Once Again--with Feeling

Today's high temperature was: 30 balmy degrees

Sunny

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Everyone is freaking out about the weather.  I think it is more a "normal" winter, than we've had in a long time.  We had winters like this when I was a kid.  In fact, in 1978 we had 25 inches of snow, overnight and during the day.  My hubby had to stay at the shop in Flint because he could not get home--he arrived 2 days later.  We had so much ice on the road in front of the house, that he and the kids went out and skated up to my Dad's farm.  We thought it was great fun!

Tonight we are getting about 3 inches of snow.  Tomorrow afternoon, it will start again and we will get an additional 6 inches.  My buddy Dan, my snow shoveling out person, will hopefully arrive on Monday morning and earn his $10.  But if he doesn't--I don't need to go anywhere until Wednesday, so......
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...I just watch TV and cross stitch or once in awhile, do some housework--not too much. However, this computer room is so disheveled and dusty that one of these day..........I just might clean it up.

All the wonderful football Bowl Games have given me plenty of time to stitch.

my school.

Filled up the bird feeders today, ran up to the Wal-Mart and got some Diet Pepsi, Milk and Cat food.  We are ready.  Bring it on!!

As long as the power stays on, we will be fine.  Expected to be -30 on Monday.  

It's A Tad Cold

Sunny and -7 degrees!

This is what I accomplished yesterday--this and nothing much else :-)

Got the outhouses put behind the school--the cemetery where 4 generations of ancestor's sleep and the Burns Township  hall.

The school is now a house--the one I wanted to rent last August, on the corner.  The Township Hall has been torn down and it's land is now a new part of the cemetery.

NOW--I have to figure out how to create my school--don't quite know how I'm going to do that.

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Good football game last night--Oklahoma (15 point under dog) beat Alabama!  I was so happy as I dislike the Alabama coach--who coached for a time at MSU and then basically deserted them.  

Tonight is Ohio State against Clemson.  I will be rooting for Ohio State as they are a Big Ten team and....I don't even know where Clemson is located, LOL.

Victory for MSU

Today's high temperature: 17 degrees

4 inches of snow

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There's nothing quite like being an underdog and winning the game.  Our best lineman, Max Bullough was suspended for the Rose Bowl game.  His replacement Kevin Elsworth, who rarely gets to play, came in and took over and won the game with that last stoppage of the Stanford running back.

Been a Spartan fan since I was 12.

Through all the lean years, I loved them.

When the University of Michigan taunted us and called us

Little Brother, I loved the Spartans.

When our coach went into the empty Rose Bowl last May

and did a small video, telling the team that we would be

there on January 1st, because "it is our time",

he wasn't kidding!

The other leagues, the Pack 12, the SEC

 call the Big Ten, losers, but today

we proved we are not!!!

(I think Fred put in a good word

for us)  :-)

This has been a good year to be a Spartan fan--we haven't had many like this one.  And now--on to Basketball and looking forward to the Final Four in the NCAA tournaments in March!!

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I have been cross stitching almost constantly the last couple of days.

I told you I finished this farm, the one I grew up on.

Today, I finished up my Grandma's farm--where I raised my children.  I managed to make the

stone front of the house, look like stone.

January 1, 2014

<sigh>

T'was The Day Before The Day

They tell us we can expect 5.8 inches of snow on New Year's Day

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Marcia, thanks so much for letting me know the kids liked the book.  So far, I have had only good reviews from the kids that have it.  :-)

I always wanted a Dyson vacuum cleaner.  I got one about 6 years ago--very expensive.  Two years ago, I had to get a new clutch, belt and brushes, plus two filters put into it= $175.00.  You cannot change the belt and brush by yourself.  Lately I had noticed that it no longer seemed to be picking up the cat litter or anything else, for that matter, so yesterday, I took it to the store to get repaired.  The owner was waiting on a customer, so I looked around at some of the floor models of vacuums.  There was Oreck, Hoover, Riccar and Dyson.  I noticed over in a corner, three Dyson's just like mine--they all had repair tags on them.  I talked to the owner a bit and asked about the Dyson's.  He said, "I'd be out of business if it wasn't for Dyson repairs."

SAY WHAT??

"I thought Dyson was supposed to be the best."

"No way!  They are highly over rated and very expensive."

