...and The Days Dwindle Down--To A Precious Few....

Today's high temperature was: 87 degrees

Today's humidity was:  65%

Sunny all day--nice breeze, but still too hot!
Rain tonight--all around us, but not here.
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I have been thinking about this all week.

There is an older woman--mid-seventies.  She lives all alone.  Her children do not stop in often to visit her.  She rarely sees her grandchildren--they are a distance away.  When she does see them, she isn't very nice to them--then, realizing she wasn't very nice, she tries to make it up to them, hoping the visit will end with them only remembering the good times with Granny.  

This woman complains about everything!  If her daughter offers to drive her to a family function, the woman complains the entire long drive.  She didn't really want to go.  Stop the car.  Let her out, she wants to go back home.  No, never mind, she'll go, but her family doesn't care about her.  She is superfluous--no one in the family would even miss her if she wasn't there.   On and on and on she rants. She weeps.  She is very sad. She is very angry. 

Afterwards, she realizes that she had a pretty good time.  Now she remembers the way she acted.  Some of the weird things she said.  She feels bad.  She calls and apologizes.  She thinks she might be losing her mind.

Now that she is home, home where she is in control.  Now that she has time to think.

Her problem?  She has way too much time to think.  What is there for her to do in life?  Sit and watch television--think about her past.  All the hurts she has had in her life.  She may lash out at people now, for those past hurts, even though they aren't the ones who caused the hurt.  She may feel guilty about her past life.  She would never admit it, because she can't allow herself to admit it--even in her own mind.  

She is divorced once or twice--rotten, damn men!!!  There is a niggle.  She wonders if the divorce was her fault?  No--it is not possible--she was a good wife--HE was the rotten one--surely it has to be that way, in her mind.

She has few visitors.  She is very lonely.  She feels that death is only a few short months away and she knows that and it makes her scared and even more lonely.  Just get it over with.  Then she won't have to think. Everyone in her family will feel a lot better with her gone.

It's difficult to go anywhere.  Perhaps she is in pain from arthritis.  She doesn't move around very much so the arthritis gets even worse.  It gets too noisy at the family functions.  She may be hard of hearing and that makes conversations even harder. Too much background noise for her to even hear what the person next to her is saying.  

She is filled with fear.  She is disappointed in her life.  She can't do a thing about anything, anymore. There is nothing to look forward to.  No one cares--they look at her in a disparaging way.  She is a nasty, old bitch.  She can't remember things at times.  This frightens her too. Sometimes she gets very confused.  

People leave her alone because she is so nasty.  She gets nastier because she is alone so much of the time. When family does come to her house, she sees it in their eyes.  They aren't there just to sit and chat for awhile.  They are there out of a feeling of obligation.--they have to take her to an appointment.  They have to check up on her.  Wouldn't it be nice if they just came to simply visit--play a game of cards--watch a movie on TV with her.

This is much the way I would have felt about that woman when I was in my 40's-50's.  A pain in the neck that I didn't want to be around, didn't want to feel obligated too, remembered how nasty she had been to me, tried to figure out how I could avoid her.

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Now, I am the age of this woman.  NO--I AM NOT this woman, but all of a sudden, I understand her!

I too have felt, the last year, that something was very wrong with me--my thinking--the things I have uttered, or the way I have acted, or reacted.  At times, it has taken very bit of strength I had to go to a family function.  I'd just end up sitting in a chair in the living room and not really feel included--because I didn't interact with others.  When invited to go to a function--it was so hard.  It hurt so bad to have to walk up stairs to get to a ball game, or sit for a long period of time during a band concert or ballet performance.  When it was over, I did not want to go out to supper--yes, I was hungry, but, once again, I would have to sit on a hard chair, wait for the food, too much noise--I just wanted to come back home.  I was so tired--I wanted to sit down, put my feet up, be quiet.

