Perhaps if I climbed up on my roof and started yelling about TRADITION, the news cameras would come and my kids might see me on the news and know that I am sad and angry. Most probably, the police would come and take me to the Nursing Home--which wouldn't be all that bad. At least there would be a reason why I would be alone at Thanksgiving and Christmas!
Tradition! I am big on tradition. Every Thanksgiving our entire family met on that day. Not the day before, not the day after--ON THAT DAY! There were no excuses. We KNEW we would be together ON THAT DAY! After my Mother died, I kept up the Tradition. When my kids got older and married, they would come to the house--the Grandmother's house for dinner--1:00 precisely, and then later in the afternoon, go visit their in-laws.
Christmas Eve--always at my Dad's. 7:00 pm, then changed to 4:00 pm because Karen and Mark and their kids had to leave to go to Mass with his parents. Then changed up to 1:00, so my son and his girlfriend could go to her Mom's, because her Mom always had Christmas Eve in the evening.
After Daddy died, we still kept the same tradition. At the ancestor's house where my sister now lived. We accommodated Mark and Cindy and the Catholic Rivard's. We had our Christmas Eve at noon then.
I didn't like it, but I kept my smile pasted on my face and was joyful. At least, once a year we all were together.
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Now, I find out that this year my oldest grandson will be hosting Thanksgiving at his house. Near Toledo--some 100 miles away. "You could ride down with us, Mom," said Karen, "but we will be getting home late and you can't drive after dark."
My sister and her hubs are going to her son's house--some 65 miles away. I could ride up with them, but would have to drive from their house, home, in the dark.
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I also have found out, Christmas Eve will be celebrated on the 23rd. Why? Because Karen's brother-in-law is coming in on Christmas Eve. So? Why does that mean we can't have our celebration on the 24th? He can join us.
Why did all of them respect my Daddy enough (or fear him) to ALWAYS, no matter what, celebrate on the 24th, but they don't worry about me, now the Matriarch of the family, to continue our tradition?
Of course, Jennifer will be no where around here. They are going to Disney World. That's fine. She wasn't here last year, even though she promised they would be. They were moving and for some reason, couldn't take 2 hours out of their day to celebrate with the rest of us.
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If I didn't know it would end my life, I'd like to write a note and commit suicide somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It would take some good planning on my part because I might not be found for three weeks, but.........................fill them with guilt. Spoil their holidays for the rest of their lives. HAH!
Or--if I could afford it, not tell a single soul and book a flight on Thanksgiving day and return on December 28th. Better yet! HAH! Of course, I have my pets to worry about. I'd have to leave them in a pet hotel for that long and I know, they wouldn't like that one bit. Poor Buddy might die of loneliness, although Maggie would be okay.
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I am reasonable--at face value. None of them will ever know exactly how I feel Maybe they should? Maybe I should rant and rave, like an angry, cranky, senile old woman? Would it really matter? They don't exactly include me in much of their life anyway.
Why don't I? Because all of my life I was told to be compliant. Don't make waves. Don't complain. Smile and be nice, no matter what. Which is the very same reason I ended up in terrible relationships and marriages.
I would like to be more like a Jewish/Italian/Polish mother who would voice her opinion--loudly--and yell, "WHAT do you MEAN. The day BEFORE.? The day AFTER? NO more of this STUPID talk!! We meet on THE DAY and that's ALL there is about it!"
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I wonder. Do any of my older blog buddies feel they are just in the way at times? Only invited or considered when it is convenient for "them"?
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Tradition, tradition! Tradition!
oh Judy
ReplyDeleteright there with you
could go on and on
but will just say I understand...
This is a part of the last year
and do not like it.
Dividing holiday time with families is a tough task. I was probably the black sheep as I moved out of state in 1978. It is overly expensive to travel during holidays although I do fly back every 5 years or so ... but better for me to visit in the summer.
ReplyDeleteYour family sounds so incredibly thoughtless ... sorry. My parents were ALWAYS the center of our plans. We had to change all family functions to mid day events and one of us always volunteered to drive them when they got older.
Life is not fair!
Okay, here goes:
ReplyDeleteI'm with Donna, don't joke around about suicide! EVER!
However, I'm a bad girl because I laughed out loud at the way you said that:
"If I didn't know it would end my life, I'd like to write a note and commit suicide" Lord.
Okay, if you went with Karen, why can't they pick you up and bring you home?
Okay, if you went with Susan and Chuck, why can't they pick you up and bring you home?
Oh, I get it. It would be out of their way. SO WHAT?
You got me on a bad day for all this - first I had to go to the bank 'cause someone overdrew my checking account. Yes, it was me but it wasn't my fault. hahaha
Then I was checking out of the grocery store, and could NOT find my keys. They were in my purse, but they were not in my purse. I panicked at bit, but then here came the cashier and handed the keys to me, introduced me to the nice lady that found them in the parking lot. She told me her eye caught them on the pavement about the same time a guy did and she just had a "feeling" he was going to abscond with my car.
So, Judy - think about this - everything here has changed also about the holiday's also. I doubt any of us will get together, but how about you ask the neighbors in on Christmas Eve, have a couple of desserts, coffee or tea. You wouldn't be alone! And, think about this; I'll open a can of chicken & dumplings, some cranberry sauce and they all said AMEN!
Cheers!
Love you lots and lots.
xoxo
I agree with Sally. They can pick you up and bring you home. It is important that you are there and they should "make it work"! I know how you feel, tho. I am always very accommodating for my children but sometimes I do feel neglected and want them to think of me first when they make plans. Everyone is always so busy!!! Hope it works out for you! And don't ever joke about suicide - please!
