How Many Times Have I Said--A Strange and Weird Day?

It rained "leaves" over night.

I got a frantic call from Dar at 10:45 this morning.

"Judy, my Dad just called me!  He never calls me at work.  He never calls anyone!  Go over there and see if he is all right and call me back!"
<"yessah boss">

I got my jacket on and my shoes.  I got the mail out of the mail box and walked down, figuring I'd tell him I was out getting my mail and decided to walk up to see how things were going.

I rang the doorbell.  Nothing.  No footsteps, but I could hear the TV.

It takes an old person quite a while to walk to the front door.  So, I rang the bell again.  Nothing.

So I opened the storm door and knocked--really hard and loud on the inside door.  Nothing.

I knocked again.  With my fist this time.  Nothing.

Maybe he is laying down?  Maybe he is in the bathroom?  Maybe he is taking a nap?

So I came back and called Dar.

"Oh, you should have just walked in.  The door isn't locked."

"I wouldn't walk into some one's house."

"I walk into yours all the time!"

"That's different.  I'd probably scare him!"

"Did you peek in any of the windows to see if you could see him?"

"No!"

"Oh gosh!  I wonder if he is all right."

"Well, I think you should come home.  Tell him you forgot your lunch or something and check on him."

"Good idea.  I'll do that."

GEEZ OH PETE!
================

He's fine.  The house phone rang.  He didn't know how to answer it, and thought it was Dar.  So he called her on his cell phone, but didn't leave a message.  She saw the missed call, went into panic mode--per usual--and called me, instead of calling him back to see what he wanted.

She came home on the pretense she had forgotten her pills.  She also told him that the home phone is only for people to leave messages and for him not to answer it.

All was quiet in the neighborhood the rest of the morning.
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I watched my Soap and had a strange experience.  There are 3 young 10 year old kids on the show--have been on since they were 4.  Saw them just the other day.  Today on the Soap, the kids were suddenly 16 years old!  No one else has grown older and only moments had passed in the script, but overnight, these kids age-progressed 6 years!

I kind of felt like Rip Van Winkle!!
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Sun and 65 degrees came out at 2:00 so I went out and finished up my garden clean up.  Ripped out all the annuals on the porch pots, put the pots away in the shed, along with garden ornaments, porch furniture and rug.  Filled bird feeders and put my snow shovel on the porch.  Sure looks bare out there!

August

October 21st.

Instead of making 4 back-breaking trips to the storage shed in back, I decided I could do it in two.  

At times I am a lazy idiot!!  Hurt my shoulder again.  Back hurts, but it wouldn't have hurt anymore after 4 trips than it did after 2.
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So Joe Biden finally made a decision.  Shoot!  I wanted someone around to harass Hiliary and the communist socialist Bernie.  Democrats campaign is going to be so boring!

On the other side of the fence, Paul Ryan says he doesn't want to be Speaker of the House and is making so many demands so neither caucus will nominate him.  I hope he doesn't take that office, I think it would really ruin his life.  He seems to be such a nice young man. 

The Republicans have a Freedom Caucus and a Liberty Caucus.  Compromised of about 40-80 members of the GOP.  Freedom Caucus is ultra Conservative, Tea Party I think and the Liberty Caucus not much difference.  I don't like either of these Cauci.  What happened to the Moderates when you need them?
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In other news--I am over the emotional roller coaster I was on for two weeks.  3.5 years out and I was grieving for Fred more than I ever did that first awful year.  Tears just came at the most inopportune time.  Visiting The Farm.  Talking to Pearl.  Sitting in my chair watching TV.  At night, when I went to bed.  This weepiness wasn't brought on by memories of Fred.  I don't know what brought it on!  It was so crazy that I thought I WAS going crazy.  

Days--even weeks can go by and I don't think of him.  I have nothing in my house that is a constant reminder of him.  It's not like I am still cleaning out his "stuff"--that was done the first month after he died.  I don't know what brought it on, but I sure am glad I am over it!!!
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Speaking of Fred--although this has not one thing to do with him---there is a young man that manages the gas station up the road--where I get gas for the car and milk or supplies sometimes.  I see him every time I go inside.  His name is Jeff and we always say "Hi" and "How ya doing".