After certain occasions, I remembered weird statements I had made.  At times, tears came into my eyes for no reason.  I felt very sorry for myself and no one understood--nor did they want to hear any of my complaints--they didn't really care.  Try to be upbeat and friendly and funny and----be exhausted in a couple of hours for the trying.  It use to come naturally, now it was forced. Yet--if I was quiet, people wondered what was wrong. 

I was scared that I was losing my mind--it felt that way sometimes.  I couldn't remember who was at the party--sometimes. Couldn't remember whom I had spoken with--sometimes, but, I always could remember the statements I made or the weird thing I did--which in turn, just made me want to stay away from people so I wouldn't embarrass myself again and again and again!!!  I was so tired, all the time.  I was in pain, all the time.  Everything was an effort, all the time.  

I was not the person that I remembered being.  I wondered what had happened to that person.  Why did I act like I did now?  Why did I say stupid things--act weird?  What was wrong with me?  Perhaps I did have Alzheimer's and everyone knew except me?  Maybe my kids stayed away because I had done something awful to them in their lives and now...I couldn't remember what.  Maybe I needed to be institutionalized?  Maybe I needed shock treatments?

The only difference between this woman and me was, that I was able--ON MY OWN--to seek  help.  No one had to take me to an appointment with the shrink!  I wanted no one else to know--because I was trying so hard to keep control and pretend that my weirdness was only because I was still in a brain fog from grief or I was getting old and just a tad eccentric.

The only difference between this woman and me was, I am younger then she is and maybe a bit more independent, or stronger and I realized that something was not right.  I know she knows, what she is doing, how she is acting is not right--I know she does.  

I just wish she could get help.  I just wish she would get help. She's probably afraid too.  She may have had mental issues all her life and never received the help she needed.  I just wish she could before she does die and the only feeling her family will have is relief that the nasty mother/grandmother bitch is gone.  

OH--I am so sad because, honestly, with a some help from some meds, maybe a tiny bit of talk therapy--she and everyone else in her family would enjoy the years she has left.

I heard someone say, "You might get addicted to the meds."  I say, "At 70+ years--how many years are left? Who the Hell cares if we get addicted?  What difference does it make?  Better have a nice, calm, happy life with a smile on our face, then go through all the torment of mental illness for the rest of our days!"

This and That and Nice Stuff

Today's high temperature was:  84 degrees

Today's humidity was: 68%

Sunny all day

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Up a little earlier--9:15 (because the lawn mowing guy was here and mowing under my bedroom window)  LOL

Took a shower as I was going to head back into Brighton.  I found out that Evan, who will be two on the 23rd of September, already has a tricycle--or 5.  As he is the youngest of four kids--he gets ALL the hand-me-downs.  One of the trikes, that he can't reach the pedals yet, is a lot like the one I purchased for him.  Sirens, lights, all that jazz.  So I will take this one back.  YAY--50.00 back in my bank account!!

Pammie said, "I thought you always made a pillow for the kids with their interests cross stitched on the front."

"I do, but Pammie, I haven't seen him in four months.  I have no idea what he likes!"  <sigh>

"Momma--he likes everything!!  Oh wait---every morning when we get dressed, he always wants his orange Elmo shirt.  When we sit down for his morning snack, he wants to watch Elmo.  You know he doesn't like TV at all, but he does like Elmo."

Okey Dokey then---so I had to run up to Michael's and get some Aida cloth and two skeins of floss.  I found a picture on the Internet--for a cross stitch pattern--free download.  (Have you noticed--you can find ANYTHING on the Internet?)  I thought Elmo was red, but the color on the pattern was kind of pinkish?  So I went into Google and typed in, "what color is Elmo" and up came pictures and said he was reddish orange.  (I just so happen to really love the Internet--the world's biggest encyclopedia!!!

Just as I was leaving, Dar came over.  She had a Howell Melon with her--so named because they are grown in this area and also to give the little city of Howell another reason to have a summer festival, just 6 weeks after the hot air balloon fest!  It's nothing but a muskmelon, but--it is the size of a watermelon!!  She gave me half.  It is the sweetest muskmelon I have ever tasted.  Should last me half a month to eat!!!!!