ReplyDeleteAdd me to the others who are alarmed to hear you use the "S" word. I hope you are only letting off steam and woulds never actually do anything. Either way, cyber hugs are coming your way. Know your blogger buddies CARE!
ReplyDeleteQuestion: what would Karen and/or your sister say if you asked them to pick you up to go to Toledo instead of you driving to their house to catch a ride? And if that isn't practical, what about staying over night at their house instead of driving home in the dark? Sometimes people just don't think when there is a solution that could work. Be assertive. Ask so they know how much it would me to you to go!
One thing we need to keep in mind as we age is that the families of our youth are not the same families we have as we age. People come and go and we are no longer at the center of them. Young ones want to start their own traditions, use their own china, invite who they want to invite. It's hard us because we have so many memories we want to reproduce. But it's not wrong of them and it doesn't mean they love us any less. Hang in there, Judy and be proactive and ASK for what you need from them. The worst that could happen is they'll say, no. And I'm betting they won't.
I am a huge believer in tradition as well. However, when we get to be our age tradition goes out the window. I have one child, my husband has four. On Thanksgiving Day my husband and I have our traditional meal made by me. This year it is a boneless turkey breast with all the trimmings. Christmas Eve was never in my book to be celebrating or opening gifts; we always did that on Christmas Day. So my husband and I celebrate on Christmas Day alone with ham and trimmings. My daughter and her fiancé visit and we exchange gifts. And when these holidays are over I let out a sigh of relief. Tradition basically is gone...my mother held us all together and once she and my father left this earth tradition went with them. I can't complain because I am happy the way things are now.
ReplyDeleteJudy, I don't like seeing you this way. Being an oldie and a traditionalist can be a tough combination at holiday time. I used to fret about it, but I finally let it go and now I go with the flow, and I'm happy with the way things are now. Families grow and change, and of course, we traditionalists like to keep things the same. I guess I lowered my expectations and it made it easier for me. I only have one child. My kids (son, DIL and grands) have only been with us once on Thanksgiving since they were married over a decade ago, but they do come for Christmas every year. If I had to choose, and I do, I'd choose Christmas over Thanksgiving every time. So I feel lucky.
ReplyDeleteYou are right to think that others our age have this same problem. My Aunt called last week and said that her daughter will have to leave my brother's house early on Thanksgiving. She asked if I would take her home later so she could stay with us for awhile. No problem. Maybe your sister or daughter would let you spend the night at their house so you could drive home the next morning. I hope you can work it out. Please take care of yourself. You have a lot of friends out here who are thinking of you.
-chuckle- I got a kick out of you, and the "I'd commit suicide" thing. (And out of the "quelle horrors" comments.)
ReplyDeleteI understand. I'm not ready for it yet, but it would be a possibility. Being open to that option happens, when one has jettisoned "All The Rules," from one's life!!! Yessssssss!!!!
And now that I have shocked everyone... On to your basic point.
Yes! When we age, we become invisible. Even to our families. With all, that flows, from this invisibility. I feel as if they are just happy, that we are basically healthy, and of no particular worry to them. Maybe they "think" that if they call or stop by more often, it will "break the spell"... Of our being basically healthy and of no trouble... -smirk-
As to Holiday Traditions, we bent, over the grown up years, and it was fine. But all family, who was in town on those days, got together for dinner. So I guess, we are lucky.
Some traditions have changed. Some remain. But, 2 of our children/families live in town. One, right next door. So there is no travel issue. Other than when one of them has to go to their in-laws. But all in all, we have been lucky.
Let one of those people, let you stay over night!!! So you can travel with them!!! Duhhhhhhhh (those) people!
And if you do end up alone, invite some local people over, and have a pot-luck kind of a thing. If they would be alone, and you would be alone, a pot-luck would be perfect. No one has to do the whole "eats." Just an idea.
Btw, isn't blogging great?!? It lets people vet, when this or that, comes up. And venting, writing it down, is said to be helpful. It certainly beats keeping it all inside!!!!!!!
Lots and lots of gentle hugs,
Luna Crone
(often feels invisible)
I think you should accept one of the invitations you received and ask a neighbor to feed your cats for you, I'm sure someone close by would be glad to help out.
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you how many times my traditions have changed over time, and while I long for the traditions my family followed when I was younger, I accept what is now and roll with it. As our families grow and expand and spread out, we just can't control everything the way we'd like.
I know you're kidding about taking your life but don't say it. It's just too awful. I lost a friend to suicide this year. My life will never be the same. Truth is, as we get older it seems we become less relevant. I don't think we really are less relevant, but it seems that way. I am like you: I dislike change.
ReplyDeleteHowever I have to say, I don't need much in the way of invitations these days. They come to me and I want my own bed. As to what you should do on Thanksgiving, I can't say but I hope one of your family members would be kind enough to give you a ride to and from whichever home you choose to visit. Surely that's the best solution. I can't bear to think of you being alone on that day, but then, you have your cozy home and you love to watch the football. Maybe it would be a happy, peaceful, relaxing day after all.
Do whatever YOU want to do. But to rue the traditions of the past being broken or not honored as you wish, is a sure path to continued frustration. I've learned we control no one except ourselves. That's not meant to sound judgemental and I hope it doesn't. I wish I were there to hug you but consider yourself hugged! xoxo
I think you are doing great - getting those feelings out has to help some. I can't imagine the loneliness you feel, but I know the times of depression are hard, and dark, cold winter is not easy. Especially holidays. Thinking of you, and glad you could get up to your ancestral homes. I miss the traditions of old as well. It makes me so sad that now my kids are old enough that we don't get holidays with them as we used to.
ReplyDeleteAs you say, onward & upward.