It is so surprising, I had one of the best Christmas seasons ever this year.

Who would have thought, with the family Christmas get together canceled?

Last week on Thursday, my daughter Karen stopped in with lunch and we got to talk, one-on-one. Then Friday, my sister Susan and brother-in-law Chuck stopped in and brought prezzies and we got to talk, one-on-one.

On Christmas Eve afternoon, my oldest grandchild Helene, her husband Mike and my sweet ggchildren Della and Harrison, stopped in.  We masked up and stayed outside and they brought prezzies and we got to talk, one-on-one.

I opened my gifts on Christmas Eve and made a video for my sister and a video for my granddaughter, to send to them,  while I opened their gifts, so it felt like they were with me.

Then Christmas Day, my neighbor picked me up and over to her house for dinner with her dad and son, and we got to talk, one-on-one. 

When we have our family Christmas, there are 20-30 people and we talk across the room or the table while we eat and there’s a lot of noise and movement and, unless I grabbed one of the kids and dragged them into another room, there is rarely an opportunity for a one-on-one conversation.

I found this year to be so enjoyable—spread out over a week, with individual visits.

Then I realized how lucky I have been this past year.  With all MY “perceived” isolation, I have had more individual visits than in other years.  Last spring, Karen got my groceries for me, so I got to see her every couple of weeks.  In June, I got to attend a wedding with a small group of family.  I got to attend a small birthday gathering in October.  Karen and Mark were here twice to plant my tree and then to trim my hedges and clean up my gardens.  I had a visit from a friend, I hadn’t seen in years, to work on her genealogy and a recent visit from another friend, I hadn’t seen in years, to bring me photos for her genealogy.  Visits from my sister and Chuck, when they’d come down this way to shop. This has been a really great year for me!

I haven’t been isolated at all.  It was only in my mind that I felt that way.

 Depression. Have you ever had it?

I don't mean feeling "down" for a few days, but that persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest, that lasts for months.

I've battled it off and on, most of my adult life.

It comes, for no reason and can leave, just as quickly, for no reason.

I felt it coming on last April and thought it was because of the restrictions due to The Virus, but nothing in my physical life had really changed. I don't go out much in my normal life.

It got worse and worse. I loss interest in almost everything. I still had genealogies to work on, thank goodness, but I didn't clean up my house, I didn't eat and I lost 15#. I didn't fill up my bird feeders, I didn't tend to my flower gardens. I was tired all the time. I didn't want to see anyone because, just the effort of talking and trying to concentrate on a conversation, wore me out. I started hoping that I would just die...such a relief that would be. No more worries. No more back aches. Just bliss.

In mid-November, I noticed that I had started feeling better. I had a calm feeling. I wasn't yawning and tired all day. I no longer fell asleep in my chair at 4:00 in the afternoon. I seemed to have a bit more energy and everything just started to "feel fine" again.

I have no idea why, but the depression has seemed to finally go away. Nothing has changed physically--I still am restricted in my going to and fro. My car is still in bad shape. My income is less than my out-go. Thanksgiving with the family was canceled, along with Christmas, but that hasn't bothered me one tiny bit.

I can't explain it, but I feel wonderful!! Thank you God!

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I am getting my "Christmas" in bits and pieces. Karen came over Thursday, with lunch, and a gift and we talked for a couple of hours. Then she helped me set up the fairly large humidifier I have and we talked some more.

She is disappointed that we aren't having a family get together and I think what makes it more difficult for her is that her oldest daughter, Helene, with the two children; Della and Harrison, won't allow in person visits. Karen and her husband Mark, went down to see the kids the other day, and they had to talk through the glass storm day. Della cried because she wanted to "hug Grammie" and Harrison cried because he wanted to "kith Gwammie and Papa", so Karen and Mark left. She said they cried half the way home.

I felt so bad for Karen! She said, "Well Mom, I guess you would know what it's like to have your daughter forbid you to see your grandchildren."

<referring back 6-7 years when Jennifer sent me an e-mail telling me I couldn't see her kids anymore>

I said to Karen, "Yes. I know how much that hurts, but this time will pass and you will get to see them and hug them again. At least Helene isn't moving four hundred miles away, and you still get to see and hold Benny." (Her youngest daughter Madeleine's baby.)

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My sister and brother-in-law Chuck stopped in on Friday. They brought a bag full of presents. Since I don't have a Christmas tree to put them under--I want to wait until Christmas Eve to open them, Susan suggested I set them up in my rocking chair.