Yesterday at the Food Bank, he was there volunteering.  I was kind of embarrassed to see someone I knew who would thus know that I am poor, but he greeted me and pushed my cart out to my car and loaded the stuff into the trunk.

I thanked him and then he asked, "Ya wanna go out for a beer some night?"

I was stunned and shocked, but managed to squeak out, "Thanks, but no.  I don't..dah.... drink."  I meant to say "date", but then realized that he's too young to be asking me on a date and changed the words before they came out of my mouth.

He might be 50!    Most of my kids are older than he is!  So, of course, for the rest of the day I wondered, "What was his motive?"  I have become so suspicious in my old age.  He certainly knows I don't have any money if I am begging at the Food Bank.  Is he looking for a Mother figure?  A Grandma?  He knew Fred so perhaps he thinks the lonely widow would be craving some hot sex?

Creeped me out and now I want to go to a different gas station so I don't ever have to see him again.

GEEZ OH PETE!!

Dar keeps trying to foist me off on her father. He told her that I was a "fine looking woman" and wondered if I would be interested.   

Aren't I lucky?  I either have a 94 year old interested in taking me out to supper or a 50 year old wanting to take me out for a beer, or the neighbor's husband (Merle) who tries to get a hug so he can put his hand on the side of my boob!
Excuse me now--I have to go throw up!

A Mixed Bag of Tricks

What a day!!

I had one bag of leaves out for the yard waste people to pick-up today.  Meant to get all my annuals pulled up and in another bag--missed it.  Oh well, I will have to wait for two weeks for their next pick-up.

An appointment at the food bank at 11:30.  Found a nice bag of fresh vegetable mix: cauliflower, broccoli, baby carrots.  Another bag of fresh lettuce salad makings.  A nice pouch of chicken, to put in the salad and a small beef English Cut roast to add to the veggies.  Nice container of Muskmelon spears--nowadays, it is called Cantaloupe.  One cinnamon roll, detergent, toilet paper and 1# sugar.  No cat litter this time--drats!!  

Up to Wal-Mart to get some milk, Diet Pepsi and mailing boxes.--$23.67

Home to watch Soap and then up to Pearl's.

I quit fighting with Face Book on trying to retrieve her password.  Plus her old e-mail addy was in there as her user name.

I jumped into gmail and made her an account.  

Then back to Face Book to set up a new account, sent a bunch of friend requests and found her games.

Set up a new account with new gmail address and new password at her bank.

Set up (partially) an Amazon.com account.  Watch out world!!!
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While I was there, Dar and her Dad walked into Pearl's.

"I'm hunting for Judy.  Is she here?"

Pearl said, "She's back in the bedroom, working on my computer."

So Dar walks all the way back and says, "Go home now.  Dad and I want to visit you."

"I can't just yet.  I gotta get this finished."

"Okay."  and she goes back out into the living room to chat with Merle and Pearl.

I stopped what I was doing and walked out to the living room.

"I got your Face Book going, Pearl.  I gotta go home and put away my groceries and take some Alka Seltzer, my stomach is bad."

I waited until I saw Dar and her Dad leave--watching to see if they were coming this way.  They weren't.  They got in the car and drove away, so I hot-footed it back up to Pearl's to finish the computer job.

"Thanks a lot!  Running away so I had to entertain!"

"Hey--she was bugging the heck out of me."

"She acted like she wanted to talk, but there's no conversation with that woman!  It's all about her.  I asked her Dad two questions, which she answered for him."

"Yeah.  I know.  She has done that to me before.  I was talking with her and her friend Sheila and Sheila asked me a question and Dar answered for me.  Then another question, which Dar answered.  I turned to her and said, 'Dar, I am perfectly capable of answering for myself.' "

"I like her father though."

"Yeah--he's pretty cool."
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I forgot to tell you I got the clothes in my bedroom closet switched around for winter and while in there, drained and flushed the water heater.

No, that's not blood.  Rust out of the tank. 
Plus lime you can't see.

Tonight John and Maisey stopped by for a Porch Chat.  It was so warm today and this evening.  John and I got to laughing so hard, I hope the neighbors didn't wonder what was going on!