Michael's has moved and I found the store.  HUGE--right next to the JoAnn's store and Bed, Bath and Beyond.  Love it.  If I can't find it at Michael's I can just walk to JoAnn's!!  I got my cloth and the floss and then ran on up to the ink jet refill store and got me a color and a black one.

Came home, three minutes before my soap was to start.  Then after that, the Detroit Tigers were playing against Oakland for the last game in a 4 game series.  Oakland won the first three--which is not good as we are trying to win the American League title.  Last inning, 6-4, we are behind.  Dang it!!  Then we get a couple on base and my new favorite Tiger Torii Hunter comes up to bat and puts a walk off homer into the seats!!!  YAY.

I wanted to walk down to Pearl's, take back her phone and see how Merle was doing.  I saw her car was home.  On down I trotted and walked in.  Tiger, her nasty cat, ran out to greet me.  He bites everyone, including Merle and Pearl.  He however doesn't bite me.  Probably because I don't make any sudden moves at him, don't try to swoop him up in my arms, and let him come to me.  So we "talked" for a minute and I walked into the living room and....................there was Merle, sitting in his chair, reading the local paper.

He had the stress test this morning, both tread mill and injected Thallium and there is nothing wrong with his heart!!!  Great news!!  However, they want him to get to a cardiologist and get a Holter Monitor and wear it for a month!  AND GUESS WHAT??  They are going to Dr. Leonen, Fred's cardiologist!!!  (The doc I suggested they go to.)

His office is at the little hospital, 1.5 miles up the road.  I am so happy!!!  Dr. Leonen is fantastic--one of the top doggies at the BIG hospital in Ann Arbor, but comes to the Michigan Heart office here, twice a week.  He saved Fred's life! No doubt about it.  Fred loved him, as do I and I think Merle will too.  YAY!

Merle said there are three or four guys where he works that have A-Fib episodes often--monthly and the day Merle had his, he was sitting in the club house and drinking coffee, because it was raining outside.  He doesn't drink coffee at home, but that morning had 5 cups of coffee.  

I said, "Hm-mm.  Think all that caffeine might have kicked your heart rate up a bit, Bunky?"

"Might have." (He's a man of few words.)

Pearl is still angry at him that he didn't tell her when he had the other ones.

I told Merle, "Well, A-Fib is not life threatening.  Many people have it for years and take medicine for it.  It can cause a stroke if it goes unchecked however--so you get it all checked out and Dr. Leonen will get you  fixed up!!"

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I came home feeling really good about everything!!  I walked into my yard and put my garbage pail away and saw these:

Wanna know what they are called?  Are you sure?  

Dog Penis Mushrooms.  For obvious reasons, I suppose.  

They are said to be a delicacy to eat (UGH!!) and in Medieval England they were called Devil's Penis, because it look like the Devil was sticking his doohickey up through the earth from Hell.  LOL

They stink like a son-of-a-gun and are sometimes called Stink Horn.  I found this definition in the World's Largest Encyclopedia--otherwise called, The Internet!!

"This small member of the Phallaceae family emerges from an off-white egg-like fruiting body that lies half buried in leaf litter on the woodland floor. White mycelial cords (rhizomorphs), are often visible beneath this 'egg', which is 2–4 cm (0.8–1.6 in) high, and 1–2 cm (0.4–0.8 in) wide.^[4] The 'egg' has a tough outer skin (peridium), which covers a gelatinous inner layer, which in turn protects the fully formed, but unexpanded fruiting body. When the ‘egg’ splits open the fungus expands rapidly (usually within a few hours), to its full height of 10–12 cm (4–5 in). It is around 1 cm (0.4 in) thick, and is either yellowish-white, yellow, or pale orange. The split egg is retained as a volva-like sack, at the base. The column is very fragile, pitted, and cylindrical. It has a pointed tip, and is usually curved. The tip is covered in the spore bearing matter (gleba) which is a dark olive-brown paste, and has a smell which is irresistible to insects. (These insects help distribute the spores on their bodies, and in their stomachs.) Beneath the spore mass the tip is dark orange. Although its smell is not as strong as the related common stinkhorn (Phallus impudicus), it has been described as smelling like cat feces."

