Pilgrimage home................

I have been having IBS lately, like I had in July and it went away--it's back.  I left here yesterday at 10:00 and at 10:20--20 minutes away from The Farm, the cramps hit.  I must admit, the last 4 miles I was going 70 mph, which is not a smart thing to do on a country road during white tail deer hunting season.  Deer are on the move then and could leap out in front of a car at anytime.

I flew into Pam's drive, she came to the door, and I flew past her to the bathroom.
"Momma?  Are you all right?"
"I will be now."
Thankfully she was home and awake and not in her bathroom!
We chatted for half an hour, while I relaxed and waited for my gut to settle down.
"What are you doing today?" she asked.
"Going up to Aunt Susie's for lunch.  I've been real lonely and just needed to come home and get a hug."
So, she hugged me and said, "I love you, Momma."

Then, up the road and I noticed my son Mark's truck was in his drive.  So, I drove up to see him.  He had just climbed down off the roof from cleaning out the gutters.  He was bent over in severe pain in his back.  I walked up to him and hugged him.

"I'm so sorry you are in such pain, Honey."

Then, he started in.  Scared me, almost.  Shocked me, totally.  He was raging with anger and frustration.  It wasn't like he used a cuss word every other word, it was he used a cuss word every word.  On and on.  His words hit me like a smash in the head.  I know I stepped back in recoil.  I haven't heard words like that in 30 years--haven't heard anger and rage like that--ever!

He couldn't get anyone to clean out the gutters.  He couldn't get anyone to come and clean and restain his deck.  He couldn't get anyone to put a load of gravel in his driveway.  Different ones said they would, but they never showed up.  He called and called and they said, "Yes", but never showed up.

"Every ****************************************************one of them, friends, yeah ***********************************friends. ****************************never showed up!  **********************************************all of them."

I stood there. hands in my pockets, huddled, hunched over in my coat.  I thought to myself, "At least he hasn't taken the Lord's name in vain, but......................."

I stepped up in front of him, "Mark...I really need a hug from you.  I've been sad and lonely and I just drove out here to feel at home again and I need a hug from you."  He wrapped his arms around me, I nestled into his chest and oh....it felt so wonderful to get a hug from this 6'2" strong man.  

Then I noticed--"Your hair has grown back in curly.  Just like when you were a little boy."
"Well, I'm never going to *******************************chemotherapy again.  ****************************almost killed me."

This is the first time he has mentioned that he has cancer--to me anyway--and the first time I have acknowledged it to him.

"Are you still getting you infusions?"

"Yeah. *************************** doctors."

"Well, I've got to get down to Aunt Susie's.  They are expecting me for lunch."

"I'm heading that way too.  Gotta get this ******************** ladder back in the barn."

So he headed down the driveway and I followed and when he drove up near the barn, I followed, got out of my car and said, "Let me help you carry that thing in."

"Naw, Ma...I don't want you to hurt your back."

"Hey--I can carry one end and you the other and it will be easier."

"It's aluminum--it's pretty light.  I can get the ****** put back."

"Okay.  I love you, Mark", and I pulled back onto the road and up the drive to the house.
====================

I was still shaking when Susie met me at the back door.

"Are you okay?"

So I told her about my pit stop at Pammie's and what happened with Mark.

"Oh Suz.  He is such a lost soul!"

"Jennifer was here last week working.  On Friday night, she came out to visit Mark and Cindy.  At 7:00, on the spur of the moment she called us to come up for a visit.  Mark seemed in really good spirits.  I know he is on some powerful pain meds and has started drinking beer again.  He is in an awful lot of severe pain."

"Maybe I just got him at a really bad time.  I have never, in his entire life, seen him like that! It struck me, where is that sweet nine year old who wanted to be a minister?'"

So Susan. Chuck and I had a nice salad lunch.  I didn't mention Mark to Chuck and neither did Susan.  Then we all played a game and I headed home.  


I had enough time to drive on over to the family plot at the cemetery on the way home.  Walked around talking to my ancestor's.  Ended up crying over my Mother's grave, Mark absolutely adored her and he changed when she died so young.  Brushed off my own marker--ready for me.

I moved the cement dog statue on Fred's stone, told him I wished more than anything that he were here, because he would make it ALL better.  He had a way of doing that.

Then, I strolled on over, about 150 steps to my BFF's grave.  I heard her voice as plain as day, "If I can't fix it with my own two hands, I give the control up to God and quit worrying."  That was her motto all her adult life--even her last 4 years fighting ovarian cancer.  I patted her marker and walked back to my car.

=======================
I stopped on the way home at the new Culver's drive through.  Ordered  up a double butter burger deluxe and a small order of fries.  Came home, sat in my recliner and ate my supper in the dark.

I went to bed kind of early and prayed that God would help Mark and dim the horrid words he yelled, out of my mind.

A pilgrimage is not always easy.  For all of the day's events, I DID feel better--just being in the quietness of the fields and tree lined country roads.  I almost wished I had not gone to Mark's but perhaps I allowed him to vent and perhaps my hugs helped him too.

Now--it is onward and upward.  Ever forward into the holiday season--taking it all in stride, grateful for what time I might get with my family.  So very thankful I can still go home again and walk through homes and yards that are familiar to me.

My sister told me I HAD to decorate this year and when I asked, "Why?  No one will visit to see it."  She shook her finger at me and replied,  "You do it just for YOU!"

I will, but what she and most don't understand, sometimes a brightly lit Christmas tree and decorated house just makes it feel even more lonely.