John said that he saw Dar this morning on his walk and she was sighing and carrying on about her father visiting her for "Three weeks!  I had planned on two, but now...my brother has extended his vacation, so I have to have Dad for three weeks!"

A Day Full of Blessings.

I had a great day today.

Woke up at 8:00, showered and started laundry.  Played some games on Face Book and enjoyed the sun coming in the front windows.

The neatest thing--I think I told you I am making genealogy books for my kids for Christmas.  They have turned out really well.  I love the special paper I printed them on--it's kind of glossy, a bit thick--like a magazine page.

I was worried at how much it would cost to have the pages combed (punched), the spiral and a front and back cover, so this afternoon, I took one up to the print shop.  The lady asked me how many pages, which determined the size of the spiral, what color back cover I wanted.  I chose navy blue with a clear plastic front cover.

She said, "Do you want to wait for it?  I can do it right now."

So, I watched her--it took almost 7 minutes.

WOW--it looked so nice!'

She went over to the computer/cash register and started clicking in figures.  I opened up my envelope, where I keep my miscellaneous money and pulled out a twenty dollar bill.

"That will be five twenty."

"Excuse me?  Twenty-five, twenty?"

"No.  Five dollars and twenty cents."

"WHAT?  Oh, that can't be enough."

"Yup.  A dollar for the front clear cover, thirty-five cents for the back cover,   Two dollars and fifty cents for the coil and not quite a dollar to punch it and tax."

I just about started crying!!!  I have 5 books.  I thought it would cost twenty dollars a book = hundred dollars.  Instead it is going to cost me twenty-five dollars for all the books!

Yes!  Blessings are just pouring all over me.
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When I left there, I went up the road to get gas for the car: $2.34.  Glad I waited because Friday, it was $2.45.  Twenty bucks filled it up!!

Then I went to the bank, took out some of my knit/crochet money, came home and put cash in the appropriate budget envelopes and still had some left over to take my Grandson Alex out for his birthday this week.

You cannot imagine how wonderful it is to look in my envelopes and see the money increasing each month, toward my car repairs and my glasses.  Plus, I got my doctor paid off and I only owe 50 to the Chiropractor and 65 to the dentist, which I will pay off next month.

The daily worry over money for the last three years, has been lifted. No--I don't have a lot of extra money, but when I get my debts paid off and my car fixed, I just might have a bit extra each month.  Then I can once again think about saving toward a new recliner or mattress or being able to go out for supper.  

This "job" has been a life saver and a real blessing for me.

I got home and there was a call on my phone to remind me of my appointment at the food bank tomorrow morning.  YAY!  I used the last of my milk Saturday, and I am out of laundry detergent and bathroom tissue.

More blessings.

Then  Pearl came down.  I made Apple Cake Saturday and took them some yesterday.  She brought back my plastic container and half a loaf of bread she had baked.

We had a really nice 90 minute chat.  She asked me if I would please come up and try and get her Face Book account up and running.  Her daughter seems to be too busy to stop in and do it.  Pearl has had her computer home for 3 weeks and still can't access it.  

I am just going to delete her account and start over, but I don't know if I can.  I will need her password and no one remembers what it is.  I don't really know how I am going to do any of this, but I sure am going to try.  Her daughter's are a lot like mine.  Her oldest daughter hasn't spoken to Pearl in 18 months and Pearl has no idea why.  She had tried to call her daughter, but the daughter won't pick up her phone.

So Pearl asked her youngest daughter, Marge, if she knew what was bugging Cathy and Marge said she didn't.  Pearl thinks she does but just won't tell her--in case it might be hurtful.

"If I knew what was wrong, I could fix it."

"Maybe not," I said.

"Well with Cathy, it was probably something I said.  I gotta walk on egg shells around her."

"Sounds familiar."

"What's wrong with our girls?  They use to think we were their counselors.  They shared so much with us.  Now, they just think we are old and decrepit and don't know anything."

"I was thinking the same thing the other day."

"Well, I didn't treat my Mother with that kind of disrespect, even though she was critical and nasty to me.  When she had a stroke, I brought her to my house and took care of her for another ten years!"