That is your biology/botany/fungi lesson for the day.  Enjoy.

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As I was leaving for town, I got the mail out of my mail box.  There was a small envelope and it was from Jennifer.  I went to open it and then decided to wait.  Who knew what might be in it and if it was something snarky or bad--I didn't want to read it before I went shopping.

I just remembered it and opened it up.

When I was making sun catchesr, I had purchased a very large box of beads.  Some of those beads had glitter sparkles in them and they did not melt very well.  I gave the box to Pammie and asked if she would give it Elise to play with.  Pammie later told me that Elise was so excited to get them.  That made me feel good.

This was the note inside the small envelope.

I can't figure out if Elise wrote it or Jen--the handwriting looks like Jen's, but maybe so does Elise'. I wonder if Jen even told the kids that they wouldn't be seeing Mimi anymore because the note almost sounds like she wonders why she hasn't seen me all summer, but hopes to see me soon.   

I hope so too!!

I don't want to read anything into this, but I wonder--is the glacier melting?  Evan's birthday is in four weeks--are they having a party?  Is this to pave the way for me to be invited? On second 10th reading, it looks like Elise wrote it because Jen would not mis-spell forward (foward.)  Anyway, Jen knows, because she is the one who mailed it from her work office!!!

I can only hope and....continue to pray for reconciliation.

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I just remembered (11:00 p.m.) this is a holiday weekend here in the US.  So if any of you are doing that sort of thing--or whatever one does on a holiday weekend--we always stayed off the roads--be safe, have fun and next week--it is going to be much cooler here!  YAY!!

A Really Nice Tuesday

The high temperature today was:  82 degrees

Today's humidity was: 67%

Sunny--kind of.  Cloudy at times.  Humidity is hanging heavy!

Hate this weather!

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I just looked at the title.  The only thing wrong with it, is it is Wednesday and that means garbage take out day and it is going on midnight and I forgot.  So----I'll be right back.

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"Where do I begin, to tell the story of how great a" .......never mind.  If you read music you will see that those notes are not the correct ones for the song...........anyway....

The new meds--working better--not so crooked in the head in the morning.  However, for about two hours after I wake up, I have like this 4 inch wooden block squarely in the middle of my forehead--between my skull and my brain.  Ever have that feeling?  I sleep well with them, but I am very groggy and I don't wake up very early.  This getting up at 10:30, means by this time of night I am just getting started, which in turn means I got to bed around 3:00 a.m., which means I get up at 10:30--see the vicious circle here?

I just found out that there was a small tornado in Brighton last evening--when I was seeing the yellowish-green sky to the south?  When I read the account and saw where it hit--just 2.5 short miles south of me!  YIKES!!!  Over by the high school AND I just got a Face Book message from my grand girl Madeleine that they were at marching band practice on the football field, exactly one mile from where it made its touch down.  She didn't say if they ran for cover--but I think with the torrential rain we had, they had to do something.  Maybe run under the bleachers--or into the bathrooms?

==============================

Merle has had: EKG's, Echo cardiogram, CAT scan, x-rays, blood work ad infinitum, stress test, both with the treadmill and with the Thallium and...NOTHING IS SHOWING UP!!!  They are mystified.  I think he probably should get a heart catheterization--maybe they will think to do that--I sure hope so.  (But I am not mentioning it!!!)  He's been having A-Fib episodes for the last six months!  They need to find out why and correct it--in my opinion.

Pearl is not liking sleeping alone--the first time in 5 years since she was in hospital for a few days.  I turn on my bathroom light and bedroom light which she can see from her bedroom, so when she goes to bed, she knows I am still awake and not far away if she needs me.  Hey--I'm up until 3:00 anyway.

