It's A Wonderful Life.....most of the time

Yesterday, I was standing in the kitchen, waiting for the microwave to finish warming my lunch, looking out the kitchen window and tears started sliding down my face.  

For no reason.

I just had a momentary flicker of a memory of Fred making Christmas cut-out cookies and just started crying.

This is a real difficult time of year for widows.  For anyone who had a close family member die, parent, child, sibling.  The memories of happy past Christmas' just flick into our mind, without notice and bring on the tears.

...and we just keep on smiling because, we don't want to spoil Christmas for those around us.
<sigh>
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Pammie called me last night.  We talked for about an hour.  Jen's family are off on a Disney Cruise.  They decided to go this week instead of next, as it was cheaper and they hoped to miss the Christmas break college kids on board.

We are hoping that Jennifer and the kids might come to our Christmas Eve day family get together.  I think Eric has to work that day anyway, so perhaps she might come.  I know my sister, her son's family and my son would love to see Jen and, if they move to New Jersey, it will probably be our last Christmas Eve with all of us together.

Pammie told me that now, it isn't really Jennifer.  It is more Eric.  Apparently he is the one holding the grudge and, it isn't just about me.  I guess he thinks or has assumed that other family members have said something bad about him.  This is pure nonsense as we ALL love Eric.

Pam said, "I don't understand it, Momma.  I'm not like that...none of us in the family are like that.  If we get our feelings hurt by someone, we tell them and then we forget about it.  Or...we don't tell them and still get over it in a couple of days and forget about it."

"I know, Honey.  I don't get it either.  We have probably been hurt by every single person in our family.  Things they have said to us or about us and it hurts for a few days and then...we just give it up.  We are family.  You don't hold grudges or anger against family members."

So Pammie is going to tell Jen when we meet and tell her that we'd all like to see her and the kids and it won't be any different than when she came to Maddie's open house.

Of course, Pam mentioned that if Eric forbid Jen from coming, she wouldn't be able too because that would cause strife between them.  I understand that and we don't want that to happen.

I'm STILL going to send him a birthday card on the 22nd and I am still going to sign it with love--just like I have always done!

Pammie also told me something that made me smile!  Years ago, I got large heavy papier mache boxes for the kids.  I decorated them and put a wooden initial of their first name on the top.  It is to store their Christmas ornaments in--I did the same for Karen's kids.  I get the kids some sort of personal and personalized ornament every year.  This year I got Andrew one about LaCrosse which he took up this year.  I got Elise an absolutely beautiful silver flute, because she is playing that in the band, Alex got one with a boy on a dirt bike, because he is into that and I got Evan one painted with Curious George on it.  They all have their names on them, except for Elise's flute.

Pammie said that when they put up their Christmas tree, the kids get their boxes and unwrap their ornaments from me and put them on the tree first.  Then they don't seem to want to decorate the tree anymore.

That means, they will always have those ornaments and when they open the storage boxes, they will remember this Mimi!!
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I had a rough night last night.  Probably because of the unresolved Eric & Jen issue and thinking about Fred.  If he had still been alive, he would have had the mess straightened out in a couple of weeks.  Jen and Eric both admired him and took his counsel.  Of course, if Fred had still been alive, I probably wouldn't have been "out of it" or still in the "brain fog" that caused me to do something so stupid.

I was worn out when I finally woke up at 9:00.  The bed covers were all torn up and twisted and the cats were nowhere to be seen--apparently there was yelling and kicking and it scared them.

The weather has been nice and mild.  I should have gone out for a walk, but I did laundry, worked all morning on my friend, Chris' website and stuff and than, this afternoon, got involved in watching a couple of Turner Classic Movies, which also made me cry.  

I just pray I get my Christmas miracle and Jen and the kids show up at my sister's on Christmas Eve afternoon.
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My precious boy does like to have a rock-a-bye

on Momma's lap.