"I know.  When you and I have a stroke, it will be, 'put the woman in the nursing home and fahgetaboutit.' "

"Maybe you and I can share a room."

Then she chatted about Merle and she thinks he's pretending to be weak just so he doesn't have to relate to her.

"He goes to work everyday and doesn't seem to have a problem there, but the minute he gets home, he's in bed and sleeps the rest of the day.  Then he gets up for supper, afterwards, he sits in his chair and stares at the TV until bedtime.  He doesn't talk to me.  If I ask him a question, he won't answer and just mumbles."

"I wouldn't like that either.  He's probably tired out from working all morning."

"You should see him when Marge comes over.  She sits down and he just perks right up and talks to her and, blab, blab, blab.  Then she leaves and he goes back to being silent.  Sometimes...I'd just like to smack him in his head and say, 'Hello.  Is anyone in there?' "

I do understand her frustration with him.  

I also consider it another blessing that I don't have to put up with someone like that.

Placated, I Suppose

e-mail from Karen:

"How about we communicate via phone or in person? It's much preferred, I think, to be able to communicate well.

I hope you know you can call me anytime. I might not always be able to get to my phone, but it is always great to hear your voice.

Be well, Mom, love you"

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She's right of course!  

Usually though when I get the emotional crack-ups, it is at the end of the day, and I have stewed about them for hours.

One of the worse things of living all alone.

No one to talk to at the moment I need to bounce ideas off them.

Sometimes I remind myself of Dar!!!

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I feel a bit vindicated--well not vindicated, but like I am not totally losing it.  When I told Pearl about what the women said at the lunch, her mouth dropped open.

"You mean...they all knew before you did?"

"Yes."

"I'd be mad too.  That's just not right!"

Magic.

Tonight, there was magic or something I don't understand in the air at the University of Michigan Stadium, in A2.

Score:  UofM--23.  MSU--21.  10 seconds to go.  10 SECONDS!

Michigan had the ball.  4th down.  They decided to punt the ball and put the Spartans backs against the wall.

Spartans put all 11 of their men up on the line.

The Michigan punter muffed his kick.  A Spartan name J. Watts-Jackson, grabbed the fumble, ran up the field and as the clock ticked to 00.1, ran into the end zone.

Spartans win 27-23.

I was making the same face as this kid, except I was jumping up and down screaming, "I DON'T BELIEVE IT.  I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!"

The Spartan kid that took the fumble into the end zone for the win, is in the hospital with a broken hip.

The Michigan punter that muffed the punt is getting death threats.  Idiot people in A2!
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John called at half-time wanting to know what the score was.  He does not have Cable TV--he has a TV with an antenna so he couldn't watch the game.

I invited him to come over and watch the last half.  He and Maisey came over in about 30 minutes.  I had made Apple Cake so I gave him a hunk, warmed up with some vanilla ice cream on top.

He sat on the couch and I sat in my chair and we yelled and screamed and had such a good time.

Remember me saying a while back that I wished there was a place where I could hire a guy to come and watch a ballgame with me?  I got it and it only cost a piece of Apple cake.

We had a ball!!
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You know, the sad thing to me is, Michigan had the game won.  All that punter had to do was take a knee and give State the ball on the 50 yard line and we wouldn't have had time to score.  But because the head coach, or one of the other coaches, wanted to cram that loss down our throats, they made an error in judgment.

Me and My Shadow.

Geez oh Pete!  

I guess it will just be better if I refrain from telling my children ANY of my feelings.  My friend thought it might be good for me and them, if I were a bit more open with my kids.  Expressing my feelings of the loneliness I feel being excluded from their lives, or that I'm not as independent as I try to make them think I am.  Trying to get back that close-knit family that used to be.

I had lunch with my high school gal pals Thursday.  I hadn't been the last two months.  I figured now that I know my son's cancer treatment is going well, I'd tell them that he has cancer, BUT he is doing okay. When I made the statement, they all started nodding their heads.  Come to find out--they have ALL known since late July.

One of my friends said, "I think we all knew before you did."

Apparently, when my ex went to his class reunion, he told all his friends.  Some of the same friends I have lunch with.  So, while I was absent from the lunches, this was discussed and apparently they all knew I was not to be told.