I went to the Rich People's store today--so much fun!!  The new meds seem to be working as I picked up a cat toy--so cute and then thought, "You do not need that," and put it back.  I was also looking on line for something and found it and filled in the order information and then thought, "You do not need that" and clicked off.  One of my problems the last six months is the buying of things I do not need--want perhaps, but do not need.  It has scared me.  Picture this, awake at 2:30, on the internet and found a really neat (I can't even remember now) something and ordered it.  At 6:00 I woke up again, ran in her, turned on the computer and quickly canceled the order.  HOW NUTZ IS THAT!!!  Manic behavior, I think.

I also have not said anything outrageous or inappropriate since last Friday at the shrinks.  I still think them, but I don't speak them.  I would walk by people in the Wal-Mart and say stupid stuff.  Like, one time, a fat guy at the milk chest, he was holding two quarts of milk in his hand.  One was Fat Free, the other was 2%, so as I stroll by, I say, "Better get the Fat Free."  GOOD GRIEF.  He did laugh and didn't punch me out, but that sort of thing comes out of my mouth.  Or post links or stupid, idiotic things on Face Book and then go back in a few minutes and delete the post.  OR--my all time favorite--A lady was in the Wal-Mart toy section and when I came around the corner, I saw her stuff something in her pants pocket.  So I casually walk by and say, "Don't forget--camera everywhere.  Big Brother is watching."  Schizophrenia? 

Anyway, I am not doing that kind of crap anymore so I am grateful for the new meds.  I will get use to them so they don't bother my balance as much in--oh--about two weeks?

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Sweet Cherries or Bing Cherries--whatever.

The cherries the first of the season were from Washington state.

Then in July, I got some Michigan cherries.

Now--coming to the end of the season, these are from British Columbia, Canada.

So far--the ones from Washington state have been the best.

Did you know to put all your fresh veggies and fruit in a tub of water with 1/2 cup white vinegar to get any germs/bacteria off?  Also takes off the wax they use on cucumbers and apples, etc.  I just found out about it and do it all the time now.

Have you ever seen a brick of gold?

Why is this rotated the wrong way?

$19.99 a pound!!!!

I paid $13.00 because of my store card.

Tender Loin--Filet Mignon

Look at how thick that is.   (Quit drooling on your keyboard)!

It is the end of the month and I had grocery money left over, so..........................protein.  The first nice hunk of beef I have had in a very long time.  Should get two meals off it.  A once a year treat?  However I can justify the expense!!!

...and for dessert?  A slice of Cherry-Rhubarb pie from the

Grand Traverse Pie Company--warmed up a bit in the microwave?

PRICELESS!!!

and I STILL HAVE $15.00 left over in my grocery money envelope!!

                   which got put in the gas tank of my car because that dang yellow lighted up gas pump 

                   signal-emblem on my dash board needed to stop bugging me.

$3.79 per gallon--SAY WHAT??  Get that dang pipeline from Canada built and get some gasoline down this way!!  

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On the way home I stopped at Pearl's and gave her phone back and chatted for awhile.  She was home for two hours and then going back up to hospital.  She is very weary!!  Remember--she can barely walk from her place, across the street to the mail box and now, she has to walk from car, to hospital entrance, another 50 feet to the elevator and then to Merle's room.  I have been trying and trying to get her to take Fish Oil/Omega 3 for her arthritis.  It would help her heart and most probably her memory.  She will buy some stupid diet pill off the TV, but she keeps "forgetting" to pick up a bottle of Fish Oil at the Wal-Mart.  I want to just buy them for her, but...............that "taking charge", being "teacher of the world", is also a bad trait I am trying to over come.

=======================

Oh--I gotta tell you.

       Two weeks ago Pearl signed up with Comcast.  She bundled her (non-existent) phone and high speed internet and TV.  I told you her computer isn't working--does not have enough memory for the high speed interest AND she had to go out and buy a land line phone, which also quit working last week.  SO--I suggested a whole lot of things, which she didn't want to do, so I shut my mouth--let her figure it out.

