I'm Living A Soap Opera!!!

I used to have such a wonderful, loving family.  I was adored by my great grandparents, grand parents and parents--well my mother at least.  Although I do have pictures, when I was little, of my Daddy holding me and smiling.  All of us saw each other almost every day--taking many meals together.  After my children were born, nothing changed.  Our families, got together every week or weekend.  We were very close, loving and affectionate, and supportive.

What happened?

I have blamed myself for these last thirty years, because of the divorce.  If my ex and I were still together, we would still be hosting Christmas Eve with the whole family.  We would still be having get together's in the summer months.  The kids would come to visit us--together.

But then I thought, none of the kids were devastated by our divorce.  Jennifer was the only kid at home, at 14, and she and her Dad never got along.  Mark, Pam and Karen were off on their own.

Susan and I talked about this on Sunday.  We both came to the same conclusion--"if Mother hadn't died."  "If the mean Daddy had died, instead of Mother.  How different everything would have been."  "If the step-mother hadn't entered the family and started playing all of us off against each other."

She did it with my sister and I, with Jennifer and I, with my kids against each other.  Telling things like, "You will never guess what your mother has done now."  Or, "You will never guess what your sister said about you," or "what your brother did, or sister........" on and on for 38 years.

Susan sees it in how her son treats her.  I see it in how my kids treat me.

It is awful and we both looked heavenward and told our Mother, "Why did YOU leave us?"  and then contemplated going to the Byron cemetery and peeing on the step-mother's grave!
<good idea, Beth?>
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On a lighter and to me, amusing topic, Melissa Gilbert--Laura of Little House--is running for Congress in the District where I live.  She owes some $360,000.00 to the IRS in back taxes.  Sounds like the perfect candidate--right?  It doesn't really matter.  She doesn't have a chance in this Republican District.  

Her French Bulldog DOES have a professional stylist--I suppose that might help.  She can use her in campaign photos.  She recently had her cheek and breasts implants removed--that also might help.  AND, she just bought a HUGE home outside the town of Howell.  Apparently owing the IRS, raised her credit rating?

http://www.msn.com/en-us/tv/news/actress-melissa-gilbert-to-run-for-congress-in-michigan/ar-BBlCQL1?ocid=ansentap11
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On a still lighter note:

Pearl came down last night for a visit.  We were talking about this and that and then she said,

"Merle and I went to the movies on Sunday."

"Oh.  What did you see?"

"It was called 'Train Wreck' ."

"I heard that was good.  Did you like it?"

"Not really.  We thought it was going to be about a run away train, or something, but it wasn't."

I started giggling and then, couldn't hold back, and let out with  huge, loud laughter.  She just looked at me.

I said, "It's not about a train getting wrecked.  Nowadays, the term train wreck, means when someone's life is a disaster.  Like, 'My life is a train wreck right now.' "

"Oh.  There wasn't a single train in the whole movie.   Well, once they were on the....oh..you know.  That train that runs underground."

"You mean a subway?"

"Yes...that's it."

"You didn't check out what the movie was about before you went?"

"Well, yes!  We saw the title and thought it would be a movie like that one years ago.  Oh what is the name.............where the bus is out of control....with that cute actress in it..............."

"You mean 'Speed'?"

"Yeah.  That one."
<Oh. My. Gosh!>
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Look who came for a porch chat this morning.

 Maisey, leading her human, John.








and, when it was time to leave, she laid at the bottom of the steps and would not move.

John said, "I'll bring her pajamas with us, when we walk tonight, and she can have a sleep-over with the cats."
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Where shall we walk today?

Out the front door, back along my west side lawn to the shed and out to the other street.  

The Rose of Sharon to the right of my shed, needs cutting down.  Most of it is dead. 

Zinnia's finally coming on and my experiment with a Sunflower

 If I turn my back to my shed, there is John's house on Gulfstream Drive.

Out to Gulfstream, turn right and up a bit to Cypress Way. 

, the street behind me.

On the way back, I cut through an empty lot to come up to the back of my place.

These Privet bushes used to look like this:

 When I moved in. 

Then like this after I trimmed them.

Then, the winter of 2013, just about killed them. 

Then, Spring of 2014, I had my BIL come down and cut the bushes down to the ground and, they looked like this.

.

















And, now they are all coming back, fuller and healthier than they have ever been.

It Was A Nice Day--Kinda.

 I went up to Byron yesterday to see Pam on her birthday and to visit my sister.