So, when asked, "Why didn't your kids tell you?'  or "Why didn't Mark tell you?"  I tried to brush it off with a flip,"Mark didn't want anyone to know and they know I would blab it all over."  Ha Ha.

What I really felt was complete embarrassment.  Who else in this group has family problems that are kept from them?  None.  How long has this group been gossiping about me?  What else don't I know?

When you have known people since the first day of Kindergarten, they have a certain perception of you.  I think that perception remains to this day.  We kind of expect each other to talk and act like we always have--since high school on.  Since I am not close to any of them, except Beth who I had already told about Mark, I almost felt like a couple of them took pleasure in the fact that they knew before me.

Like their ages old perception of me had changed.  No longer was I (incorrectly) perceived as having this tight, close-knit family that shared all.

I don't know.  Perhaps I am being paranoid.  I've had a lot of that lately.

Anyway, later last evening, I told my girls of what had happened and I hoped something like that never happened again in our family--that I was left out.  

Then I shared with them that lately, I have felt left out about a lot of things.  I feel kind of excluded from their family get togethers.  I don't really know what is going on, until after it is over.

This IS a new feeling, brought on 2.5+ years ago when I posted something that a cousin told Jen about and made Jen angry at me.  It's like the kids have hardly any desire to communicate with me since then.  None of them visit very often.  I think they no longer trust me.  We used to be so close.

I thought I was gentle when I voiced my feelings, but Jen blasted me!  Whoa--did she blast me.

She said that no one in our family has any respect for me.  That Mark didn't really care who knew of his cancer, just so I never knew.

Her anger comes from the idea that she looked at my blog post, after the cousin told her what I had written--well no, the cousin called my step-sister's husband to tell him and the step-sister told Jen--anyway, Jen said my blog numbers showed I had 3,600 views and that meant 3,600 people had read my post that day so, 3,600 people saw what I wrote about her.  She was going to sue me for defammation of character.

3,600 people?  I have tried to explain to her--three times now--that 3,600 "views" does NOT mean that 3,600 people read my blog that day--or any other day for that matter.

Is there a blog anywhere in this world that gets 3,600 views on one day?

Actually I went back and looked and that day, 2.4 viewed my blog post and no one commented.  None of my readers, except my cousin, even knew Jennifer!

She just refuses to listen to me.  She may be a high- fa looting attorney, but she sure doesn't know a damn thing about blogs--or what the numbers mean.  Personally?  I have never seen the numbers and don't even know where to find them.  So, I don't know what they mean either.  HAH.

Anyway, Jen is really mad and told me that all the women in my lunch group have been smiling to my face and gossiping behind my back for years.  That may be the truth.  I don't know and really don't care and really--could not care less if I ever attended another of their lunches.

Karen pipes in and says if I want to blame someone, blame Mark.

I was told by both that they didn't want any more e-mails from me.  

No where in my e-mail to them did I blame anyone!   I don't think I sounded angry, and I especially did not make any sarcastic comments.  But then once again, in a written missive, you can't see the person's facial expressions or hear their voice inflection, so--I guess they read the words and that was their perception.  

So, once again, although their Dad was the "blabber", it somehow is my fault?  Or, I shouldn't feel embarrassed that everyone in the county knew before me?  Or it's none of my business what they do together?

Because I am always totally afraid that I might say something wrong, when they DO visit or tell me something, I sit very quietly and just nod or say "oh?"  I'm so afraid of stepping on those damn egg shells.  I ask permission before I post any photos that I may be in, with them.  I try not to post too much on FB of anything because I have been told, I post too much crap and it clogs up their FB pages. 

I feel like I am living under parental control again!

So, my relationship with them probably isn't going to get any better--at least not with Jen.  I finally did get a bit angry and told her that she had no right to talk to her mother like she talks to me!  

GEEZ oh Pete!  

I never disrespected my abusive father or my horrible step-mother.  Why can't she give me the same courtesy?  She can dislike me all she wants, but she doesn't need to call me names and write such mean things to me.

Anyway--it is what it is.  I think now you can see why I don't ever ask them for help?