I brought her phone home with me Sunday, because, I had a feeling it wasn't the phone, but rather the phone line.  She was cussing it out.  "Brand new phone and the damn thing doesn't work!"  I pulled the phone cord out of my phone and plugged it into hers and got a dial tone, so I called her on it.  Apparently she didn't recognized (HER OWN PHONE NUMBER) caller I.D, so when she picked up, she said, "Who is this!"

"It's me.  I am calling you on your phone.  It works perfectly."

"Then why doesn't it work here?"

"Maybe something wrong with your phone line."

"I'm not using that damn phone or the computer ever again!!!"

"Good idea.  Now you can call Comcast and have them un-bundle you and just have cable for your TV."

"I can do that?  I don't have to have them all together to make the TV work?"

<SIGH>

"Nope.  You will save money not paying for things that you don't need."

Then, her cell phone quit and she couldn't figure out why.  She needed a new battery, but her phone is so old that the battery place can't find one that will work.  So--today she told me, her daughter is going to get her a Smart Phone and she can make calls and she can get her e-mails and play her games on it and everything!

YAY!!!  Everything will be all right now--until the phone doesn't work like she thinks it should and she will start thinking it is out to get her (purposefully), like she thought about her computer.  She honestly thinks that when she turns on her computer and it doesn't work right--it is because, "it recognizes me and so it won't work just to make me frustrated."  Honest!

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  I have my T.E.N.S. device on my left scapula and upper shoulder because, apparently someone thought that she just had to lift that heavy plastic storage box with 100 years worth of cross stitch books in it.  DUH!!

Judy--go to bed!!

Not Booooooring!

Today's high temperature was: 83 degrees

Today's humidity was: 69%

Tonight's temperature is 77 with humidity of 97%!!

Humid--way too humid--torrential rain tonight.

Too much thunder--ear plugs in!!!

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So--I am back because today was not boring.  It could have been a bit boring, which would have been good, because it turned out to be way to hectic!  Why can't life just be calm and smooth every day with just enough interest to keep us awake and not so much to cause us stress?

I have been on the new med for 3 days.  I take it at night and I do sleep well--too well--but, when I wake up in the morning I am groggy.  My head and face feels like they are sort of mis-shaped--kind of like---

Eyes sort of crossed--like I am sort of crooked?  Anyway--I am not to stable--dizzy and not good balance for a couple of hours.

I heard a car honking outside my house, so I staggered to the door, thankfully I was dressed, and there was Pearl.

"Merle is in the emergency ward.  Come with me!"

""I gotta go potty--I will be right there."

So I ran in the bathroom and she kept honking the car horn, and I grabbed my purse, car horn honking, and ran out the door.

"Will you hurry up!"  she yelled.

So I jumped into her car and off she went--cut across the corner of my neighbor's lawn and narrowly missed the next neighbor's mail box--she was driving as usual.  She got out on the road in front and immediately got into the LEFT TURN LANE--because in, oh let's say, 1.5 miles she was going to have to turn left into the hospital parking lot.  Down the road we fly--I am hanging onto the door handle---

"Hanging on for dear life, are ya?"

"No--it's just that my door isn't shut and I didn't want to fall out."

Into the driveway she whizzes--unfortunately, it is to the office buildings that house the doctors and about 500 feet from the hospital driveway.  She curses, and then meanders around the offices until she finds a back way into the hospital emergency room parking area.

We rush in--I have never seen her walk that fast in her life!!!  We get back to the room Merle is in--laying there all comfortable in bed, watching "Amish Mafia" and Pearl rushes up to him and says, "You don't do this to me, Merle!  I have told you and God--I am going first!  Don't you dare die on me!!"

Okay--not quite the way I would greet someone who may be having a heart attack, but.....

"I'm still here," he says.