We always get our picture taken together on Christmas Eve--this is what it looks like this year.

Susan said she is going to fold the photo so it looks like we are sitting together

I put the Star ornament she gave me on the top of my "tree".

I am thinking of setting up my camera and taking a video when I open her gifts. Then I can e-mail her the video and it will be like she is here with me.

 

These "kids", my grandson Stephen and Carolyn, who graduated from medical school in May, who married on June 6th..

Had a big outdoors reception August 29th

Started their Medical Residency in September...

Are having a baby in May.

My grandkids are as prolific as their parents, Karen and Mark were.

This will make 4 great grand babies in 4 1/2 years.

Can you imagine how much fun all those cousins are going to have...growing up together.

 We didn't get together for Thanksgiving at Karen's this year.  She thought it best not to and I agreed.  With her 5 children and their spouses--these people work in all sorts of businesses.  My grandson and new wife are doing their medical residencies in hospital--not in a Covid ward, but who knows what bad buggies they might have.

Karen's second oldest, Susanna, couldn't come anyway and won't be here for Christmas either.  She had lived in Portland, Oregon for years, but because of the crowds and the racial problems they were having, she moved up to Anchorage, Alaska for a couple of months, which has turned into 4 and she just may stay there for another six.  She works as marketing director for New Balance shows, but all of her travel has been canceled and she can work from home easily.  She loves it there.

Christmas gathering may be a bit iffy too.  I don't mind staying home.  I'd rather not take any chances now so that next year or even this summer, we can have a big celebration.  Oh yes--I have another great grand baby due in May.  The newest married kids--the doctor's are expecting.

Our Governor is encouraging us "olders" not to go out unless absolutely necessary--grocery and prescriptions.  Just like last Spring.  I try and schedule all my stops for one trip.  I change masks in between stores.  A mask for the pharmacy, a new mask for the grocery store, a new mask for the gas station.

A nurse friend told me I didn't have to change masks like that.  I told her the reason I did was I wasn't worrying about germs...it's just that the dang masks get so hot, and make my face sweat, I want a new dry one for my next stop.

I have been working on genealogies, one after another.  That makes me sooooooo happy! I do get bored and if I have a genealogy to research and work on, it keeps my mind active and the hours just go by.

Needless to say, my house is a wreck.  I haven't dusted in probably a month.  I have genealogy papers strewn all over every surface in my office in here.  I have a big bucket standing just inside the office door, full of squirrel food...near the front door.  The large buckets that light weight cat litter comes in are perfect for storing bird seed and squirrel food, but they aren't too attractive when I have visitors.

I have had few in the last 10 months--probably another reason I am neglectful of my house work, I suppose.  No one is going to see my house so...who cares.  HAH!

My cable bill had gone up a bit so I called my cable service and not only did they lower the bill, they sent me a new cable box that shows everything on TV in HD.  The picture now fills up the entire TV screen AND a new voice remote.  What a wonder.  If I know there is a ballgame on, but can't remember which channel, I just speak into the remote..."Michigan State Basketball" and it takes me right to the correct channel.

I even get free movies too.  I've watched a few good ones.  I am supposed to get a free cell phone also--hasn't arrived yet, and usage for $5.00 a month.  I'm sure it will take me a month to learn how to use it...not too many gigobytes I'm sure, but enough so I can take it with me and get help if I ever need it and if I am in a WiFi area, which I have with my new cable box, it won't cost me anything to use it.  It even has a voice text...which should help me with my shaky hands--I was worrying about how I would type out a text message.

When we got our Stimulus check, way back when, the welfare people gave each of us who are on food stamps--actually there are no stamps involved now, they put money on a card for you to use to buy good...an extra $100.00.  My normal monthly amount was $15.00 which is really not much.

Then when I had my review in September, they upped my food allowance to $95.00 a month!  YOWZA!! I was buying meat and fruit and veggies and building up the $$$ on my card, because they roll over the amount I don't spend and add the monthly allowance amount to it.  It was high times for awhile.  I was having fun eating food I normally can't afford.

I got a letter from them last week.  The food allowance is going down to $25.00.  I still have $150.00 on my card, but without that $95.00 added each month, the amount on the card will soon come down and I will once again be at $25.00.  

When you are at the whim of the government, you don't question why the changes.  You take what they give and are danged glad to get it.  