Just put me in a damn home and forget about me.  NO--I would never tell them that, but often, that's the way I feel.
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BUT--I have learned a lesson here--NEVER express my feelings, when I am sad, frustrated, tired--at the end of an emotionally charged day. 

Really--I think it wise, never to express my feelings at all to any of them.  Just smile and nod. 

I should have taken an Ativan and gone to bed!

Geez oh Pete!

Explanation

I posted this on Face Book this morning.  Most of you probably have no idea what it means.

It is just part of the pre-game trash talk that goes on this week.  Saturday, the two major universities in Michigan play a football game against each other.  University of Michigan versus Michigan State University.  It is a big deal.  Inter-State rivalry and all that.

Over the years, I have heard the term "Arrogant Asses of Ann Arbor" ( where the University of Michigan is located.)  It was funny and we all thought a bit of truth.  Over those years, they had beat Michigan State over and over and over, ad nauseum.  They even called us "little brother" of the State.

I lived most of my life near Lansing, where the land grant Michigan State University is located.  Of course, I was a fan of that school, had spent some time there and loved the open, green campus with the beautiful river running through it.  The campus in Ann Arbor is more in the midst of the city.

When I moved down here, 20 minutes from Ann Arbor, I heard people talk of "A2" or "A Squared".  What the heck?  It was explained to me that it mean Ann Arbor.  2 A's?  A squared?

Well,--Lah Dee Dah!

Then I met a few people from Ann Arbor and knew that my preconceived idea of their arrogance was in fact--THE TRUTH!  They appeared to be a bit haughty.  Many of them live in Brighton, work in Ann Arbor and the whole town of Brighton, appears to be haughty.  Even the sales clerks appear to tilt their heads back and look down through their glasses at you.  Ask anyone who lives in Howell, 3 miles away and they will agree.  Probably why I prefer to shop in Howell.

So--then I met Fred.  He lived somewhat close to A2 and had been dating women from the town.  He was in the process of taking down his on-line dating site profile when I accidentally found him.

Later--when I asked him why, he said, "I wasn't having very good luck.  I don't quite meet the standards of Ann Arbor women.  At first, it was fine, but when they found out I had no large amounts of money to spend on them, or take them on trips to Europe, they soon lost interest."

Oh sure, these ladies were pleased to be seen at their exclusive clubs, walking in on the arm of a tall, very handsome man, but when they found he was not a professor, doctor, lawyer or a man with money, they dropped him--although, of course, they kept him as a friend, just in case they needed a handsome escort.

At Fred's funeral, I met one of those "friends".  She walked up to me with her condolences, introducing herself, "I'm so sorry for your loss.  I am one of Fred's friends.  Judy Mason.  Judy...with an "I"."

Judi?  Jew DI?

I have a friend named Judi, but she has never gone as far as telling people, "Judi--with an I."  

And this A Squared woman was sort of head up, looking through the bottom part of her glasses at me.

Well--Lah Dee Dah.

"I live in Ann Arbor.  I'm a realtor.  Maybe we can do lunch sometime?"

I already knew she was a realtor just by looking at her.  Perfect make-up, put on with a trowel,  Perfectly arched eyebrows.  Perfect manicure.  Expensive clothes and shoes.  A2 at it's height.

As she walked away, dabbing at her eyes with her perfect lace handkerchief, my thought was, "She must be wondering.  'How did Fred end up with such a yokel.' "
======================
So, this week, that "city south east of here", as I refer to it, is on their best Arrogance Asses performance.  They have a new coach and he is weird, but his loud, crazy actions have spurred on the team and the entire town.  They KNOW they will win on Saturday, and they very well might.  Although we have trounced them the last six out of seven years, we Spartans always live with the knowledge that times can change.  We still being of the mind that we are "little brother" in this State.

If we do win, will any of us Spartans rub it in?  Nope.  Never have.  Never will.

Trash talk the week before is all part of the fun as we go back and forth, ribbing each other.  After the game, if they win, we will hear about it for the rest of the year.  

ARRGH!  Arrogant Asses of Ann Arbor!!!!!
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P.S.  I'm in trouble with Jennifer---again!!!


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