I walk in behind her and he smiles--I walk over and take his hand and look at him.  "You look pretty good to me.  Your color is great."

Then I look up at the monitor--"I can tell you one thing Mister--you are not having a heart attack!!  Your oxygen saturation is 100 percent.  Your respiration is 18 and your heart rate is 62 beats per minutes."

I think that made them both feel better because they know that I am the ALL POWERFUL OZ when it comes to reading heart monitors and knowing what goes on with a heart patient.  LOL.

He was having tachycardia--arterial fibrillation--rapid heart beat.  Long story short--he has been having these episodes for about six months.  When he went for his annual check-up last month, he didn't bother to tell the doctor because he felt fine "at the time."  When he had it today, he decided to drive to hospital so they could check it out while it was happening.  There was no enzyme in his blood work to point to a heart attack HOWEVER--it did show that he might have a blood clot in his lung.  Off he went for a CAT scan of his lungs---Echo cardiogram of his heart.

He was hungry and I told him, "You can't eat while they are doing the tests."

When the doc came in, Pearl demanded they get him something to eat.  The doctor said, "You can't eat while we are doing the tests."  Pearl was pissed.

Then, I reminded them of the day last February, when he got up in the morning and got half way down the hallway and dropped to his knees because his heart was beating rapidly and he couldn't breathe.  Neither one of them remembered--SAY WHAT???  So, now I have to look it up in my written journal so I can get the date, because, the doc wants to know when this all started.

When Pearl heard him say he'd been having these episodes for quite a while, she slapped him on his arm--really hard.  "Why didn't you tell me?"  Then she looked at me, "Why wouldn't he tell me?  Damn men--all alike.  Would rather fall over dead then share that kind of news with their wife!!"

So--they went back and forth a bit--I never knew how they relate to each other, but I got a good glimpse today...still chuckling about it.

They decided to transport him to a "real" hospital.  I was so hoping he'd go to the main one in Ann Arbor, where Fred always went, but he decided to go to the branch hospital  up in Howell--where the title, "The hospital where you come to die," is commonly said all over this area.

So--by now it is 2:30 and I offered to drive his truck home.

"Can you drive a stick shift?" asks Merle.

"Of course I can.  Remember me--the farm girl?  I drove the trucks all the time!"

So out I go--the keys to the UNLOCKED truck are laying on THE FRONT SEAT.  I get in and remember, sure I know how to drive a stick shift--I think I remember how to drive a stick shift--it has been thirty years since I drove a stick shift.

Do I push in the clutch and the brake when I start it?  Had to think and go through some of the motions.  Okay--first is up and left, second is left and down, third up and right, fourth down and right.  Got it!  Now--where is reverse?      I got it home and never lurched, so---I CAN drive a stick shift!!

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The phone was ringing when I walked in the door.  My sister.  "It rained over night.  The ground is easier to dig.  Do you want to bury Fred today?"

"Sure."  (I guess.  Not really.  But--okay.)

"We have to run into town.  Meet us at the cemetery at five-thirty.  Okay?"

"Yipper Skipper.  See ya."

So--I loaded Fred into the back seat and the heavy cement angel dog statue.  Went potty.  Put more water in the cats dish.  Grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator.  Wrote a note for Pearl.  Stopped at her house to leave the note and make sure her cat had food, petted him and off I went.

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Forty minutes later, I pulled into the cemetery.  Chuck and Susan were there, clipping grass from around our family stones.  Fred and I spent Christmas Day with Chuck and Susan, two years ago.  They went back to Binghamton, NY on December 30th.  Fred died New Years day and when I called to tell her, she wanted to turn around and drive back and I told her not too.  So---after Fred's marker was in place at the cemetery, two weeks ago, I asked them to pick a day that was convenient for them to bury him.  We wanted a day when the ground wouldn't be dry and hard.

Chuck measured Fred's "casket" and started digging and it was like he was digging in top soil.  It wasn't full of clay and it wasn't hard to dig.  I probably could have done it myself, but I kind of wanted them involved.

