Labels

When I work in my garden, I ponder things.  Very, deep, philosophical things.  Tee Hee

Labels.

Hanging around my neck.  I used to have many and now---?

I was a daughter and acted accordingly, as a daughter should.  Then my label was ripped in half, but I still had the label and acted accordingly, even though the half the label that was left didn't treat me very well.

Then, I was a wife and once again acted accordingly.  Doing all the things the books told me I should do to be a good wife.  Even though my Wife Label got scribbled on with words that told me I wasn't doing a very good job.

Then I put on the label Mother.  To me, the best label I ever had.  I loved being pregnant.  Never a day of morning sickness.  Nice, big, healthy, round-headed babies came from my body.  Every one of them was cute from the minute they were born, beautiful when they were grown and still are very handsome and pretty.

Then my Wife label was ripped off and I was labelled, Divorced Woman.  Such a hard label that came with perceptions from others, that I never expected.  Women friends thought I was after their husbands.  Men thought I must need sex from them.  GEEZ!

Then, the best label of all--Grand Mother.  Such a love for the babies of my babies.  I could see all the wonder of life in them that I may have missed with my own, when I felt strongly it was up to ME to raise decently.  The Grand children were not my job to discipline.  Just to play with and teach and enjoy.
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My daughter label is gone.  My wife label is gone.  My mother label is still there, but very dim and faded because they are busy and have their own life and don't need mother anymore.  My Grand Mother label is quite dim now too.  Once again, busy lives.  If I want my Grandma label to "shine", I have to go to them.

I also was proud to wear the label, "Loved, Sweetheart, nearly Wife, Care Giver."  Of course, that was ripped from my neck in a very painful way.

No Labels.  I wonder what people see when they look at me?  There are no labels for them to make a determination of "what IS this woman."

I no longer have the labels, so I am prone to wonder, "Who am I anymore?"

In reality, free from the labels, I can now become whomever I want to be.  That's kind of cool.

I have been working at it for the last 3+ years.
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I know that I am a really good friend to people.  A good listener.  In the past, I wouldn't have had the time to take the time for a Dar rant, a Pearl senility, a John constantly repeating the same stories over and over.  Now I can and it no longer wears me out.  I listen.  I hear it.  I focus on them.  They leave and I put it entirely out of my mind.  Their, weirdness shall we say, doesn't bother me as it once did.

I know that I am more content to be here, doing my own thing, than to have to be "going" all the time.  I guess I have learned to like myself?  At earlier times, I had to be acknowledged by others to find any worth.  

Socializing?  "They" tell us, older people need to socialize or we will get depressed and feel un-needed.

Oh my.  If I HAD to go to the Senior Center once a week.  If I HAD to take a day trip with a group.  If I had to get out and converse with people on a regular basis, THAT would make me depressed!!  Nervous!  Chaotic feeling!  My worse case scenario.

What fills me with great joy?  Creating!  Losing myself in a genealogy for hours at a time.  It's history to me and it is fascinating.  Knitting or crocheting or cross stitching an item.  Knowing that someday it will go to someone who will really appreciate it and I wonder, what that baby or that person will feel when they receive it.

This time of year, piddling around in my gardens.  NOT the six hours I used to spend twice a week to make the most beautiful garden in the neighborhood.  Now, planting and enjoying what I want to plant.  What I want to see.  Such freedom.

My personality HAS changed.  Without the labels.  Some people are confused by it.  I no longer am the same Judy they have in their perception of me.  Expectations and perceptions from others, no longer matter to me.  I think, for the first time in my life, I just might be a rebel.  LOL

My faith is stronger than it has ever been in my life.  Although I always knew it, I really believe and feel that God is in control and I don't worry about anything anymore.  I have been through really hard times in my life and every single time, something has come to save me.  I choose to truly believe it is God and not just a coincidence.  

I was a worry-wort from the time I was a small child!  Wanting to control to keep everything calm and peaceful and right.  Wanting to be whatever I was supposed to be to every one.  Reacting in a way that was expected of me.

Now--I still hear distressing news.  I am still hurt by people.  Things come that are hard to bear.  It's like I hear it and I know it and my mind just says, "Whatever."

Onward and Upward.  Ever Forward!

No matter what, life is soooooo good!