and when I asked, "Why?  No one will visit to see it."  She shook her finger at me and replied,  "You do it just for YOU!"

I will, but what she and most don't understand, sometimes a brightly lit Christmas tree and decorated house just makes it feel even more lonely.

Thursday

Happy 3 weeks old, Della.  Auntie Madeleine is trying to make you into a ballerina.

The underlying anger, depression, loneliness, tears remain so---I am going "home", up to the Farms, to feel and connect to my roots.  I need to get centered again and that will do it.

I'll be fine........

#1.  I would never take my own life.  It's against my religion.  I am pro-life and that means any beating heart should not be stopped by any means, other than God's.

#2.  This time of year is a lonely time for me.  If Fred where still with me, I would make "Turkey dinner for Two," and we'd have our very own Christmas morning together.

#3.  I would never ask my daughter or sister to make a 25 or a 50 mile round-trip to come pick me up and bring me home and I can't leave my cats alone all night.  They get wet food at 8:00 at night and 8:00 in the morning.

#4.  The time change with the early darkness and the Super Moon have made me a bit depressed and looney.

#5.  I'll be fine.