(I hope these pictures don't offend.  Remember, this is now my journal, as I can't write anymore with my arthritic right hand.  So I am putting here, thoughts and pictures that I normally would put in my private, paper, written journal.)

Yes--I know--I look terrible.  You cannot believe how heavy ashes can be!!

Chuck measuring the hole--because, after all he was an engineer.

Inside, Tootz the dog's ashes, in a nice tin box 

with paw prints on it. 

Fred's ashes, a picture of the two of them, 

inside a Ziplock bag, and a letter I wrote.

Then, Chuck wanted me to put in the first few shovels of dirt.  And then Susan wanted to also.

Chuck filled in the rest and put the sod back on top, I got to tamp it down.  

I apologized to Fred for stomping on him and then.....

My sister said these words--that she knew by heart (!!)

John 14

King James Version (KJV)

14 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.

2 In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

Chuck had his hat off and told Fred, "Don't worry.  Michael Waltrip is still racing and the Tigers are doing great this year!"  and then Susan said, "Fred, we all miss you so much. Everyone in our family loved you and we are so happy that you can still be with us--here in our family's place of rest."  Then I said, "Thanks for the best seven years of my life, Sweetheart.  I love you."

Then we joined hands and said the Lord's Prayer.  Then I said, "I should have brought my French Horn so I could have played Taps."  (Because you know how irreverent I am!

and.......it is done and he is at rest.

Then we went back to their place, The Farm, where they are finally getting their new siding put on, had supper and I drove home--IN THE WORST RAIN STORM EVER!!!  AND IT WAS DARK AND I DO NOT DRIVE WELL IN THE DARK AND WITH THE RAIN COMING DOWN CATS AND DOGS--I sang, "Be not dismayed what 'ere betide, God will take care of you. Beneath His wings of love abide, God will take care of you.  God will take care of you, in every way, ore all the day, He will take care of you.  God will take care of you." and he did and I made it and stopped in to see Pearl and Merle DOES NOT have a blood clot in his lung, but they are keeping him a few days for a stress test and observation.  YAY!!  Personally, I think he may need a PaceMaker/Defibrillator,  or even a stent, but I did not mention that to Pearl.  She is just happier that he isn't going before her---------Okay!

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It feels so good to me to have Fred buried.  To feel that he is finally, really at peace.  

While, I do not like cremation--it just creeps me out!  I KNOW--it is just a body.  His soul has already gone to Heaven.  But, his physical body is the one I knew and adored and to have him put in a oven...........

.....sorry--can't stand it.

I remember something the mortician told me when my Mother died.  Mortician's can be weird, you know.  I think it goes along with their kind of work.  They talk "shop" sometimes when they should say nothing!!  Anyway he said, "If you opened your Mother's casket, twenty years from now, she would look just like she looks today."  That was actually very reassuring to me.  I'd go to the cemetery and stand by her grave and know that...she still looked beautiful.  Of course, on the 20th anniversary of her death, I got a bit nauseous and creeped out, but............

I just didn't like the idea of his ashes sitting out on the end table or on my bedroom dresser. It felt almost disrespectful to me.  He was not "at rest".  

 I know a lot of widows who keep their husband's ashes in a nice urn on the mantle, or have a shrine set up, but.......I have always feared, the house burning down or a tornado taking it away.  What would be left?  Nothing!  Fred would be "lost" again--truly lost.  So---to me it just feels better to know where  his remains are and that he is safe from everything.  Unless, of course, when the aliens come and do their archaeological research and dig up our graves to see how we took care of our dead and find-------------Fred and his dog buried together?  Separate containers, but yet together. They may wonder what a strange and weird people we were.

Hopefully, before that happens, the Son will come from the east and the graves will open and Fred and I will look at each other and say, "Thank God--together again.  I have missed you!!"  and Jesus will say, "Thank God indeed!"

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Sorry I have been so wordy today--maybe tomorrow I will be quieter or have nothing to say.