Mark and Pam had gone out to lunch for her birthday, along with Jennifer and their Dad. Pam told me they'd be back around 2:00, she would drop Mark off at his house and then be at her place.

I decided to sit up at Mark's so I would be there when they arrived, so I could see him.

It was quite lovely actually.  I parked my car under the shade of a big Maple tree, opened two doors on my car to catch the breeze coming through and thought and thought about the years I grew up there.  They got home at 3:00.

I got to give Mark a hug and a kiss and hand him his picture collage I had made for him--photo above.  The picture of me and him at 5 days, was printed on the back.  I told him I was making one for each of "you kids" and thought, as long as I was in the area, I'd dropped his off too.

He really liked it and gave me a big hug.

He was having a terrible back ache--he has two discs missing in his back, and had to get inside to rest.  He looks great.  Tall and strong and healthy looking as ever.
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Apparently quite a few people in the small community know, the secret I couldn't talk about on here, but now can.  Mark has prostate cancer.  Plus he has tumors on his spine, at the base of his skull and his pelvis.

He got the first diagnosis in May.  He was going to have his prostate removed, late May, and then tell everyone afterwards.  Well no, he wouldn't tell everyone, he would leave it up to his girlfriend to tell everyone, "Hey, Mark had prostate cancer.  He had the surgery and everything is fine."

Then, they found the other cancers.  He still was not going to tell anyone, but his girlfriend got hysterical and drove down to Pam's and dumped it all on to her.

Mark had an MRI last Friday to see where other cancers may be and the oncologist will make a treatment plan.  If there is one.  There very well be nothing they can do for him.
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Mark went inside and I followed Pam down to her house.

We spent about 90 minutes together.  She was worn out too.

Then I drove back up to my sister's and spent a couple of hours with her.  My sister and I made a vow some 30 years ago to be completely open and honest with each other.  Back in the days when our step mother was telling each of us lies about the other.

She and I had a wonderful talk!  Poor Pammie has known since early June.  She and Mark are very close and he will talk and see her, but no one else.  She told him to pack his suitcase and get in the car because, "we are taking a road trip to the American Cancer Treatment Center in Chicago!"  He refused.  

Susan has known since July 4th, as has Karen and Jennifer. I found out July 27th.  They wouldn't tell me because I would blab it on Face Book--like that would ever happen!

Many misunderstandings!!!  None of us what to communicate with his girl friend.  We can't understand her.  She tends to drink quite a bit.  Her voice is very hoarse and I can't hear her very well.  Pam is the one to get any new news and will text everyone else and send me an e-mail.

Pam and Susan told Cindy, his girlfriend that would make it easier on her--not to have to make several phone calls.  

When Jen hears from Pam, she will call their Dad and over dramatize the whole thing.
========

I had concerns about Jennifer that I wanted to clarify with my sister.

Jen dropped in Saturday night and told me I needed to visit Mark and apologize to him.

"Apologize?  For what?"
"When you told him you should have inherited the farm, instead of him."
"What!?  I never told him any such thing!"
"I just want you to see him and talk so you won't have any guilt feelings afterwards."
"Apologize for something I never did?"
"Well, he thinks you said that.  That's why he won't come to any family gatherings if you are going to be there!"

So, my brain kicks into gear.  I only usually see Mark twice a year--that's all anyone in the family usually sees him.  He is more a hermit than I am and doesn't like those kinds of things, has a stubborn streak, and just doesn't go.

BUT--I saw him Christmas Eve--in fact have a picture of us sitting together, talking.  We are both laughing. I saw him last June at Madeleine's open house.  We had a nice hug, kiss and chat.  Every Christmas Eve, like forever.  At a party Jen had a couple of years ago.  He attended my 75th birthday get together at Susan's, even though Jennifer did not.  (I was told they had company so she couldn't come and found out later--that was not true.)  So, he isn't missing any family get togethers because of me.

She went on, "You stopped in to see him one day, a couple of years ago, and told him that."

"I have been inside Mark's house twice since he's lived there.  Once, when he first moved in, in 1989
 and one day, after I had been to visit Aunt Susan,  in August of 2013.  At that time, I told him how happy I was that he had gotten that farm, because out of the three farms, that was his favorite because his grandma had lived there.  He nodded his head yes.  Why would I tell him I thought I should have it?  What would I do with a hundred acre farm?"

Jen said, "Oh, well maybe Helen (step-mother) said it and he misunderstood."
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I had the strangest feeling that Jennifer was trying to get me riled up or something.  Like she thought knew that I'd go off half-cocked, run around telling everyone I never said that and look....perhaps guilty?