"Well--I have one out in my car that needs to be repaired...again."

He went out and brought it in for me.

"Yep," he said.  "Needs another clutch, a new brush and belt."

I walked over and looked at an Oreck.

 Then he said, "This machine here is a really good one and a great price, plus it is on sale until the new year."

I looked at it.  Riccar.

"I've never even heard of this brand."

"It's made in the US--Missouri.  In my opinion, it beats any other vacuum I have in this store.  It's got a belt and brush you can replace yourself and the best suction I have ever seen."

He went on to say that most carpet manufacturer's won't honor the warranty on their carpet if you use a Dyson--"The brush on a Dyson will rip out the pile and carpet fibers."

So I came home with a pretty blue Riccar vacuum cleaner and spent the rest of the afternoon vacuuming every inch of carpeting in this house and boy--he was right!!  He also gave me a 5 year maintenance warranty for free.  I can take it in every year and he will clean it and check it all over to make sure it is all right--free.

I didn't quite believe him about the carpet companies not liking Dyson, so I called the local carpet store when I got home and asked.  Sure enough.  If you use a Dyson to vacuum your new carpeting--they will not honor the warranty on the carpet, if something wears.

Then, I Googled, "5 best vacuums" and came upon this presentation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFECvZOal14   very interesting.

So--my New Year's resolution is not to use the charge card for anything in 2014--put the vacuum on it, but it was still 2013, LOL.
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As an adult, I never liked New Year's Eve.  We either had a party or went to a party or dance--I was ALWAYS the Designated Driver as I never drank. I had fun dancing and all, but everyone else got so drunk!  I never got so many "hits ons" by my friend's husband's as I did on New Years Eve.  Of course, they were drunk, so I excused them for their actions.  But, I always felt uneasy around them for a couple of months after that.  They, being drunk, could always use the excuse that they "didn't remember"--I never bought that for a minute.  Anyway--as the midnight hour drew near, there was cheering and laughing and whooping and hollering and I--just felt sad.  Another year out of my life, is the way I felt--still do.  Then I had to drive the drunks home and stop the car at any given moment so they could open the doors and heave.  At least, I got the bed all to myself that night--my hubs was curled around the porcelain throne, sleeping on the cold bathroom floor.  

I had a pretty rough 2013, so I guess I might look forward to a better year in 2014, but, being the worrier and pessimist that I naturally am--I don't put much hope in this next year.  I think it is just going to be harder then the past one--something is telling me that.

At least my Spartan's are playing in the Rose Bowl, for the first time in 25 years, so that is one good thing to look forward to on New Year's Day.
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My cross stitch is progressing.  I am now working on my Grandma's farm--the one where I raised my children from 1967 to 1988.  The house sure was hard to do.  I couldn't make the stone front look like stones--still pondering on how to do that.  Real hard to outline the squares to look like stones.

Have a Happy New Year!

Here We Go Again

Today's high temperature: 41 degrees

Sunny

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On day #7, Pammie, Mark and my Byron friends, got their power back on.  Pammie and Mark lost all the food in their freezers and refrigerators.  Mark had just purchased 1/4 of a butchered steer--Pammie had also just stocked her refrigerator.  Home Owners insurance might pay, but they each have a $1,000 deductible.  The power company is offering a $25.00 rebate on their light bill.  Just go back to trimming the damn trees around the wires every few years, like they used to, and they wouldn't have this problem.

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I got Christmas out of here today--8  hours of cleaning and putting away.  Freshened up my drapes in the dryer with a dryer sheet on "air", dusted and polished, washed windows inside.  It sure seems dark without the Christmas tree lights and no outside lights on anymore.  I am going into hibernation now!!

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I am fast approaching the 2nd anniversary of Fred's "transition" from here to there.  It's weird.  I feel like I have been alone for years and years.  Sometimes, I wonder if we really had seven years together or if I just imagined all of it.

The first year, actually, to me wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  The first few weeks I was in a state of shock.  I did everything by rote--instinct.  I smiled and I smiled and I comforted people and I told everyone how grateful I was for knowing him.

The next couple of months, I was in the fog--the anesthesized brain.  I acted quite normal, to the outside world.  I drove places, I attended family functions, but when I got home, I couldn't remember driving there and back.  I knew I had talked to people, but I couldn't quite remember who or what was said.  Unless, I said or did something really irrational or outrageous--I remembered that and wondered why I had said or done it..so out of character.  Sleep walking through life.