I didn't decorate this year...I didn't decorate last year either.  My sister tells me, "Put up your tree.  Put out all your decorations and lights...it will make you feel better."  Well, actually it makes me feel worse.  I am here alone.  No one comes to visit.  It all just makes me more lonely and depressed with all the decorations.  Plus, the last time I did the whole thing...2018, it took me 5 days and I was exhausted.  I took it down Christmas day.

I do wish my Christmas Cactus would bloom.  It bloomed the first year I bought it, five years ago and hasn't bloomed since.  I looked it up on-line to see the shape of the leaves and if it is an Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas cactus.  It doesn't bloom any time of year.

It grows and it is healthy and it gets the proper light and very little water.  Maybe I should transplant it in a different pot?  I may try that...at New Years time.

I did get all my Christmas cards created and printed out and have been folding them and putting in envelopes.  I want to mail them out Monday--December 7th, a "day that will live in infamy".  Not many of you remember that time.

I wonder when we will be able to get the Vaccine against Covid?  My sister says she will be first in line.  I figure I'll let her go first, see if she has any horrid side effects and then, I'll get mine next late summer.

Back in 1968--there was an epidemic of the Swine Flu.  We went to the school gymnasium and lined up to get the vaccine.  I was never so sick in my life!  That was the last flu shot I ever got until 6 years ago.  The flu shot I get now doesn't bother me a bit, but...I don't know about this vaccine.

In 1956, I got the Polio vaccine.  My mother waited a few days to see if I got sick, which I didn't, so then she took my little sister in to get it.  I figure, if I was the guinea pig back then for my sister, she can return the favor now.  HAH!

 I really am sorry.

I have had friends on this blog e-mail me and ask if I am all right.

I have been so negligent in posting.

It's just...there is very little positive things in life right now, that a post would be such a downer it wouldn't help anyone else.

People that know me in "real life" always mention what a positive, always smiling person I am.  Always upbeat, with a spring in my step.  

That's true--when I am out.  When I am around people.  Little do they know the lifelong battle I have had with depression and "boy howdy", as a friend Bonnie would say, that depression has me in its grip now!

I suppose I have too much pride to allow people to see that, so I stay home and that is self defeating because, not seeing and communicating with people, makes the depression worse.

After all people!  I am this deep faith Christian.  Giving all my worries and frustrations to God and waiting on Him to give me all I need in life.  Which I do, but I guess it makes me feel like a fake when I get depressed.  I shouldn't be depressed.  If my walk is where my talk is, I should be relaxed and calm and peaceful.

I guess...it's just everything that is going on in my world.

The pandemic is getting worse.  Our positive cases here in Michigan are higher than they were last spring.  It appears we are headed for another full lockdown.

The stupid election and this whole recount and suing States for "stealing and cheating" has me riled up.  I posted on FB that it was time to accept defeat, congratulate the winner graciously and get on with things.  All my Republican friends jumped all over me.  "Never give up!" they commented.  

I was hoping "we" could take the higher ground and not act like the Democrats acted these last 4 years.  Apparently not!

I've played enough sports where the umpires or refs made the wrong call, causing my team to lose.  You get angry.  You feel hurt, but you go over and congratulate the other team and walk away a good loser.  

Of course, the Holiday season never was any good for someone with depression, especially if they are alone.  I didn't decorate last year and I won't this year either.

"Oh, you must decorate," people say.  "It will make you feel better."

No.  It won't.  All the bright lights and songs just remind me of what I've lost.  Oh, I'll be okay when family gets together on Christmas Eve, if we do this year.  I will be happy and smiling and laughing with the Grand Kids, and wondering how long I have to stay in that noisy atmosphere, until I can gracefully leave to come home to quietness.  Four hours is my max.

I am turning into the stereotypical old woman!  Complaining and cranky.  Alone with her cats.  One pity party after another.

But no one will know, because I cover it so well.  What a fake!

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I just finished helping a friend do her family story.  Not a regular genealogy, as her family came from Hungary and we could only go back two generations.  Records in the countries that the Communists took over in WWII and after, are hard to find.  You have to fly over there and visit the church in their town to see if any records still exist.

It was a fun project.  She had collected so many photos and stories from her siblings and grandkids about her parents.  Also a section devoted to each sibling, there were 7 of them in the family, so it included grandchildren, great grands information.

Now I am working on a genealogy for a classmate of mine, wife.  He passed 3 years ago and she wants it for their two sons.  She didn't even think to have her own family included until I told her that if this genealogy was for their sons and grandchildren, her family must be included also.