So yesterday, I didn't mention it to Pam, but I told my sister and wondered what I should do.

Susan said she had heard and she told my kids, "That doesn't sound like your Mother.  She was tickled to pieces that Mark and Pam inherited the farms--she told me that.' "

"Yes.  I told them both that.  Pam because it was the farm where she grew up and Mark because it was his favorite farm and he had spent such good times there with Mother and wanted to farm it with Daddy."

"I remember the day.  You were here and getting ready to leave and you said, 'I think I'll stop up and see Mark.'  In fact, I watched out the kitchen window as you drove on up there.  Remember?  I called you later to see how it went and you told me he was either drunk or high and you couldn't stay too long because of the filthy language he kept using."

"Well, it was hard for me to go up there.  Mark isn't exactly welcoming."

"It's not just you.  I have never been inside his house.  The only time I see him is when he comes down to put air in his truck tires and then....he never comes inside to say Hi or to talk."
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So--Susan and I mulled it all over.  

"If you apologize to Mark, just to keep the peace, he will think you are only doing it because he is dying.   He hasn't even accepted that yet."

"I know."

"If the girls hear that you apologized, they may get mad because you did it because YOU think he is dying and it upset him."

"So--it's a no win situation.  Right?"

"I love Jennifer to death, but.....knowing how she can be like Helen (step-mother), the only grandma she knew and was greatly influenced by....I wonder what her motives are."

"Me too."

"Just before Dad died, Jen told me that she thought you and I should apologize to Dad."

"For what?"

"I don't know.  I couldn't think of a reason.  We both told him we loved him.  We always hugged and kissed him every time we saw him.  If anyone needed to apologize to anyone...it would have been him to us!  For the way he treated us!"

"Wouldn't that have been a jaw-dropping, making us speechless moment?"

"Also, I think Jennifer wants to be in the middle of things, handling stuff.  She likes to be the in charge person.  She was with Dad when he died, and Helen when she died--at their last breath."

"Yeah.  Than everyone comes to her with sympathies and how wonderful she is for being with the dying person."

"Just like when you were in the hospital.  She hadn't seen or spoken to you in eight months, but into your hospital room she walks, with candy a hug and air kiss, and then out to confer with the doctor's and nurses.  What's up with that?"

"Well, in that case, she will be with me in my last moments!  How nice to know I won't be alone."
<we both laughed>

I said, "I have written each of my kids a letter, to be given to them after I die.  In each letter, I expressed to both Mark and Pam how I am glad they got the farms and the reasons why.  I wrote the letters in 2010.  In each letter, I told each kid how proud I have always been of them, how much I adored them when they were born, different instances of some situation when we had so much fun together,...you know--memory stuff and I told them how much I love them and....I apologized for not being the best mother to them."

"Yeah.  I have done the same for Adam. (her son).  

"So what should I do about this Jennifer thing?  Is she telling me this stuff to help or to hurt me?"

 Susan and I finally mulled it to the place where, I am not going to mention Jennifer's accusation to the other girls.  I am also not going to apologize to Mark for something I never did--at least not at this point in his illness.
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I have decided and told Susan that I am no longer going to "share" with any of the girls things like, "Oh Karen, Pammie told me......." or, "Oh Pam, by the way, Jen told me", or really say anything to any of them.  Jennifer can twist my words so easily and the girls and Mark might believe her.  I just have to keep quiet and only take in what they tell me with no response from me other than an "Oh?" or a "Thanks for letting me know." 

I hate having to walk on egg shells with my kids, but 
I want no more misunderstandings!!!  

My sister will share everything she hears with me and I with her.  She will be honest with me, even if it hurts.  She has already cautioned me about saying flippant and sarcastic stuff--which I am very prone to do.  Our whole family "was" that way, but the younger generation doesn't get it and sometimes they think we are being real, or mean, instead of kidding.

Dear Karen has stayed much out of the fray.  Her brother picked on her most of her life.  Has lied to her and hurt her.  Yes, she is distraught that he is now dying, but she prefers to pray, rather than confront.  
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Complications and misunderstandings just get more so when there is something like this in a family.  I just wish it weren't so.  I just wish I could drop in and see my son, whenever I wanted to.  I wish the whole family could be more relaxed and get together and trust and support each other.
  
Maybe that will come later?

Sunday

I visited Mark, Pam and sister Susan today.

No Need

No need for Walkies-Walkies today.

These gave me enough exercise!

Vacuuming/dusting

5 loads of laundry

 OH. MY. GOSH!!