Then, there were things that had to be taken care of.  His bathroom shelf had to be cleared.  His toothbrush, his Old Spice, his special shampoo, his razor.  Closets to be cleaned out, the storage unit and shed to be cleared out, things to give away.

Along about nine months into the journey, I felt like I was doing quite well.  Oh--at times I still said and did irrational things--like ordering Forever Comfy cushions on line, at three A.M.--and at times I thought I was losing my mind or had a brain tumor or something.  Irrational thoughts would come into my mind. But all-in-all, I was doing pretty good.

Just as I was starting to cruise along, getting through all the "firsts" alone--the birthdays, the anniversary, the holidays, in a pretty good state.  Then comes the 1st anniversary of THE DAY!  

BAM--I put myself in a giant hole by reading my journals of our seven years together, looking at vacation photos, watching the video they played at his funeral.  I thought it would be good for me--it would be closure--HAH--it set me back for weeks.
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I had heard that the second year is even harder and I wondered how that could be--impossible, but in truth, it has been.

The 2nd year brought reality.  

Fred was not in the hospital, getting better and waiting to come home.  He was not up at the Wal-Mart, buying groceries and would be walking in the front door any minute. He wouldn't be here to tell me when I had an inch long black hair growing out of my neck.  No thumb to hold at night.  No sweet words of how much he loved me.  No hugs and no kisses. 

Reality bites big time!!!

No one spoke his name--it was like he never existed.  I had forgotten how his voice and laugh sounded--how he smelled.  There was no trace of him--anywhere. 

He was gone.  

Forever.  

Never to be seen again.

The Grief Share meetings may have been helpful, but I was so busy thinking about their "pre-determination" theory that I totally do not believe in, that I may have missed the real reason I was there.

Reality is a big slap in the face.  

Then the financial crises.  The problems and no one to talk to about them.  The problem with Jen and I never would have happened if Fred were here. 

I went a little nuts again.  Knew for sure that I had a severe mental problem.  The panic attacks, the heart palpitations--that sent me to the ER.  

"We can find nothing wrong."

"Nothing wrong?  Then why is my heart beating at 127 beats a minute?"

The loneliness seemed to get worse--an icy, cold feeling deep inside.  An actual physical feeling of coldness in my stomach--or could it be a cancer growing?  An aneurysm on my aortic artery that runs down my center?

I never worried or even rarely thought of dying--before Fred died.  Now I wondered all the time.  Would I die in the middle of the night and no one find me for days? Would I die while I was driving?  Fall over in the middle of the Wal-Mart?  Drop dead in church?

Many times I wanted to die.  Just sit down in my recliner, put my feet up, close my eyes and "transition" outta here.  Maybe it IS true--that we will see our loved ones again.  I was tired.  Tired of having to do it all.  Tired of no one to talk to that understood.  Just plain tired.

Such deep seated fear gripped me--the fear of needing help and being all alone was the worse. The internal shaking that came at odd times of the day.  The dreams that woke me, screaming and kicking, in the middle of the night.

What if....someone tried to break in at night? What if...the severe thunderstorm made the tree fall on the trailer?  What if the cat got sick and he is too heavy for me to carry out to the car and the vet?  What if the hot water heater sprung a leak and flooded the place. What if a fire started in the middle of the night. 

It's enough to drive a person crazy--all the what if's.

Yeah--the second year has been worse. Especially this New Year's Day--the 2nd anniversary, made worse because Fred and I always watched football bowl games all day and THIS YEAR, Michigan State is playing in the Rose Bowl.  Fred would be so proud and so excited about that.  There would be cheering from both of us, groans at an interception.  We would have our usual platter of New Year's Day snacks--sliced Hickory Stick, some really good Wisconsin cheese, Breton Sesame crackers and some nice sweet Gherkins, he with his Coke, me with my Diet Pepsi, sitting on the table between our chairs.

Dammit!!! 

Life isn't fair--most of the time!

     

I Am Here

The high temperature today was: 41 degrees

Lots of sun

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I did nothing today except cross stitch.

Byron family and friends still without electricity--day #6.

See ya tomorrow.