Did I tell you that my car is in home Hospice?  I took it in for what I thought was a small repair...power steering fluid leaking from the rack and pinion...but they couldn't fix it because the undercarriage is so rusted out that there wasn't anything to fasten the new rack and pinion onto.

It is still driveable for short trips, like to the store or appointments, but it is on it's last wheels.

So, I need to find another car.  How am I going to finance that?

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My son's cancer has returned and he has to have a kidney removed.  His "girlfriend" has a text thread she uses to let my daughter's and sister know what is going on, but she won't e-mail me anything.  So I have to call my sister to find out what is happening.  

I have been nothing but nice to this woman for the last 17 years, but for some reason, she doesn't like me, I guess. 

I have to be careful what I post on Face Book because she is in cahoots with my youngest Jennifer and tells her if I post something she deems to be wrong.

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When I went to my daughter Karen's for the fall into the leaf pile and birthday party, I found out two days later that Karen's mother-in-law tested positive and was in hospital.  She and I sat next to each other at the table and yakked and yakked.  So I just stayed in for 14 days and waited to see if I had contracted The Virus.  No I did not and the lady is now home and doing well.

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I am doing okay.  Working on some exercises to get more strength back in my legs.  Working on this genealogy to keep my mind occupied.  Trying not to watch any National News because there isn't one main stream or cable news network that isn't prejudiced and biased to the max!

I will try to do better on posting, but for some reason, I am hesitant to tell it all to you.  I still feel like there might be a "spy" reading these posts and reporting back to my youngest.

Great!  Now I'm getting paranoid.  Oh well, that's a new mental illness I haven't had before.

HAH!

A Shocking Experience

 

I had not felt well most of the week.  My blood pressure was high as was my pulse rate.

I woke up in a sweat on the morning of October 29^th.   My blood pressure was 197 and my pulse rate was 135 beats per minute.  My balance was off and I found it difficult to walk.

I had started a new drug—Metoprolol Extended Release on the 9^th of September and it had been working well to keep my pulse rate and BP within normal ranges.

On October 7^th, I had a heart monitor to wear for a week.  The results had come back that there had been “no events” with my heart and everything was normal.

On the morning of the 29^th, I took my Metoprolol Extended Release pill.  An hour later, I found I couldn’t stand or walk without becoming weak and faint feeling.  The rest of the morning and early afternoon, I stayed in my chair, only getting up to go to the bathroom.  I had to hold onto the table and the wall to walk to the bathroom without fainting.  I thought perhaps I had a mild stroke.  I prayed off and on most of the day for God to help me.

Around 4:00 in the afternoon, I was sitting in my chair, reading, when all of a sudden I felt an electric shock hit my upper right arm, cross my body and go out my upper left arm, it jolted me.  This was immediately followed by extreme cold inside my body.

I didn’t have a chill.  My skin wasn’t cold.  It was icy cold in my body core—from chest down to my hips.  This lasted for a few seconds and was gone.

I put my book down and laid back in my chair, trying to breathe normally and relax.

About a half an hour later, I noticed that my head was clear.  I got up and walked to the bathroom with no feeling of faintness nor weakness.

I felt quite well, although tired, for the rest of the day and evening.

I had an appointment with the Cardiologist on October 30^th.  I woke that morning feeling well.

I walked from the car into the Cardiologist building with no problem, my balance seemed fine.  My BP was 174/68.  My pulse rate 66 bpm.

When the Cardiologist came into the exam room, we talked about the heart monitor test and she said it was great.  I had no problems with my heart.  Then I told her of what had happened the day before.

She said she had never heard of such a thing and asked me to describe how it had felt again.  As I told her of the “shock”, she just stared at me. 

“There is no physical explanation for that happening,” she said.  “I have never heard of anything like that.  Maybe you were touched by an Angel,” she said and then laughed.

I was still feeling good when I left her office that I drove into Brighton, stopped at the Meijer gas station, then on to the Meijer grocery store where I spent an hour buying groceries.  I drove home, carried in all the groceries and put them away.

Although my back hurt, which is normal after a grocery trip, I felt fine.  That evening, my blood pressure was 145/66, my pulse rate was 62.

I have tried to find out what caused this “shock”.  I have Googled it and searched.  There is nothing even mentioned about such an event.

I wanted to document it before I forgot the details.  I have no explanation.  It cannot be explained.  I give all the credit to God.  What else could it be?