  This stuff really works!

Can you see the difference?

The pillowcase on top--is the color my whites are.

The sheets underneath, is the color after using the OUT!

I am amazed!

Because of "our" hard water, which contains rust, lime and calcium, ALL my white clothes and bedding takes on a sort of yellowish hue after a while.  

I took everything white, out of my closet and threw it in.  1/2 cup OUT, fill washer with WARM water, let soak for 20 minutes, add detergent and wash.  VOILA!!

The Road Less Traveled

What I saw out my bathroom window yesterday evening.  Poor Merle.  It looks like the mower is dragging him along.  Why doesn't he pay $20.00 to have it mowed every other week?  Why doesn't one of this 3 kids mow for him?

Ready for our walk today?  It was only 700 steps, so a short walk.  Yesterday, I walked 950 steps.

I turned right out of my drive--just like yesterday.

 Well--here's my favorite maintenance kid: Aaron.  He used to do yard work for me before the park hired him.

Just like yesterday...except

today--I am taking the road less traveled 

What's this?  Oh--where the park disposes of limbs and branched

 I walked back there--wetlands and the back of Corky, John and Jeff's units.

What unknown awaits around the curve?

More tall trees on my right in the wetlands and---

To my left, this fascinating pond. 

 All scummy and neat.  I'll bet there are big bull frogs in there.  Probably snakes (YIKES), dragonflys--who knows.

 WOW--the backs of the houses that are along the path I walked yesterday







Oh, this sign is hysterical.  25 hours, Video surveillance?  Yeah right!

The retention pond for our park. The water looks so clear and clean.  This is probably the drainage field for our sewer system, after the sewage has been processed?  I saw a duck, but could not get his picture.  RATZ!


Turn around and headed home.

I always like to take a little peek, just to see who might be out and about.  Nobody.







A form or flowering Oregano.  Called Kent Beauty.  Mine does not look like the pictured one.  RATZ!

‘Kent Beauty’ is a hybrid ornamental oregano (O. rotundifolium x O. scabrum) that is grown primarily for its attractive flowers and foliage. 

Another Day--Another Walk

I could not get to sleep last night.  At 2:00, I remembered, I had forgotten to open the new bottle of Melatonin. So I fumbled around in the dark, got it open and popped one.  Went right to sleep, BUT....woke up late this morning.  I also forgot to set my alarm for 8:00.

Barely awake and Dar showed up!!  GEEZ LOUISE!!  She only stayed about 30 minutes and truth be told, I dozed through much of what she was yammering about.  HAH
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Today, I decided to turn right at the end of my drive and walk up the service drive.

I picked up neighbor Mike's garbage pail and put it up on his lawn.

At the corner, Gulfstream Drive, looking north, Lloyd and Margies house.

Corky (83) has the blue house.

John and Maisey are next to him.

Jeff has the pick up.

Those guys living side-by-side, are like a bunch of frat brothers.

The are always having bets on who can catch the most chipmunks or who makes the best chili.

Corky got a reprimand from the park mgmt. last fall because he was sitting on his back porch, shooting  squirrels with his .22 pistol.  HAH

The wetlands are their back yard, and coyotes range back there.

 Lloyd and Margies beautiful Rose of Sharon bush.

I'm going left, up the service drive.  It connects the "old" part of the park (mine), with the new.

Along side my new neighbor's place.

If I walked to the right, it would take me to our sewer retention pond.

Maybe tomorrow, I will go that way.

but today.  up the hill 

If you could get through all that brush, you could walk to the marshy part of the lake.  I could when I first moved in.  Now they just let the brush grow. 

Ever onward--deer flies and skeeters biting like crazy.

Wild carrot, asters and flowers along the way.

You can barely see houses that line a dead end road. These are the people that set off their M-80's and Thunder Bombs--that burst right over our area.

An unleashed dog is barking in a yard, so I turn back.

Maybe next time I can make it clear up to the new part of the park.

This reminds me of the kind of hide-outs I used to build in the woods, when I was a kid.  I know...IF I could get back in there, I could sit for hours and no one would see me. :-)

 Easier coming down the incline.
Quad muscles, calves and back are screaming!!!

The back of new neighbor's, Jackie and Dar places.  What a nice back view they have.

Finally!  Nearing the home stretch.








Turn the corner and what do I see?  Pearl, toddleing out to get her mail.  She does toddle too.  Short little baby steps so she won't fall. Bent forward a bit.  She's so cute!

Maggie, watching Pearl and waiting for me to come inside.