I really am sorry.

I have had friends on this blog e-mail me and ask if I am all right.

I have been so negligent in posting.

It's just...there is very little positive things in life right now, that a post would be such a downer it wouldn't help anyone else.

People that know me in "real life" always mention what a positive, always smiling person I am.  Always upbeat, with a spring in my step.  

That's true--when I am out.  When I am around people.  Little do they know the lifelong battle I have had with depression and "boy howdy", as a friend Bonnie would say, that depression has me in its grip now!

I suppose I have too much pride to allow people to see that, so I stay home and that is self defeating because, not seeing and communicating with people, makes the depression worse.

After all people!  I am this deep faith Christian.  Giving all my worries and frustrations to God and waiting on Him to give me all I need in life.  Which I do, but I guess it makes me feel like a fake when I get depressed.  I shouldn't be depressed.  If my walk is where my talk is, I should be relaxed and calm and peaceful.

I guess...it's just everything that is going on in my world.

The pandemic is getting worse.  Our positive cases here in Michigan are higher than they were last spring.  It appears we are headed for another full lockdown.

The stupid election and this whole recount and suing States for "stealing and cheating" has me riled up.  I posted on FB that it was time to accept defeat, congratulate the winner graciously and get on with things.  All my Republican friends jumped all over me.  "Never give up!" they commented.  

I was hoping "we" could take the higher ground and not act like the Democrats acted these last 4 years.  Apparently not!

I've played enough sports where the umpires or refs made the wrong call, causing my team to lose.  You get angry.  You feel hurt, but you go over and congratulate the other team and walk away a good loser.  

Of course, the Holiday season never was any good for someone with depression, especially if they are alone.  I didn't decorate last year and I won't this year either.

"Oh, you must decorate," people say.  "It will make you feel better."

No.  It won't.  All the bright lights and songs just remind me of what I've lost.  Oh, I'll be okay when family gets together on Christmas Eve, if we do this year.  I will be happy and smiling and laughing with the Grand Kids, and wondering how long I have to stay in that noisy atmosphere, until I can gracefully leave to come home to quietness.  Four hours is my max.

I am turning into the stereotypical old woman!  Complaining and cranky.  Alone with her cats.  One pity party after another.

But no one will know, because I cover it so well.  What a fake!

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I just finished helping a friend do her family story.  Not a regular genealogy, as her family came from Hungary and we could only go back two generations.  Records in the countries that the Communists took over in WWII and after, are hard to find.  You have to fly over there and visit the church in their town to see if any records still exist.

It was a fun project.  She had collected so many photos and stories from her siblings and grandkids about her parents.  Also a section devoted to each sibling, there were 7 of them in the family, so it included grandchildren, great grands information.

Now I am working on a genealogy for a classmate of mine, wife.  He passed 3 years ago and she wants it for their two sons.  She didn't even think to have her own family included until I told her that if this genealogy was for their sons and grandchildren, her family must be included also.

Did I tell you that my car is in home Hospice?  I took it in for what I thought was a small repair...power steering fluid leaking from the rack and pinion...but they couldn't fix it because the undercarriage is so rusted out that there wasn't anything to fasten the new rack and pinion onto.

It is still driveable for short trips, like to the store or appointments, but it is on it's last wheels.

So, I need to find another car.  How am I going to finance that?

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My son's cancer has returned and he has to have a kidney removed.  His "girlfriend" has a text thread she uses to let my daughter's and sister know what is going on, but she won't e-mail me anything.  So I have to call my sister to find out what is happening.  

I have been nothing but nice to this woman for the last 17 years, but for some reason, she doesn't like me, I guess. 

I have to be careful what I post on Face Book because she is in cahoots with my youngest Jennifer and tells her if I post something she deems to be wrong.

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When I went to my daughter Karen's for the fall into the leaf pile and birthday party, I found out two days later that Karen's mother-in-law tested positive and was in hospital.  She and I sat next to each other at the table and yakked and yakked.  So I just stayed in for 14 days and waited to see if I had contracted The Virus.  No I did not and the lady is now home and doing well.

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I am doing okay.  Working on some exercises to get more strength back in my legs.  Working on this genealogy to keep my mind occupied.  Trying not to watch any National News because there isn't one main stream or cable news network that isn't prejudiced and biased to the max!

I will try to do better on posting, but for some reason, I am hesitant to tell it all to you.  I still feel like there might be a "spy" reading these posts and reporting back to my youngest.

Great!  Now I'm getting paranoid.  Oh well, that's a new mental illness I haven't had before.

HAH!