I am on some kind of roller coaster of emotions.

My drop-foot isn't getting any better.  I don't feel safe walking with a cane.  My balance is atrocious.  Even with the PT twice a week for 6 months now, I don't seem to be getting better.

I got the car.  Had a gift of money to fix the muffler on the car.  Then insanity broke loose.

We have terrible water here.  Rust and calcium to the max.  Things wear out quicker than normal.  I have had issues with the innards in my toilet tank for years.  The chain that pulled up the ring that pulled up the flapper to flush, kept rusting out.  I was capable enough to buy a new chain and fix it or use a wire and paper clip to fix it.

Three weeks ago, everything inside the tank just broke down.  Rusted pieces of this and that lay on the bottom of the tank.  I called a guy who does a lot of work in the park here and he gave me an estimate for repairs.  The innards alone and labor would run near $200.00.

Actually, I needed a whole new toilet as the one I had was a bit too low and made it very hard for me to get off.  So he found a 17' high toilet.  I wanted the 21" high, but it was $500.00, just for the toilet.

It took him 2 weeks to schedule me in. It didn't take him an hour to get the new toilet in.  I had purchased a sort of chair like frame--arms--to make it easier for me to push myself up.  They were under $40.00 and they work well.

His invoice?  $450.00.  He then gave me $25.00 off because I paid him cash--sorta under the table?

My bathroom now looks like it was built for an elderly, disabled person, which ticks me off, but I suppose is true.

Now, I'm wondering where the $$$ is going to come from to fix the car.  Probably $250.00 for new muffler and labor.

Ya know?  Somedays I just want to go to bed, refuse to eat and turn my back to the door and ease on outta this world!  I know a few people that have done that.

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Closure?

It's been 4 strange months emotionally for me. I sit in this computer room a lot and the windows face the street. Dar's house is kitty-corner, so every time I look out the windows, there it is.

I have had a hard time even imaging she is gone. I look up and expect to see her car pull into her drive or see her and her Dad walking out to go somewhere or look up; to see her headed over here.

Her house was put up for sale and sold quickly--as do most homes in this park. Her kids had a garage sale last week. I didn't go over. All this past week, her oldest daughter and her partner have been cleaning out the house. People came to buy furniture.

I'd watch as the women went in and out--all day long--carrying loads of stuff--filling up the back of their SUV and coming back with it empty. Donating to Salvation Army, I supposed.

Yesterday, a truck with a box trailer pulled up in front and two men started hauling out large items. Perhaps for a consignment sale? Perhaps to put in an auction?

I felt a great urge to go over. I just wanted to say good-bye to her daughter...that I will never see again in my life. I got my walker out of the back of my car and went over.

She invited me in and a kind of shock hit me. There on the living room carpet were left the imprints of where the couch had sat--her chair, the chair I always sat in, her Dad's chair. He died last week at the age of 100 and 4 months.

The empty house echoed with the sounds of our words.

It hit me.

We hugged, our good-bye words came from thickened throats and tear filled eyes.

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I saw the real estate woman go in the house this morning.

Now, everything will be in reverse--with trucks and vans bringing in furniture.

I hope nice people bought it.

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On a lighter note: My youngest great grand baby that was born prematurely in April. She is six months old now and has such a precious personality. Those big eyes remind me of my daughter, her grand mother Karen, when she was that age.